A Penchant For Imperfection

(A/N: Joon-hyung is MBLAQ’s Lee Joon)

It isn’t as if Jaehyo hadn’t seen it coming.

Hyung had always said to him, “I am not the one meant for you.” But he had said it during the times when they fought or when he was just going through a bad phase and Jaehyo – Jaehyo had always shrugged it off.

So even if it was something Jaehyo had always expected somewhere at the back of his head, it still made him go numb when Joon-hyung actually walked out. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Because Joon-hyung had never moved in with him even though they had been in a relationship for five years. And he never even made it “clear” that he was breaking up.

He simply stopped responding to Jaehyo and cut off all contact one warm Thursday afternoon.

Joon-hyung was an artist and he had these ‘creative outbursts’ when he would work non-stop on a piece and you couldn’t reach him unless you broke down his front door and forced your way inside his studio apartment.

But Jaehyo knew from the first moment of it that this time, it wasn’t like that. Because Jaehyo knew Joon-hyung well – better than anyone else knew Joon-hyung. And so he could tell.

It had happened once before – a “break up” like this.

Jaehyo had been a complete mess then and B-Bomb and Taeil had to haul him back home from the bar and a lot of other less savoury places every other day. And when Jaehyo couldn’t take it anymore, he had slashed up his left wrist and ended up back at his parents’ home for six months.

He goes cold as he remembers that time.

Numb.

Absolutely numb.

“Are you okay?” B-Bomb calls him after he has missed work for two days in a row.

Jaehyo assures him everything is fine. But he must have not sounded very convincing because B-Bomb says that he will drop by after work.

Jaehyo locks up his apartment and goes out as soon as B-Bomb ends the call. He leaves his phone behind in the house.

He tries not to. He goes to the theatre. He wanders about a shopping complex. He visits the museum. He tries very hard not to end up at the bar again but he does and the next thing he knows, he is curled up on the pavement beside a smelly pool of his own vomit.

B-Bomb has let himself in with a duplicate key and looks extremely disappointed when Jaehyo staggers in later that afternoon, trying to put out a half-smoked cigarette.

Jaehyo feels a dull stab at his insides but it isn’t anything he can’t handle. Because he has decided to go numb. He has decided to stop feeling things. Everything.

“You are not doing this again,” B-Bomb says to him after Jaehyo has eaten the ramyun he has cooked for him. “This is not happening again.”

“Go away,” Jaehyo’s voice is emotionless and cold. “Please go away.”

He is not sure if he expects B-Bomb to leave but B-Bomb does leave then and Jaehyo knows that he is not coming back, either.

It hurts him no matter how he tries to blunt the pain.

Maybe he hadn’t expected B-Bomb to leave after all.

The world hurts too much.

Jaehyo can’t bring himself to face the world anymore.

First it is one day. Then it is two days. And soon a whole week and then two months have passed and Jaehyo hasn’t stepped outside except to buy milk, ramyun and a few toiletries. He supposes that he cannot go back to working his multiple part-time jobs but he has money that will see him through six months and right now, he needs the world to go away. That is what you save up money for, right?

Taeil hasn’t talked to him after he returned from his parents’ home and Jaehyo doesn’t blame him. Taeil had lost his parents to double suicide and it is easier for Jaehyo to slash his wrists than for Taeil to watch him do it – again.

But Jaehyo doesn’t do it again.

He remembers how it was so painful and stinging and burning and even though it had felt like something inevitable at that time, Jaehyo doesn’t even want to do it right now. Jaehyo doesn’t want to do anything, in fact. He wants to sleep through his days and feel nothing whatsoever. It sounds like a very reasonable strategy to get through things.

That is Jaehyo’s side of the story.

As for Zico – well, everyone does warn Zico against it.

Zico and Jaehyo aren’t exactly friends – they have friends in common but neither had ever found the other interesting enough to interact with beyond a ‘hey’. Zico thinks of Jaehyo as a useless pretty face. Jaehyo doesn’t think of Zico at all – he hasn’t thought much of anyone except Joon-hyung in a long while.

Even so, they had hooked up a few times during the time when Jaehyo thought Joon-hyung wasn’t coming back. Jaehyo had been in ‘I’m going to recover from this break-up’ mood. And even if he seemed very much like an airhead to Zico, at least Zico knew that Jaehyo won’t attach himself to him emotionally because his emotions were still fixated on his ex. The had turned out to be pretty good. But then Joon-hyung had come back. And that was the end of their little affair.

Zico knows about Jaehyo’s deal with Joon-hyung – how completely messed up their relationship is, how Jaehyo had almost killed himself over him, how they had gotten back together even if it was the worst thing they could do to each other.

But this time, no one really knows that Jaehyo has broken up with him. Again. For good.

Someone mentions not seeing Jaehyo in a long time and B-Bomb brushes it off and that catches Zico’s interest a little.

“What?” The sullenness in B-Bomb’s voice is unmistakable.

“Something happen to Jaehyo-hyung?” Zico persists.

“Nothing. He just hangs out with a different crowd and stuff.”

Zico stares hard at B-Bomb, a strange glint in his eyes. “No, you are lying – why?”

B-Bomb looks away. “They broke up – Joon-hyung and Jaehyo. And –”

“And?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Guilt. Shame. B-Bomb regularly checks Jaehyo’s Instagram account – Jaehyo only ever had one hobby, photography, and he still regularly uploads pictures there although they now only consist of objects around his house. That is the only reason B-Bomb knows that he is alive. He lives in the constant fear of not finding a new picture every third day.

Zico doesn’t interrogate B-Bomb about it further. But he does scroll through his contacts list and realises that he still has Jaehyo’s number. So, why not?

Jaehyo does not pick up the phone and Zico has a moment of doubt when he wonders if the dude has offed himself or something. But he suspects that B-Bomb must have some way of knowing that Jaehyo-hyung is alive because B-Bomb couldn’t leave Jaehyo alone if he tried. Zico suspected that the dancer had a little crush on Jaehyo himself at one time.

But then the next day Jaehyo calls him back.

“Hey, it’s me – Jiho.”

“I know. I have your number.”

There is a pause. Zico doesn’t know how to put it without sounding like a complete douche bag but then his intentions are nothing more than that of a complete douche bag either. Oh well, he might as well get straight to the point.

“Do you want to go out this Saturday?” As soon as the words are out of Zico’s mouth, he realises that he doesn’t want to give so much of an opening to Jaehyo-hyung. “I mean, I’d really like it – if you came out with me this Saturday.” There. That sounds much more about how Zico wants it.

“Okay.”

Zico’s eyebrows shoot up. He wasn’t counting on such a rapid consent.

“Good. Do I pick you up? Or...”

“Pick me up,” Jaehyo cuts him off.

Well, someone sure is eager.

“Okay. See you on Saturday, then.”

Zico is a little puzzled because he has heard the stories many times – about how Joon-hyung is the worst thing that has happened to Jaehyo. About how Jaehyo is in love with him to the point of obsession, about how it is all going to end much worse than it did the first time.

“Hey,” Jaehyo greets him when Zico shows up on Saturday. He is wearing a yellow t-shirt and jeans shorts and Zico wants to point out all the things that are wrong with his attire but damn, he looks so good. Zico had almost forgotten how good he looked – in fact, what he had forgotten was how Jaehyo’s good looks made him feel.

“I didn’t know where we were going,” Jaehyo says, “so I didn’t change. Where are we going?”

He watches Zico take off his shoes and steps back as the blonde moves into the house.

“We can stay here.”

Jaehyo looks at him. Zico takes off his coat and hangs it up before putting his arm around Jaehyo’s waist.

“Can’t we?” he asks when Jaehyo makes no response.

“I don’t know,” Jaehyo replies, and he is stiff in Zico’s arms, not falling all over Zico, as Zico remembers him from their last time together. “I don’t know if that sort of thing is possible.”

He doesn’t look too good, Zico realises, now that he is looking at him closely. His skin isn’t just white – it has an unhealthy pallor to it. His eyes are a little sunken and he isn’t wearing any of that eyeliner he usually does (though it is a good point in Zico’s opinion, it is something Jaehyo does that makes him Jaehyo, so Zico isn’t sure if it is an entirely good thing). And he feels a little thin in Zico’s arms.

“Have you had anything to eat?” Zico asks.

“I – no,” Jaehyo replies. His voice sounds lifeless, too. Zico knew Jaehyo wouldn’t be in his best shape but since he isn’t melancholy and had agreed so readily when Zico had asked him out – Zico wasn’t expecting to find so many signs of his heartbreak.

“Let us go out and eat then,” Zico squeezes his waist once. “Jung’s?”

Jaehyo nods once and goes inside to change.

Zico wanders over to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water.

Okay, so he was just looking for an easy lay and he knows how horrible post-break-up sad cases can get but with his experience with Jaehyo last time, he had figured things would be different with the ulzzang and damn it, the boy was pretty and really threw himself into in a way none of his partners ever had. And –

Wow, there really is nothing in the fridge except milk and a box of chocolates.

Zico opens the food cupboard to find it half-full of instant ramyun packets.

Okay. This is bad. He is getting himself involved in something bad. He should turn and run away like right now.

“I am done,” Jaehyo calls out from the living room and Zico hurries back.

“I was getting some water,” he says unnecessarily, since he has the glass in his hand.

Jaehyo nods. He has changed into a pair of grey slacks and black shirt.

This isn’t the guy I was looking for, Zico admits. He is not the one I came looking for. Damn it. Why do I do stupid things like this?

Zico takes him out, anyway.

They come across B-Bomb at Jung’s and Zico is now sure that his bad luck is on a roll. B-Bomb says nothing to the pair and Jaehyo just stares down into his plate, saying nothing on his part, trying too hard to pretend that B-Bomb isn’t seated with U-Kwon and P.O. two seats down from them. And B-Bomb gives Zico this look – a judging, admonishing look. And Zico almost groans at the thought of the lecture that will follow the next day.

“Hit the bars?” Jaehyo asks, more out of courtesy than for opinion, because he is already walking in a direction opposite to that of his house.

Zico catches hold of his wrist and stops him.

“No,” he replies, “let us go back to your place.”
 

And Jaehyo doesn’t quite meet his eyes as he chews the inside of his cheek before mumbling out “I don’t know.”

Zico sighs heavily and lets go of his hand.

“I am not talking about , okay?” he says bluntly. “Let us just go back to your place and hang out.”

If it were anyone else but Jaehyo, the look of relief that settles on Jaehyo’s face would have really offended Zico. But right now, he is simply glad that the older man has agreed to stay away from the alcohol and engage in more innocuous pastimes.

They watch TV for a while. Jaehyo changes back into his horrible yellow shirt and shorts and settles down at the other end of the couch – which isn’t very far from Zico but for the latter, it is like a chasm separating them.

Zico stretches himself out on the couch and rests his head on Jaehyo’s lap.

Jaehyo doesn’t seem too thrilled about the contact but brings up a hand to rest lightly on his arm nonetheless.

He wakes up on Jaehyo’s couch the next morning and Jaehyo is toasting bread and cooking eggs so he