I felt a sudden wave of apathy wash over me as I stood there hopeless. It hadn’t been the first time I felt this sensation, yet every occurrence was bolder then the previous. They came and went with no warning and they never really seemed to have a concrete meaning behind them. I could be esteemed to the highest honor and still have a reluctant clutch in my gut.

   I was preparing to end my day. I skulked through the busy city streets of midnight Seoul. I donned a full black entire that contained a hoodie draped so far over my face I could be mistaken for a cult member, baggy sweatpants that were unnecessarily long for my stout body and worn sneakers that had met with the hard gravel of the road too many times.

   When I finally arrived at my high rise apartment complex, I flung my musty shoes into a corner and flopped down on my leather couch. After spending some time mindlessly staring at the blank television, I began reviewing everything that happened earlier that day: I spent most of my day without my group mates. Yet when I was with them, the atmosphere was light and everyone succeeded in keeping it that way.

We performed our latest song” Why So Serious” on Music Bank first. Our main vocal Jonghyun was missing due to his “broken nose”, and things were tough. We hadn’t won any music shows with the song and this was our last week before our goodbye stage.

As Taemin, Minho, Kibum and I left the stage empty-handed; we were greeted by our managers and coordi noonas who exulted us to great extent. They droned on and about how we performed better than those horrid 4Minute girls and how we deserved that trophy twice as much as they did. I thanked them for their kind words but I knew those words were coming out of their asses. The song was bad and everyone knew it.

After that dreadful experience was done, I split up from the rest of SHINee for my own solo voyage. I had to travel half way across the country to reach my next destination. I went to shoot my cameo in a sitcom “Pure Love”. When I arrived, everyone seemed to be happy that I was there with them, almost honored. It was ridiculous. “Onew-sshi, we are so grateful that you could be here with us today! You must be such a great actor! I just feel it from you!” the producer exclaimed. I knew he was just trying to get on my good side so I wouldn’t go back to SM and give his production team a bad name just because I felt like it. I had the power to bankrupt him within a day. The only reason I had agreed to play a part in this petty sitcom was the fact that SM has complete control over what I do with my career. Those slave contracts are no joke.

My role was some unnecessary, sore, short-fused cousin added to the story just so I could cameo and raised their destitute ratings. I won’t lie though; I did enjoy playing this character. In all the various parodies and random skits I have done of the years, I have always played the nice guy with the heart of gold. It was a gross guise of who I am supposed to be to the public. It was almost sickening watching myself. My personality is the complete opposite of that description. Honestly, I’m just an unemotional, boring, callous blob of a man.

   Afterwards I had no plans, so I headed towards a bar right outside the city. I first had to stop at a barren  gas station in the country so I could change into my attire that would make me almost unrecognizable. When I was done, I continued to drive to the bar. My car smelt of cigarettes because I had the terrible habit of smoking my lungs away while driving. The scent was so unbearable that the only reasonable thing I could do to get away from the scent was light another cigarette.

By time I reached the bar, it was well after 2 am. The bar was a petty, dirty shack. I felt second hand embarrassment for the owner of such a sad sight. I slithered into the bar with my whole body covered. Only my lips where visible. I sat down at the bar and ordered the first of many drinks I would be having that night. It was a shot of vodka. It felt like it was tearing away my insides as it went down but  the sensation felt exhilarating. I lit a cigarette and downed my next few glasses of several different liquors.

Around 3 am, I finally reached my peak. I was completely inebriated. My motor skills were completely diminished. I could barely speak and my legs had a mind of their own. The bartender noticed my inability to even hold my phone properly. He offered to drive me home and I was too drunk to refuse. I wobbled my way to my car and threw myself into the back. He got in the front and asked for my address. “oneeeee….foutay pive * hiccup* poop street” I slurred incoherently. “If you don’t tell me your address properly right now I will call Seoul police on you for public intoxication Mr. Lee” He said brashly. I sobered up immediately”145 Busan-gu in Seoul. Please don’t call the cops on me, I already have a lot to deal with” I practically begged him.

While he drove me home, I managed to sober up enough to stand up straight. The drive was uncomfortable for both us. A strange man was driving me home in my car at 4 am in the morning while I’m piss drunk. There is definitely nothing normal or easy going about that.

Finally, we reached down my street and I was so relieved to be home. Then it hit me… how would he get home? I asked him if he want me to call him a taxi or something but he declined. He said he lived in the area and could easily walk home. I didn’t even bother asking him twice. We both went our separate ways and I was fine with that.

My night was coming to a close and I was happy it was.  I plodded my way home. The street was almost pitch black even though I lived in one of the most affluent neighborhoods in South Korea ,and  yet they couldn’t both installing some street lights.

I was nearing my apartment building when it finally hit. The sudden wave of numbness. I just stopped caring. About everyone and everything. It all didn’t matter anymore and I couldn’t understand why.

I finally finished remising about my unusual day and I still felt the numbness. I pulled myself up from the couch like a marionette and dragged myself to my bedroom. I quickly stripped, laid down on my bed and ponder my existence and every decision I have made to this day.

What am I worth? Will people remember when I die? Am I helping the progress humanity or hindering it? I felt apprehensive about everything around me. It felt surreal. Like I wasn’t even there. My chest clutched unbearably and I felt my room closing in on me. I had to get out. I sprung up and walked to the bathroom. I took a warm shower hoping it would calm my nerves but it failed. As I stepped out the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and sat down on my couch. My chest still felt uneasy and I couldn’t bear it. I had to have a smoke. I didn’t normally smoke inside my apartment but this time it was an emergency.

After taking many deep drags, my mood settled a little and I felt at ease. I had overcome this unwanted feeling for now but I knew it would soon be back.

I put out my cigarette and fell asleep on my couch knowing that the demon inside me that cause me to be so unhappy was not gone and will be back in the near future.

Author note: Hi Everyone this my first fanfiction ever! Please tell me your honest opnion!

I want a  lot of critics so i can get better! :)

Thank you for reading!!