C R A C K    I N    M Y    H E A R T

Busy re-editing the material for important presentation this afternoon, I slightly annoyed by the sudden buzz of my phone. I grab it harshly and sigh when read the caller id displayed on the screen. Silently so I don’t disturb the other employee in my department room, I rise up from my seat and walk out to the corridor before accept the call.

“Do you know why I call you? Do you remember what day is today?” The fast rumble from the other line drown my ‘Oh hi, Ma. How are you?’ greeting.

I bit my tongue so I don’t burst the sharp words to my mother. ‘There’s no way I forget the gathering tonight. Not if you send reminder message every day since a week ago, Ma.’

“Of course I know. I’ll never forget Grandma’s birthday,” instead I reply with made-up excitement, as if I can’t wait to attend the family gathering. My mother’s mother turns sixty-five this week and to show to the all family members that she is still sound and healthy –she barely success her heart bypass surgery last two months– she decides to invite her sisters, brothers, daughter, sons and grandchildren in a family gathering. I don’t mind meet Grandma, really no, she’s the nicest Grandma someone can get, I love her and I really miss her, the last time I see her was inside the white wall of hospital room. But it’s the other kin that make me feel unenthusiastic to go to the gathering.

“Good, so what time again you’ll arrive, honey?” I can sense a smile from Mama’s voice.

I inhale a long breath before giving the same answer I always send to reply her reminder. “My office hour is until four in the afternoon, I’ll immediately go to the station and have the forty-five minutes train trip and continue with one-hour trip bus. I think I can arrive before dinner start, but if I late, just start the dinner without me, I don’t mind.”

“Okay, see you there.”

“See you soon, Ma.”

After finish the conversation with my mother, I slip back to my desk and continue my work again. The meeting this afternoon is really important, since it will also attended by our client. I really hope the meeting will go well and end as early as possible, so I won’t be late to my family forum. Not that I don’t want to miss dinner, but it will be really troublesome if I do late. Though I already say that I don’t mind that they start the dinner without me, I know Grandma will be stubborn and wait till I arrive, because for her “no family should be left out.” Then the others will get annoyed and sulk because of their empty stomach, I can expect curt but sugar coated comments waiting for me.

“Jia, where are you? Still in the bus?”

I keep an eye on the fairly dark outside surrounding from bus’ windows before answering Mama’s call. “Yes, two intersection away, I think,” I bit my lower lip while giving an uncertain answer.

I never go to Grandma’s place alone, always with Mama. Usually from my flat I’ll detour to my mother’s house first, then we’ll leave together to the countryside with Ling, my younger sister, therefore I never really pay attention to the road. But this time Mama and Ling already go there in the morning while I still have to go to work first. Now I have to be alone in my way to Grandma’s house, but I think I vaguely remember which bus stop I have to get down.

“Is it also raining there?”

“Hu uh,” I nod at Mama’s question.

I hear Mama’s soft laugh before she continues. “Don’t worry, dear, we’ll send Zeyu to pick you from the bus stop.”

“Zeyu? Who?” I furrow my eyebrows while try to remember whether Mama ever mention such a name before. But if he is invited to Grandma’s party he must be family then, maybe one of our distant relatives.

“Zeyu is the grandson of your granny’s youngest step sister.”

“Err… Ma, repeat slower, please?” Though the only words I catch are grandson and granny, but Mama’s answer matches my guess, he is my kin.

“Gee, Jia,” Mama sighs, “Mama will draw the family tree for you later.”

“Uhm, okay. But, Ma, I don’t think you need to send this guy to pick me, it seems the rain will stop soon.”

“Ups, but he already departed.”

I only can sigh at Mama’s last reply before cut the phone connection.

“How is it?”

“Define ‘it’.”

Mama and I are in the kitchen warming the cured ham she brings from home, she is really good in making our province traditional cuisine, Hunan. Every now and then, I pass the rice bowl or the soup or the meats to Min, my older cousin, who arranges the plates in the dinner table next room. Thanks God the meeting this afternoon ends well so I’m not arrive in Grandma’s house late, that’s and because a certain someone pick me in the bus stop. I even have time to help get the dinner ready after hugging my Grandma, exchanging greets and having small talk with my aunts and uncles. According to the appropriate family manner, the one who have to do the work is the youngster. So there are Min and me, the other cousins are too young to help in the kitchen, while Mama helps because she is the youngest and the only daughter of Grandma.

“To have someone fetch you up.”

I stun at Mama’s answer and when I don’t give further response to her words, Mama continues. “You always go anywhere alone, right? Isn’t it nice to have someone to be dependent on, someone who can take you anywhere? You won’t suffer in the heat and the rain anymore, and Mama will not be afraid that you get home by yourself in the night.”

I roll my eyes and whine. “Ma, stop, I know what’s inside your head now. You are playing cupid on me and Zeyu, am I right?”

‘Clever girl,” Mama pats my bottom as she walk behind me to reach a plate and successfully makes me let a small surprised yelp escape my lips. “Isn’t Zeyu good-looking? He also has a good manner, real gentleman.”

Try to look subtle, from my eye tail I glance at the said man who busy entertains the elders in the living room. The aunts and uncles engage him in their conversation, and though I can’t catch their topic, the sound of their laughter heard through the kitchen. At the same time, almost all of my little cousins stick to him and try to coax him to join their game.

I sigh and mutter in my mind, ‘yeah, great. A perfect man that loved by the elder and adored by the kids.’ I have no courage to say it loud, not here when any family member can suddenly walk in and hear me.

Actually, a real gentleman is also my first impression of Zeyu.

I play the scene that happen a moment ago in my mind. As I come to my stop and off the bus, there’s only one vehicle parking around. Since it’s too fancy to be owned by one of the local resident here, I assume that is Zeyu’s. I approach that black sedan and greet the driver who has his window rolled down. “Chen Zeyu?”

The young man behind the steer turns his head and through the bluish dim inner car light I can see he has a pair of thick eyebrows, straight nose, high cheekbones and his face enhanced by well-define jaw. Then his thin lips part open to ask back, instead of to answer my question. “Meng Jia?”

After I nod, he smiles and leans aside to open the passenger door for me. “Come in, then.”

We are not really talk much along the car ride because it is only a less than ten minutes drive. But he had tell me that his family live in the other side of the country, that’s why they rarely have the opportunity to join the family gathering. He also tells me it is not the first time we meet –I raise my eyebrow to his words because I really don’t remember ever met him before–, the first and also the last time we met was in my Grandpa’s funeral twenty years ago.

Oh okay, mister, I clearly won’t have any memory of you because I only five at that time. I restrain myself to not scoff at him.

Once he parks the car at Grandma’s yard, much to my surprise he immediately climbs down, rushes to my side and holds open the door for me. Not every man does thing like that to woman, right? But maybe he does it because I’m his family –err, second-generation-cousin? I really need my mother to draw me the family tree to understand our fraternal relation. Perhaps for him it simply just polite gesture, so I blink out my surprise and quickly get out of his car. The second surprise attack is when he gently holds my hand and guides me across the wet ground until we reach the terrace. I mumble a thanks word to him, and really feel glad he does it because my heels repeatedly stuck in the soil, I almost definitely will be tumbled down if I walk by my own.

I rate ten out of ten for Zeyu as a gentleman.

The dinner starts well. The members of my big family are too many to be accommodated in a single table, so the kids have their own smaller table in the corner. Usually as the grandchild, Min and I also sit in the kid table, and somehow we become their caretaker to make sure they eat their vegetables, or as they re-phrase it the nasty green thing. But not tonight, I find myself squeezed between Min and Zeyu after one of my aunt drag us to this table. At first I don’t understand the reason. Is it because I already turn twenty-five at the beginning of this year? Am I finally categorized as adult in my aunts’ eyes? But then their motive becomes clearer as the conversation starts incline to me.

“How old are you again, Jia baby?”

“Twenty five, Aunty Fei,” I smile while answer my aunt’s question.

“Gee, you are already a fully-grown woman. When are you going to introduce your man to us? When will we get your wedding invitation?”

I almost choke on my rice at the unexpected question. I often hear from my girl friends that many times their family urging them to get married, but this is my first time. Maybe because this is also the first time we gather again after I pass the legal age.

Without waits for my response, Aunt Fei already talks again. “Sun already pregnant with her second baby, that’s why she can’t come. Min will be engaged next month. When are you going to follow their lead?” Aunt Fei mentions my two cousins whose age is the nearest to me.

“Ma, it’s because Jia chooses to concentrate in her work for now. She will get married in time she meets the right person,” Min scolds Aunt Fei, her mother.

I smile at Min and squeeze her hand to show my gratitude for her defense. Min smiles back at me.

But Aunt Fei doesn’t stop her insult. “Nah, nah. You are too busy in your work so you have no time to find your right man, Jia.”

“Ah, I agree with that, too busy with your work make you have no time to find your significant other. Do you hear that, Zeyu?” Suddenly Zeyu’s mother, Aunt Liu, butts in. “My Zeyu also too busy with his work and I afraid for him because he will turn thirty in the end of this year.”

“Oh, why don’t we unite them in a marriage? They don’t need to bother looking for partner anymore,” Aunt Fei keenly clasps her hand; eyes spark as if it is the most brilliant idea of the year.

“Uh, Aunty, thanks, but I think I can find my man by myself,” I try to defend my self, but it drowned by louder words voiced out by none other my own mother.

“Oh, actually I secretly have that thought earlier too,” Mama smiles regardless the glare I sent to her.

“Really? Believe it or not, in truth I already imagine having a pretty and competent daughter-in-law like Jia once she walks in the house side by side with my son earlier,” Aunt Liu squeals.

“Great, it should be carried out soon,” and in the end Grandma happily joins the scheme to make Zeyu and me an item.

I sigh as no one pays attention when I launch my protests afterwards. Mama, Grandma and aunties become too busy discussing the opportunity of having family as life partner. The uncles keep eating and ignore their wives, while occasionally gabble about a sport event they shared interest in. Beside me, Min only can shake her head and pats my back in empathy. I turn my head to my other side, and find Zeyu just sits in silent. I nudge his side and whisper to him, “hey, you can object if you don’t like it.” I try to recruit an ally to oppose those delusional mid-age women and old granny.

Zeyu glances at me before leans closer to whisper in my ear. “But I don’t dislike that idea.”

“Ma is sorry, you must be feel uncomfortable at dinner.”

I snuggle closer to her in bed, half because of the cold and the other reason is to make myself more comfortable in that small bed that occupied by me, Mama and Ling. The dinner has finishes hours ago, half of my aunts and uncles sleep in any unoccupied room in Grandma’s house and the rest spend the night in the nearest motels in promise to back to Grandma’s house for breakfast in the next morning.

Mama claims her childhood room for her and her daughters, so here we are cramped in one bed. But I don’t mind, because I like it, I like the warmth that offered by my family. Ling has fall asleep minutes ago when Mama starts the conversation between the two of us.

“But I am being serious here when I said I want you to get married.”

“Not now, Ma,” I groan. “But later, after I get better position in my job and also higher salary. Or maybe later after Ling finishes her school. For now I want to concentrate first in my job and Ling’s academic so she can have a good future.”

“Jia, Mama never charged your sister to you,” Mama reprimand me with a weak voice, because both of us know half of Ling’s tuition fees are paid by my earning. Mama’s income from her catering business barely enough for their daily needs, and that’s the reason why I work hard to provide my family necessities. Even if it means I have to work in a place that far from my house, which drive me to rent a cheap flat that closer to my office for more time efficiency.

“Do your Grandpa a bad man, Jia?”

I taken aback at the sudden change in topic, but I immediately shake my head.

“I know and understand the real reason why you never have a boyfriend or have no plan in getting married in near future. Jia, just because your Papa is a bad man, you can’t stamp the other men as bad too.”

I stiffen for a moment before tightened my embrace in Mama’s waist. This the first time words about my father slips out from her lips after years. I bury my nose in Mama’s neck side and breathe in her sweet scent, that’s the only thing that can calm me at the moment as my mind fly back to the memories of my father. Mama knows me so well that I’m afraid in having a relationship after what Papa did to us. Papa is not really the best father and the best husband in the world. He betrayed his family’s trust by having an affair with one of his co-worker. Start with little suspiciousness of another perfume scent in his work suite, to intimate message from unlisted number in his phone and the final blast was when that ungrateful woman came to our house, bearing the last stage of my father’s child.

In the end my father chose that woman.

What he didn’t know is Mama already in her early months of pregnant with Ling at the moment. I was still in middle school at the time, still young and couldn’t do anything besides hating him for leaving Mama and I. Since that I have a trust-issue on man.

“Jia, Min’s father is a caring man, Sun’s husband is a really warmhearted man, and my father, your Grandpa, is the greatest man. See, not all men are bad,” Mama’ words broke my train of memory as she my hair; she always does it when comforting her daughters.

“But there’s no guarantee that he is a nice man,” my stubborn reply muffled because I still burry my face in Mama’s neck.

“There’s no guarantee that he is bad too. Try him, Jia.” After a pregnant silent, “please consider our talk.”

That night I can’t sleep well, my mind too occupied by that talk between Mama and me. All this time I live my life in a way to not see a disappointment in Mama’s face. I study hard to have a great ranking so a smile will bloom in her lips, I choose a major in college that will lead me to a promising job. But I like my career path and I go to bed with contented mind that my mother and my sister live on easy street. I love how I can live independently and I don’t think we need a man in our life.

But if I don’t want to get married I will dash Mama’s hopes, and there’s no way I’ll let her down after what Papa did to her. So, for her sake, I’ll try to get close to Zeyu.

To ease my still lack of conviction heart, I keep in my mind that Aunt Liu and her husband are amiable person, and also my aunts and my uncles will always help me hunt Zeyu down if he ever acts disloyal to me.

The family gathering continues on Saturday and Sunday and throughout that two days I know more about Zeyu. From the type of music he has a taste for, to the genre of books he prefers. From the food he likes, to the leisure activity he would rather have. I find him as a nice man and end up have a lot of respect for him.

He is fun to talk to and even after we take leave to our own city we still maintain our communication, through trivial chat messenger in between working time and hours of phone call in the weekend. My nosy coworker states that I am in love, she takes note that smile never leaves my lips lately. For poking her nose in something that not her business, I dump more workload on her.

One day, my boss tells me that I get promoted and I become really happy and proud of my self for achieving that prestigious position considering my young age, I work really hard to earn it. Being so happy, I practically waltz in my way to Mama’s house that night, because tomorrow Zeyu and his parent will come to our house. I can’t wait to deliver that news to Mama and Zeyu, but I’ll hold it for the right time to tell them.

Zeyu is the one that broaches the subject about work in the lunch next day, and make me recall that I also have an announcement regarding my work. “Jia, you still remember that I’m working as an embassy officer, right?”

I nod while beside me Ling asking curiously. “What is embassy?”

Zeyu smiles at her before gives a short and clear explanation to my ten years sister about embassy. Then Zeyu continue, “Actually last week I have just promoted.”

“Oh, that’s good, Zeyu. What kind of promotion?” Mama smiles with a hint of proud at Zeyu, and it make me become more impatient to tell her about my own promotion, I’m so sure it will make her smile gets wider.

“I’ll be assigned to Singapore in next three months.”

“Oh, that’s so far,” mutters Mama.

“It may be too rushed, but…” Zeyu stops for taking a deep breath, “but I want to bring Jia there, and propose her to marry me before we go to Singapore.”

“But I also have just promoted,” out of control that words already off of my lips. “If… if I marry and go with you, h-how about my career?” The sudden proposal from Zeyu makes me kind of dizzy, however my mind not occupied by the marriage matter but rather to my career. I can’t quit my job now, not after I have just promoted, not after years of my hard work.

“Jia needs time to consider your proposal, Zeyu.” I heard Mama says that words, but somewhat it sounds so far in my ears.

“Yes, I understand, aunty,” Zeyu responds.

Mama sends me to my room right after, while she and Ling continue their lunch with Zeyu and his parents.

In my room, I throw my body to my bed and lay there lifelessly, thinking about the matter that has just occurred. What should I choose, my career or Zeyu?

If I decide to pursue my career, Mama will be really disappointed with me and I don’t know if Zeyu will propose me again after he backs to China years later, I don’t know if he has enough patient to wait for years. I also don’t know if Zeyu dump me, will I have courage and wish to be in a relationship with another man aside of Zeyu, I still not really trust men.

But if I choose Zeyu over my career, my hard work for years will be useless. If only Zeyu’s transfer is not happened in a few months, I can be ready to marry him after I’m contented with my career attainment and ready to quit. If only Zeyu is not an embassy officer or not planning to bring me to Singapore, I still can work after our marriage. But due to the fear of conflict of interest, the spouse of a diplomat is not allowed to work in the country he was assigned.

I sigh and grab my phone, I need someone to discuss this matter and Min is the only one in my mind at that moment. After exchanging a little greet, I tell her straight to the point that Zeyu has just propose me, also the matter that make me indecisive.

“Jia, what are you pursuing your career for? I know it makes you proud of yourself, it makes you feel pleased to be able to reach such a high position, but no one put the burden on your shoulders to achieve it, it’s for your own happiness. Marriage can also bring you happiness, you know, don’t be afraid of it. Zeyu is a nice man, he will treat you well.”

I try to take Min’s word into consideration. Should I choose my career for my own happiness? Or make Mama’s hope become real? But Min also says that marriage can be my happiness too. Suddenly my coworker comments about I always smile everyday come to my mind. That’s right, Zeyu may also be my happiness.

I know I don’t have to answer it right now, I can do it later, next week, next month or even at the night when Zeyu departs to Singapore, but I afraid that I will change my mind again later on. So I dash out from my room and back to the dining room where the others are enjoying their desserts, their chat stop as they spot me in the doorstep. I know my answer is too rush and not really come from my heart, I broke my own passion, crack my own dream, but that worth it when I see a smile blooms in my mother’s lips.

With my answer I try to entrust my happiness in Zeyu’s hand.

“Let’s get married.”

*end*

AN:

I don’t know if I able to portray Jia’s image as a young executive well, as a person who put career above everything.

I didn’t discourage the readers who want to pursue their career, career is important too. But sometimes family matter is more important.

[I think I become too rushed at the end of the story?]