“Are you okay?”

When Kevin asked that, he didn’t really expect an answer. It was more of a rhetorical question, one he would make just so he wouldn’t lose his habit; nevertheless, he still got quite sad when everything went silent in the room. Embarrassed, he lowered his head and faced the floor, while rubbing his hands against each other really fast, as though that friction would make the shame go away. Even though it looked like he wasn’t paying any attention to the other man, his eyes were actually fixed on Jaeseop’s feet, and his senses were all connected to him. If Jaeseop was to get up, shift positions or simply sigh, Kevin would feel it.

At that moment, Kevin felt extremely disappointed at himself. He was not used to being like that. Two years ago, he wouldn’t even care about the other’s welfare; actually, he still wouldn’t, if the affected person wasn’t Jaeseop. His devotion for that man came totally out of the blue and had already dominated his life completely: Kevin would dream of Jaeseop, wake up thinking of meeting him, have breakfast thinking of which clothes he would like him to wear, go to work longing for his sight, have lunch glancing at his table, go home happier because he got to see Jaeseop, have dinner thinking of seeing him the next day and go to sleep imagining Jaeseop’s light touch on his skin, careful but lustful. Some of their colleagues had already found out about Kevin’s love, and one of them, the oh-so-caring Hoon, had already warned Kevin about Jaeseop’s lack of interest on him. Every time he did that, Kevin would shake his head and say he already knew about that, and then Hoon would tell him to be more careful; but what could Hoon possibly say when he suffered from the same malady?

Some days, when it got too difficult to cope with the pain of not having hopes to be with Jaeseop, Kevin would go for a walk, if he had a chance. If these days happened to overlap working days, he would just spend some more minutes having coffee with Hoon, and then the names of Soohyun and Jaeseop were spoken only through whispers between them. These little conversations didn’t really work, to be honest. They just let Kevin even more down, thinking of all his misery. He only had those conversations because of his puny hope to get rid of the pain, and also because he thought he was helping Hoon. If only he knew Hoon felt the same...

“It’s just a twisted ankle. I should be okay in no time.”

Jaeseop’s answer startled Kevin. He stopped rubbing his hands and looked at the other man, who was facing him with those neutral eyes he knew so well. Even though he was sure it would do no good, Kevin suddenly started picturing what would happen if he confessed his love for Jaeseop. They were all alone, so there wouldn’t be any reactions conditioned to social circles. Also, Kevin would have the chance to forget about it all if Jaeseop rejected him. If it was done nearby a group of people, maybe the other wouldn’t accept the confession that well, and maybe he would even humiliate Kevin, although unintentionally. Kevin wanted to get that off his chest, and talking to Hoon and feasting on pizza and ice cream was doing nothing for him, so he was able to surpass his embarrassment and finally realize confessing was the best thing to do.

“Jaeseop, I... I need to tell you something.”

“I’m listening.”

Kevin gulped and started rubbing his hands again.

“I don’t really know how to say that without causing surprise, so... I-I’m in love with you.”

There was a really long silence, during which Kevin thought about running away and never going back to that company, but he couldn’t do that. He knew he wasn’t a man of many talents, and that job was pretty much everything he had, aside from his fantasies with his co-worker. He bit his lower lip, feeling his mouth completely dry. When would Jaeseop break that awful silence? Kevin couldn’t take it anymore, but he also knew that he couldn’t break it. He already said everything he wanted to, now it was time to wait for the other to answer, and so he did.

“Oh... Cool.”

“Cool?” Kevin’s surprise was so huge he didn’t even make an effort to hide it. How come he confessed to Jaeseop and all the other had to say was “cool”? What kind of man Jaeseop was? Did he have no heart? Tears formed in Kevin’s eyes, but he suppressed them. Even though it hurt, he was the one who chose that. He knew he could – and probably would – be rejected, so he wasn’t able to complain. But... Cool?

“Yeah. I mean, you should know I’m not that into you. You are pretty, you know, but... I’m just not interested. Sorry.”

Three knocks on the door cut away the time Kevin had to think about that response. He was politely kicked out of the room when Soohyun came in, but he actually wanted the chief to shove that courtesy up his . Everyone was so insensitive; how couldn’t they realize Kevin was going through hard times? There were tears in his eyes, did they need any more signs of his pain? Sighing, Kevin headed out of the room to his own, and Hoon followed him, asking a lot of questions. He realized Kevin was not okay and wanted to talk, but all he got was a door slamming on his face, because even though Kevin wanted to have his pain noticed, he didn’t really want to talk about it. It has been brought upon him by himself, so he had to mourn in silence.

Thinking of those things, Kevin didn’t really notice when the bell rang, announcing the end of the day: he just grabbed his stuff and headed out of the company automatically. He also didn’t think before walking down the street to catch the bus, and truthfully, he didn’t even think about the bus. After a few minutes at the bus stop, Kevin just realized it would be better to walk home, so he could organize his thoughts and feelings on the way; however, the pain of being rejected by his two-year-long unrequited love was requiring every single inch of his brain to mourn, and he wasn’t able to see the truck that was passing by the street at the same time he was crossing it.

***

Kevin let out a small scream and opened his eyes really wide to face the darkness. He knew that, somewhere above his head, there was a ceiling, but he was not able to see it. He also knew he was lying on a hotel’s bed in Japan, and beneath that bed, there was a floor. That thought had him really happy; that might sound really stupid for someone else, but for Kevin, thinking of floors and ceilings was something very important at times like those. He closed his eyes again, not trying to go back to sleep, but trying to calm his heart down.

“Are you okay, Kevin?”

Jaeseop’s voice hit Kevin like a truck, and his heart pounded even harder. For a moment, he completely forgot about sharing a room with him in Japan; actually, for that moment, he forgot he shared rooms with anyone. AJ’s strong voice was very surprising, especially because Kevin felt weird every time he heard it. He knew that weirdness was not totally unknown, but he didn’t want to admit to himself what was going on. Kevin was well-known for his devotion to God and Christianity, and confessing love towards another man would completely break that image. Even if he still believed and loved Jesus Christ while thinking about Jaeseop, telling the other man about his feelings just sounded too heretic.

“Yes”, he answered, a little coldly, trying to keep that distance between them. “It was just one of those bad dreams in which you fall off a cliff.”

“Oh.” AJ’s voice didn’t sound very comforted, but he seemed to believe Kevin’s explanation. There was no reason for him not to, actually, since it was true. “Back in Columbia, they used to say that when you dream of falling, it’s because you died in an alternative universe.” That idea sounded really stupid to Kevin at a first analysis, but then he stopped to think. It didn’t make a lot of sense afterwards as well, but Kevin started imagining what he was like in an alternate reality. Was he able to confess to Jaeseop in that universe? Or wasn’t he even in love with him? While he was still thinking of that, AJ verbalized his first thoughts: “I wonder what your alternate dead self was like.”

“Yes...” Diving into his own imagination, Kevin didn’t care to wish Jaeseop a good night. He believed his thoughts wouldn’t go too far while picturing the now dead Kevin of another reality, but, when he turned to Jaeseop to tell him what he was probably like, he heard a snore and let out a giggle. AJ was so tired these days... “I don’t know what he is like”, he whispered, “but I’m sure he’s still in love with you.”