Hyunseung sat perfectly poised at the conference table. His legs were crossed and hands folded neatly together over his knee. Someone was talking, he could hear the faint drawl reach his ears, but his mind was somewhere else. It wasn’t that he was thinking of something in particular. Various thoughts floated through his mind—the time for his next schedule, what he would wear tomorrow, verses to add and take away from a song he was working on—it all culminated in a whir until he was left staring blankly ahead. His mind was only brought back to the present by the slight hand movement of the person in front of him. His eyes snapped back into focus and he watched Junhyung flick his eyes toward him. It was subtle but he could read the laughter being held back. He bit back a smile creeping along his face realizing it was useless to try and hide it. His eyes drifted down to the table but he glanced up briefly only to catch a glimpse of Junhyung’s knowing look.

It amazed him that even ten years later Junhyung could still make him react in such a way. Hyunseung knew it didn’t mean anything. It was just admiration for who Junhyung was; who he had become years after Beast had officially disbanded. He had always admired his perseverance, feeling a kinship at their similar histories of rejection and eventual success. Maybe that’s why they got along so well now. They were similar in disposition.

People started moving before Hyunseung had a chance to do anything. The meeting appeared to be over and he once again had spaced off. He stood looking after various stylists, concept designers, and manager, and realized he should have paid attention more considering it was his solo comeback meeting.

Junhyung met him on his way out the door, walking beside him as they made their way back to the studio. “You’re lucky I listen. It's your career we’re talking about you know.”

He rolled his eyes at Junhyung’s comment, pushing past the studio door, and curled himself up in one of the chairs by the soundboard. “But why would I listen when I have you as a lackey to tell me all about it?” He grinned wide and sugary sweet at Junhyung and didn’t try to fight back the laughter at the sour look shot his way.

“Lackey? Just for that I should give you all the songs with the worst English in them.”

“How about I just sing all the raps you wrote back for Beast?” He dodged a pencil tossed toward him and stood to make his way to the recording booth. He noticed as they had both aged and worked together their previous awkwardness had melted away. He wasn’t sure if they’d both matured or the extra time together accounted for it. He pulled on the headphones and heard Junhyung’s voice—it was sarcastic but held no bite.

“Do I need to mention the time you wanted to give your “beautiful younger sister” away for four gold stars?”

Hyunseung gave him a withering glare. He’d gotten a lot better at his English since then. “Just play the song.”

Junhyung gave him a smug smile before he the sound mix. Hyunseung sang like he always did, with all the passion and training he developed throughout the years. Despite his wandering mind, social awkwardness he'd never quite gotten over, and the ever recurring insults of second-hand idol, he was made to sing.

Suddenly the sound cut off and he opened his eyes not realizing he had closed them. He was met with Junhyung’s steady gaze. His pulse sped up considerably because Junhyung was looking at him funny. It was the gaze he often questioned. Hyunseung had always been good at reading Junhyung, their dispositions being similar allowed him to recognize what Junhyung was thinking or feeling at the time (and vice versa). However, there were moments that had him wondering. These moments drove him the craziest.

“What? Did I sing a part wrong?” Hyunseung looked through the glass skeptically.

“No…it was perfect.” Junhyung glanced down and started to fiddle with the soundboard controls. Hyunseung walked out of the recording booth and sat beside him, swiveling the chair in a circle before coming to a stop to face him.

“Could you be anymore cryptic?” He waited for Junhyung to reply back with some remark but one never came. They fell into silence. He was used to this. They both fell into random bouts of silence together, it wasn’t awkward, the only time it had ever felt awkward was on stage in front of fans when he tried to do everything but hold his hand or hug him.

He eventually gave up trying to figure Junhyung out, over sixteen years, and Junhyung was still the closest and farthest person from him.

“Hyunseung?” He had been fiddling with his phone but quickly set it aside at the soft, almost tentative sound of his name. He glanced over to see Junhyung with a consternated look on his face.

“Junnie, what the heck is going on? You’re being so weird lately. Not just today but recently…you act normal and then get into these contemplative moods. Not that I mind…because you know how I am…but it’s only when you hang with me…” Everything he had been worrying over for the past few months finally spilled over. Normally he would let Junhyung sort out his problems by himself, always being that comforting presence in the silence, but he realized that he was the reason for the problem and he didn’t know why. Had he said something wrong? He was sure he’d been the same as he always was…more so now that he wasn’t in a relationship.

“Do you like me Seung?”

Hyunseung momentarily froze in shock. His muscles tensed and he knew his eyes must have been wide. “I…what? I mean…of course I like you Junnie. We’re best friends.”

Junhyung shook his head his gaze becoming intense. “No, I mean do you have feelings for me, romantic feelings?”

“I…um…” He was left speechless by this sudden conversation. Not once had they ever had a talk about this. He’d come close to mentioning something but had never had the guts to. And here Junhyung sat, completely poised and calm—always the braver, the more confident of the two—blurting it out like it was nothing.

“Junsung mentioned something to me earlier…”

He narrowed his eyes in confusion. He'd always been on good terms with Junhyung’s brother so he had no idea what could spark him to say anything bad about him.

“It was a day after we had finished one of your songs and he came over to see me. He asked about work and stuff and eventually the conversation went to who I was dating…of course you know I’m not dating anyone…and then it went to you. I told him you had broken up with your girlfriend and he asked me if you were gay…I didn’t know what to tell him, you know? I mean I’ve seen you date plenty of girls but he said something to me…”

Hyunseung felt a sudden chill run down his spine. This all felt wrong. He had imagined this conversation many times. He thought of good scenarios and bad ones but this one sudden made his stomach clench tightly.

“What did he say…?”

“He said you like me.”

“And what would make him think that?” He was fidgeting. He couldn’t keep his fingers still. Junhyung knew that was a sign of his nervousness and he hated how close they were because he knew Junhyung would notice.

“The way you never touch me when we’re together…he said it’s like you’re fighting to control your every movement…that you look like you’ll explode or combust…or whatever…I think he’s crazy. I mean, my brother doesn’t always give the soundest of advice, but I did start to pay attention. He’s right. I guess I never noticed before. I always figured it as me being an overly skinship type of person compared to you, but you don’t even let our shoulders accidentally touch when we walk side by side. When did this start Seung? I mean in Beast we at least hugged and stuff. You don’t like me like that, I’m sure, so what is it then?”

He stopped all his movement to take in Junhyung’s words. His brain processed it all but he tried to reject it. It felt like Junhyung was side stepping the obvious fact that Hyunseung liked him or he just didn’t get it. Either way the conversation was started so he might as well finish it.

He inhaled and spoke in his quiet reserved way, voice cracking embarrassingly along the way, “It’s always been like this…there hasn’t been a moment where I haven’t analyzed how close we were. T-Those times in the closet for truth or dare…they were all the feelings I never told you…I was scared. I didn’t want to lose Beast because of the way I felt…I didn’t want to lose you most of all though…”

He’d experienced rejection before, it was nothing new to him, but before he could always work harder, give more, earn his place—this time it was different. All his cards were on the table and there was no going back. It was russian roulette and he was giving Junhyung the fully loaded gun.

“Hyunseung…why didn’t you say anything? Why wait until now?” Junhyung’s eyebrows were knitted together in confusion, his hands fidgeting with the a random cord on the sound booth, mouth pursed.

He couldn’t answer him. He didn’t know why he was saying anything now. It had been ten plus years with no word or acknowledgement that he had even felt this way but Junhyung had to have felt something—right? Hyunseung didn’t just make up all their furtive glances, tense arms whenever they stood next to each other, or the several times they had kissed during drunken bouts of truth or dare between the members. Yes, all of it had been painfully awkward but his stomach had been doing somersaults every time.

Even their first kiss had resulted in a bump of heads and a cut lip but he attributed that to too much alcohol and a dark closet. Junhyung had kissed him back though. He didn’t make that up. They had stood in the dark for a good five minutes, finding the silence just bearable. Junhyung had initiated it—he was always the bolder of the two, more socially suave. His breath had reeked of liquor and his fingers had found his waist in a tentative hold. Hyunseung had been staring wide eyed, trying to catch any light to see him, he didn’t need to though—not when he was pressed up against the closet door and he could picture in his mind’s eye just what Junhyung’s lips looked like. His heart was beating too fast and his limbs felt jittery. They still hadn’t spoken yet, he had realized. Not one word had been said. He could hear the other member’s raucous laughter on the other side of the door, probably long forgotten about the two who remained silent in the dark.

“No! Dongwoon the dance is like this!” Yoseob’s voice carried throughout the dorm and he heard the beginnings of T-ara’s Bo Peep begin. He had felt Junhyung move then and in a moment of reckless bravery (or fear) he had surged his head upward in anticipation for the kiss. He had probably been too enthusiastic because the next thing he knew his head had knocked unceremoniously against Junhyung’s and their mouths crashed together in a painful way. His mouth had fallen open in an attempt to voice his pain but Junhyung had kept his closed and he tried to save the situation by snapping his mouth shut (this resulted in Junhyung’s fat lip and Hyunseung’s mortification). And then they were kissing. It was shy and clumsy and Hyunseung wasn’t sure what to do because Junhyung was his first. Junhyung’s mouth tasted sour from the liquor and he couldn’t help it when he pulled away, his nose wrinkling in slight disgust. “You need to brush your mouth.”

Junhyung had laughed at that, resulting in Hyunseung doing the same, and their lips met once more in the darkness, this time softer and bolder. When they finally pulled themselves from the closet, lips swollen and red, hair and clothes back in place, and hands perfectly to themselves, the members were having a girl group dance competition. No one had noticed their absence. And failed attempts at pulling both of them into the game went unnoticed as well. If they sat closer together that night, stealing silent glances and small smiles, the members didn’t say anything—of course at 3am with vanilla schnapps coursing through their systems they had a hard enough time successfully swiveling their hips to Kara’s Mister.

The kisses after that had been for truth or dare too; but then they had done more, tongue was added, wandering hands—under shirts, across chests, over the more pronounced bulges—progressing until they were all but grinding against one another in an attempt to get under the other’s skin. All of it under the influence of alcohol and each time the running joke between them was of Junhyung’s foul breath, it was almost like their ice breaker, pulling laughter from them and causing them to dive back in with more ferocity and less nerves.

It had all stopped of course. After Junhyung had a slew of relationships, beginning with Hara and never ending with various pretty girls. Hyunseung had pulled away in an attempt to regain himself and save the hurt feelings that could threaten them as a group. It helped that they had never been overly touchy in public, he didn’t have to try and fake skinship or pander to fans for a “ship”.

His father died and he realized that maybe he needed Junhyung. Things returned to how they were before, except there were no more drunken nights and closeted kisses. He stopped the liquor parties with the members and retreated farther into himself than normal. Junhyung broke up with Hara and Hyunseung started dating Hyuna. He had initially skirted around Hyuna’s attempts to be with him. Maybe he had been petty to date her after her remarks about wanting to see Junhyung but he did eventually develop a fondness for her. Junhyung never said a word about their relationship. He had acted the same as he always did and it burned to see him start to date a slew of trainees in the span of Hyuna and his own two year relationship. He couldn’t begrudge him though, not when he was taken.

His relationship with Hyuna had burned out around the time Beast had. Hyunseung couldn’t remember what the start of Beast’s slow drift apart was. It could have been when everyone attempted activities separately, or when Kikwang got engaged, or the realization that they couldn’t always be together. It had been years since though and Kikwang, Doojoon, and Dongwoon were already married and had kids. Yoseob was close (preparing a wedding with his bride-to-be).

Hyunseung hadn’t dated anyone in a year. His last relationship had ended poorly; he had been too busy with his solo work and dance classes with the new batch of trainees. She’d been jealous he spent most of his time at work but what could he tell her? That he loved work more than her? That he kinda-might-sorta be in love with his ex-bandmate too?

He blinked pulling himself back out of his wandering mind. Junhyung was waiting quietly for him though—like always.

“I was fine with never telling you anything! But…you had to be perceptive for once and ask questions. Look…I…I love…you.” His voice does crack at the end and even though he’s sweaty and clammy he doesn’t stop. He has gone too far in this to stop what had been building up for years. “And not in a platonic way. I love you in the nervous, butterflies in stomach, and heart in throat way. Like all those sappy, cringe-worthy raps you still write.”

He flinched involuntarily at a sudden movement and before he could do anything other than squeak in surprise he was being pulled into Junhyung’s lap. To say he was shocked was an understatement. He hadn’t even hugged him in almost a year so the sudden feeling of Junhyung’s arms enveloping him had him cautious but too caught up in it to care.

He s his arms around Junhyung’s shoulders when he felt it was safe enough, having come to the conclusion that he wasn’t letting him go anytime soon. He felt more than heard the murmured words against his head. “Do you know how much of an idiot we’ve both been?” He made a huff of protest which was affectively cut off as Junhyung cupped his cheek. It was too much all at once. He was definitely reading too much into Junhyung’s gaze because it was saying he was about to kiss him.

And he’d always been good at reading him because Junhyung leaned in (and Hyunseung had learned from the last time to move slowly). This time when their lips met it was surer, less clumsy, easier, but still completely awkward. He vaguely wondered if it would always be this way. Junhyung squeezed at his side, sensing his sudden drifting mind, and he was brought back to the present which had him suddenly too giddy to function. He sat perched on Junhyung’s lap, arms wrapped around his neck, and lips squarely planted against the other’s.

Bang, bang, bang went his heart as he mumbled out, “Your mouth tastes gross, do you ever brush your teeth?”