I stare at my reflection in the mirror

Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error

 

Dongwoon sat in the middle of their practice room, dripping in his sweat. The music was still blasting from the speakers, it was deafening. He was frustrated with himself. Why couldn’t he get it right? Hours and hours of one routine and he couldn’t even get it right. How did he expect to keep up with s if he kept falling behind like this?

 

He stared at his reflection, scrutinizing his pathetic self. He couldn’t sing, he couldn’t dance, he couldn’t act… why was he here? He doesn’t deserve to be here, where someone else, someone more talented than him, belonged. Maybe he should just quit, he was not improving in his dancing or singing like the others. So what if he was good looking? It wasn’t enough. He had to do more. He needed to be more. He was nothing right now.

 

He gritted his teeth and got back up to do it again.

 

Hyunseung watched the maknae from the shadows outside the practice room. He sighs and enters, saying he needed to practice too. He made an excuse about not being able to do his part right, though it was a lie. Dongwoon smiled at his hyung sadly, understanding immediately.

 

I nearly left the real me on the shelf…

No, don’t lose who you are

In the blur of the stars

 

“What’s wrong with you two? Wake up!” Doojoon scolded Hyunseung and Dongwoon. The two kept dozing off on set and he finally approached them during break time.

 

“Sorry hyung…” Dongwoon immediately bows and apologizes.

 

“Sorry…” Hyunseung yawned.

 

“Where were you two last night? You knew we had an early schedule today, but you both didn’t come back till late.”

 

“We were practicing our dance.” Hyunseung stretched and did some warm up exercises to get his blood flowing.

 

“It’s my fault, hyung stayed up to help me.” Dongwoon frowned, looking at his clasped hands.

 

“No I didn’t. I needed to practice too, remember?”

 

“As if.” He scoffed. Hyunseung stuck his tongue out at him.

 

“Practicing is good, but you need sleep too!” Their leader sighed. “What’s the point of practicing all the time if you’re too tired to show what you’ve done?”

 

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Dongwoon smiled weakly and nodded.

 

Doojoon hugged his precious maknae. “I know you want to get better, but it’s okay. I don’t want to see you this tired again, okay?”

 

“Nae hyung…”

 

“Now look alive. Show them how funny and awesome you are.” KiKwang grinned from where he was seated behind his best friend in the group.

 

“I’ll do my best.” Dongwoon grinned.

 

Seeing is deceiving

Dreaming is believing

It’s okay not to be okay

 

The members of Beast were sweating and panting as they monitored themselves on the screen after their performance. Most of the other members found their performance acceptable, very minor flaws which they wished didn’t exist, but it was passable for their critical eyes. Dongwoon stands in the back, replaying his mistake over and over again. He sang a flat note in one of his few lines.

 

The others barely noticed it, and told him he did great. He smiled and pretended to be okay, but s knew it bothered him still. He listened to his hyungs practice their singing in the car, he was practicing too, but he was more in awe of them. They were so good, not making mistakes like he was. That’s what he wanted to be. He wanted to be even half as great as they were.

 

Once again he was in the practice room that night, this time practicing his singing.

 

Yoseob had just come from talking with the CEO about singing a duet with another girl idol when he heard the all too familiar voice coming from the practice room. He smiled and ran to his favorite maknae in the room.

 

“What are you doing here?” He grinned, tackling the taller boy.

 

“I was just practicing. Why are you here?”

 

“I was talking to the CEO.” He shrugged. “I’ll help you practice!”

 

“It’s okay. Hyung should go sleep.”

 

“Don’t be stupid. I’m your hyung. I’m gonna help.” He laughed and ruffled the maknae’s hair affectionately. Dongwoon smiled down at the cute boy and thanked him.

 

About an hour later, still minimal progress in his singing, Dongwoon was about to kick something in frustration. Yoseob sighed, not sure how to help him.

 

“You know… Even if you don’t, we think your singing is great.” Yoseob smiled sadly. “Stop picking at every little thing. You’re doing your best, and you’re doing really well.”

 

“I don’t want to hold you guys back.”

 

“You’re not.”

 

“I am!”

 

“Stop that kind of talk already! And stop doing all these practices without us! We know you do this all the time, let us help you! It’s okay to ask us to help you!”

 

Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart

Tears don’t mean you’re losing

Everybody’s bruising

There’s nothing wrong with who you are

 

Dongwoon was found by the other members sleeping in the practice room. The music still playing and he was still covered in sweat.

 

“This bastard is still doing these things.” Junhyung sighed, plopping himself down beside the maknae on the floor.

 

“He was reading anti fan comments again.” KiKwang sighed.

 

“I wonder if we can block those sites from him.” Hyunseung grimaced, using his sleeve to wipe the sweat off his face.

 

“As if that could stop him.” Yoseob rolled his eyes, turning down the music.

 

“What should we do?” KiKwang asked their leader.

 

Doojoon sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. “I don’t know.”

 

“Hmm…” Dongwoon shifted in his sleep, but didn’t wake up.

 

“It’s not like he’ll talk to us about his problems or anything…” Yoseob pouted.

 

“He’s not going to stop doing this to himself.” Hyunseung laid down beside the maknae.

 

“I don’t know why he reads bad comments about himself; he’s doing really well these days and that’s all that matters.” KiKwang frowned.

 

“We’ll figure it out later. We need to get him home.” Doojoon said finally and had KiKwang help him carry the heavy body to the car.

 

-The next morning-

 

“How did I get back to the dorm?” Dongwoon yawned, asking s when they were on their way to the salon.

 

“We carried you.”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry about that!” He apologized immediately, feeling bad about burdening them again.

 

“Don’t worry about it. But we need to talk.”

 

“Are you breaking up with me?” He joked.

 

“Yes, I’m leaving you for Junhyung.” Doojoon laughed. “Seriously, we need to talk later though.”

 

“Okay hyung.”

 

-Later-

 

“What’s up hyungs?” Dongwoon smiled, sitting down on the floor near them.

 

“We’ve been talking to you about you practicing too much and taking the criticisms way too seriously. We know you feel bad about it, and you don’t want to hold us back. Why don’t you talk to us for a change? Tell us how you feel.”

 

“Hmm, there’s not really anything to talk about though. I’m fine.”

 

“Like hell you are.” KiKwang rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m okay, seriously. You guys don’t have to worry about me.”

 

“You’ve been insanely tough on yourself lately, so we know that’s not true.”

 

Dongwoon sat in silence for a while. The other boys watched as the cracks in his mask started to shatter and they finally truly saw how he was really feeling.

 

“I keep working hard, I keep practicing, I keep doing my best but it doesn’t work.” He bit back his tears, “I don’t do nearly as well as I should. I’m supposed to do better. I’m supposed to keep up with you guys. I’m not supposed to make stupid mistakes. I’m not supposed to disappoint fans. I’m supposed to be able to take the criticism and move on. It’s part of the job! To get criticized!”

 

“It’s okay to cry.” Hyunseung sighed, hugging him close to his body.

 

“We’re all affected by the criticism.” Yoseob sighed. “I was depressed because of it – I still am sometimes.”

 

“Sometimes… some people just really want to hurt someone’s feelings or criticize someone else. It doesn’t matter to them if we’re hurt – that’s what they want actually.” Junhyung mused.

 

“For every hateful message you read, there are at least ten more supportive comments that are dying to be read by you.” Doojoon grinned. “Stop listening to what mean people say. We love you. Your fans love you. We need you to be with us. We need you to be happy and healthy – not working yourself to the bone with minutes of sleep to run on.”

 

“Stop killing yourself like this. If not for you, for us!” Hyunseung pleaded, petting Dongwoon’s hair.

 

“If you don’t, I’m going to track down every single one of your antis and beat them up!” Junhyung threatened.

 

“Is that what you want? You want your hyung to break his hands and ruin his career beating up a bunch of Uglies?” Yoseob yelled.

 

“No.” Dongwoon pouted.

 

“Then stop thinking about the Uglies and focus on the B2tys.” Junhyung grinned.

 

“That was cheesy hyung…” He gave a small smile.

 

 

 

---

Author's Note

 

I should probably be focusing on the other story instead, but I've been addicted to this song as of late and I got inspired to write this little brain itch.

I also recently saw a list of anti fan club names and Uglies are Beast's anti fans. I didn't know they had to many anti fans... like wow. Why? They're great and talented guys who work hard and make good music. I came into their fandom late (Around late February this year), because I was out of Kpop when they debuted and I judge groups by the songs I happen upon -- I first heard them in Beautiful, and I was mildly disturbed by the English, so I had marked them as not listenable at the time. I still have problems with their English lyrics, but I'm getting over it. But to actually become and anti fan? My god, how much do you have to dislike someone to join an anti fan cafe and think up ways to hurt them?

I'm prone to making tense mistakes because I have ADD, and I keep thinking of scenes from different views and times so it could be present tense or future tense.

 

Thank you for reading. Please comment and tell me what you think.