I walk… not knowing of where I am walking anymore.

I slowly trudged on the green grass, thinking of what am I suppose to tell you.

All I know is I am walking towards a certain tree… the tree that started everything between us.

I could remember that tree, standing alone near the cliff. There, I first saw you, leaning against that tree while writing in a small journal. You were supposed to be with us that time, with our classmates and teachers, as we commemorate the last day of our field trip. But instead you were there alone, away from the rest of us. I didn’t have the opportunity to talk to you during our trip. To say that I was afraid of you was an understatement. You were new in our class, and there was a vibe of mysteriousness surrounding you. You kept to yourself even if the groups you were in tried to engage you in their conversations. You won’t even join us during the programs at night. I even labeled you as the arrogant transfer student in our class.

But during that time, I gained the courage to talk to you… well… not really talked to you since I only sat down beside you. Not talking. Just staring at your face. Trying to look at what you were writing that time. That’s when I realize how pretty you are… pretty but at the same time handsome. Moreover, you were prettier than me. We stayed like that for a few minutes. The poignant aroma of the tree surrounding us. Then, you get something from your jeans’ and offered it to me. Lemon candies. I looked at you confused. “When you are thinking about something, have some lemon candy.” That’s what you told. I laughed, I don’t know why but your words made me laughed. And what mesmerized me was your smile. You smile at me for the first time.

That’s the start of everything between us, right? The lemon candies. My laughter. Your smile. Our tree. That was the start of our infinite friendship but you were really unfair…really…really unfair. You were the one that promised that our friendship will always last but you were the one that broke the promise. You leave me all alone… without saying goodbye.

I crumple at our tree, kneeling down as my grasp on your journal tightens. I received the journal after a week of your departure. And it was only now that I gain the courage to read it. A month has passed when you leave us, but it is only now that I opened your journal. Each entry brought tears to my eyes and stabs to my heart and I hate you for it. I hate you for making me cry again. I hate you so much because I love you.

I open your journal to your entry a month before you left and I feel some salty droplets of liquid that begin to leak out from eyes again even before I start reading what you wrote. I look at your neat handwriting and gently trace it with my thumb. It was way much better than my own handwriting. The one that you consider as the best penmanship any doctor could have.  No…everything about you was way better than me.

You…I was dreaming about you when I was disturbed by the ringing of my phone.

Now I know why each entry on this journal started with ‘you’. It is because that this journal was written for me. I am the only one that was allowed to read and to know what was in this journal. You even locked it with the numbers that only the two of us knew. The date of our first meeting.

I checked it. It was only you.

“O Juliet, wherefore art thou, my Juliet?” That’s how you greeted me. I am always ‘Juliet’ while you are my ‘Romeo’.

I knew you were curious about me being late for school but I told you that I will be absent today.

 I listened as you worried about me being absent on our first day of school.

You knew I was not feeling well, that’s why you were acting like a motherhen again.

I dismissed you, saying that you will be late for your class. And it worries me.

You’re the type that hates to be scolded by our teacher and you will be moping about it for the rest of the day.

You ended the call with your usual, “Babe, good bye. I love you.” We aren’t sharing that kind of relationship but we call each other as “Baby”.

You’ll always be my baby. And with that in mind, I tried to get some sleep again.

Yes, I was scolded by our teacher because I was late but the most embarrassing thing was I entered our room when someone was introducing himself. Someone that ruined our friendship in the end.

You barged inside my room. Not bothering to knock anymore.

I was sitting on my bed, writing on my journal again.

“Is knocking not a trend anymore?” I joked.

You just laugh as you sat on the chair beside my bed and dumped your bag on my table.

“Sorry, babe. I was excited.” You said, grinning. I looked at you, confused.

“Well, I have someone to replace you.” I looked at you again, shocked and hurt. I am that easy to be replaced? But I think that will be fine. For the both of us. If you are going to be happy with him then I will be happy for you.

“Just joking, babe. Actually, I was thinking since you don’t want to be my boyfriend… he can be my boyfriend.” I don’t know if those were jokes anymore. And your jokes are always half-meant, mind that.

“You are an idiot, you know that?” I said, smiling to cover the pain that I feel in my heart.

“He’s our new classmate babe. A transferee from Japan. And you know what; we were together the whole day. It’s like that we knew each other for a long time. Hmm… your personalities are even alike, the only difference is you’re very dramatic and a diva while him…he’s him.” That was the exact words that you told me and it made me curious who was that man.

I remembered it well… I remembered myself fangirling over him, our new classmate. I could even remember snatching your journal away from you and calling it, a diary. But you know what; the thing that I could remember well from the time was the worlds that you told me as you hold my hands.

“Baby, you will be the first one to read this journal when I’m gone.” You tightened your hold on my hands. “And babe, I am very happy that I knew you. I was thankful that you were my first friend when I transferred here.” I just dismissed you, saying that you are being dramatic again, and hugged you instead. If only I knew… if only I knew that it will be one of our last hugs together.

Yes, babe, I regret those times. My attention was fully diverted to him. And even if we were together, I was still thinking about him.

I proceed to the next entries on your journal, my eyes blurry and heart thumping. I lean on our tree for support. I can still feel your presence there as if it was hugging and comforting me.

You… it was you again that I was thinking today.

We were supposed to meet with each other…for lunch.

I was absent again and you insisted that we should meet for lunch.

But I can’t make it. I have something important to attend to.

And I called you. You were with someone… a guy to be precise.

You sound worried again but disappointment is evident in your voice. I was disappointed also but I tried to be happy for you because I knew you found the right guy to stay by your side forever.

You ended the call again… with you usual “I love you, babe. Take care.” But this time you ended it with a kissing sound. I tried to smile. You are always my sweetest angel though people consider you as an emotionless doll. They only need to know you well.

I was really disappointed; I was thinking that you will leave me hanging. However you called me, while I was still talking with him, no it was him talking to me. He was offering me to go to lunch with him. I tried to humor him, saying that it will be a date and maybe…maybe his girlfriend will be angry but he told me that he was single. Deep down, my heart was screaming with triumph but my mind was thinking about you.

I am really worried about you that time. You were absent for the whole week and you were not updating me about what was wrong with you. Then… him… he offered me to go out with him the next day. He even asked about you. Maybe, he was confused on why we are calling each other ‘baby’ or why I am that sweet to you in our calls.

You visited me later that afternoon… after our last class.

You interrogated me about what is wrong with me. However, I told you that everything was fine.

“Just some vitamin deficiency that runs in our family.” I can see the relief on your face. You were smiling like a Cheshire cat and immediately knew that you have something to tell me.

 I asked you to spill it out and you know what, it was the first time that I saw you acting like that. You were always calm and compose but that time you were like a panicking chicken.

“Guess what, I am going to a date tomorrow!” You shouted as you held my hand and flail it together with yours.

“So… your desperateness, works.” I joked to hide the pain in my heart. I will try to be happy for you even if it will kill me. You slapped me, on my arm. Yes, I know… after all, who I am to ruin your happiness.

“Babe… really… I am on heaven. A date with no-less-than, the great Kim Myungsoo.” I choked on the water that I was drinking that time. The name rings a bell and I hope he is not the one that I am thinking about. I asked you again.

Kim Myungsoo.

Our new classmate.

You know me well, babe. Yes… people are really confused with how I show my emotions. But you… you knew when I am happy or when I am sad… when I want to talk or want to be quiet… when I want to laugh or to cry. You knew me better that my parents babe. To you I am an open book. However, you don’t know how to play fair, right? Because you kept on hiding your emotions to me.

And that time, I don’t why you reacted like that. I don’t have a clue of your feelings. You were hiding behind that smiley façade of yours so I asked you if you knew him but you told me that his name sounds familiar. You questioned me if where we will be going and what are we planning to do for our date. You were always that overprotective towards me. It can be annoying that time but that was the thing that I love about you most. I could recall the time that you almost kill a guy that made me cry.

You were very happy as you relay your plans to me.

If only, I am that person you are going to be on a date with.

Then, I could be gone happily already.

Yes… that word… ‘gone’. You kept on writing it on this journal. And I hate you for that, Lee Sungjong… because you leave me, without any goodbyes. I hate that word… because of me… you were gone. Moreover, because of him… the ‘us’ that was supposed to be ‘you and I’ were gone.

You were on a date this time. I really hope that you are happy and enjoying your special night while I stay in this room. My little sanctuary… our little sanctuary for the two years that we knew each other.

My eyes were fluffy from crying. I have a talk with my step-brother. He cried too. Sunggyu-hyung was afraid to let me go and I assured him that I won’t be gone without saying goodbye. He hugged me that time, he comforted me. It was only the two of us, our parents being on Japan for their jobs. He told me all of his regrets and the things that he lacks as my older brother. He even insisted to tell you everything. But I was not ready. I am scared. I am scared that I will end up hurting you and you hating me. I told him that I need the right time.

And Sunggyu-hyung was there… to sing me a lullaby as I sleep and dream about you.

Why are you a coward, Lee Sungjong? But I am also at fault because I forget about you every time I was with Kim Myungsoo. I enjoyed our dates but I also missed your company and that was what I realized as I read your next entry.

 You invited me to go with you in your date with the Kim Myungsoo.

I was excited to meet the man that you are always talking about but I was also dreading who really is this Kim Myungsoo that is going to be your boyfriend.

My hyung drove me to the café and my face paled when I saw you with your date.

I tried to regain my composure as I walk towards you and greeted you with a peck on your checks.

I knew Kim Myungsoo was also shocked seeing me. Yes, he is the Kim Myungsoo that I was thinking about the moment his name escaped your lips. The Kim Myungsoo, who was the reason on why I leave Japan and returned here in Seoul.

You were oblivious of our past and I decided for it to stay that way. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to see you cry. Though, I will be the one hurting, I will stay smiling for you.

I enjoyed that day. It may be awkward between Myungsoo and me, but I really enjoyed it. I have laugh again after a long time. I miss you and your company. Also, it may be hard to admit, I miss Myungsoo.

I knew that you knew Kim Myungsoo for a reason. Your reaction upon hearing Myungsoo’s name was a big gave away.  The way you avoided his gaze or the way that you kept silent though I was bugging you and prodding you with a barrage of questions. The way that you ignore Myungsoo as he tried to talk to you. And above all, the way how Myungsoo stared at you during that time… the way he offered you his water and trying to spoon-feed you with the lemon cake that he ordered.

However I tried to smile when I recalled the time when we were walking home. I was sandwiched between the two of you and I tried to put my hands on your shoulders. It was difficult since the two of you were really tall and my height was only average. Him, carrying my bag and you, carrying my camera. You wrapped your hand on my waist as we walked together. Your touches and hugs were the only contact that I can tolerate and I really missed it… I really do.

Only few pages of your journal were left and I was on the part that ended our friendship. It was on the part that I walk away from…that I decided to turn my back on you. If I stay by your side, you won’t leave us, right?

You were supposed to be with Myungsoo today, right?

But he was there with me. He leaves you hanging… I don’t know how many minutes of waiting did you made… or is it hours?

But you still wait for him.

I know that you were pissed with him that’s why you run to our house and there you heard us arguing with each other. Your patience is always like that… you can wait for someone for hours but you deep down, you really want to strangle that person. I tried to make you wait once and well…the result is not what I wanted. I can still hear your curses till now. For an innocent girl like you, you absolutely know how to curse.

I know you were listening to us arguing behind my door. I could hear your sobs and how you gasp for air.

How your steps faded as you ran away from me… from us. I want to run after you but I can’t because I know, after what you heard you will condemn me to hell.

And besides, it’s easier to let someone go if you hate that person, right?

You are right, Sungjongie. I heard everything. From the moment that you shouted towards him for not understanding why do you have to leave him. His shouts blaming you for leaving him hanging on the air.  Your defiance saying that both of your lives were complicated…that you were complicated…and he was also complicated. Yes I heard everything. That’s why I felt betrayed and started to cry. But you’re wrong when you said that it will be easier to let you go… because it’s difficult. I don’t know what will be my world without you.

I could hear you throwing something on the floor and still your arguments remain heated.

“I will take care of you, Jong.” He told you that. “I thought she can by my girlfriend… that she can replace you in my heart… but she can’t, Jong. I still love you.” I hate Myungsoo for that. I hate him for breaking my heart but I hate him the most because he ruined everything between us.

“Because you didn’t expect that she is my bestfriend, L.” L, yes… that was the name that you told me… that’s how you introduced him to me. “Ever since, you are always selfish L. You were hurting her.”

“It’s a sign, Jong. And this time, let’s make it right together.” I could feel the love in Myungsoo’s voice. The love that was not meant for me. I broke down on the floor that time, covering my ears to block out your voices but I can hear your argument. It’s like that it was amplified in my ears.

“No, L. You don’t understand me. As much as I want too, I choose not. What we are doing was wrong, L. Yes, I loved you. And I thought that I need you for a good companionship and not more than that but then I realized that I have fallen in love with you, L. I love you so much that I don’t want to ruin your life… the way how people look at you…” It was your voice, babe… your voice… that made me cried harder.

“I don’t care…”

“For now you don’t. L, you were only thinking that way because of your feelings. And while it is still early, I hope that you can realize that we are not designed for this venture. God created have different plans for the each of us. And I went away because I don’t want it to be like this.”

“Does she know?” Myungsoo mentioned my name again. I knew eavesdropping was wrong but you were talking about me.

“No, she doesn’t, L.” Babe that was your answer. “She doesn’t know anything… about this… about us. And yes, I love her so much L… that I don’t want to hurt her. I love her the way every man should love a woman. I taught myself how to love her.”

“Yes, she is not a difficult person to love. Maybe, if we didn’t meet again, I could have fallen for her.”

“So, why do you have to help yourself?”

“I don’t know.”

“L, it was not the right thing to do.”

I really have to urge to barge inside your comfort zone and confront the two of you about everything…but I feel weak that time… so I turned my back against you room. My cowardice got the best of me and I ran away from your house, ran away from you. I ran away from the last opportunity in seeing you again.

I requested my parents to give me a vacation. I tried to cool my mind and my heart from the hurt and anguish that I was experiencing and when I came back from my little escapade, Myungsoo was the first person that I met. He camped outside my apartment just to ask for an apology. He was the one that gave me your journal. I know, you left it to him because he is the only connecting link between us.

It was the journal that was filled with your little drabbles about me… about us. The journal that tells the story of us. The journal that serves as your farewell gift for me.

I closed the journal and traced the engravings on the cover.

“To my baby, the special girl that I secretly love. The only girl that holds my heart.”

“I missed you so much, Jong.” I speak to the tree as I found my voice. I feel a pair of strong arms wrapping me from behind. “I missed him, too.” It was Myungsoo. Your ex-lover and the one that delivered to me the news about your departure…and your journal.

“Babe, I know you are happy wherever you are now. My only regret is that I can’t take care of you anymore. But I know babe, wherever you are now, they will take care of you well. And the happiness that you were searching for…you can find it there.” I know I am silly talking to some inanimate things. I wipe my tears and continue while Myungsoo hugs me for support. “Babe, thanks for all the memories… thanks for making me laugh…for making me smile… for making me cry. You are the kind of person that stays quiet but you were great when it comes in caring and loving someone. I could even recall the time that I got sick and you took care of me. I really appreciate your effort of going to my house to cook something for me… to make me laugh… and to take care of me. But, babe, you’re really unfair… I am the one that was supposed to take care of you every time you got sick. Baby, wherever you are right now, just always remember that I love you so much. All your heartaches, pain, that you felt…worries, were gone now that you are with Him. I know babe, that you are safe with him.”

I tried to stand up with Myungsoo’s support. He was also staring at the trees teary-eyed. Maybe he remembers his memory with Sungjong. I hold his hands. I have given him another chance. But this time we will only remain as friends.

As we walk away from the tree… I could feel your presence lingering there. And with a last glance I could see you leaning on our tree, waving your hand and mouthing the usual “I love you, babe. Take care.” But this time, it ended with a “Goodbye”.

I love you, Lee Sungjong. Always will. Always have.

Hi there people..

I hope that you like this one-shot that I made... *I wrote this when I am having a fever...so...*

This story is dedicated to all the people that keeps on subscribing and reading my stories.

Thank you very much guys and I love you! You really helped me alot during my bad times.

-Rhay

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