Received

“Bae Su Ji is accepted in Seoul National University.”

“Congratulation, university student Bae Su Ji. I have something for you. Let’s meet up, okay?”

Sent

…

To: Nineteen years old Bae Su Ji

First of all, I want to congratulate you for being accepted in Seoul University. I see you aren’t just bluffing, huh? I’ll keep my promise on giving you a present, okay?

Well, I don’t know if my present will be as grand as your achievement. But it takes three years for me to prepare this, so you better be happy, got it? And what I mean by be happy is that it doesn’t need to include tears. I really don’t know what to do if you cry.., because of me.

So my present is that I want to apologize for that time, when you are still in high school. I want to apologize for rejecting you. That time I thought that you were still too young and I don’t want to be a nightmare in your dream. Instead I want to be your star, watching you from a far yet silently fulfill your wishes and be by your side day and night but only visible at night.

But Su Ji, when a star is near, it will be a sun. This time, I want to get closer, I want to be nearer. I want to be your sun now. Presenting you with sunlight in every second you have and even if I am not visible in your eyes, my light will always be reflected for you.

All these years, I kept thinking, just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer and I promise I’ll tell you everything. I’ll confess to you and wash all the bad feeling away. But sometimes, it’s just too hard. Sometimes, I want to rush it, ignore the consequence and just let me be yours. Sometimes, I even forget to behave, well I wish that could explain the kisses and stuff. (So stop avenging me by calling me ert or ia! Or if you still mad at me, at least don’t shout it, more over at public places!)

But I don’t want to give up yet. I believe in you. There’s a battle that we both must win. And today, Su Ji, we have won it.

p.s. as bonus, I’ll tell you one secret. Yours has never been an unrequited one. I like you first.

From: Twenty two years old Kim Myungsoo

…

  Most of the time, it was quiet, almost deafening to be exact. But it wasn’t rare here to be loud also because of the extravagant screams and cries.  People usually waited inside but I prefer to wait outside. But I didn’t think it would make a different if I waited inside, people there didn’t talk with each other. It was more frustrating, to be in a room full of people yet heard nothing but silence.

  “What are you doing here, young man?” A lady old enough to be my grandmother became the first one to speak to me since the first time I waited here.

  “I am waiting for someone.” I answered. Her eyes swept my profile then she gave me an understanding nod. “How about you?” I continued when she didn’t speak anything more. I really wanted to speak with someone right now.

  “I’m looking for someone,” she answered. While answering my question, her fragile hands clutched and by only then I realized in her hand was a crepuscular letter.

  “May I know what is that?” I confessed my curiosity. She looked at the letter and finally I found out how she looked like when she smiled.

  “It’s the first letter I got from that person.” By then, her dejected voice had turned into somehow warm. Her tiny mouth curled from pressed smile and I saw memory of the past floating back in her eyes. It looked like it was suffocating there so I decided to bring it to surface.

  “Do you have a story behind it?”

  “Of course.., of course, young man,” she gave a small chuckle, signaling she had a history to tell. I urged her to continue which she voluntary did. “I wonder where I should begin,” she started like she was afraid that her words couldn’t describe it as grand as the event itself. I didn’t say anything more, I’d like to give the time she needed.

  “His family used to work for my family. We grew up together as master and servant in status, but as friend in heart.

  When we got older, there was this love letter trend.” She took a pause there, filled it with weak chuckle with slight shook of head. “I got some from my friends and he knew about it. None of those letters appealed to me and honestly, I wish I could get one from him. But that time, he didn’t even know how to write nor read.

  After that, the time we spent together gradually decreased. He always said he was busy even after he had finished the housework. I thought that it would be the end of us. After all, we had this gap that someday we couldn’t pretend not to notice.

  Month later, I got this letter with lavender scent placed neatly on my table. On the paper there were sentences that explained how this letter written, he used our time to secretly study.” The voice she used when she said it showed me how proud she was.

  “What else written on it?” I asked her. It wasn’t necessary for her to look at the letter anymore and I wonder whether there was a day for her not to read that letter,

  “His promise of being someone decent for me. Someone who could guarantee my life and make me happy for the rest of my life.”

  I nodded. A tear escaped her eye and it urged me to wipe it, but then she used her own shaking fingertip even before I tried. I continued,

  “You said that was your first letter from him. When did you receive your last letter?”

  This time another tear fell but she smiled, “A day before our marriage.”

  Our conversation ended there. I bowed to her and she smiled to me. I was walking back to the place I used to wait but something crossed my thought, maybe it was malicious, but still I said to her,

  “I hope you don’t find him here.”

…

  When I got back to the place I used to wait at first, I found another person there. It surprised me but then it also excited me. He looked like someone my age but messier. It looked like he just came back from pub and had glasses of beer and maybe even something more. More or less, he looked lonely.

  “What are you doing here?” He asked me right when I reached his side. His tone was rude but I liked the fact that he wanted to socialize with me.

  “I’m waiting for someone.” I answered him. His eyebrow rose to degrade my presence.

   “Who?” He asked. It was a shorter question but I found it a little bit hard to answer.

  “My best friend.” I finally chose an answer.

  “A girl?” I nodded to that question. “Is she pretty?”

  “She is beautiful.” I answered without giving a thought neither use a second to visualize her in my thought.

  “How does she look like?”

  This question was harder to answer. I realized that until this moment I answered him without giving it a thought, without memory and my mouth just knew the answer. This time, I took my time, trying to visualize her which turned out to be a hard thing to do, I didn’t make it.

  “She doesn’t need make up to look beautiful. Her hair looks perfect even though she doesn’t do anything with it. You won’t get enough of taking her picture. She is someone that once enters your thought stay in your heart. She is, beautiful.”

  He laughed at my answered without trying to make it sounded less rude, “You are bluffing,” he said between his mocking laugh.

  I wasn’t really sure that time if it was the right answer to describe her, but I was confident that she was everything I describe, or maybe even greater.

  I didn’t stop his laugh, he stop laughing when he had enough. Then he continued, “I know.., I know someone that look exactly like you described.” His voice when he said it, he finally sounded real, a nice person.

  “Is that person you are now waiting?” I asked him. He looked down and his long messy hair covered half of his face, but I could still see a small longing smile on his face.

  “Yes.”

  “Why do you wait for her?”

  He lifted his face and looked at me. The rough expression he had before now had become softer. He finally looked like someone my age.

  “I want to know whether I am being forgive or not.” I didn’t ask what it was; I guessed his appearance had explained it for me. That moment, I wished I met him long before today. I wished we could be best friend and spent more time together. I wished I was there on his side so maybe today I wouldn’t find him here as messed up as this with pain in every word he said.

  I didn’t continue my interview, feeling too guilty over not capable on doing something for him. He laughed to fill the silence and this time his laugh felt comforting.

  “Hey, you know, it’s kinda pathetic to have someone you love as your best friend.” He said after laughing. He gave me a challenging smile and degrading eyes.

  “I never tell you that I love her,” I answered instead. He chuckled more and it pained more because I found out that he was even nicer than I thought.

  “It’s obviously shown, stupid.”

  We didn’t get to talk more after that, right after he said it, a woman as beautiful as he said she would be but older than how my best friend should be  came. Her steps toward us were firm and her small shoulders looked like it could lift any burden. I only found out that she was crying when she walked pass me.

  The guy from before was now inside with her. I took a peek from the window, and saw that both already met each other. The woman finally broke into cries and her legs finally fell to the floor. The guy fell with her. I couldn’t see what the woman was screaming or saying, apparently the guy didn’t forget about me, he looked at me through the window and gave me an ease smile. It eased me just like how it eased him.

  He was forgiven.

…

  It was nice that he managed to meet with the person he was waiting for in short time, but I couldn’t but help to feel lonely. I was still thinking how nice it would be for both of us if we had met and be friends. But knowing what had passed was passed, now I was thinking whether the one I waited for would come or not. I really wish that she could come soon.

  While I was thinking about that, a boy no taller than my chest which I noticed had running back and forth at the end of the alley now were standing in front of me. His eyes judged my profile; I gave him time for that. When I felt that he was done, I squat so we could build a conversation between us.

  “Are you a boy?” He said to me first.

  “Yes, I am,” I answered him certainly.

  “Then why are you wearing a pink shirt?” He attacked. It took me aback; I didn’t realize that I was wearing a pink shirt by then. I looked down to take a better look of myself. “Do you like pink color, hyung?” He continued when I didn’t give him an answer.

  “No. No,” I lifted my head and answered. “I like black.” I said it and somehow I sounded like I was telling myself.

  “Then why are you wearing a girl color shirt?” He still demanded an answer from before. I always like that side of kids.

  I tried to find and answer for it in my head but then just like before, it wasn’t on my thought. I let my mouth answered it, not only for the boy but also for me, “It’s because she likes pink.”

  “Who?”

  “Someone I am waiting for.”

  “That someone must be a girl.” His hand was on his chin like he was now trying to solve a riddle. It was both amusing and brilliant. I nodded and his eyes showed that he was amazed with his own analysis.

  “Don’t you feel embarrassed?” He pointed with frown; it was my time to chuckle. I wanted to ruffle his hair, but decided not to, just in case I thought.

  “No. To be honest, it’s something that I could be proud of.” I explained. But of course, the persistent guy still had lot in stock to argue.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m doing something that could make her happy.” While he was still thinking, I continued by giving him a question, “Do you have someone you love?”

  “Yes. My mom.” He answered excitedly, sparks obviously shown from his lively eyes.

  Suddenly a realization hit me, I hadn’t ask on how could a kid like him ended up here alone, “Are you here because of her?” I asked. He nodded at my statement and for some odd reasons it worried me even more. “Where is she now?” I hesitantly asked, screaming prays inwardly.

  “There.” He pointed far away, I fell in relieved.

  Back to my sense I continued what we had left behind before, “You could also make your mom happy by doing something she like for her. Then you’ll understand that nothing else matters. You won’t think about what other may say, you won’t feel embarrassed. Everything just about making her happy.”

  He finally nodded on what I said, acknowledged it as true. “Well, it’s a relief that my mom’s favorite color is not pink.” Again, it made me chuckle.

  “Well, it’s not good to wander this late. Your mom must be looking for you right now. Get back to your mom.” I still wanted him as a friend and talked more with him, but I knew I couldn’t be selfish. He was already yawning several times and I knew his mom needed him more than me. He agreed on my suggestion then soon bid me a farewell. I didn’t think I would see him again.

  After he took some steps to leave, he turned back to me to say his bless on me, “I wish you’ll meet that pink lady soon.”

  Yes, I also wish that I could meet her soon.

…

  Hours after that a new person came. First, he went inside but not long after that he came out, maybe decided that to wait outside was better. He was older than me, but wasn’t an elder, maybe on his early thirty. He looked neat and dependable, the contrast between them oddly made me remembered about the young messy nice guy from before. I was thinking that maybe he could be the next person to talk to me. It had been a while since I had a person to talk to. And it was too quiet again.

  He took a seat on the floor, straighten his back and sit firmly. Anxious aura floated as every second passed. It didn’t seem that he would bother to talk to me, so I decided to take the first approach.

  “Mister, are you waiting for someone?” It was more like a rhetorical question; of course we were here to wait for someone. 

  So it surprised me when he answered it vaguely. “I am not sure either.” I tried to dwell on his answer, but ended up asking.

  “Why?”

  “Because she’ll cry. By then, I won’t know what to do.” Again dwelling on his answer, one event suddenly flash on my mind. I realized then the reason why I liked someone to talk to was not because I was lonely, but because it reminded me of her. By talking with someone, she was present by my side.

  I spent the last hours waiting in emptiness, trying to recall anything about her yet found nothing. All I knew that I was waiting for her. Waiting for someone that was so precious I couldn’t leave before I met her. And I didn’t know how, but it didn’t feel sad neither it felt lonely. It was like a privilege for me to wait for her. I was simply happy knowing that waiting for her meant that I would get to meet her.

  No second felt like a waste. No matter how loud the clock ticked, I wasn’t scared. But that was it for me. As I predicted, this man was a dependable nice man. Instead of thinking about himself, he thought about someone he waited for. Well, I was trying to think about her, but I was unable. So it was my first time to think how it would be when she arrived here.

  Would see cry upon seeing me? Just like how this man feared for the one he waited for?

  What would I do if she cried? I knew what to do when she cried, but the thing was, I didn’t know what to if she cried because of me.

  Somehow I managed to remember this one moment, she was crying then, crying because of me.

  “I couldn’t get on what you think. You are always here but I can’t reach you. One time you kiss me but you labeled me as your best friend. One time you make me think that you love me then the next second you make me feel like I am an idiot.

  I am upset, you know? I am really am upset. Do you know what upset me? I am upset because even after you reject me and treat me like that, I still like you.

  I won’t ask for anything, I won’t ask you to change either. It’s okay to stay like this. I am not ranting to get something from you. Just like this, as long as you are here it’s enough.

  It’s just sometimes I can’t help but to feel upset. So today I’ll cry, but I promised after this I’ll be alright.

  So don’t ask me to stop loving you just because I cry tonight. Got it? I am just upset. But I’m okay. Just because I love you doesn’t mean you need to love me to. Just because you don’t love me doesn’t mean I am not allowed to love you.”

  She was crying when she said that, hard enough to make her chocked on her own breath and suffocated. That time I remembered I didn’t know what to do. Only watching her fighting on her own. I was fighting too, but I was in different field. That time I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t say anything either. It was a battle that both of us must fight on our own.

  I could only wish that she could survive and if it wasn’t too much for me to ask, I wish her feeling wouldn’t change until we won our battle.

  No more word being said after that and we just lay down side to side, facing each other, eyes closed. After a moment, I heard her breath got even and soon made a rhythm of a lullaby; she was already asleep by then. I fell asleep while hearing her breathing. By morning, she kept her promise on being fine and so I was too kept my role just like how she asked me.

  Just a little bit longer, I thought. Few more rotation and we both could reach the place where we could be. That time, I kept thinking, just a little bit longer.

…

  Thinking about it, I told him what I always told to myself, “Mister, even though she will be crying, I believe it’s what she wants the most right now. I believe more than anything, she wants to meet you. And even though she will cry, one day this moment would be her strength, and one day, she will be alright.”

  “You too, more than anything, want to meet her, right?”

  From there he told me that the person he was talking about was his wife. It was a half year marriage and they were still hoping for a child. He didn’t mind whether it would be a son or daughter, maybe twin would be cute. He just hoped that their children could accompany his wife because his wife got lonely easily and he also wished the child could be their strength.

  “Do you still think that it will be the best for us to meet?” He asked me, he gave gnawing smile reminiscing about those days he spent to wipe the tears from his wife’s eyes. I understood now why he wasn’t sure whether he wanted his wife to come or not. He was just like me that couldn’t do anything that moment. But I thought it was sometimes necessary for us not to anything, because then they would have tendency on depending on us. And that wasn’t fully good because our heart may not waver but our body would wither someday.

  “Mister, for me love is atrocious, but it’s never destructive.” I told him. There would be pain, and of course tears, but I didn’t think their presence were to destroy. It just gave them strength.

  There was still a time for him to tell me about his newlywed’s life. I found a joy in every word he said and somehow I also found it as an amazing thing. To have her every time I opened my eyes in the morning, to argue with her even more in every decision we needed to discuss, to find out her bad habit which actually she never tried to hide in front of me, then to hold each other hand and prayed to God every day and night, I thought I’d like to do all of it with her.

  “You know, one of the best things about marriage is that at some times they could look like catastrophe but no matter what they are still breathtaking,” he told me. We laughed at that one. After we finished our bursting laugh, he continued by asking me,

  “How do you see your girl?”

  Suddenly I managed to remember another moment I spent with her. It happened a few months ago, she was working on some final projects which even confiscated her time to sleep and eat. She became so grumpy and I didn’t have the guts to talk with her except when I took her for dinner right when she managed to finish those massive tasks. I knew she ate a lot but that time she ate so much until the shop owner worried that I may not be able to pay for what she ate. I wanted to laugh that time, looking at her eating like this gangster we used to watch on movie, but I was too afraid that she would swallow me alive if I did. She was really grumpy at that time.

  She fell asleep right when she was done with her feast. The shop owner gave me ten percent discount after feeling sorry for me. It was already midnight and because I had no more cash left to call for a cab, I needed to carry her on my back. It was normal for a person to sleep like a statue whenever they were dead tired. But the thing with her was that instead of being a warrior statue, she slept like she was a warrior in a battle.

  Even after we arrived at my place and I placed her soundly on my bed, she rolled down next to me and performed her battle act. She ended up having one of her legs on my stomach while another on my feet. Her hand rested on my face, every ten minutes tried to find a new comfortable spot. There was a soft snore which quiet surprising coming from a person who slept like a troll. She was also drooling that time and I wished I could move my body to take a picture of her that time, because really,

  “She was breathtaking.”

…

  His wife came before we managed to bring out another topic. He gave me smile, the best present that I needed at the moment. They both walked to meet inside. Before he reached the door, he turned to me and asked me his last question,

  “Your breathtaking girl, what is her name?”

  “Su Ji. Bae Su Ji.”

…

  Su Ji came when the silence felt like an eternal symphony. The first thing that filled the emptiness was the sound of her footsteps. I couldn’t help but to feel proud for recognizing it. She was at the end of the hallway when I turned my head to her. She was like this tiny spot from the horizon yet I knew, it was Su Ji. It was definitely, Bae Su Ji, the girl I had been waiting for.

  When she slowly came closer, with her weak steps and hands on the wall searching for support. She finally became a clear object in my eyes. She looked like someone that had not slept for days for the sake of finding me. But then Su Ji.., Su Ji turned to be everything I described. She was so beautiful even under the dim light and tears on face. She was so breathtaking even with brushes on knees.., brushes on knees? Ah, of course, careless Bae Su Ji who often fell every time she felt anxious.

  Finally, she was here.

  Su Ji fell before she could even reach closer. Her body was shaking lethally for it to be visible even from the distance. A woman in white dress which had just come rushed her steps to help her but Su Ji signaled her not to. She stood up and once again tried to walk closer, she managed to do it even though she couldn’t walked straightly. That moment, I could do nothing but to watch her.

  We went inside. It took some time to walk but she finally here, right beside me. I wondered did she miss me as much as I missed her. Of course she did. She was by my side but she couldn’t bring herself to face me properly yet. It was okay for me. I never wanted to push her for anything.

  After biting her lips and pressed a scream, she finally made up her mind to face me. She lifted her shaking hands, slowly reaching for the white cover that became the only thing that stood between us at the moment. Slowly it revealed my face, it had become so pale but I was still confident with my look. She stopped until the cover reached my chest, I wasn’t wearing the pink shirt anymore, it was kinda disappointing, considering the fact I wore it for her to see that time.

  She cried, harder than I had ever heard before. I didn’t even know the right word to describe it, it was perhaps, heartbreaking? Myungsoo… Myungsoo… Myungsoo.. She called for me again and again. If only I could answer her.

  The woman in white dress in the end could do nothing but to do her job. She handed Su Ji the box she had been carrying, in it was my belonging, she said. Su Ji fell to the floor near me, still crying she opened the box, I sat by her side to look at it too.

  First, there was my phone. It was badly crushed, but I wished the memory card wasn’t damaged; I had so many pictures with Su Ji there.

  The next thing she brought out was my clothes. Ah! My pink shirt! There were marks of blood and holes here and there but at least in the end, it wasn’t a wasted effort because she finally knew. Then there were my jeans. Don’t forget to check the pocket, Su Ji! I kept my letter there. The letter that I had been prepared month ago, on it was written everything I wanted to say and my confession to her.

  Then, so I guessed, that was it.

  To be frank, I wasn’t expecting a magical encounter in the first place. I was aware that it was over for me when I had my body sent here. On second thought, maybe the first reason for me to choose on waiting outside was maybe because I didn’t want to see my body here, because it was a legit proof that I was out. Well, who knew going outside gave more perks then to dwell inside. But really, I wasn’t asking for miracle, I just wanted to wait for her a little bit longer, just like what I always did all these years.

  Looking at her right now, I realized I had no regrets left. My childhood friend Su Ji who often cried when no one was around grew up to be a though beautiful young lady. She was still halfway towards her dream but she had found her path. Of course, there was still my confession that I should have said to her, but she had my letter with her now so I felt that my feeling had reached her and after she read that she would never cry thinking it was unrequited love all along anymore.

  Having no regrets didn’t mean I didn’t have wishes left. Of course, I wished I could wipe her tears now, saying it would be alright and told her I would always by her side. I wished I could apologize for not being able to do many things we had not do together. I wished, we could spend a little bit of time after we knew each other feeling. I wished.., I had the chance to call her mine and for her to brag to everyone that I was hers.

  But despite all of this, I know I am happy. And I believe in Su Ji. Everything will be okay and she will be happy. I may get jealous when she finds another person, but I believe I will send them my blessing. I don’t think anything as a waste, because even only waiting for her is happiness to me. In the first place, this feeling is a feeling that doesn’t demand for anything in return. And today, to see her here, coming to me with love in every drop of her tears, I am grateful.

  I am really am…, grateful.

  “Su Ji, do you know Chronos?”

  “Who? Chronos? No. What’s with him?”

  “I think he envies us.”

  “Why do you think so, Myungsoo?”

  “Because he doesn’t want to give us one thing we need the most.”

  “And what is that?”

  “Time.”

An accident which involves 5 cars happens on the highway Block 19. Two cars flip and block the street which causes a motorcycle driver to twist his direction to avoid crashing with the people who are still inside the cars. The motorcycle driver, Kim Myungsoo (22), lost his life in the accident.

Is there any one from readers that live in Japan or know about Japan lifestyle? If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to ask some question.

Thank you for readers and I wish I could hear more from you (: