Why did you get me that interview? Did you want me gone that much, so much that you would give up an opportunity to go to that university? For me?

For once, it's hard to express how I feel. Usually, it's easy, when the words flow from somewhere hot in my heart, through my soul and into the air where the words shall be judged and ridiculed.

Ah, those melodious words. How I long for them.

I cried for you yesterday. A man shouldn't cry. Yet I did. But I'm sure I had a good reason, surely anyone would forgive me for bawling like a baby.

I never got to tell you that I loved you. 

When that thought suddenly occurred to me, it was the end. At the time, I was alone in my dorm, studying. It hit me like lightening, and my pain boomed like thunder.

I closed my eyes, and let it wash all over me, because at that moment, I thought I deserved pain. And oh, what an abnormal pain it was.

I fell off my chair, gasping and clutching at my heart. That's where it hurt the most. My heart. It hurt so much that I didn't notice that I had become blind with tears. Tears that rapidly filled up these grey eyes of mine. 

You loved my silver eyes. I'm afraid that without you, they've lost that shine they used to have. They've diminished to a simple, dismal, grey.

And as I silently shut my eyes in a desperate attempt to block out the pain that became too much, the tears spilled over. They were filling each and every crevice that was my damaged soul, and maybe temporarily filling it up with emotions. And maybe, just maybe, my tears that were shed for you were gradually making me whole again. 

Maybe.

In a sick, masochistic way, the pain was good. Because it meant I wasn't dead yet. 

But all good things come to an end. And at the finale of this terrible play of mine, the good pain stopped. And in came the kind of pain that everyone can't help but shiver away from. Be glad it wasn't them, and poor them, those that got them pain. Too bad they had to suffer and we don't. Too bad.

I don't blame them for thinking like that.

No matter how brave, how dauntless you may believe yourself to be, the agony that awaits you here. . .

It's downright horrifying.

I'm sorry to say, I was not at all as gallant as you believed me to be. I apologize for letting you down, but deep inside, we both knew that you were secretly the brave one out of our duo. I was so absorbed in the pain, that it became too much and I had to slam my head as hard as I could against the wall. All for the pain to subside.

And that was how my roommate found me two hours later. Rocking back and forth, hitting my bloody head against the red wall, with tears streaming down my face. Whispering your name.

It's also how I ended up in the hospital. Apparently, it's because of a bad fall in my dorm room that I was reduced to a state like this, but you and I know better. 

You and I know. 

I wish you could come visit me. But no one, not even your family knows where you are.  You disappeared when I left. You have to be safe. If something happened to you, my grey eyes would see no more. 

Do you remember what I called you? Krasivaya. It means beautiful, with strength. It's Russian. It was like the word was made for you, which of course isn't possible. But maybe, you could have been an ancient goddess, sent to bring me small moments of happiness and probe that people could change. 

It's completely impossible. But this way, I don't have to be so torn up about you being gone. This was, it's just what the gods want. 

I want to get out of here and try finding you. I know that I, of all people, could do it. We are North and South, on a magnet, undeniably attracted to each other.

But you would kill me for leaving such a great opportunity here. The only thing I want, however, isn't a job with world famous scholars, or an internship at the most successful companies with the most influential people of our time. 

I want you. Only you, which is a pity, because it's the one thing I know I can't have. Fate is cruel. It seems like Fate is being only cruel to us, but we have to remember. People are in worse situations than us. So terrible, that is you, using your power, made some fuss about it, people would weep. In gratitude, in sorrow, in pity. 

It's just hard to remember that when misery and despair are your only company and I can't help but long for you.

I long for you, that you may be by my side forever. 

I would really appreciate you subscribing to this story, upvoting it if possible, and encouraging me with your glorious comments. Your comments are the things that push me forward and catch me when I fall too hard and too fast.