February 25, 2013

 

The news came out like a bang, rumors spreading like fire. Everywhere, people are talking about me dating Changmin, but it's not true. Actually, I am Nichkhun's girlfriend, and obivously our relationship is secret. Since our WGM days, we have been dating. But fans - or should I say netizens - are scary, so for our protection, we didn't reveal our relationship. The only people who knew about this is my members and s. No one in our company know about. Whenever me and Nichkhun were out, our members would help us. I don't even want to think what would happen if our bosses will know about our relationship. I didn't want to think about that and now, I don't need to be worried anymore. 

 

The rumor started with a picture. Netizens really have a good eye-sight, even I didn't realized the reflection of Changmin. We were at a company dinner, and I just happened to sit in front of Changmin. It was just like any other family dinner, talking about our lives. That's it, we didn't have any romantic intentions or anything. We are a family, that's it. Did you think about something else? Coz you are not the only one. Some believed me while many chose not to, including Nichkhun. I can't believe that he didn't trust in me. I can't believe a stupid lie became the reason my love of my life left me, alone. Gone... Just like that....

 

*Flashback*

 

"What is going on?" Nichkhun's angry voice came through my phone. I had to recheck the number because this is not the voice I am used to. "What?" I asked, innocently. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn't want to talk about it. Its been almost two weeks since I talked to him. He is in Japan while I have some activities in China. I miss him, I haven't seen him for a while. We didn't have a date for a long while, with our busy schedules. All I wanted was to spend some sweet time with him, but by the tone of his voice, I knew I wouldn't get that. He should trust me, right? But I guess I was wrong. 

 

"Your scandal with Changmin, is it true? Are you cheating on me?" His voice said again, with disbelief. I was shocked at first, I really thought that I heard something wrong. "What?" I could only say that single word. I heard him sigh in frustration, and he said,"Why were you with him?" 

 

"It was a company dinner, I had to attend it. Why aren't you believing me?" I screamed at him. I was done with this topic, tried of it. "Do you even know how hard this is to me? This rumor?" After a few moments, he spoke up again. 

 

"You know, I am coming to South Korea tomorrow. We will meet and talk about this," with that said, he hung up. I felt my cheeks wet, I didn't even know when I started to tear up. Why wasn't he believing in me? Did our love just.....disappeared? Where did it go? 

 

~•~•~•~•~•~

 

He came the next day to my dorm, when I was trying to cook something for my members. I couldn't sleep at all, with the rumor and Nichkhun's call. I was scared, terrified if he came in front of me. Because I know that this isn't something that can pass along, and I was right. My members knew about this; they heard me scream last night. They knew what was happening when he showed up in front of our dorm. The girls asked how he was, and then allowed us to go to my room. I could feel their gaze on us as I opened the door and entered inside my room. He followed and closed the door firmly. I turned back and looked at the man I missed the most. He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes. I closed the gap between us, and hesitantly, I caressed his beautiful face. We just stood there, not a word, and looked at each other for a long time. It felt as if I was memorizing his face, trying to keep this picture in my face. 

 

"What happened to us?" I asked him, my voice barely audible. "Is the scandal true?" he said, his voice firm, and a little bit of anger. He doesn't trust me at all, and this realization hit me hard. I stepped back, my hand leaving his face. I looked at him hard, trying to see if he was acting or anything. 

 

"You have got to be kidding me! Why don't you believe me?" I screamed at him. He took a step back, his eyes wide in shock. He probably never heard me scream for real and was shocked but for once, I didn't really care. He should trust me, not that stupid media. He is my boyfriend, not my enemy. 

 

"I hear a lot of stuff about you. Not only here, but elsewhere too. I just don't know what to trust anymore," he said and looked away. "But I did," I whispered, tears threatening to fall down. He looked at me, confusion clearly written in his eyes. "I believed in you when people said you are dating Tiffany. I believed in you when my own members asked me about this. I didn't ask you about it because I trusted you. I trusted you while you don't trust me!" I shouted at him, my cheeks getting wet because of my tears. He just looked at me, sadness and hurt in his eyes. He wanted to come near my and wipe my tears, I knew that, but he didn't come. He just stayed there, my words hung in the silence around us. 

 

"I just don't know Vic. You know how many male idols like you. I sick of getting jealous. I am tired of hiding our relationship. I am tired Vic, tired of everything," He whispered, as if he was thinking and not saying it out loud. "We have grown apart," he continued and I knew exactly what his next words are. "I think it's best if we part our ways."

 

He wants to break up. Our three years together is going to end right now. My dream of marrying him was shattered. I just stood there, letting my tears drain out my eyes, feeling my whole body going numb. He looked into my eyes, and to my surprise, his eyes were also filled with tears. "It's for the best Vic. Best for everything," that was his last words before he went outside my bedroom. I saw Amber standing out, clearly frustrated. "So, you are breaking up because of a stupid rumor? Congratulation then! I am so happy that  Victoria doesn't have a stupid boyfriend anymore," she said, anger clearly evident from her voice. The other girls were in the living room, shooting death glares at him. Nichkhun gave one last glance at me, and exited my dorm, my flat, and my life. 

 

I vaguely remember the rest that happened. My members rushed in my room, and gave me a group hug. I remember crying a lot, so much that my members became too worried. They called my manager, to cancel all my appointments. He came to check on me, and with one look of me, he understood. I remember laying in my bed, Amber my hair as my head was in her lap. She was trying to comfort me, just like I would have done it. She cancelled all her schedules for me. Being the leader might be hard and you have to be strong. But sometimes, it's okay to lower your guard because you know that your members won't leave you behind. Amber was looking at me weirdly, as I didn't talk or cry after he left. The door bell ranged, so Amber lifted my head slowly from her lap and got up to get the door. I slowly got up and looked at myself in my mirror. The girl in the mirror's hair was shoving out from all over the place, her cheeks showing her dried tears, her nose red from crying. But her eyes stood out, her orbs black as death, her eyes red as blood. There was sadness, a sadness you couldn't explain. And pain, lots and lots of pain. Numb, just like how my mind and body feels. My door swung open as Amber, Kyuhyun, and Zhoumi stood at entrance. By the way their mouth opened and eyes got wide because of my appearance, I knew they knew. I never really told them, but they always suspected it. Such sweet guys, my two best friends. I tried to smile, my cheeks feeling like iron. I tried to stand up, and as soon as my leg touched the ground, my mind suddenly went blank. Everything started to spin, everything I saw was in two. My body felt like falling apart, just like how my heart was. Suddenly, everything went dark, as I felt my body falling. Falling into a dark pit. Falling into a dreamless slumber. A sleep that used to be full with dreams of him. 

 

When I woke up, I found myself in hospital. I looked around to find my members, my manager, and my two best friends (Kyuhyun and Zhoumi) beside my bed. Stress and overworking had caused my fatigue, but everyone in this room knew my real stress. Suddenly, I felt pathetic. Pathetic that one man caused me like this. Pathetic that I caused my loved ones to get worried about me. I turned my head away and closed my eyes tightly, so I won't allow a single tear to fall because of him. But I failed, failed miserably. I felt four arms pulled in a tight embrace. I found myself sandwiched between Zhoumi and Kyuhyun. I cried my heart out, hoping and hoping, that these would be the last tears for him. 

 

*End of Flashback*

 

After my breakup, I threw myself in work. I took any jobs offered, kept my mind busy. F(x) had their comeback, and even made a debut in China too. Amber was really happy about it, so she can be closer with her Kris. I was happy too; I was back to my homeland, back to where my life began. I got a drama offer again, and without thinking twice, I took it. And I did the best thing, the drama was an instant hit. My life was slowly forming back together, bits and bits were becoming whole. 

 

While I was picking up my bits and pieces, I found out that he had already moved on without any problem. One random day in China, while I was waiting for my turn to get makeup, I was reading a newspaper. The headlines: "Nichkhun and Tiffany confirmed to be in a relationship." I put the newspaper and the members didn't notice anything strange. I smiled at my stylist when it was my turn. That night, all the members asked me if I was alright. I guessed they saw the news, so I just smiled and said that I was okay. I had a schedule, so I rushed out without any question from the girls. While I was waiting for the shoot to start, my mom called me. I was kind of shocked, usually it's me who calls her first.

 

"Mama! Is everything okay? Did something happen?" I asked, as I tried not to imagine anything bad happen to her. 

 

"Oh Qian, just because I called you doesn't mean there's something wrong," her voice reassured me. Sometimes I feel like the mom because my mom doesn't take everything seriously. "I actually have some good news for you. Remember Yu Han? Xu Yu Han? Her family moved in our neighborhood during your elementary school?"

 

I skimmed through my memories, trying to remember this girl. Finally, I remembered her as we used to go to the same middle and high school and I used to sit with her for lunch. "Yeah, I think I remember her. Why?" 

 

"She is getting married next week. She wanted you to attend her wedding, so I  promised her you would come. Can you?" 

 

"Maybe, I have to check though." 

 

"I met her finance. Such a sweet guy, had some manners too. Handsome and has brains. Works as a CEO in a mobile company. She is so lucky right?"

 

"Yeah......" I think I know where this conversation is going. 

 

"Heard that his friend is just like him. He says that he is heir to a towel company."

 

"Mama..."

 

"Oh, I saw the news! Kangta says that your his ideal type! Isn't that exciting?"

 

"Mama..... Didn't we already talk about this?" I heard her sigh. 

 

"But Qian, how long? How long are you going to wait to get married? Every one of your friends are already having children. I want to see my grandchildren. Isn't Kangta good enough for you? How long are you going to wait for my prince charming?"

 

I let out a laugh, thinking that my prince charming has already been taken. This isn't a topic to laugh Song Qian, she had said. 

 

"Mama, I am doing my best. Gotta go, my shoot is about to begin. Love you and take care!"

 

"Love you too. Take care" my mom said sweetly, and she hung up. I sighed and looked at the sky, trying to not feel lonely and hoping that my mom would hug me. 

 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~

 

June 22, 2015

 

SM Dinner. A dinner where every artist under SM has to attend. A chance where friends can catch up with their lives. A place to meet your sunbaes and hoobaes, and have a good chat and have delicious meal. Amber went to EXO, for reasons you probably know. My other members chatted with their oppas, and I found myself walking towards Kangta oppa. 

 

A song for f(x), that's how it started. How we started to talk again after oppa went to army and got discharged. Even though I know that he likes me and is sincere about it, I just couldn't you know. Because my heart is scared, scared that I would become pathetic again, just like how it was when he left me. Also, I think I would never forgive him for leaving me alone. The pain, the agony, the experience didn't want me to fall in love again. 

 

A commotion took place as I saw a blushing Tiffany and other SNSD members hugging her and squealing. I look at Kangta oppa with a raised eyebrow, but he just shrugged. "Fany said yes! Khun and Fany is getting married guys!" Jessica shouted loudly. Everyone erupted into joy and cheering, but I could feel my members looking at me. I looked at EXO's side, and bingo! Amber is straight looking at me, worry in her eyes and biting her lower lip. I smiled while shaking my head, and I felt familiar existences behind me. I found my two besties Kyuhyun and Zhoumi smiling at me. I smiled back as they both give me a hug at the same time. 

 

"Are you okay?" Kyuhyun whispered. "Now I am," I whispered back. Kangta oppa cleared his throat, making our group hug to end. Kangta oppa shot warning looks with red ears while the boys just smiled cheekily. Unknowingly, a smile spread across my face. 

 

"Unnie! I can't believe Fany is getting married!" Sooyoung said as she came with Tiffany to us. "Unnie, please stop it," Tiffany embarrassed, but I could see her happiness by the blush in her cheeks. "Congratulations," Kangta oppa said as the other two boys did the same. Tiffany looked at me, and one realization hit me. 

 

Either I could hold a grudge against her and forever show it right on her face, making her life miserable. Or I could just forgive her, forgive everything that happened and let my heart in ease. Forgiving someone isn't a crime, it is actually good thing to do. I could forever forgive him and can finally move on. I also realized that it is me who is holding back from moving on, not him or his memories. Afraid. Now is the moment where I can change my life if I want to. I chose the one that my heart choose. 

 

I smiled sincerely before pulling her into a big hug. She was surprised, I could tell by the way her body stiffened. "Congratulation," I said sincerely. She looked into my eyes, and I finally felt my heart at ease. A commotion occurred again as Nichkhun entered and looked for Tiffany. She went to him, and his eyes met with ours. I nodded in acknowledgement, and he did the same. I saw Tiffany's hand encircling around Nichkhun's arm, and I didn't feel anything weird. Instead, I did something I never thought I would. I wished them my sincere blessings. 

 

"Why don't we go outside? It's kind of getting stuffy in here," Kangta oppa whispered to me. I said okay and I followed him outside the park in SM building. It was kind of cute, the park I mean. Not the way we both were walking, our arms almost touching. The way his hand almost brushed against mine. The way he hesitantly took my hand, and his fingers locking against mine. My heart skipped a bit, my heart beat going faster. I bit my lip, I could feel my cheeks getting red. Shyly, I locked my fingers too, and he looked at me with surprised. I bit my lip and looked at him, and our eyes meet. And I felt it, I think Kangta oppa felt it too. Looks like my mom's wish is becoming true.