to that place in time

taemin x sulli

romance/angst, 3451w

Three years have passed since I last saw her.  Five years have passed since SHINee disbanded. Two years have passed since I joined the army. And as the days go by, I can’t forget that so much has changed, so much has altered and the little boy who had first trembled his way into SM Entertainment, is no more. The scar on the upper part of my chest is proof of that.

As I walk to my room, I can’t help but reminiscence over the day I first brought up the courage to tell my parents that I wanted to audition for SM. Their shocked expressions, the tension in the air, my mother crying as I got spanked by my father for having my head in the clouds and not in the books, have all become a part of a long-forgotten memory etched in my heart.

"I can't believe you," my father had yelled. "After all the preaching I've done about education and good grades, you still choose to become a celebrity. How could you be so ignorant Taemin?" I had tried to put on a brave face though my soaked eyes were giving me away.

"Honey, don't hit him," my mother had interjected as a means to protect me. "I'll talk to him and he'll understand."

My father completely ignored my mother and didn’t cease with the spanking: "Why can't you be more like your brother? He studies so hard and he's been so successful. A genius in the making and you...you have no future. Dancing is just a hobby; it won't bring you any money." He sighed, abruptly stopping with the abuse and I stayed still, bearing the pain of the injuries that would leave physical pain for a day but emotional scars for years. "If you really want to go, then go. But don't come running back to me when you find out how utterly wrong you were."

I had held my tongue at the time and suppressed all the vile words I had wanted to yell at my father. The stinging injuries, the humiliation and the complete loneliness had been hurtful, but now that was no more than another lost emotion my heart has discarded.

I had been lucky that SM had accepted me that year of I would've not been able to show my face to my father. I had won the 2005 SM Open Weekend Competition for my awkward dance combination though even I knew that the adolescent girls with whom I was competing had no idea how to dance. Though I had won by a long shot, I still had a long way to go.

That was made clear to me when I met the four boys who later became my brothers. The boys somehow, little by little, became the most important figures in my life. I laugh at the thought of Key-hyung sacrificing his own pride and insulting an old lady who had told me I couldn't sing. Onew-hyung had always been the supportive one, always going out of his way to console me, even when he needed a shoulder to cry on. 

Minho-hyung was the member I was the closest to and he later became someone I aspired to be like. He was so calm, cool and collected and no situation was overbearing for him. As for Jonghyun-hyung, he became my personal vocal coach and though he was often critical, his advice had helped me win over the company in assigning me bigger parts in SHINee's songs. The day I found out that I would be the main lead in our title track Why So Serious, Jonghyun-hyung had embraced me as he whispered:

"The pupil has become the teacher."

I had denied it, telling him that I was still no good but Jonghyun-hyung, like the others, always complimented me. It was because of them that I had stayed so long with SM. A company that was sugar-coated from the front but on the inside, it was anything but sweet. The long nights, the tiresome practices and performances, the excruciating hunger, the constant fainting in practice rooms, the crying on end, I had all experienced. It had made me want to give up and go back, shameful as it was, to my father. But in the end, the four stars that shown so brightly in my sky kept me from leaving.

"They love you. Your fans. If you can't stay for us, stay for them.”

I had cried upon hearing the words, not because Onew-hyung had told me that my fans loved me for I had already known that. But because he felt like SHINee wasn't a big enough reason for me to stay. I loved them. And to this day, I still did. Even though we were all miles apart, living different lives, we were all under the same blue sky that reminded us of each other. Though I did miss them, I was glad we were no longer obliged to follow routines meticulously like puppets.

Our lifestyle had been truly horrible. Sometimes months would pass and we would be stuck in the same routine. Sweat, tears, and more tears were poured into every second of the day, draining our bodies, until we became robots that danced, sang and laugh only when commanded to. Years went by like that and then one day, I was standing in front of a long sheet of paper that awaited my signature.

It had been seven years and it was over. SHINee was no longer a group and we had all mutually decided that we wanted to follow a different path. For a couple of days, I couldn’t comprehend why I had gone through the entire process of becoming an idol. Had I really needed it? Had I really needed it to pursue my dream? Was my dream so important that I had sacrificed my health, my pride and my love life.

I throw my bags over my shoulder as I get out of the building and order a taxi to take me to the train station. My fingers are numb and pink and I shiver as the wind passes above my almost hairless head. My lips are chapped and dry from the weather and years of neglecting to put on lip balm. My fingers slowly make their way into the pockets of my trench coat and I exhale loudly as a white cloud of puff escapes my lips. It is cold. Very cold. But I was colder to her, the girl who had loved me even before my success. Who had only seen, "Oppa" as she called me, for himself. But I had discarded her feelings, hoping that she would somehow forget about the boy who couldn't return her love.

It was all an act. I loved her more than she loved me, and I couldn't bear to see her get hurt by the media or my fans. I had believed that I was doing the right thing, being selfless as I called it. However, I realize now that I had been completely selfish. I still recall the last conversation we had that I hopelessly try to forget.

"So you're leaving now. After all this, you're leaving again," she had cried. I grabbed her hand and pulled her body into an embrace but I could feel her resisting. She was beginning to harbour hate for me.

"Jinri, I have to. It's my duty to serve my country and my country expects me to fulfill it." I had tried to sound calm, but I was getting angry with her. From as long as I could remember, every Korean man had to repay their country by serving in the army for two years. And it wasn't like Jinri didn't know. Seeing that her brother had served in the army for so long, she should've known better than to question my leaving.

"Why now? After so many years of waiting, you finally come to me and now you’re saying goodbye. We’ve barely spent a year with each other and you want to back out again.”

“Listen, if I didn’t have to enlist, I wouldn’t. But I have to and you know how much of a stress it is to run away from something like this. You know that.” 

The tears dripped on my scarf as she tried to form coherent words. “Can’t you…wait a while? Just a few more years? I don’t want to be away from you. Not after…”

“I’m already 27 and you’re 26. We both have lives to live and I don’t want you to continue chasing a man who can’t return your love the way you want him to. You deserve…better.” I smoothed out her mid-length, silky, hair and watched to see if she was listening. “It’s time we both move on. We dated a year and you saw what I was like. Don’t lie to yourself, Jinri.”

“So is this what this is all about?” she asked boldly with fragile eyes. “You can’t face your own life, so you’ll find a way to deviate from it. You’ll just continue running.” She got out of my hold, and shook her head. “I hope you understand that you can’t run forever. One day, you’ll actually have to stop, look around, and realize that you’re back where you started. You’ll have to face reality.” She began to get up from the park’s bench when I grabbed her wrist. She turned around, tears once again dripping down her face.

“Let me leave,” she demanded quietly.

“This is for your own good. You’ll understand it when you meet the right guy. That I was a bad man and that I finally did the right thing by letting you go.”

She shook her head. “You’re wrong.” Her rosy cheeks were flushed and her eyes looked upsettingly lifeless. “I love you and it’ll always be that way.” And with that, she ran off crying to her car.

I sat there, tears forming in his eyes. I fisted my pants, as the salty water fell down onto my knees. Time didn’t matter at that moment and the clock ticked away. I spent the entire night sitting in that position until Minho-hyung somehow showed up, slapping me, telling me that I was an idiot, and in the end, he brought me home. I stayed in bed for a couple of days, got weak and sick in the process. The complete emptiness was unbearable and I occasionally had thoughts about suicide.

Luckily, I had SHINee. Even though we had split up two years prior to my break-up, we still visited each other. Every week, one of the members would come live with me, cook for me, entertain me and pray that I would get better. Eventually, the color came back to my face and I became healthy again. I still couldn’t believe that whatever I had with Jinri was gone and that I would never see that eye-smile again. But time passed and I realized that I had always made mistakes and I could live with being a failure.

A few months later, I finally decided to enrol myself in the army which had been delayed due to my illness. Exactly seven months later, I found out that my service would begin the following year. That same day, I also found out that I was truly a terrible man.

I remembered it as if it was yesterday: the intense rain that poured, the bad taste in my mouth, my burnt breakfast that caused the fire alarm to go off and Minho-hyung’s voice mail. “Taemin, it’s me,” he had said with an uncertainty to his voice. “Jinri’s in the hospital. She didn’t want to tell you after you guys decided to never see each other again but I really think you should be here. She’s in labour with your kid.”

I did not budge after the message ended. I had believed it to be a prank but as I pondered over Minho-hyung’s words once again, I had realized that it had to be true. Jinri must’ve been pregnant the entire time, and my ignorant self had misjudged everything. She had had wanted to tell me but I had never given her the chance. I had really blown it with her and even I knew that I could not be forgiven. I never saw her after that. Minho-hyung had told me that it was a girl and she looked exactly like her, but I couldn’t bear to cause Jinri any more pain. It was best that my daughter never knew about her careless father.

Now in the army, I understand that I am meant to live alone. Do everything alone. I feel like my duty now is to serve my country, and even though I wasn’t able to protect Jinri from myself, perhaps I’ll be able to protect her from the rest of the world.

I’m on the train now, returning home for my two-week vacation. I watch the beautiful Seoul, my hometown, go by me. The trees covered in frosty snow, the white carpet that lies beneath me, the sunlit sky, all tell me that it’s a new day, filled with new chances.

A couple of hours later, I’m off the train, unloading my baggage when I hear someone holler. I look around to see my mother and my father. They run to me, arms open wide, and take turns showering me with affection.

“We’re so proud of you, Taemin-ah. You’ve finally made the right decision. I knew you had it in you.”

I smile at my father. “I’m glad too that I finally understood.”

Our reunion lasts for fifteen minutes before my parents start heading to the car. I pick up my baggage and follow their lead. A little girl comes running to me and looks up at me, her two-pigtails highlighting her plump face. I pat her head and notice her large round eyes and her eye-smile. The eye-smile that I could never forget. The eye-smile that belonged to… and I look up to see her. She stands there, looking beautiful as ever, with her hair blowing in the cold winter wind. She wears leggings and high knee-length boots that match her large beige winter coat. She notices me and I notice her and the next moment, she’s in my arms, I’m kissing her face and we’re both crying.

“I missed you so much,” she says through sobs.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you or our daughter, especially when you needed me the most.” I'm crying out the words that haunted me everyday.

“It’s okay,” she rubs my back. “I could never hate you. Even if I go through the same pain of losing you again, I still won’t hate you.”

I look down at her, completely baffled by her forgiving words. “Don't be stupid. I’ve been so terrible. I hurt …”

“Because that’s what love is. To do anything for that person, wanting nothing in return. And I’m lucky to have found the person I love,” she my cheek and I stare, overwhelmed by her kindness and gentleness. “We all make mistakes Taemin-oppa but the most important thing is to know that we did them and that one day, we can be forgiven.”

Upon hearing her say those words, I bury my head in the crook of her neck and cry loudly. I don’t care if a passerby is watching. I don’t care if the enormous guilt in my stomach is tearing my strength to shreds. I don’t care that Jinri feels extremely petite in my arms and that I am probably to blame for her weight loss. All that matters is that she is here, telling me that after many painful months as a single parent and heartache, she has forgiven me. She has given me a chance for the umpteenth time, and this time I can’t fail.

I don’t have to say anything to tell her what I feel. She understands everything through my endless and painful tears. When my heart has finally cried out to its content, I let go of her, wipe her own tears and give her a long-awaited kiss on the lips. A soft, chaste kiss that was meant for goodbyes but mine is thanking her. Our lips part a few moments later, when something begins to tug forcefully on my pants.

I look down and the toddler is there again, smiling brightly at me with her full lips: my lips.

“Anneyong, apa.” She waves at me and I immediately pick her up, holding tightly onto her as she puts her delicate, pasty-coloured arms around my neck .

“How does she know who I am?” I ask Jinri.

“Of course I couldn’t hide you from her. I listened to your music videos, watched your dramas, and fell asleep to your songs everyday. She had grown accustomed to your voice since before she was even born and one day, she asked me who the man was. She said she liked your voice." Jinri the child's hair. "Shinae, why don’t you tell daddy how much you love his music?”

“Her name is Shinae?”

“It means love and faith. Both of which I needed from breaking apart,” she hides her face from me, but she's breaking again.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell her as I reach out for her with my free hand.

“I’m not sad about what you did. I’m scared about what you're going to do.” She looks up with glistening eyes to see as to how I would react. 

I realize that this was a question I had dreaded. It was clear as day that I was an expert at running away. Whenever I couldn’t face something, I ran away. As a child, when I ran away from stealing my friend’s toy or after receiving a bad mark, it had meant nothing. But little did I know that my bad habits would follow me into the future, to the point that I would I run away from the truth, from my destiny and from my lover.

I know my answer. I look up to see the eyes that portray clearly her broken soul and it takes me all my strength from not breaking myself.

“When I left for the army, I wasn’t doing it for myself, but for you. It was the first time I thought I was being selfless." She doesn't seem convinced but she nods, prodding me to continue with my speech. "I thought that perhaps since I couldn’t protect you from a person such as myself, I could protect you from the enemy and countries that wish to harm our country.” I pause and search for some sort of acknowledgement. Slowly, she nods and I continue. “After seeing you and holding Shinae for the first time, I understand that your survival does not depend on my work in the army or how I manage to prevent a war. All that you guys need is me, in flesh and blood.” She covers her face with her hands and begins to cry again. But she's happy. 

“You told me that when you love someone, it means you’ll do anything for them, wanting nothing in return. I don't want anything Jinri.” Our tears fall, disappearing together on the white ground. “I want you to have my everything.” Her hands reach out for me and my arms find her waist. "Because I have learned time and time again that no matter how many times I run away, no matter how many times I defy it, somehow, fate will bring me back to the very spot in time where I met you.”

I look directly into her eyes, the same eyes I fell in love with in my youth, the same eyes that cried tears of joy and sadness for me. “I can’t live without you. Choi Jinri, will you marry me?”

And it comes out as simply as it sounds. There is no family congratulating us, there are no friends clapping vibrantly for us and shoving our faces with alcohol, there is no ring to symbolize our love, there is no paparazzi ruining the moment with the flashing of lights, there are no fangirls telling Jinri to get away from me. There's me and her and the product of our love. And it's perfect. 

She agrees as she throws her arms around me and Shinae and showers me with words of love that I finally feel like I deserve. I have no regrets, guilt or doubt. 

This is the end to my running, and facing reality, surprisingly, felt pretty good.

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A/N: I hope you guys like my first one-shot. Please leave comments below and subscribe to the story too. Thank you for reading :)

If you liked this, then check out my longer Taelli-centric story called the dream that became a reality.