Hey! Here's the first chapter, I hope you like it. I wrote listening to various songs, but one of them I loved the most was; Red Apparatus Jumpsuit Your Guardian Angel. I know you don't care but I would advice you to listen to it here; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7Em4fUOrZo

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

A 9 year old girl stood behind her mother with earphones on her head listening to My Guardian Angel. She was crying with her eyes shut closed. Even though she was listening to music she could hear her mother’s screams. A tall brunette was standing in front of her child protecting her from her abusive husband. Her whole life she’s been with this man. This monster… even though he was a monster she loved him, but her daughter meant much more to her. After a long battle the mother finally got her husband unconscious. She turned to her daughter; the little girl was looking at her with eyes full of tears. All the little girl saw was her mom mouthing out; ‘Run away and don’t look back.’ And that is what she did… She ran as fast as she could…  Until she heard a gunshot…  

A young brunette girl woke up with her face wet. She’s been crying once again. This was her usual nightmare every day. In the night she couldn’t sleep, she would stay up until her body forced her to sleep. Today wasn’t any different; the girl sighed as she got up wiping her face and getting ready for the day. Her roommates Chung Ae (18) and Hana (17) greeted her with smiles as she walked out of her room. One smile was smaller than the other. It was an instinct for her to smile back. The girl’s name is SN (19). The leader and main vocalist of a famous k-pop band XooX. Chung Ae is the rapper of the band and Hana is the maknae, visual and vocalist .She’s living a tough famous life, but for the sake of everyone around her she pretends she’s fine. But truthfully she isn’t. Inside she’s fighting herself every day, she’s fighting back the cries and screams for help. Nobody seems to notice how truly tired she is. Nobody notices how sad she is. That fact makes her feel… lonely.

˝ Alright girls, let’s go.˝ their manager announced as he walked out of his room with the car keys. SN smiled like she always did and followed behind her manager. Even though she smiles, her mind is being possessed by dark voices. She isn’t like every idol in the k-pop industry. Every girl idol is skinny and y. SN isn’t.  She’s chubby, not too chubby. For the first past years she’s been doing fine looking the way she does. SN was never the skinny kid when she was younger. She was always chubby. Well lately she’s been hating her looks. She hates everything about her. The haters keep pushing that onto her and she feels more pressure. Every time after she’s done with shows, concerts and fan meetings, she checks her Twitter. Of course as always there are hateful comments about how she lacked on a concert. That pushes her to stay in the practice room for hours. Even if it’s midnight she’d stay there until she passed out. Sometimes she’s only get 2 hours of sleep. Usually she woke up on the couch covered by a blanket, still in the practice room. At first she was surprised by it, but later on she got used to it.

The one who saw her cry, put her on the couch and covered her was none other than Yang Seungho from MBLAQ. Seungho met SN and XooX almost 3 years ago. He knew SN was good at judging persons and he knew SN was a beloved sister of Kim Sunggyu from INFINITE. Yes SN was adopted by Sunggyu’s family when she was 11. When she got there she didn’t know how to smile and laugh, but Sunggyu helped her, the whole family helped her so she felt loved. While she was with her family she was happy and she has never had nightmares of her mother. But lately she’s been having nightmares and she’s slowly starting to get more and more depressed.

Ever since Seungho saw her they’ve both became great friends. Even though in their culture it says they can’t be friends, they still are. They’re friends in a respectful way. He’s like another brother to her, nothing more, but to him she’s more than a friend, a younger sister… much more than that. MBLAQ and XooX belong to the same entertainment company. Only that XooX has a different boss than MBLAQ. Their company is separated into 2 companies with 2 different bosses.

When SN first auditioned she was a rebel, refusing to do a thing they told her. She only did what she wanted and she hasn’t changed. SN is still the same, but slowly as time passes she’s getting tired of it all. Yet nobody notices how tired she’s becoming.

˝ SN! Yah SN wake up.˝ Somebody called out to SN as she woke up from her deep thoughts. She saw a tall blonde male approaching her. It was Yang Seungho. SN once again faked a smile for her friend. Today MBLAQ and XooX is doing an episode of Weekly Idol together. Right now they’re in the background waiting to get their hair and makeup done.
˝ Hey.˝ SN whispered in a tired tone. Seungho saw it and sat down next to SN with a sigh.
˝ Are you ok? You seem tired.˝ He asked with a small smile on his face. Other members of MBLAQ came greeting SN. That slightly pissed Seungho off because he wanted to talk to SN, but now he couldn’t because she’s talking to everyone else. He was secretly looking at her and the more he looked the more he realized she looked different. Very different from when he met her 3 years ago. He could swear he saw her eye colour fading out. They almost looked black, but before he could look at her more and study her more he was called to do his makeup. He looked at SN one last time before he walked off and got his makeup done.

SN on the other side was faking smiles and laughs once again. She could feel Seungho staring at her so she tried her hardest to look normal. Little did she know Seungho noticed a change on her. 

An hour or so passed by before everyone got their makeup done and so the show started. First the MC’s called out XooX. The girls ran out, Hana was the one who giggled as she came in, Chung Ae kept her cool and just smiled with a bow, SN walked out with a smirk, a normal cool image. Next out the MC’s announced the arrival of MBLAQ. Seungho walked out with a big smile on his face, following him was G.O. with his cool image, third was Lee Joon with his childish smile on, fourth was Thunder with a cute smile on his face, his pink hair adding up the cuteness and the last was MBLAQ’s maknae Mir who walked out in a funny way as always trying to be funny. SN faked a laugh and acted cheerful like always. It made her sick to the stomach, it made her hate herself even more than she does.

˝ Okay so SN, Seungho-sshi did you hear that fans ship you and SN together. I agree with them you both look like a wonderful couple.˝ Mc Don said with a grin on his face.
˝ Hahaha so how about you two do the apple game.˝ Mc Defconn said with a laugh as he continued; ˝ So this apple is placed between your foreheads and one of you has to roll it down to the ground without the apple falling on the ground.˝

SN faked a laugh and thought that nobody noticed it was fake, but Seungho did. He saw how faked up the laugh was. He was a honest man as he said many times and he truly was, he disliked dishonesty, but he knew something was deeply wrong with SN.
The next thing that happened was SN and Seungho were standing next to each other certainty too close. SN was a lot shorter than Seungho was so he had to slightly kneel.  There was an apple placed between their foreheads.

˝ Okay sam (3), dul (2), il (1) START!˝ Mc Don yelled out. They watched as Seungho tried to make the apple go down but SN moved away and the apple fell to the ground. They both did numberous tries but they failed each time. After that game ended the next segment started; Profile Verification. It took a while and SN disliked it, she was slowly getting tired of faking it all. Everyone was having fun, but SN was being consumed on the inside and on the outside she looked fine, faking it all.

2 hours passed and the show ended; finally. MBLAQ and XooX were both heading towards their vans. While they were driving to the dorm SN checked her Twitter, once again it was filled with hate on how horrible she looked. After a couple of minutes they arrived at the dorm. Only SN was dropped by since Hana And Chung Ae had schedules. It’s been a while since SN was at the dorm alone.

Once she stepped inside the dorm, tears started to fall down her face automaticly. She took off her jacket and the scars could be seen on her wrist. The old ones were fading, but the newly ones were still blood stained. She walked to the bathroom and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

‘God you’re disguisting… man I look horrible and fat.’ She thought as she grabbed a razor and started to cut her wrist.

One cut… two cuts… three cuts… four cuts… five cuts… fifteen cuts… twenty-two cuts… thirty cuts… thirty-six cuts… forty-four cuts…

SN sighed and dropped to the floor her wrist and arm was bleeding fast and her vision started to become blurry. Her tears kept falling down her face, she was bleeding even more… she dropped on the cold ground closing her eyes drifting to eternal sleep with a smile on her face.

Mian… everyone…