Pride and Courage
Taurus
Blog,
Today, Sunny was staring at me during Arch History.
I was getting a pen from my bag and when I looked up, she looked away and walked off in the other direction.
When I got back to my seat, Yuri and Sooyoung tugged on my sleeve simultaneously, with their faces showing conniving grins.
"We'll help you get Taurus, Tae," they said as Jessica threw a piece of paper on Yuri's face.
"Here,' she monotously added while Sooyoung snatched the paper off of Yuri's face.
"Ah, these are the plans..."
I don't think that any of them will ever grasp the fact that Sunny is straight.
I've told them many times before that she occasionally had crushes on guys, but she had never been infatuated with a girl before. Therefore, she must be straight. They never listen, those idiots. It's funny because there's this apparently legitimate rumor that our class of twenty, are all either gay or biual, all of us except for one girl (also known in my mind as Sunny).
Yuri is a flaming homoual who keeps donning the stereotypical lesbian fashion juxtaposition of plaid shirts and heels. Sooyoung is crazily in love with her, even our mentor knows about them. I caught Hyoyeon watching Victoria's Secret shows and browsing through r-rated magazines. And finally, Jessica, oh Sica, is dating Tiffany.
"So the plan is...." Yuri explained everything like a commander; precise and to the point, pointing out the various points that Jessica scribbled on some piece of lavender scrap paper. Jessica's something, I'll have to admit that. She was wearing her sunglasses all the way through, with arms crossed, and she was chewing some strawberry bubblegum.
The first point was something along the lines of 'Be her friend again', which, in my opinion, was one of the hardest ones to accomplish. She's probably forgotten about me as much as I remember about her; a lot. I know of this as I've tried to get closer to her today.
After Architecture History was lunch and I took the opportunity to approach her. The anticipation I had in me was great and I felt nauseous, my palms were greased with sweat and I was preparing all those words I planned in my head to say to her. I breathed in and breathed out but eventually, I cowered and ran to the corner of the room.
Just the other day, my mood was in an all time high and for a split second, I thought that somehow, the day that I return to her, that she'll run into my arms and whisper that she missed me. I had that optimistic viewpoint implanted in my mind as I turned around to walk up to her. I gulped in and walked up to her and her circle of friends.
"Yeah, I'll meet you guys later," she told them, waving goodbye as she turned around and jumped a little due to my presence. I looked down and up again, my heart fluttered and then stopped beating when I looked in her eyes for that one second. Quickly, I looked away but my mind went blank. Right then, Sooyoung popped up behind Sunny and and made obvious hand gestures.
"H-Hi Sunny, how's it going?"
"Oh, hello Taeyeon, nothing much, sorry for bumping into you." And that was when my viewpoint shattered. I expected more, maybe a little more expression, more happiness in her voice and I didn't get either of them. I held my tears back as I choked to get my next words out of my system.
"H-hey, why don't we talk to each other anymore?"
"I don't know. E-either way, do you remember what class we're supposed to go to later on?"
"A-409, just a few classes from the cafetorium."
"Oh thanks." She walked off, without a smile on her face. She used to smile when we parted ways, what happened to us? What's wrong with me? Was there something wrong with my face? Did I say something by accident, did my actions piss her off?
She used to say 'bye' in the sweetest voice I've ever heard. She used to hug me and never let me go for so long, she used to pull me around and call me her 'favorite dork'. We spent so many nights together in the dark, eerily lit hallways, putting off work and trying to get a laugh out of 'breaking' some idiotic rules.
What confuses me was that after I got over the pain and the misery of her not really acknowledging me as much as she used to, I felt happier. It's ironic but I felt lighter and dizzy-headed when I remembered that second in time that she she looked into my eyes, me into hers. She looked so breathtaking beautiful and smelt like a field of flowers in springtime.
I should update you on my my current feelings, which are progressing into heartache more and more.
Since I'm at home, and in my room, I can hear everything that my Mother and Father are currently discussing about downstairs. Today, the locals from our area had a Gay Pride parade and it's on the news now.
I'm on the verge of tears, wait, no, I feel the individual streams of tears falling down and each drop hitting the surface of my desk. I can't fake what I feel. Of course they're dissing homouals, they're homophobic, my Mother slapped me once for saying that gays are okay.
Blog, I don't think I can ever tell my parents unless I've officially found a job in another company and moved out.
"They're disgusting," they say. I hear it all, I hear it all and I don't know what to do. They're down there with my brother and little sister, all talking about how they hate gays, how they're not natural and how they deserve to die.
If I told them that I'm gay, would they consider me dead? Or would they forget that they even had a daughter? I'm trying to drown out their conversation with my music but damn they're loud.
I remember my Father asking me one simple question- "What would you do if your child was gay?" And to that, I said the most spiteful, most bigoted comment that I've ever made. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that if I hated gays, that it'll just go away.
"I'd tell them to kill themselves. They should just die and go to hell. They're like toxic waste, poisoning our society," I blurted out. I felt like jumping out the window when my Father slapped my back, laughed and messed up my hair. He got up and showed me the thumbs up sign, and that memory still haunts me. Do they hate us that much?
What I said was what I kept repeating to myself after I realized I was gay, and that had no effect on me at first but after I said it out loud, I felt a hard pang of guilt, as if a train had hit me and I felt miserable the entire week. I wanted to commit suicide but I found out that exact same day how cowardly I am.
It was clear to me that I was gay the day I realized how much I thought about my first crush's kissable lips and gorgeous eyes. I literally spent an entire day daydreaming about her kissing me. Tiffany Hwang was the only girl I could think of. As for boys, I never had an interest in them.
And now, Sunny's the one I think of all day, all night. Have you ever felt as if someone actually stabbed you in the heart? She's doing a good job. And now, someone's knocking on my door, I'll get to you later, blog.
<<<~>>>
"Unnie, why do Mommy and Daddy hate gays?" My little sister of only 9 years asked as she fiddled with her fingers, looking down at the tiles. I carried her to my bed and let her sit on my lap, I her hair and smiled. At least one member of my family understands.
"I don't know, but I think you shouldn't."
"I know, Unnie! Gay people only love people their gender! Why would I hate people who love?" She hugged me and snuggled up. She placed her hand over my heart and sighed.
"That's why I love you more than daddy or mommy!" Giggling softly, she got off my lap and scampered to the window. As her eyes lit up, she lifted up the window and hopped in excitement. She stopped after a while and regained her composure. "Unnie, don't worry, I love you. I heard you crying when I was going to my bedroom."
"Wait, so you-"
"I saw you looking at an unnie's pictures. I think her name was Sunny? Anyway, she's pretty! Are you going out with her?"
"Hayeon, please don't tell Mom or Dad about this."
"Oh you are!"
"Hey! I'm not!I...can't, she's s-straight." She lowered the window and shuffled to me with the most adorable pouty face.
"Unnie, I hope you get married to her someday. It's legal now!"
"Hayeon, how come you're so open minded? Mom and Dad have lectured me so many times and when I was your age, I hated them as well."
"Unnie! My best friend's sister is gay too! And she told me something...Now what was it?"
"Hayeo-"
"Ah! Her unnie told her that love is love, no matter what gender!"
I'd be lying if I said I didn't smile or feel much better after my sister's mature quote. Hayeon left the room but before locking the door, she opened the door a little and smiled through the crack. It's amazing what young children can teach you and how they're able to touch your heart.
Love is love, no matter what gender. I'm in love with Sunny, and I'll keep my hopes up that she feels the same way deep, deep inside just so I can sleep better tonight.
Thinking of Sunny smiling makes me smile as well.
I want her smile to be directed at me someday.
To Hayeon, I love you.
And to Sunny, I love you.
Author's Little Note- Omg I think I used the word 'gay' too many times. And yay for Hayeon! Thanks for the comments!
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