Hey Paula1988!
Read Read Read Review Shop (not accepting Requests)
Kim Taehun's Son by Paula 1988
Review by coolgirlaamy
The Title (2/5)
Your title is relevant to the story but it isn’t very exciting. I’ve seen a number of titles like this one before and it’s not the kind of story where you would be interested to click on it and see what the story is like. It also doesn’t really give any idea of what kind of story this is going to be except from the fact that the story is focused on Kim Taehun’s son and his life - we don’t really know anything about the theme of the story.
Description and Foreword (7/10)
I don’t really know what to say about the description. It helps to provide a background to your story and summarise it quite successfully so good job.
The foreword also helps to provide a good insight into the story and it’s also quite relevant to your storyline and supports the description quite well. There is something that I am confused by though. At first you say that he remembers standing at the grave when he was younger and then at the end you say that he puts the flowers down - which is in italics. Does that mean that he is standing at the grave now or was this in the past?
There’s also a grammar mistake here.
You wrote - “He told to his father's grave as he placed the flowers down.”
It should be - “He told his father's grave as he placed the flowers before it.” It flows better this way.
Plot and Originality (13/30)
Basically, from what I have managed to grasp from this story is that it is about this boy Jun, who is the son of ZE:A member, Kim Taehun, and his life 10 years after his dad has died - basically what you wrote in the description. He wants to be like his father because he misses him so much which is obvious from the way that he reacts to certain situations where his father is mentioned and such.
However, there are some flaws within this plot. You mention in Chapter 2 that Jun was suffering from depression and no one could help him out of it but Jun doesn’t seem to suffer from any kind of depression in this story. In the first five or so chapters, he does seem upset by his father’s death but after he starts school, he seems perfectly fine. The ‘depression’ that he is supposed to have also seems quite unrealistic. Depression is where you don’t think life is worth living anymore and you want to die, but this story doesn’t really have any of that. I mean, I know the story is about him seeking to be like his father but you said he was depressed and he wasn’t - he was just sad.
There are also a number of times where the things that happen are quite unrealistic and I’ll mention a few of those.
In Chapter 15, how could Seul Ki’s scarf manage to get stuck on a tree branch? How did it manage to get that high up that Jun had to climb a tree to get it back?
In Chapter 16, you wrote - "I didn't know you still wore it… The perfume me and dad picked out for you." If his dad died 10 years ago, how could she still have the same perfume? Did she keep it for over ten years?
There is also the part where he saves her from that gang. How could one 16 year old boy manage to save this girl from a gang? It’s not possible. This doesn’t happen in real life.
Characterisation (9/20)
The story basically focuses on Jun so this section will focus on him. As I have mentioned earlier, he doesn’t really act as if he has any kind of depression. He seems perfectly fine and normal though he gets a bit upset sometimes. He does kind of seem like a real person who is genuinely grieving about his dad’s death but would he really remember his father so much even after ten years has passed? Wouldn’t he be over it by now? I mean, there was the chapter where he was arguing with his mother about his father’s death - his mom was way too angry in my opinion and moms wouldn’t say things like that (I had to mention that somewhere). I know he really loves his dad but would someone really grieve over a death like that and constantly remember him? I don’t really know since I’ve never lost someone I loved but would that really happen in real life?
There’s also another thing which I am confused by? Why is Jun so obsessed with Kwanghee? I mean, he gets really upset when Kwanghee couldn’t spend time with him and he was spending more time with his wife. Then he was also getting quite jealous when he found out that they were going to have a baby. What is really going on between the two of them.
Writing Style and Language (9/25)
This area is definitely the downfall to your entire story. If you have weak grammar like this then you won’t do well and you won’t write good stories. I don’t even think you have any real writing style - you focus mostly on dialogue and how the people say this dialogue with a few lines of description in between.
There are so many grammar and spelling mistakes in this whole story that I can’t even tell you all of them.
You wrote ambience instead of ambulance which is very weird. Preg instead of pregnant. Firend instead of Friend. The rest of them you would manage to pick up with all spell-checker. These were just the ones I found quite annoying because you kept spelling them wrong.
One grammar mistake which I noticed you made the whole way through was that you didn’t put a full stop at the end of the sentences - you just moved straight on to the next paragraph or line without putting it there. It needs to be there!
Also when people are shouting, you shouldn’t write the words they said in capital letters. An exclamation mark and the words “He shouted.” or “She shouted.” is enough.
Original sentence
Hi Miss Kim Is your son in his room?" Seulki said politely
Fixed sentence
“Hi Miss Kim. Is your son in his room?" Seulki said politely.
The changes have been made because you forgot to put the inverted commas in at the start of the dialogue - which you have done more than one. There also needs to be a full stop between ‘Miss Kim’ and ‘Is’ because that is a new sentence. You also need a full stop at the end.
Original sentence
"Good morning Jun here your breakfast and lets that right leg of yours"
Fixed sentence
"Good morning. Jun. I brought you your breakfast. Let me fix that right leg of yours.”
Original sentences
"Jun what song you going to sing to her" Seulki asked him as he was holding hands together
"OK see ya I speak to you later" Seulki said and running home
Fixed sentences
"Jun, what song are you going to sing to her?" Seulki asked him as they held each other’s hand.
"Okay, bye. I’ll speak to you later." Seulki said before she ran home.
There are also a number of sentences where I have no idea what you are trying to say and how I’m supposed to fix it. For example:
Ch 21
“Despite Kwanghee being busy with his wife and baby, He still have throught of it”
Ch 22
“As he went in the room, He looked Ayumi drinking her milk and playing a doll thinking I wonder what kwanghee and Sunhwa newborn will be like.”
“She looked into his eyes with holding a box of chocolates and roses with a minute thought”
I suggest you get a beta-reader to help you with any grammar mistakes you’ve made. On the bright side, your tenses are fine.
Flow (4/10)
This story flows at a normal steady pace, most of the time, which is good. However, sometimes, everything is going way too quickly or too slow. Let me give you an example of what I mean, Chapters 11, 12 and 13 are focused on one morning where Jun is going to the café whereas you could have wrote all of that in one chapter. Then in Chapter 15, he suddenly breaks his leg, he goes to the hospital and his mother comes to the hospital all in the matter of a few lines. Do you understand what I mean by it being too fast and too slow sometimes?
Total (43/100)
I'm really sorry if I've came across as being harsh and mean. I'm just trying to help you with your story and there's a lot of room for improvements to be made.
Comments