May 14 10:37 AM.

I woke up from a night of struggled sleep—a night that consisted of getting rid of my recurring nightmare.

It's always the same thing haunting me over and over again; it would start with me in the center of my room gazing at the remnants of my past—My teddy bear that I cuddled passionately in my sleepless nights as a kid, the blanket my mother had always sheathed my with right down to my pencils and other art supplies. I know, it's more a picturesque view of a typical girl's room, but the eeriness comes in when my sketchpad shows itself. Slapped against the floor, it suddenly starts to burn, the papers slowly curling up and charring into ash. But it leaves one drawing—the one I drew just before I moved into our apartment; the one where Yoseob and I were sitting on a flowery swing holding hands and looking up to the sky that symbolized our hope for a bright future. I always tried to reach out for it, but before I could even touch it, it fades into ash along with my other drawings and as it does so, my dream world constrains me to shed only a tear out of my big eyed face looking dazed and confused. 

Every night, that is all that comes to mind: a movie so gruesome I detested even putting myself to sleep. That was what I hated about nightmares; they're never true.

Relieved that that night had ended, I got up from my bed for two although occupied by one. Looking at the spot where Yoseob had last slept on, a smile lifts itself up on my face. I know he hasn't come back in days but it's fine. That guy's at the top of the social ladder making friends here and there whereas I stay here in our apartment dreaming of that one day where he comes in to hug me so tightly. I feel euphoric just imagining it. That is what drives me to live day by day.

I approached the mirror and saw a girl. Admittedly malnourished with hair so dry that the dessert tumbleweed would bow down to her bushy head. Her skin is dry, and her eyes filled with dark circles from restlessness.

I shrugged it away. Appearances no longer matter when you've found your better half surely, I've found mine.

---

...But that was not the final verdict when I collapsed later that day. My body had given up from the fighting, or rather, the evading. It shut down altogether and caved into the nightmare I labeled as monstrosity.

The events were as usual, starting from me in my room right down to the burning sketchpad and crying. I always thought that was the end to it—but I had finally seen the continuation. 

I sat there like a living mourning sculpture until I heard footsteps coming closer and closer to me until I saw a pair of rusty Adidas high tops meet my eyes. I looked upward. It was Yoseob. A smile was plastered on his face. I reached out to hold his hand and embrace him, but I just passed through him like was... a ghost. 

I was at a loss for words.

Still having the same smiling expression, tears began to swim down his face. I've never seen him so sad. He gripped my shoulder tightly, his hands trembling.

"I'm sorry," he said breathily as his eyes glimmered at me with so much sorrow and... guilt. "Ha Yi, I just..."

That was when it hit me. He didn't need to say more. The past three months of my life had been into a vortex. I had been lying to myself all this time. He already left me long ago; I just couldn't muster up the courage to tell myself that it had long been over between us. I clung to his beauty and our past when he broke it the night he left me. All that time, I had been evading the rightful solution to my subconscious dilemma. All I needed to do was... dream.

Despite the heaviness I felt, I told myself something I should've told myself a year go: get up.

And I did.

Looking up at Yoseob, I smiled at him and said, "Our love was wrong. You loved too little; I loved too much. The only thing we had in common was that we were cowards."

He wiped his tears and agreed. "It's time to dispel our burdens and go our separate ways. Goodbye, Ha Yi."

With that, he faded out of my view. While he was doing so, my sketchpad had disappeared, leaving behind one page: a self-portrait of myself before all that happened. Back when I drew it I didn't think much of it but now, it meant so much more.

---

May 15 12:00 AM

I knew what to do the moment I woke up. I got up and packed all my belongings as quickly as I could. Once done, I gave one last look of the apartment and headed back home—back to the venue of my dream—my beloved room. I gazed around for a while. Nothing had been touched; everything had been where I left it including my sketchpad that contained what had become memories of the past. I was living in the now. I have set myself free for the better. No more crummy apartment, no more childish obsessions; it was all about development from then on.

As I dropped my bags against the floor, I took a hearty exhale and finally took solace in the place I called home.

Thank you for reading and I hope you guys enjoyed it~! :D