It's not your fault
It's not your fault
"When a lie can exist in a relationship, that isn't trust — that's neglect."
She let out a huge heart-wrenching sob, sitting with her back to the wall, arms round her knees, in a corner of her dimly lit bedroom. Her beautiful features were shadowed with melancholy, her eyes swollen with grief — she looked as though she had been crying at a funeral for the past few hours.
Well yes, she had been crying for a few hours already, but not because of someone's death, but rather, her loss. Her loss of him, not physically, but emotionally.
They had been best friends since they were in diapers. The Invincible Trio, they called themselves. Kim Jonghyun, Jessica Jung, and Shin Sekyung — put them together and it spells trouble. The most mischievous kids on the block, they pulled pranks on everyone they could. However, as they grew up, it became obvious that there was one of them who was the odd one out, and it was none other than Jessica, the girl who was currently crying her eyes out for a guy whom she knew never loved her, or rather, her efforts that were all in vain. He didn't love her — at least no more than a friend would — and nothing could change that fact.
*flashback
A year ago...
"Jjong, I-I..." Fear and sadness lingered in her watery eyes.
"Sica, what's the matter? You can tell me anything." He sat the girl down on a nearby bench as he brushed her hair out of her face.
"I-I only have a y-year more to live." She managed in between sobs.
"Why? What happened? What type of illness is it? My mom can help you to look for the best doc—"
"No, Jjong, there's no more hope for me. I'm going to die of brain cancer." Tears started to roll down her rosy cheeks.
"No, really! I'll ask my mom! She'll look for the best doctor to help you and we can pay the cost for you!" His voice was laden with panic and grief.
"It's no use. I just have one last wish, and only you can do it."
"Say it! I'll do anything!"
"Be my boyfriend."
"Okay! I'll be your boyfriend!"
*end of flashback
He had given up his love for her. He had given up Shin Sekyung for her, and the new couple went announcing their relationship to all their friends. Boy, everyone was shocked, but as much as that, they couldn't believe their eyes. All along, it had been Jonghyun and Sekyung. Jessica was just the third wheel which the couple didn't mind. They were the Invincible Trio afterall, best friends for the past 20 years of their lives. But now, Sekyung was the rejected one, the one who was dumped; Jonghyun was called a player, a jerk, for getting with another girl, which was also his ex's best friend; and Jessica, well, she was the cause of all the drama. But no one knew.
She had no idea how or when, but that feeling of love for him had slowly creeped into her heart unknowingly, and one day she realised that irregular heartbeat, that hyperventilation, that wave of electricity that passed through her entire self. And her conclusion — she had fallen in love with him. She knew she wasn't supposed to, but she couldn't help herself.
In the past year, he had treated her really nice. Extra nice, to be precise. Any request that she had, whether it was to watch a movie or go window-shopping, he had followed it and acted like a real boyfriend; any gift that she wanted, whether a teddy bear or a branded handbag, he bought it all for her without blinking an eye. He was the best boyfriend any girl could ever dream of having. She, was having the best time of her life — it was probably comparable to heaven.
A year later, on the day she was supposed to die, give or take, she had revealed everything, her whole scheme of plans. She didn't have brain cancer. In fact, she was in the pink of health. All she wanted to do was to make Jonghyun fall for her, which obviously did not work. The surprising thing was, he didn't even seem angry. In fact, he patted her nicely — just like he always did — and smiled. He was glad that she was healthy and even forgave her on the spot.
For a moment, she was happy that he took it so well, but realisation soon dawned on her, and here she was, sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
He had never truly cared about her. It was all an act, a show, something done out of obligation.
She, had never displayed any symptoms belonging to that of a brain cancer patient, or for that matter, a sick person. Migraines, vomiting, blurry vision, swelling — all negative. In fact, other than that pitiful acting when stating her so-called 'last wish', she didn't have to do anything else. He didn't really pay attention to her. All he did was to send her a message everyday, asking if she did take her medicine, and afterwards, a reminder to rest well. In fact, it was the exact same message he sent everyday. Sometimes, she wondered if he just copied the previous message and resent it.
On the surface, he was the perfect boyfriend, one who always made time to go on a date with her, chat with her, and fufill all her wishes. On closer inspection, has he ever cared for her? The answer, no. He had never truly cared for her, never really suspected her even. This wasn't trust, this was all neglect.
Had he really loved her, or for the matter, cared about her, he would have realised that she didn't even have cancer at all. And after realising the truth, he would be angry, disappointed, and just like a true boyfriend, he would quarrel with her. But no, he didn't.
Another wail of heartbrokenness was heard as she thought of what he would do if Sekyung was the one who made up this same lie. They were truly in love with each other. They would definitely have a tiff, but between them was true love, and with love comes stubbornness and understanding; tears, and afterwards, hugs.
Finally, she got up from her crouched position as she headed for her table. She knew what she needed to do next. Leave, leave for good. She didn't want to, but all this mess was caused by her. If she left, everything would return to normal. Maybe there wouldn't be the Invincible Trio anymore, but at least, they could be happy together.
Dear Jjong,
It's weird how I got so used to calling you yeobo already. Thanks for all that you have done for me in the past year. I really appreciate it. You don't know how much fun I had and how much happiness I felt. The past year has really been the best time of my life and I'll never forget you.
You and me, we're not meant to be. I know, you'll never look at me like you'll look at Sekyung; you'll never feel what you feel towards Sekyung about me. I'm just a friend to you, a really good friend, that's all. I'll never get to experience how Sekyung feels when you hold her hand, when you buy a necklace and put it on for her, when you feed her your pasta.
You know, you never suspected a single thing in the past year. Yeah, you'll probably think that it's trust, but no. It wasn't. It was neglect, oversight. No, don't blame youself — it isn't your fault. It was mine to begin with. I knew it right from the start. Your heart, isn't here. It's with Sekyung.
Thanks for everything, but I don't deserve it.
Go get that girl yeobo Jjong!
Signed,
Sica
Smile Sica! Now you know he's going to be happy with her! You should be happy for them, they're your friends afterall. A bitter smile was etched onto the tear-filled face of the blonde girl. A hand roughly wiped away all the moisture that coated her face. "Yes, they'll be happy now." She convinced herself as she folded the note and placed it on her desk.
Packing her things and grabbing all her savings, she sneaked out of the door. Goodbye Jjong, you'll be happier without me. I was never meant to be in the story in the first place.
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