There was a time when I had to feel lost and don’t know where to turn. The moment when the world forced me for always being weak instead of changing my ways or competing outside there. Eventhough, I always could say okay or fine in front of the mirror, but I knew for sure what was inside me didn’t said so.

I got angry everyday, realizing there was nothing I could do. Sometimes I thought that my lives didn’t exist at all. I had a life but I could not say that I had one, because what I saw outside the window are different from what I had here.

For I don’t know how many times, I really felt this mental destruction. I was here, in a room for two months now. I was fed up by everything had done on me. I was dying and no one understood how frustrated I was. I was there merely waiting for God taking my breath away. Desperate enough.

I pulled the needle out of the back of my left palm as the blood oozed out of the wound leaking like a sieve on the white bedsheet and the floor. I was only a few steps to reach the door, and a nurse came and shocked to see the blood making a path behind me.

“doctor Hwang Chaneun, where are you going? You are bleeding” the nurse said walking closer to me. See. How was I not supposed to be desperate? Everyone knew me here. I was working here, as a doctor and now I was dying, let others saw how weak I was.

“I wanna go outside, too boring here. I’ll take care of this”

I tried to walk more but she insisted to block my way out trying to get me back to the bed. “Okay, let me call doctor Hwang Chansung first, if he said yes, you can go” she negotiated as I was not into that at all. I knew what that big brother would say and do to me.

She forcefully sat me on the bed. I was a little exhausted due to a little haemorrhage on my hand, It’s annoying that I was so weak. She pressed the bell to call the doctor, my brother Hwang Chansung exactly. And not just calling him, She called someone through the phone to bring any aids here to take care of my wound.

In no times, Hwang Chansung came and showed the same expression as the nurse when she first saw the blood diffused on the floor. And the other nurses came over bringing the aid.

“You all can go, I’ll take care of this. Thank you” Chansung said as he grabbed the aid-box.

It seemed so intense as the nurse got out of my room. He took the cotton to clean up the blood over my hand. “What now? What excuses you have planned?” he said while wiping the wound with disinfectant softly.

I didn’t have any plan though, to answer him. “Get on the bed” he said straightly but I could fell his anxiety through his face.

I crossed my hand on my chest looking straight to the windows. “Here” he pulled my hand. I resisted as I knew he would infuse the needle back on my hand.

“Oppa! I don’t need all this stuffs! Don’t bother your self with me, just go back to your work. There are so many patients outside” I bawled.

“It’s okay, they can wait. I’ll take care of you first, my little girl” he bantered smiling.

“No! I can take care of my self. That’s what I went to medical school for. I am a doctor, anyway” I loose an annoying sound.

“Yes. I believe you are a genius doctor afterall. So this is  a special treatment for my baby girl”

His kindness was my biggest mental destruction. I stood up beside the windows and accidently knocked the vase off the table. I was shocked. I couldn’t stand my anger and it just came out as a cry. I cried hard leaning against the window.

“Okay, it’s okay. I’ll call the office boy to clean up.” He pulled me in his warm arm hugging me tightly.

“Oppa, why me who had to born in a cold winter? Why me who had to bring this pain along my ways? I am already sick of it.” I cried even harder.

“Oh my! Why do you always ask that way?” He caressed my hair.

“No oppa. I am dying now. I’ll die soon”

“Who says? Why so easy to say die? Let’s wait together, okay? You will be okay, even you will live for 100 years more” he gave me a light kiss on my cheek.

“My baby girl, let’s live well, okay?”

I sat on the bed while he softly injected a sedative before attaching the needle on the back of my palm. “Is it hurt? Would you like to take a revenge on me? It’s okay. Here inject me too” he handed me a needle.

I hugged him tightly. Even he is my brother, I don’t know how much he had his cool on him. “Oppa. I am afraid that I’ll lose you. It’s okay even a thousand needles attach on me, as long as I have you. Oppa, I’m sorry”

I saw him smiling. “We’ll go through this together, okay? Just take a rest for awhile, omma and appa will come over. Oh my! I really miss you, little girl. I’ll be back if i get things done”

I saw him walking out of my room. What was all this? Being trapped here for two months making my emotions got rocky.

---..---

We were all gathering. Chansung oppa, omma, and appa as well and the new coming Panda onnie and Taecyeon oppa. “onnie! You are here” I shouted as she entered my room.

“Hey baby girl! Yes. Chansung called me to come, actually I planned to come over tonight but he said aunty is here too”

“Did you only expect her to come? Even I get no welcome.” Taecyeon laughed as he hugged me and gave a peck on my cheek.

“Yah oppa! What are you saying? You are the one I wait for, the most”

Everyone bursted into laugh. We have a warm afternoon together. Panda onnie is Taecyeon’s little sister. She is the same age as Chansung Oppa. And we were so close as a cousin. We hang out together, buying a couple stuffs, and sometimes I slept in her house. We shared everything.

“onnie, you have to kidnap me out of here!” I declaimed.

"Yah! you little girl, what else you will plan?" said Chansung as he pinched my right cheek.

"We are no friends oppa! you are not allowed to talk to me!" I pushed him away pouting my lips as well.

"Oh my! this girl! wait until Chansung get you cuffed" Taecyeon chuckled.

"Look at her wound, she keeps hurting herself. I don't know how many times we have changed the needle to the left and the right hand. Later we must attach it on her head"

I wish I was deaf now. I heaved a huge sighs as I threw my back to the bed. They could say that way because they didn't know how it felt to be trapped. Here, I didn't have any rights to say no, even when they tried to ask me, my answer would just be an answer. I was desperately dying.