On the first day of school,Taemin saw at was the first time made him nervous.Taemin was in 9th and Jonghyun was in 11th,so Jonghyun was walking to class and Taemin was going to eat  lunch in the Cafeteria.Taemin was just wearing a Denim Button-Down shirt with a design of a bird in the back and black pants.Jonghyun,now,Jonghyun was wearing a Galaxy shirt and blue tie-dye jeans.Taemin thought he looked amazing.

But then when Jonghyun departs to his class,Taemin thinks he'll look amazing in anything.

~

After school on the first day,Taemin saw Jonghyun again.During classes Taemin wrote a letter to Jonghyun but he was too shy to give it to him."J-Jong..."Taemin tried to say words but they failed.Either that or Jonghyun didn't hear him but he was sure that his words failed.

But it's okay if Jonghyun doesn't hear him,Taemin wouldn't want to hear himself either.  Jonghyun was near his friends and he didn't want to be a silly diosturbance.

He just shook off the thought of giving Jonghyun the letter and just walked away,trying not to look back. It's not time,Taemin thought in his head,later will be best.

~

It was midnight and Taemin was thinking about Jonghyun.He was looking at his hands,the crease,fragments.

He wondered if Jonghyun liked frail hands.He would give anything to touch the older boy's hand.

He wondered if Jonghyun wil

~

The next day Taemin tried to stop thinking about Jonghyun.

But then the dreams took over him.

They were in a car.Taxi,to be precise.Both were exhausted.So,so very exhausted. When Taemin leaned onto the window,Jonghyun suddenly kissed him.

"You're so beautiful,you make me cry."Taemin said,through the breaths of the kiss.

He also woke up crying.

~

Taemin woke up in sweat,for the first time.He felt disgusting.

Taemin rushed to the kitchen and washed his face with the coldest water in the faucet,hoping that the water will wash away his disgusting thoughts.

It failed.

~

For two weeks Taemin hadn't seen Jonghyun.He was worried,if Jonghyun got injured.But  when Taemin logged onto Facebook there was a picture of Jonghyun and Minho at a music festival for two weeks.He sighed in relief  when he saw the Facebook  picture.Taemin and Minho are friends on Facebook because they met at  a concert.

Taemin was thinking of adding Jonghyun as a friend,but he then forced that thought out of his mind.Maybe he should talk with Minho about Jonghyun.Maybe Minho will tell him some facts.

Taemin realized he has to be patient,one day Jonghyun will be smiling at him.

He hoped so.

~

Because of the excessive amount of breathing too fast,Taemin ran to the washroom and threw up.

And he told himself Jonghyun wouldn't love a person like him.

~

It was now the middle of the schoolyear.Taemin had never seen Jonghyun look so sad and exhausted.People couldn't tell,but by the way Jonghyun's eyes looked,he looked so melancholic.

But Taemin has always loved Jonghyun's eyes the most.

 ~

When Taemin first saw Jonghyun with a girl named Taeyeon,he felt insanely jealous.Or was it envy?He doesn't know anymore.

Taemin felt guilty when he felt vomit crawl up his throat when he discovered they were only cousins.

He convinced himself he was insane.

~

It was now near the end of the school year,Taemin still had the letter to give to Jonghyun,but no interaction.

He regretted loving him.

~

An agonizing scream left Taemin's mouth when he found Jonghyun unconscious in a stall in the boys' bathroom,and it was the last day of school.

Taemin hugged and kissed Jonghyun but he knew it was no use.

He just wished Jonghyun hadn't consumed so many pills and he wished Jonghyun would tell him his problems.

After all,he loves him.

~

It was Christmas.The snow fell as children were building snowmen and playing around.Taemin sighed and put the coffee mug to his mouth.

"It's Christmas.How are you doing up there,Jonghyun?It's cold here,so very cold.I wish that we would have spent Christmas together.You'd look so lovely in a sweater.Also,you and I would have laid in bed,cuddling to warmth ourselves up."

"I won't cry again.I don't want to make you sad."

~

It became Fall. Taemin was at Jonghyun's gravestone,trying not to cry.

"Every day feels as if it's three years without you.I miss you so much."

He fell onto his knees and the flowers dropped too.

"Next,it'll turn into two years,then four,and I'll never see you again,you're so beautiful,I love you so much."

~

"I was so happy when I saw you that day,I was speechless."

Taemin wrote onto his journal,4:32pm,in his school's studyhall.

I nearly dreamt about you every night this week.I had a dream that if you were still here,you and I got high and the room rained and we kissed and I miss you so much.

~

Taemin met Minho by bumping into him in school.

"Sorry,si--"

Taemin stopped talking when he saw who he bumped into.

"What?"Minho asked,because the boy was staring at him.

"..Do you know Jonghyun?"

Minho averted his eyes somewhere else."I did,why?"

"Was he happy when he still lived?"

"He had problems with his family...Why?"

"Just asking."

And Taemin left to the boys bathroom to cry.

He wished Jonghyun had a better life when he still lived.

-END-