“Key-ah, saranghae!” Jonghyun threw a glance back, across the hall to before making off with Se Kyung.

‘Yeah, for sure.’ “Probably off to see some stupid chick flick movie again” Key muttered under his breath.

Key didn’t really know why he put up with Jonghyun’s , maybe it was because he felt as if Jonghyun was his only thread left to sanity, and even if the thread was rapidly fraying, he had to tug onto every last fiber.

It had been close to a year that Jonghyun overheard Key whispering his name while crying in his sleep, and suddenly agreeing to be his boyfriend. Honestly Key had to agree it had been a little too fast, but really, if it was a dream, he was going to make the most of it.

Well pretty much it really was like a façade, or rather a phase because Jonghyun didn’t stop going out on his “little dates” (as Key put it) with that Shin Se Kyung girl and he didn’t really seem to give a he was in an actual relationship with Key. There had got to be a limit to stupidity and insensitivity, but seemingly those limits just didn’t apply to Jonghyun. That or he really just didn’t care.

It was more of an on-off thing and sometimes Key felt as if he was Jonghyun’s fall-back, or a pseudo-“lover” for self-gratification purposes. Most times Key was just sad, and really confused. He tried talking to Jonghyun about it, but the latter kept changing the topic, and really, Key wasn’t one to push it. Something about the fragility of the relationship made him afraid to lose his very last life line, he thought he probably would die if he ever lost his only grip on reality.

That night Key was alone in his dorm again, and he really wasn’t in the mood for anything. Today was just, so ed up.

From: Jjong <3
To: Kibum

Key-ah, I’ll won’t be sleeping in our dorm today so don’t wait for me! Saranghae! <3

Key sighed for the umpteenth time that night, more than angry he was just sad. Really, now Jonghyun? Key was just so incapacitated, so spiritless, so tired of all the hogwash that was in his life, that was his life. Unable to take the overwhelming disturbance, Key’s soft sobs turned into nerve-wracking cries, and the tears never stopped streaming down his cheeks.

The blond felt like he was going to cry his eyeballs out and his lungs were gripping at him for gasps for much deprived air but the hyperventilating didn’t stop, and his eyes were red and swollen, face stained with sorrowing.

Shakily, Key grabbed a creased paper and began to write everything he had been holding in, everything he ever wanted to say to Jonghyun. He wrote until the muscles in his palms were cramping in an attempt to get him to stop, but he didn’t. In messy handwriting Key wrote the realest letter he had ever written to Jonghyun, and he staggered out of the dorm, leaving the scribbled parchment on Jonghyun’s study desk.

Jonghyun came back the next morning, a massive hangover foreboding, the pain already coursing through his head like bursts of electric shocks to his brain. It was just horrible. Unlike the other mornings Jonghyun didn’t find aspirin and a glass of warmed water on his desk, just a messy looking, crushed up piece of paper on his table.

He rolled his eyes, ‘someone really needs to learn to throw away their own rubbish’, he grumbled in his head.

Jonghyun casually swept the crumpled piece of paper into the waste paper basket before hoisting himself to the cabinet to look for the damned aspirin and glass of water. A grunt was emitted from the hung over male as he swallowed two tablets for measure, instantly feeling much better, before collapsing on the couch, already dead to the world.

Less than two hours later Jonghyun groaned at his phone alarm, the one Key had set for him so that he wouldn’t be late for school again. Speaking of Key, where was that boy? Jonghyun squinted and glanced around the dorm, but Key was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t unusual though, because sometimes Key would go to school earlier to avoid the crowd in the hallways. Jonghyun absolved in his head and got up to get ready for school.

That whole school day Jonghyun didn’t see Key in school, but didn’t think much of it either way, until a few days had passed and there was still no notion of Key. Jonghyun had to admit he had the slightest twinge of worry in him, but he still didn’t say anything. It was on accident that Jonghyun saw that ‘scrap paper’ again, while he was emptying the waste paper basket. But he didn’t pay it any attention anyhow.

It was exactly a week later that Jonghyun received an email from Key.

// They always say when you try and try but you don’t succeed, you just keep on trying. And never once I formed the notion of giving up on us, and what I had tried so hard to establish. But the maintenance works just keep failing; you just keep fading away, and I just keep falling apart.

When I first met you, I never really gave you a second thought. I never really knew just how significant you would become to me. But I guess that’s just how fate works, and slowly you were intricately woven in and it was like there was no other brighter light in my life than you. It didn’t take long for us to fall in love, or if it was even love, because sometimes I don’t even know if this is likewise on your part. But you were are very important to me, and that could never change, even if I drive a stake through this ugly heart.

 You always found ways to fascinate me and with every day I found out more about you, and what a wonderful person you were. You were perfection to me, and like constellations, beautiful and unfathomable. I guess that’s why we never really worked out, because you were the glittery diamond and I was just an ugly rock. I know you never meant it intentionally (or maybe you did), but with you I could never really find my confidence. They say that you are most comfortable with the person you love and it is when you’re with them that you can feel completely, at ease. But that I could not.

With you I felt like I was always tip-toeing on a frayed wire that might just spark anytime and burn me. I felt so, insecure. I guess I just couldn’t deal with losing you and it just got to the point of me being too, as you said, “obsessive”. I know, and I’m sorry for that. I wouldn’t if I could help it, but I didn’t want to miss you to some other prettier, wittier, girl. I was always afraid of falling short and purely not being enough for you. It always seemed that despite my efforts, you would always be looking at some other pretty girl with her cleavage hanging out, or flirting with the intellectual cutie with the black rimmed glasses. I guess I wasn’t enough from the very start.

Now that I’m wide awake and typing this to you, I’m completely sure that this was very much a mistake. Or maybe, it was just pity on your part. I probably should never have dreamed “us”, because it was just so preposterous to think we’d ever make it thus far. And before the pain gets to me, I’d like to thank you for your love, even if it was just pity left-over love, it was all I had.

We were always a no-go, and we should never have tried. I should never have tried. I admit defeat, because I’m tired now. I’m utterly exhausted and worn out.

At the very start of this hurricane of emotions (likely only on my part) you showed me what it felt like to be fragile, and cherished like something, important. It was something I never felt before, (and it’s my entire fault) and I got used to it. I wanted so badly for it to last forever, to always feel like there was somebody to run home to if anything got ed up or if someone made me feel worthless (again).

But things like that don’t last forever, and as soon as I felt it, it was gone. I was so fulfilled but so empty at once. I was so confused. I was so messed up.

I guess people like me aren’t mean to be loved and people like you can’t survive on a single person’s love, regardless of how unrelenting it is. Some things just don’t go both ways. You were the axis and I the asymptote because no matter how close I tried to get, we would never, ever, meet. Somehow fate had it such that we met and went in completely different directions after a short burst of color. Everything turned back to monotone, and perhaps, it became even darker than before. They say that the darkness only becomes darker after you’ve experienced bright light. I suppose they’re right, again.

Again I’m sorry that I’ve been such a burden and my stupid feelings always get in the way. It seemed like I was always getting in the way; you were always so preoccupied with everyone else, and so caught up in your own sought-after party that you forgot my existence. Or you probably wished I wasn’t there to get in the way.

I’m sorry for so many things that I don’t think the list will ever finish. I’m sorry for always crying and crying so easily, and I’m sorry that I have suicidal thoughts. I’m sorry that I think too much and I’m sorry that sometimes I overreact. I’m sorry that I need a lot of love and I’m sorry that I constantly annoy you because this is everything you hate. You told me you hated people who cried too much, people who tried to “seek attention” by self-harming and attempting suicide. I’m ashamed that I do all of these things you hate, but at the same time I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t. I’m sorry that I annoy you because of all these things. I’m so, so, so sorry.

The time you jokingly told me that most of the time you hate me, I don’t think that was a joke. I guess I really am put-offing and absolutely revolting, and I guess since even after reading the letter I wrote to you which was possibly my most pathetic attempt to get you back, you still didn’t come to find me, I must really mean nothing. I promise I’ll never bother you again.

And then again, I’m sorry.

-Kim Ki Bum //

Jonghyun was rendered speechless. He ran to every place he thought Key would probably be waiting, patiently, like he always did, for Jonghyun. He knew Key was broken and that Key couldn’t afford shattering more. But he forgot all that being caught up in his own life. Jonghyun really wanted to scream and cry but he just couldn’t. His voice or tears just wouldn’t come out.

Nothing he said now would bring Key back next to him, and no sea of regret could ever turn back the time. Not now, nor ever.

The few days following that Jonghyun was just in a state of shock, and he really couldn't function. It was like when you just get so accustomed to someone or something; they're gone and you feel empty. But now , that's just how things work right? People fade away and things change. People get exhausted and things get broken. To every cause there is an effect, and it may not always be sunshine and rainbows for those who don't cherish the clouds.