Title: 4/5

 loved the simplicity of it; one word tend titles tend to be eye catching. However, even though the title does suit the story, it is slightly dull and generic too. Since your story is fantasy, I feel like you could’ve made a more “fantastical” (fantasy + magical) title.

Description & Foreword: 4.5/5

Again, I like that you left it short and simple. Although in my opinion, you didn’t even have to go as far as describing the characters (since you want the reader to figure that out themselves anyway), even one or two simple and short sentences would’ve been fine. By the way—although the layout of the description and foreword was very appealing, I think you should’ve placed the date you started the fan fiction and etc. towards the end of it, that way the reader wouldn’t have to scroll down and down to look for the description (and it was so small and short too, so it was difficult to find for me).

Plot: 15/20

The fact that you included some mysteriousness in the beginning of the story (to be specific, the part where Minjae talks about the four girls being found dead) was what kept me reading.
The beginning of chapter two felt “corny” to me though—especially the dialogue. By putting words in all capital letters, which should be used for abbreviation and not emphasis—it made the dialogue feel cliché to me. And again with the second chapter—“Oh this? Um… It’s a cookie!” I understand how this is supposed to be humorous… but it isn’t. Not to me, and I think that [redundant] dialogue like this can be taken out; it only makes the story more cliché and “corny”. I cringed many times while reading the [corny] dialogue—“Oh no. You’re not going to just take a on the floo-” (by the way, you did curse quite a bit, although it wasn’t necessary most of those times), “Hey, Kai. Wake up! My brother is here. It’s time for you to go.” The problem with both of these sets of dialogue is that they’re boring, and although it’s meant to be funny, it’s not. The only moment that I found somewhat humorous was in chapter four, when Kai stated, “And my cookie! It’s torn apart!” Other than that, the plot felt quite sluggish—even the action-ish scene with Chanyeol and Kai felt out of place, and didn’t do much to make the plot more exciting.
Truthfully, there was never a moment while I was reading your story that I truly felt captivated and wanted to read on. In addition, there wasn’t much imagery, and it felt like the plot just went on and on and on.
Since it seems you’re not that far into the story yet, and I’m only reviewing chapters one to four, I’d just like to remind you—stories always need a and a solution.

Flow: 12/15

In chapters one and two, I felt as if both moved very slowly. The beginning of chapter one is supposed to be somewhat sluggish, since you’re still introducing the characters, though I did like that you immediately introduced Kai toward the end of chapter one, which contrasted with the sluggishness at the beginning of the chapter, and made me want to read on. However, chapter two went way too slowly, and I felt that every single scene in that chapter was pointless. It was slow and boring. The scene with Chanyeol and Kai fighting was alright—I still feel like you could’ve described it a bit better. A major plot twist would be nice; it would also speed things up more.

Characterization: 13.5/15

The characters’ personalities overall were not difficult to understand, however, I was a bit confused with their relationships and interactions with each other. I did understand how Yejin wasn’t fond of Kai in the beginning, but couldn’t help being attracted to his looks (you elaborated a lot on this through dialogue). There was only one part where I was confused with the relationship between Yejin and her brother, Chanyeol—“’When did you meet him? Why didn’t you tell me and mommy?’ Yejin demanded, sneering” (from chapter 3). Only paragraphs ago, you were describing the sweet and close brotherly-sisterly relationship between the two, and here Yejin is, “’sneering’” at her brother? Also, Yejin is supposed to have this somewhat introverted, occasionally negative, protective of herself, and apathetic view to things, but sometimes, she seems to have sudden outbursts or moments that don’t seem to match her personality all that well—like this portion of dialogue: “’Awww! Mom and Dad were so cute!’” From reading this part, I immediately imagined an outgoing and bright character, different from Yejin. I suggest that when you’re writing dialogue (and since your story is mainly dialogue anyway) try to consider the characters’ true personalities and how they would speak about certain things.

Mechanics—grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.: 6/10

A piece of advice when writing paragraphs—be sure not to start all the sentences with the same word (for example, “she”). If you do that, it makes the paragraph sound boring when reading it. For instance, in the first paragraph of your story, you use the word “she” four times. Although it was only four sentences, it already sounded like you used “she” too often. Also, try varying your sentences. Your grammar is perfect; however, your sentences are boring. It’s always “She does this, this happens.” By adding more long sentences or shorter, staccatoed sentences, your paragraph will be more interesting to read.

In addition, you used a large amount of repetition, which was completely unnecessary. In the fourth paragraph of your story (the first chapter), I felt like the sentence before one sentence would state something, and the next sentence would repeat that. For example: “Pacing from one foot to another, she waited for the bus to come outside of her house” and then “When she saw it from the corner of her eyes, she relaxed and began to walk toward the bus.” At times like this, you don’t need to be so specific. Just replace “bus” with “it”; otherwise it sounds like you’re repeating some words over and over again.
Occasionally, when you write the dialogue, the sequence in which you phrase it doesn’t sound quite right: “’If another person dies and they go to this high school, you would think that the high school would get in trouble.’” From the way you phrased it, it would mean that Minjae had been saying, “If another person dies and after they die they go to this high school, the high school would get in trouble.’” I think what you want to say is, “’If another person from our high school dies, you would think that our high school would get in trouble.’” Also, since Minjae and Yejin were talking about their own high school, you should let them say, “our high school” (when they refer to it as “this high school”, it sounds like they don’t actually go to the high school where people are getting killed). 
Something to avoid doing—“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BYUNTAE! BYUNTAE!” (from chapter 2). Try to avoid typing everything in capital letters—if you want to emphasize the dialogue, then emphasize through other means. Also, even if you are Korean, try not to use Korean in your story. Since you’re writing the story in English, then why not stick to English? It’s especially irritating to people who don’t understand Korean (which is probably the majority of people on AFF), and it’s not always easy to guess what the writer is trying to say (plus, think about this logically—usually, people don’t randomly shout out words in other languages when they’re speaking in their first language).
Another sentence that needs to be rephrased: “She forgot that Minjae had friends unlike her.” First off, since you’re writing the story in past tense, and Yejin is thinking about something that occurred before another action in the past, “She forgot” should be changed to “She had forgotten”. Also, instead of placing “unlike her” at the end of the sentence where it sounds strange, it’s better to state it at the beginning, like this: “She had forgotten that unlike her, Minjae had friends.” 
A common mistake: avoid switching from first person to second person or third person to second person. When writing, people often do this unknowingly, and it is difficult to realize when you’re writing, but it’s something you most definitely should avoid doing. 
And although this didn’t happen very often, try to remember not to change tenses. An example of when you did: “Bodies rushed and crammed into the hallways as many students tried to escape the pressuring school as fast as they can.” “Can” is in present tense, but in past tense it is “could”. Also, when you say “pressuring school”, what do you mean? Are you saying that the students want to escape the “pressure” in the overcrowded hallways, or that they want to escape the pressure of grades and things like that? When rewriting this sentence, I would try to be more specific. 
The same thing with past and past perfect tense apply to this sentence: “She soon found out what happened.” Correction: “She soon found out what had happened.”

1.) “In replace, was a boy.”
The correct way of writing this should be, “In its place was a boy.”
2.) “’You’re name is Kai, boy?’”
Correction: I absolutely loathe when people use this incorrectly; it makes stories painful to read. “Your” is a possessive pronoun, which should be used in cases like “Is this your book?” or “This jackets is yours.” “You’re” is a conjunction, and is short for “you are.” It should be used in situations like “You’re welcome” or “You’re fine; don’t worry.” For the sentence that you wrote, it should be “your” because it is Kai’s name is possessive (and if you put “you’re” in, it would be saying, “You are name is Kai, boy?” which is incorrect). It would also make more sense if you just wrote the sentence this way: “Is your name Kai, boy?”
3.) “Yejin busted out in laughter.”
Correction (optional): I’m not 100% sure on this, but I think “Yejin burst out in laughter” would sound better than what you had before.
I was a little confused at one point though: “’I have one sole problem. My problem. Until that is fixed, I have to say sorry to you.’”
First—there’s no need to say, “My problem” since the reader already knows that it is Kai’s problem (he’s even the one talking, so…). Also, why would Kai even say “’I have to say sorry to you?’” if he got angry and ignored Yejin before? From his attitude earlier, he isn’t the type to say this kind of thing. My advice is to get rid of this sentence, or if you don’t want to change the sentences afterwards, just say something else instead of “I have to say sorry”.
4.) “Chanyeol immediately turned into wolf form, not caring if you saw now that you know, and dashed upstairs.”
Correction: Because Chanyeol explained to Yejin, and Yejin specifically about him being a wolf, using “you” in this sentence is completely incorrect (you were also writing the entire story in third person anyhow). Since he was explaining this to Yejin specifically, it should be written in third person. My correction: “Chanyeol immediately turned into wolf form and dashed upstairs, not caring that Yejin had seen him since she already knew.”
5.) “Her mind was in a daze. It still couldn’t absorb all that information that went through her.”
Correction: Since it is Yejin’s mind, you don’t have to refer to her mind as “it”; it is still Yejin who is thinking, so the correct sentence would be, “Her mind was in a daze. She still couldn’t absorb all the information that went through her” (from chapter four).

Originality: 13/15

I honestly feel that I’ve read a fan fiction like this before. Characters like Yejin are also common among fan fictions—the hot/popular guy falls for the unpopular girl—I’ve seen themes like this all too often. The fact that Kai is a wolf balances this out just a little, however—when I got to the third chapter, the plot felt even more cliché. Chanyeol and Kai; childhood friends? (Another theme I’ve seen many, many times). A plot twist, or possibly some more action scenes (the enigmatic killing incidents mentioned in the first chapter weren’t mentioned again yet; maybe you should bring that up again?)

Writing Style & Voice: 7/10

Although the story is fantasy, which is quite different from the many fan fictions I’ve seen that are realistic fiction, it still felt generic. For instance, “He leaned in and her ear. Yejin shivered before pushing him away” (from chapter” (from chapter 2). This sentence is absolutely boring—there’s no description or imagery, which makes it dull and boring to read. If you haven’t heard of this writing technique before, I suggest you keep it in mind now: “show” and don’t “tell”. When writing, you want to “show” and illustrate what is going on (using literary devices and descriptive words can help with this) rather than “telling” the reader. For example: “The wolf had white fur.” This is an example of “telling”, since I was simply telling the reader straight out that the wolf has white fur, and that is basic writing—no descriptive words, no literary devices, and it is utterly and completely boring. Here is an example of this sentence, but instead of “telling”, I will show the reader that the wolf has white fur—“The wolf had fur as white as snow.” This, although it may not be the most descriptive, does not simply state anything, it shows and illustrates a picture for the reader to see.
And although I understand that the first scenes were supposed to be somewhat boring in a way, I felt that they were almost too boring, to the point that I didn’t want to read on. Perhaps if you used more literary devices (e.g. similes, metaphors, personification; refer to what I said before) then it would be easier to relate to Yejin’s loneliness or her terror when she first saw Kai.
Lastly, when you write the story, don’t place pictures in the story. Yes, it can be entertaining for people who like pictures. However, you as a writer should be able to describe the varied emotions and faces of the characters, which is why there’s most definitely no need for pictures in your story.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

The story was somewhat disappointing, because although you wrote “comedy” in the tag section, it only felt sluggish and dull—I suggest maybe elaborating more (hopefully you did) on the killing of those four girls, and make some more action scenes to keep up the pace. I only reviewed chapters one to four, but I hope that in the other chapters are better.

Total: 77/100