“So... what are we drinking to?”

Donghae pondered over Hyukjae’s question for a few seconds, cradling the wine glass in his hand. To be honest, he hadn’t expected this. He just did this out of impulse, namely pulling Hyukjae out of bed, snatching a bottle of wine from Sungmin’s collection and driving to the edge of Han River to catch the first sunrise of the new year. Impulsive would be the best word to describe Donghae during his relationship with Hyukjae. It started with him being exactly that way anyway. Donghae smiled a little as he remembered that first kiss he stole at the practice room when they were both sixteen.

“Uh...to a great 2012 and to an equally great 2013?”

Something tugged at Hyukjae’s heart when he sensed the hope in Donghae’s voice and in the looks he was giving him. The tugs were soft at first, until the past events of the late months of 2012 started replaying in his head and then his heart was in full blown pain. Hearing Donghae sounding hopeful was probably the worst part of it all. He knew how bad he ed things up. Most importantly, he knew how much he had hurt Donghae.

“Donghae, I’m...”

“I know you are. Please stop saying that. I know you mean well by saying that but really, it just makes it worse.”

How Donghae said it all with a smile on his face still managed to surprise Hyukjae after all this time. He had no words to say to that so he only did what he always did best. He pulled Donghae’s hand in his, sharing the warmth when he found that Donghae’s hand was cold despite the heater in the car. He reveled at the feel of Donghae’s hand, the fingers a bit calloused because that he had taken a liking into playing the guitar. It’s an early new year resolution, Donghae once said, to be better at playing guitar because Donghae had always admired guitarists and the amount of art pouring from their fingertips on to the guitar. Although Hyukjae knew that it’s not entirely true. Donghae started locking himself in the room alone and learning the guitar around the time… things took a turn for the worse.

For as long as Hyukjae could remember, he had never been blessed with the power of being able to look away once he had set his eyes on Donghae. The boy with the sun-kissed skin that held a clear sign that he belonged to the summer somewhere near the sea, the boy who walked in to the practice room panting and out of breath because he had been late for dance practice, flushed face and all, yet looking like every bit of the model-like perfection Hyukjae often saw in the glossy pages of the fashion magazines his sister had. Hyukjae was just a few months shy of his fifteenth birthday at that time, an age that most people deemed incapable to differentiate between love and a mere infatuation. But when that perfect boy with the sun-kissed skin walked in and Hyukjae just stood there with his lips at least two inches apart and no memory of his mother telling him that it’s rude to stare, he knew right away that it’s not just some sort of infatuation.

That one day in November was the day that Hyukjae never thought could come. As he sat there on his bed, with Donghae standing in front of him and saying and doing nothing at all except staring blankly at Hyukjae, he admitted to himself that the sight of Donghae at that moment was what probably would make him claw his eyes out. He just couldn’t bring himself to look at Donghae in the eyes. Donghae cried over a thousand things, and Hyukjae had invented and memorized a thousand and one ways to stop Donghae from crying, but not once did Hyukjae thought about what to do when Donghae didn’t even cry, when Donghae just stood there for what felt like forever and breathing unevenly but keeping a steady gaze at him, silently demanding an explanation. Donghae’s hand shook as he gripped the phone in his hand tightly, on which Hyukjae saw a picture and could immediately figure out that it’s him there… with her. Hyukjae’s a soldier left with no ammunition, and the bullet from the enemy’s gun cracked through his skull when Donghae turned around and left Hyukjae behind from the lack of explanation.

Hyukjae was known for his unrivaled precision when he danced, but other than that even Hyukjae himself admitted that he was rather clumsy. A few of his previous phones, an iPod, and even Siwon’s bible could be the proof of that. They were either dropped into the toilet, stepped on, or was sat on, no one even kept track of what happened because of how often it was and people around Hyukjae had learned to just wave it off. But it took everybody, even including Hyukjae, by surprise that his relationship of nearly ten years with Donghae could also fall victim to his clumsiness. A trip to the bar as a result of a particularly nasty fight, a drunken , a social media blunder, and suddenly Hyukjae was forced to taste his own medicine.

It’s ironic how Donghae’s impulsiveness started their story and Hyukjae’s clumsiness seemed to have brought it to its demise.

Hyukjae tried to apologize but Donghae ignored him. Hyukjae tried to salvage their relationship but Donghae saw no reason to. Hyukjae did everything he could until he realized that it wasn’t his place to try and fix things, he had ruined everything and to be the person who forced things to go back to the way they used to only made it worse. Hyukjae gave up trying to fix things and left it all in Donghae’s hands. Their relationship, their friendship, and the knowledge that to Hyukjae, happiness was a place he could hardly visit when Donghae wasn’t around.

Donghae crawled into Hyukjae’s bed one night, some time after Hyukjae stepped back and let him mourn the way he wanted to. Hyukjae awoke right away, but decided not to let Donghae became aware of it. His heart was beating wildly with excitement and hope while at the same time pushing all those feelings aside, because he still didn’t know what to make of Donghae’s actions. Hyukjae wanted nothing more than to turn around and gathered Donghae in his arms the second he heard him crying. That was the first time he heard him crying after all the mess happened, but he just kept reminding himself that it wasn’t his decision anymore to stop those tears. It was all up to Donghae.

“Hyukkie, I know you’re awake. I feel like I’m making a mistake right now but… I need you.”

That was all it took for the two of them to find each other again, and Hyukjae made a promise to himself that he would do whatever it took to convince Donghae that he wasn’t making a mistake.

The dark sky slowly changed as the sun started to rise, and Hyukjae was brought back to the present day, to the first day of the new year, to the same hand he held in his every new year’s day for the past ten years. Donghae’s face brightened as he noticed the change in the sky and swallowed the contents of his wine glass before he started tugging at Hyukjae’s hand to pull him out of the car.

“Hyukkie, the sun’s about to rise, come on!”

Hyukjae just laughed and kissed the back of Donghae’s hand before letting it go as they exited the car.

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