Seunghyun rolled over in his bed, tangling long, sleep awkward limbs along the pristine white sheets. He glared at his phone for the nth time, ignoring the flashing screen and the dull buzz of the vibration. 

 

He didn't get it. Why couldn't they leave him alone when he wanted to be? 

 

All he wanted to do was to get pissed drunk, mumble nonsense to his bearbricks and lie depressed in the comforting darkness of his room. 

 

Okay, he wasn't depressed, depressed. He was just, as one might phase it, going through a dry spell. 

 

Alumni's filming had gone and ended well, but the young man found himself unable to separate from his screen character. He felt constantly heavy in his heart. Low on fuel. Creative spark depleted. Unable to do anything. 

 

Unable to do anything but mull. 

 

That would have been his manager leaving a vulgar voice message for a hundredth time. The previous ones before would have probably been the president, the maknae and the nuthang boys. Probably a week's worth from Daesung and Taeyang equally. Maybe even two from Jiyong. 

 

Maybe Jiyong didn't even dare to call him. He had been so morose apart from when they were onstage together that the leader literally avoided him like plague. 

 

Not that it bothered Seunghyun given his current emotional emptiness. 

 

Jiyong would mean an over-abundance of hyperactivity. Always doing something, always in the studio, always out. Jiyong always had his hands full. For Seunghyun now, Jiyong's presence only spelled trouble. In capital letters, nonetheless. A blonde bundle of high energy. 

 

He wondered if Jiyong ever felt spent. Exhausted. If the leader ever did, he was doing a ing good job of hiding it. Seunghyun shut his eyes, letting the rest of the day/days slip by in a haze. 

 

 

 

One day, he was happily drunk and taking up the task of rearranging his precious toys when the phone rang again. Seunghyun must have been out of his mind, because he had literally pounced at the device upon seeing the ID flashing across it. 

 

"Daesungieee~~" he croaked in a singsong voice, throat raspy from the amount of wine he had been drinking. For the past few days. 

 

"H-Hyung?" Daesung sounded even more startled that Seunghyun had answered, repeating his address a couple more times just to make sure. 

 

"I'm here Daesung-ah..." Seunghyun smiled dreamily, halfway through polishing a life-seized Bearbrick. 

 

"Hyung, where have you been?"  Was he kidding? Everyone knew where he was. Leading the life of a rich recluse at home. 

 

"You know where I've been Daesungie, everyone knows~" he continued in his singsong tone, reaching over just to hoist up his wine glass in an imaginary toast. 

 

"Of course I know that- ." Daesung rarely cursed. "You know what- ah, scratch that. Where have you been?" 

 

Seunghyun went rigid a little, shoulders stiffening; defense mechanism kicking in on auto. He felt stung. Like a unruly child being questioned by his mother. "What's this Dae? You know where I've been..." He evened his speech. "You know why I-"

 

"God, Hyung!" Daesung cut him off, his voice dropping to a near whisper. "You haven't checked your phone today have you? You just answered this on a whim!"

 

Spot on. And Seunghyun felt even more hurt. Why was the sweetest member of Big Bang taking a swipe at his misery? "Daesung," he warned, "I'm not in the mood to go into the ing studio or put up some performance." The last time they stood together on Jiyong's final Japan stage had already taken a huge piece out of him. He couldn't possibly give when he was running on empty. 

 

"Hyung, I know. If you would have even checked your phone, you would realized this is a bit of an emergency..."

 

"I don't want to ing check my phone!" He whined. He sounded like a real child now, but that was the least of his concerns. 

 

"Hyung-" Daesung sighed. "Jus- just come to the hospital if you want to. Jiyong hyung should be waking up soon, if we're lucky..."

 

Daesung's words muted to a soft whirl, Seunghyun struggled for speech; not sure if he had heard correctly. "W-what?" He stammered. "Jiyong- hospital? Wait... What?" He didn't even understand the tirade words that was coming out of his mouth. 

 

"Yes hyung..." Daesung sounded empathetic. "Teddy flipped when he found him passed out in the studio this morning." 

 

Morning? What time was it now? His eyes squinted in the dark, the night sky greeting him from outside the window. 

 

Jiyong. 

 

. 

 

ing . 

 

"It's exhaustion." Daesung continued for his benefit. "We've been trying to call you all day." 

 

"... Daesung, I-" What was he supposed to say? He put his phone on speaker, fingers tapping the touch screen at a rapid fire pace. Tracing back messages, texts, numbers until his eyes fell to one name. So many, from the same name. 

 

Two weeks ago. Hyung, I miss you. I'm hungry. The studio is boring without you. New album sounds good, wanna listen first? 

 

One week. Hyuuuunngg... Give me a back rub, I'm tired. Help! I have no inspiration!! I'm tired. I'm tired. 

 

I'm tired. 

 

Hyun, where are youu? 

 

Are you still alive? 

 

I'm hungry, but I have zero appetite. Everyone thinks I'm on a diet. Come feed me, idiot. 

 

"Oh god..." He clapped a hand over his mouth, Daesung's worried voice over the speakers. He couldn't bring himself to read any further. "Dae... I-" 

 

"Just come over Hyung, he'll be happy to see you when he wakes. And maybe, maybe you can get him to stop working like a robot." He couldn't find his words and his eyes strained from starring at the screen. He had scrolled down to the latest few texts. 

 

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. 

 

"Hyung?" He managed a croak of response, and Daesung sighed. "Take a shower while you're at it." He sighed again, muttering a soft goodbye before the line went dead. 

 

Seunghyun had probably never prepared so hastily, never ran so fast; never drove so fast in his entire life. Especially within the spiral of these few months, his life had been just slow, slow, slow. Painfully slow. He couldn't care about the number of red lights he almost ignored. Almost. Because he wanted, no; needed to be in one piece. So that Jiyong could yell at him later. He needed to be there in person for his best friend/boyfriend to rip his head off. He felt like the worst piece of in history. 

 

 

The corridor had almost cleared up when his shoes skidded to a halt. He pressed a palm against the wall, cardigan draped over his arm, panting. Daesung and Taeyang were there, holding foam cups filled with takeaway coffee. The shorter band mate stood up first, clapping a hand over Seunghyun's shoulder as he passed him, a grim smile on his face that said that it was good to see him. Taeyang left Daesung to talk, very brilliant of him, as usual. Daesung was always pushed to the forefront when it came to dangerous ground. 

 

"Dae-" he gripped the arm of the poor man so hard, apologizing profusely when he saw him flinch. 

 

Daesung gave him a small smile, "he's in there. Still knocked out, so you're safe for now." He gestured to the direction Taeyang left to, "we'll be at the cafeteria." He paused, "take your time." 

 

 

Seunghyun pushed open the door gingerly, hands swearing beyond his control. He never liked hospitals. Now he just hated them. The room was bathed in an eerie hue of darkness; curtains almost fully shut, there was only enough light so that no one would trip and fall. Much like the condition of his home these past months. Just like, but so much more fearsome to Seunghyun. He pushed past the blinds, taking three lungfuls of deep breaths before he opened his eyes. He didn't dare look at the man on the bed until he sat. So scared that his legs would just give way. 

 

He had half hoped that Jiyong would be awake and throwing the biggest, baddest fit when he would arrive. That the corridor would be filled with boisterous staff and co-workings loosing their minds over being made to give in to Jiyong's ending whining about being allowed back at work. His meager mind conjured up images of the noisy chatter of the boys laughing, forcing the doctors to sedate Jiyong just so he could slow down. Slow down and breathe. He didn't really expect it to remind him of those grueling times they spent in training, the trying years as rookies. When this was commonplace to one or more of them. Now that they were here, where they were right now, he had expected things to be less tumultuous. No, he had wanted Jiyong to take it easier. But this exactly was, is, the character he fell in love with. The crazy genius who worked his off, if not more than anyone; everyone. Jiyong never took things easy. 

 

He cast a tentative look to the bed, almost shy; almost nervous. If the scenario in his head played out, Jiyong would be making a snarky remark anytime now. 

 

Seunghyun almost felt disappointed when he was greeted with even more silence. Jiyong in the form of a wan looking figure, resting on the bed, blanket drawn up to his chest. The bare lighting in the room made the bags under his eyes visible, the pale of his dry lips stand out. And his hair, god; he didn't even know Jiyong had a haircut. Those cropped short blonde bangs did nothing else but elevate the sharp stabbing in Seunghyun's chest. Jiyong looked so thin, so small. And so positively irritated. Seunghyun mused, pressing a trembling finger pad over the knot between the leader's brows. 

 

"Bad dream huh?" Were the first words he spoke. His mind running short of things to say to the lover he hadn't seen in months. He wondered what was going on in Jiyong's mind. Was he actually miffed that his body had decided to shut down in the midst of his endless pile of work? He had to be. Jiyong was always aggrieved when he had to take a day, or two off. Aggrieved, but always too tired to argue with the president's decision. 

 

The room fell into silence again. Seunghyun just sat there watching Jiyong, like a statue; too inanimate. Was that how Jiyong felt when Seunghyun just decided to drop off the face of the earth? That his lover was so too far away. He cursed mentally, awarding himself with the decade's prize of the most terrible boyfriend in the entire universe. 

 

How could he even not be there for him?

 

This was worse than the misery of not being able to find his ground after the filming. This was his entire world pivoting out of control. Kwon Jiyong in the center. He felt much, much, much worse. A small part if him grew a little mad at Jiyong, wanting to shake the brave young leader awake to ask him why? Just why did he think he could work himself to the point of exhaustion? Just why did he not call out for help? Oh wait, Seunghyun paused in this thoughts. He did call. Until Seunghyun had to find it in him to tell Jiyong to stop calling. To give him the space he needed. He flinched in his seat, fingers unconsciously trailing along Jiyong's cool ones, memorizing the knuckle shapes and lines. 

 

The false impression of warmth was enough to lull him elsewhere when he hooked his index right under Jiyong's pinky. He found more comfort than he had in months. The wave washed over him like a slow breeze, easing the tension in his joints, the strain in his neck. He might have imagined the blonde's smaller hand pressed over his eyes, tracing his lids shut. Seunghyun's head lowered, chin dropping towards his chest, following the easy tunnel of silence. He let the shades of night envelope him, catching him by the arms. Sleep charming it's way into his troubled mind. 

 

 

He woke abruptly, chased by monsters in his dream, feeling too drawn to his character in the movie again. He let out a soft groan as he twisted to free the muscles in his neck. The shuffling of his limbs accompanying the drip, drip, drip of the IV that was attached to Jiyong's hand. Seunghyun peeled open his eyes to check on Jiyong, finding himself staring straight at the soft glow that fell into brown orbs, the color of caramel. His jaw fell slack and he might have gapped longer than he liked to. 

 

"Hey handsome," Jiyong's voice was soft, cracked. But it's melody still bothered Seunghyun. He shifted, not knowing what to do, suddenly flustered at the proximity and realizing that they were alone. Should he apologize first? Or ask him how he was feeling first? Seunghyun opted for the later. 

 

"I um.... Are you feeling alright?" 

 

Jiyong chuckled, experiencing a personal joke. "I feel like , exhausted as hell if that's what you're asking..." He straightened a little, trying to lay his head further up the pillow. Seunghyun reached for under the leader's arms by instinct, gently easing him up. "Thanks," Jiyong muttered. "What brings you?" 

 

Seunghyun had to bite his lip not to facepalm himself, had they really spent so long apart? "I... Daesung... He called." He tried to explain and then there was a hand on his as he struggled with his words. 

 

"It's okay," the more assuring Jiyong was, the more it broke his heart. "I'm fine." 

 

The walls started to quake and shatter. 

 

He didn't deserve such kindness from him when he was the one who had shut himself off. 

 

"Are you feeling feeling alright?" His question was returned to him. Jiyong was frowning, chapped lips set in a grim line, picking at his nails out of habit. "Hyung, talk to me. We're not strangers you know? Don't-" Seunghyun was afraid of this, the rare yet crippling moment when Jiyong would display his vulnerability. And he would have to come to terms with how much of a jerk he had been. "Don't treat me like one." 

 

It took him as much as forever and a deep breath to look into Jiyong's eyes, trying to seek out the abundance of emotions showing at once. He could see that Jiyong was desperately trying not to invade into his personal space. He could also see the lines that crept into the corners of his lids, the weight of the world that sank into his cheek and thin skin. Sallow, but still so beautiful, so handsome, so welcoming. 

 

"Hyung," Jiyong spoke again, making a shiver run down Seunghyun's spine. The smaller man shifted slightly, wearily, patting a space beside him. "Come here." Seunghyun didn't know if he should. He had too much going on right now. Jiyong simply stared at him harder, an gentle pleading that he couldn't resist. "Please." And he did, pushing off his shoes and crawling into the hospital bed, wedged and pressed to Jiyong's side. 

 

He touched his face, no; cradled it for the first time in months, running fingers and thumb over the curve of his cheek, over his lips, over his brow. He teased his button shaped nose, traced his eyelids, relishing the way the leader's lashes fluttered and a soft sigh escaped his lips. Jiyong in returned decided to get comfy, a thin arm snaking across Seunghyun's waist; resting his face against his boyfriend's sternum. 

 

An 'I've missed you' was whispered into his skin and Seunghyun realized Jiyong wasn't the kind to want answers. He didn't ask Seunghyun to explain anything that he didn't want to. He wasn't the type to stretch and pull from him. It occurred to the taller man then, that all Jiyong wanted was for him to be there. 

 

And that he had missed Jiyong just as much. 

 

Maybe even more. 

 

He didn't think the both of them could compete. 

 

"I'm sorry baby," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the crown of Jiyong's hair. 

 

The first sign of intimacy in many months. 

 

Jiyong swatted his arm, smacked his chest. "Idiot," Seunghyun just waited, waited for him to say the words. The blonde tilted his chin, lips full and inviting. Very much Seunghyun's to claim. "Kiss me again." 

 

How he would gladly oblige. He already had his thumb pressed between parted lips, a small chuckle lighting up his face. He bent and sought them out, his tongue sliding over Jiyong's. Jiyong murmured into the kiss, moaned; Seunghyun tightening his grip around Jiyong's waist. 

 

He would do kissing. And when Jiyong was discharged, he would do so much more. 

 

Starting from tomorrow though; he would apologize first and gather enough strength to start again. Jiyong would probably start ing at him tomorrow onwards. He would probably have to force feed the younger into eating and threaten him with no should he even be within a mile radius of the YG building. And Jiyong would protest and make empty promises on that account. But he would also make attempts to sneak in behind Seunghyun's back. Just because Seunghyun couldn't possibly not want to have . 

 

Just because. 

 

And they would argue and fight over the smallest things. And then make up and call each other by their pet-names. And Jiyong would smile, laugh; like the most precious thing in the entire world. Seunghyun's very own bottle of sunshine. 

 

They would repeat the stupid cycle all over again. 

 

 

These are precisely the things that he loved about Kwon Jiyong.