LOVE LOST BY THE SEA....


I tried... Really, I did.... How come I could not escaped? The clawed-like feeling was there and still, pulling me back from what I was running from. 

For three years, I quite groaned at the length of time, I was running from it and still am. I haven't met my nonexistent dead-end, I secretly hope I won't. It'll be more confusing if that happens. If that's more possible, I silently murmured.

Eyes closed, I reminisced, my mind traveled once again, bringing me back to her and…him, dark-eyed and full mouth-plastered feign smirk. At that moment, I felt…time stood still. Is there such a thing? I suddenly asked myself. Absurd? I knew very well it was. And the blossoming thought did not escape my misty-laden mind, no matter how soaked it was from the liquor we consumed earlier. It was there, at the back, taunting me. Agitation took over and I was left…alone, like always. 

Three years now had passed but I could still hear the soft rumbling of the waves outside, splashing across the shore, sweet midnight lullaby to any deaf ears. The laughter and cheers from the drunken men who became our acquaintances, still rang, penetrating the four-walls of our small nipa hut. They were ignorant to what was happening inside the hut but I wasn't. Not by a long shot, I am not. But I secretly wished and hoped, for once in my life, let me be....

I could not say I am innocent; I'm nasty as they come. But to his kisses, I am. And I know he's innocent like me. My heart briefly swelled at that thought. Our friendship takes a big leap, both of us experiencing something new, something totally beyond our league. Our shared kisses came naturally, as natural to the fact, few more hours, the night would transcend into day. At that time, it never crossed my mind how disconcerting it was. Sparked by the tremendous tremors given to us by Luisa, it felt natural to take a plunge to the frightening abyss, so normal…so right to kiss him like I would with any girl. I knew, deep down, I knew…he had the same train of thoughts as mine.

I can still remember those kisses, different but still familiar, new and old at the same time. It was disturbing, believe me it was and definitelystill. I should not be stirred by that, I shouldn't; to be moved was perplexing as it is. But that very moment, I became deaf, blind, and ignorant to our surrounding, even to Luisa. Yes, the thought was hilarious, for me it was. But I couldn't control the truth like I couldn't control my alarming emotions. My eyes only see him; it only wants him, nothing more. And the rest seemed insignificant to look at, so I never bothered. It will be fruitless if I insist.

His kisses were nothing but gentle, it was raw; full of emotions, some of it I couldn't read, which was something new for me. It breathes life, Luisa said that earlier pertaining to Mexico, but I thought it was more appropriate at that time to define it for Tenoch's kisses. His kisses felt like that to me. It was breathing, alive and burning, like Mexico itself. I couldn't help but held on to him as I grasped his face, like a man drowning, asking for his salvation. His kisses burned me, as hot as lava, burning me inside and out, taking me to new heights; the only explanation why I did it at that time. And for once, I had the urge to defy all; I want to be consumed by that fire. Swallowed whole and forever be trapped on its scorching heat like I've always wanted, always dreamed - secretly behind my ambitious heart.

Fiery kisses…Sweet…Tenoch….

Those thoughts accompanied me to my dreamless sleep. Words with different meanings but still manage to become one, molded to keep my confusions at bay.

Tomorrow is frightening; inevitable to come, but for now it can wait, just a little while, a little longer, and those thoughts were the only ones that made me still realized, I'm still sane but only for a fraction at that time.

Emptiness became my personal acquaintance, three years and counting, today the thought struck me and I shivered, even made me almost cried out. I had met my non-existent dead-end and confusion was just around the corner, waiting to taunt me afterwards. Nostalgia helped me recognized it, but it couldn't cure my troubled soul. I had faced my fear, three years I've been avoiding it, but I couldn't ran forever from it. It was bound to catch up on me, one way or another. I know now why I'm running. I wouldn't dare to name it. I am scared from the truth, and the wishful thinking to be naïve was once again appealing like the first time.

And just like my previous dreams, emptiness once again ruled my beating heart. 

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