I sighed softly to myself, no one was around, and it was boring.   The boys had gone off on their tour, and this was one of the things I never got used to.  I told them not to worry about the mess that was still in their dorm and that I would clean it up.  It took me a day to clean up, along with having time to do Zelo’s laundry that he failed to do.   The dorm was too quiet for my taste, it was best full of life and the guys laughing and joking around with each other.  I had enough of it and left.  There was a few more days left in their tour and then they would be home hard at work once more.  My phone was really the only thing keeping my sanity at this point in time.  Youngjae would call from time to time to see how I was doing, I naturally would lie and say that I was fine and not to worry about me.  Sometimes I think he could read through them and continue to ask but he would still get the same answer. 

            As I walked, my phone started to ring. Taking it out of my pocket I looked at who would call me.  Youngjae flashed on the screen, and I answer it. “Yes Oppa,” I said, in a half sweet voice.

            “I just wanted to call and see how you were doing today,” he said softly.  I could hear a few of the guys saying hi, knowing full well who he was on the phone with.

            I couldn’t help but chuckle softly as their little fights broke out on who I loved more and Youngjae trying to tell them to shut up.  “I’m fine,” I managed to get out when they all quieted down so that Youngjae could hear me. Again, that was another lie all in itself.  After just leaving the place that I felt more at home, and having a feel of unwanted there now.

            “Are you sure?  You don’t sound fine,” he said.  He had caught me this time, and I knew there wasn’t any way to get myself out of it.

            “Kind of,” I said.  “Just wasn’t the best idea to go to the dorm and find nothing to do.  Everything is cleaned and put away.  I can’t find anything else to do, and I don’t want to stay there because I feel so out of place without you there.”  This was really the truth for the past few days that they were gone.  Me there was like a book on a shelf with movies.  I was out of place; I didn’t fit in when they weren’t there.

            “Aw,” his voice had a hint of worry on it. “We’ll be home in a few more days, and I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”  This sounded really good.  It was hard enough for him to go out in public without fan girls watching his every move.  However, it was harder yet to go out with me, his girlfriend.

            The thought was all that mattered to me, but I knew it would be hard for us to go out and really enjoy our time together.  “How about this,” I said “why don’t we do a movie night at my place.  I always feel like I’m intruding on your ground when I’m over at the dorms.  Plus this gives us some time to ourselves and the others won’t be around to pick on us.”  I knew this was a better plan, but I wasn’t sure how he would react.  Granted, he has been over to my apartment and there was nights were it got too late and he just stayed over.  Yet, I really didn’t want to shoot down his plans on going out and trying to have a one on one time outside of places that was safe for the both of us.

            “That sounds good,” he said.  I could pick up on the hint of sadness, so he really did want to go out and do something other than sitting in a safe place.

            “Oppa,” I said with a little hint of sadness. “Would you want to go out for dinner before watching movies?” I asked.  I hated seeing Youngjae sad, and it made it worse that I couldn’t be there to try and cheer him up.  Ok, granted he had Daehyun there, and he knows Youngjae better than me, but I was Youngjae’s girlfriend and I felt like I should be the one to cheer him up and not his best friend. 

            “That was what I planned on doing,” I could hear the sternness in his voice.  Whenever he wanted something he would be almost harsh about it.  What was so important that he had to take me out for dinner?  Normally he liked my cooking well enough or half the time we would have takeout.  However, this was something that was not normal for Youngjae.

            “Alright, I think of some place to go.  You take care and have fun.  I love you,” I said.  I knew he would pause at the last part.  He still had issues saying I love you around the guys.

            “I will, and…,” he paused, the pause that I knew would come. “I love you too,” he managed to say.  I could hear a few of the guys holding back a laugh.

            “He’s lying!” it was Daehyun that spoke up.  “He loves me more!” 

            I couldn’t help but laugh.  I knew the two of them were close, so I know it was something out of fun.  The sound of skin hitting skin ran through the phone and Youngjae’s hissing “Shut up” to Daehyun.  “He was kidding you know that right?” He asked.

            I collected myself back together and nodded, “Yes, I know.  He is your best friend and that’s what they do, they have to make your life hell sometimes.”

            I could almost hear the rolling of his eyes over the phone.  “To me, he always makes my life a living hell,” he told me.  I knew that wasn’t true, the two of them always had good times when they would go out. There have been a few fights that I had to step in and hear what was going on to clear it up. 

            “You’ll be fine.  You know I’m always here, and I’ll talk to you whenever you call.  I’ll see you in a few days.  Be safe,” I said again.  I couldn’t stress how much I worry about him when he dances.  I know Jongup teaches them their dance moves well, but I still fear that Youngjae might hurt himself like Himchan did a while ago.

            “I will,” he told me. “And I know.  I’ll call you after the show.  Go home and get some food and get some sleep ok.” 

            Once again I nodded over the phone, knowing full well that he wouldn’t see it.  “I’m on my way home right now.  I’ll try and stay awake to talk to you after the show,” I told him.  I knew there would be a small chance that I would fall asleep holding on to my phone for dear life waiting for him to call me.

            He laughed lightly, “if you don’t pick up I’ll leave you a message.”

Again, Daehyun’s voice rang forward, “He’s lying!  He’ll just cry and whine about how you didn’t answer and then want ice cream.”  I could hear every one laugh at what Daehyun said.  I couldn’t even help but fight back a few laughs.  Again, the sound of skin hitting skin was heard on my end of the phone, and the laughter became harder on the other end.  That told me that once again, Youngjae hit Daehyun.

“I’ll let you go so you can vent your anger out on him.  I love you and I’ll talk to you later,” I said softly.

“I love you too, I’ll call you after the show,” after his words there was a soft click and the line was dead. 

I pulled the phone away from my ear, and looked down at it.  The glow of the screen showing his name before fading and turning black, I sighed as I slipped the phone back into my pocket.  No matter how often he called, it seemed the sanity that he was trying to save me with he was taking it away.  I love him too much to just let this get in the way.  This was his path, and I was here to help in go through it.  The guys played a bigger part then I did, but I still help when I can.

On my way home, the small things drew my eyes to locations that meant something to the both of us.  A book store that we always shopped at, and coming to find out there were days that we were in there at the same time but in different parts of the store.  The coffee shop that we had our first date at and not being able to get away from the fan girls when they realized it was Youngjae and being swept up in the madness that followed.

As I reached the apartment building I looked at the stairs.  The thousand times that I’ve climbed up and down them I always wonder why I fell in love with Youngjae.  Sure, he’s a member of B.A.P, but that wasn’t it.  As I climbed the stairs I would always ask, why him? Why wasn’t it someone else?  Each time a good quality of his came up, and I would smile at myself.  This day was no different from the rest.  Every step came a good quality about him and I would smile and giggle softly in thinking about him.

When I reached the door, I pulled out my keys.  I stopped as I seen something taped to my door.  I pulled it off and unlocked my door and headed inside.  As I closed the door, I looked at the note that was in my hand.  I could tell it was from Youngjae by the hand writing.  I was puzzled.  He was away on tour, wasn’t he?  Would he lie about something like that just to see what I would do for him?

I opened the note to see more of his hand writing. It read ‘I know you’re thinking what is this doing here when you’re gone.  Yes, we are away and I had a good friend of mine do this for me.  The reason for this note is to make you think long and hard about what we are.  I know it’s hard for you to deal with having a boyfriend that is an idol, and I want to make it up when I get back.  So take tonight as a night of thinking what you want from us as a whole. I’ll talk to you tonight when I call. 

Love,

            Fluffy’

I could feel the heat of my tears in my eyes, yet I chuckled softly at his love, Fluffy line. No matter how hard I tried, I could never stop myself from calling him Fluffy.  At first he thought I was being mean to him on his fluffy cheeks, but when I told him that was what the fan girls called him, he didn’t mind me calling him that when it was just us two.  The dinner was starting to piece together, that was why he wanted it.  I walked over to the coach and sat down, reading the note again. 

After what seemed like the hundredth time, I set the letter aside.  I did want more out of this.  After dating him for a year, I felt like he was the one.  The guys would joke around with him asking when he was going to propose.  Yet, something told me that wasn’t it. I grabbed the letter and read it again.  I froze at the ‘hard for you to deal with having an idol as a boyfriend,’ was he going to break up with me? I told him that I was fine with him being an idol, and I was aware of the risk with the fan girls that I had to deal with.  So maybe that wasn’t it, but my heart started to race at the thought that maybe it was.  I reached for my phone and was about to call him when I froze. I thought he would be preforming right now.  So calling was out of the question.  I would have to keep my mind busy till he called after the show.

I looked around my small apartment.  Almost everything that was in there was a gift from him.  My little 20” t.v that I had moving in was gone.  He decided that I needed something bigger and bought me a 56” t.v.  On top of that he thought a girl like me needed to play video games with him, so a PS3, and xbox360 were both connected to it.  I was glad that he did get me into games, although most of the time I’m no use to him, only an easy target.  I sighed as I laid down on the couch, what was he planning on doing?  He wasn’t too far distant to call it off, but he can hide things well.

I must have dosed off, because I was woken up by my phone vibrating in my pants pocket.  I checked to see if it was someone that I had to pick up or could let it ring and go to voice mail.  Youngjae flashed on the screen, my eyes shot open and I answered with a sleepy hello.

“Silly,” he said. “You could have kept sleeping.  I would have left you a message.”  No, I thought, you’re not getting out of this.

“Youngjae, what was the letter about,” I couldn’t think of anything else, I wanted to jump right in.

I could hear him sigh over the phone, and my heart started to race again. “I should have worded it differently shouldn’t I?  I’m not breaking up with you if that was what you’re thinking.  I just want to know what you plan on doing for the next five to ten years.  I want to know if that included me or not, because you’re everything I think about now,” he stopped, and my heart still continued to race, was he going to..but it was cut off with him saying, “I’m not going to propose yet I still want to get to know you better.” I can truthfully say that was a dream wreaker for the evening.

“I see myself with you,” I told him.  “I know things are crazy with practice and touring.  I want you to be happy, but I also need you to not worry about me so much.”  I could hear him exhale loudly as if this was the answer that he was looking for.  “Why don’t you get to the hotel and sleep, you need it after your long day,” I told him.

“Your right, I’ll call you before we leave.  And remember, I love you,” he said in his all-knowing voice.

I answered back, “I love you too, and I can’t wait to see you.”