Distant
Things Change, People ChangeIt's been forever since my last post. I was hit by inspiration recently, and well, here's the product of it. My writing is a bit rusty, but I hope you enjoy reading nonetheless. :)
They were head over heels once upon a time. They were just like any other couple in their honeymoon stage, so deeply in love and captivated by their significant other. So close to each other in every way. Their love was once so beautiful, so vibrant, so alive.
But it didn't - couldn't - last.
The changes happened so gradually, space between growing ever so slowly that she hardly noticed at first. Every time, she would pass it off as him having a lot on his mind or maybe one of his moods but she could feel that something was missing. He was missing.
Physically, he was present. A few visits now and then, surprise date every other week. He was a wonderful boyfriend who would text her good morning, send random I love you's throughout the day and call her just to say good night.
But it was different now. He was so distant.
It had begun to feel like his visits were forced, texts and calls a mundane task, kisses were meaningless... Every touch made her feel the distance even more, that even when he was holding her close, he was a million miles away.
Now, as they stood on her doorstep, she faked a smile (because it was so hard to smile genuinely at someone who didn't want to be there at all), kissed him lightly on the lips and said, "Good night."
She leaned in to give him a hug and she could feel her heart sink as the embrace was half heartedly returned. She shut her eyes tightly, willing the tears not to come as she nuzzled his neck. With a deep breath, she stepped back. She took his hand in her own and gave it a loving squeeze.
"I love you, you know." she told him sincerely, like she did every night.
And Sungyeol would reply, but it felt like it was more out of obligation than an expression of his feelings.
"I love you, too."
*
"Last time I checked, he was your boyfriend." One of her friends told her as she watched Sungyeol walk out of the building with another girl. They had met about two months before in university, and they became fast friends. Every moment not spent with her, his girl friend, was spent with the other girl. She was pretty, confident and a very nice person. Everything she wasn't but it was impossible to resent her. She couldn't reprimand her boyfriend anyway; he was entitled to have friends of the opposite .
"He is. They're just friends." she replied. The two passed by them and he then caught her eye and smiled (forced, by the looks of it) at her to acknowledge her presence. "See," she said when they were out of earshot. "he looked over and smiled. He knows I'm here and I know they're friends. Nothing more."
Her friend didn't look convinced. "Look," she placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm your friend. It's inevitable that I'd be concerned for you. It's just that, well, the way they look at each other and the way they act around the other... It reminds me of the two of you a little before you began dating." She then bit her lip and withdrew her hand, wondering if she should have kept that to herself.
"I... I know." She heaved a tired sigh and slumped in her seat. Her voice broke a little as she spoke. "We've been drifting apart." It hurt to say it out loud because it felt like she was accepting it. But she needed to get it off her chest. She needed someone who would listen. "It just isn't the same anymore. I feel like an obligation to him. A burden. I may be his girlfriend and there may or may not be... r-romance blossoming between him and her but if there is, I don't want to be in the way of that." a deep breath. "Not if he doesn't... Not if he doesn't love me anymore.
"I don't want to stop him from doing greater things or from being loved by someone who could give him what he needs. I used to be what he needed." she clenched her fists, trying but ultimately failing to hold her tears back. "But now, I just... I'm not that person anymore." she choked back a sob as she bowed her head, tears falling into her lap. "And I love him. So, so much." her words were hardly coherent and she was gasping between words. "But... I want him to be happy."
*
"We're here." Sungyeol said as he pulled over in front of her house.
The car's engine was off, but neither made a move to exit the vehicle. He stared off into the distance in front of him as she ran through the words she would say to him over and over in her head, willing herself to cut to the chase and just tell him but the words caught at the back of . It was so difficult. While still desperately trying to settle the storm inside her, she reached over and took his hand in hers, twining their fingers together. They fit perfectly, she had once thought. Like mine was made for yours. But now Sungyeol's fingers felt cold even as his thumb absently the back of her hand.
"Sungyeol, I... You know I love you." she began in a small voice.
"I lo-"
"And I want you to be happy."
She could imagine the dumbfounded look in his eyes at the seemingly out-of-nowhere statement, and when he said nothing in reply, she continued. "Your happiness means so much to me. More than my own. You were always a happy, cheerful person." she stared at their hands, fingers laced through the spaces of the other's. "And I know that... you're not happy with me. Not anymore."
He furrowed his eyebrows. His gaze was still transfixed in front of him. "But I am-"
"You aren't." she willed the tears filling her eyes to go away and not ruin her speech. "Please, please don't lie to me. I feel that you aren't happy. I know you." she scoffed and laughed bitterly at her own statement. Her emotions were taking over her. "At least I used to. You aren't the man I fell in love with. You may look like him, talk like him, walk like him, or do everything the way he used to, but the difference between then and now?" she shook her head, tears spilling at the sides. "He meant them. Every single thing he said or did was done with meaning. And that man loved me..." flowing. Her tears were flowing. "he needed me. And I needed him. I still need him. I will always need that man, Sungyeol." God, she was such a cry baby. "But now he's gone."
He remained unspeaking, but now he was staring at their hands as well.
"And the only thing stopping me from saying all this before was that I wasn't sure if you would have someone to fall back on when I... when I go. But you have her now." she smiled but it was twisted by the grief she felt inside. It hurt. She couldn't believe how much it hurt. "Now, the man I love only shows when you're with her. When you're looking into her eyes and not mine.
"You wont be missing anything when I'm gone. She can be your princess and you her knight in shining armor. She can write you sappy poems that she'll read to you when you can't sleep. She can hold your hand and you could hold hers and you could take her into your arms and... She can do everything I used to do for you and you for me, only that this time around, you'll be doing it out of love, not obligation." with every word she said, her grip on his hand tightened until she realized what she was doing and let go altogether.
Sungyeol felt lost when her hand slipped out of his, and true to her words, he hadn't felt anything strong around her lately. He was the first to become distant, but seeing and feeling her do the same to him... it hurt. Was this what he was putting her through? What he was about to say would sound like he was playing dumb, but he couldn't help himself. "I made you feel like you were an obligation? And what you're trying to say..."
"I didn't feel like one, I knew I was one. And... I'm breaking it off. Our relationship."
"And you... you said 'when I'm gone'. Where will you go?"
Her smile was genuine as she thought about where she would go. A place where there was no more pain, no more heartbreak, no one to disappoint, no one to hurt and to hurt her in return. A happy place.
"Somewhere you can't follow." she stated simply.
"Why?" she could imagine him gritting his teeth. "Look at me, and tell me why?"
And look at him she did. She could see hurt and betrayal in his eyes, but there was also anger and an emotion she couldn't place. When was the last time he looked at her with so much feeling? Negative as it may be, it was better than seeing blank, empty eyes.
The look in her eyes haunted him. He could see the self loathing and pain in her darker than normal eyes that were bloodshot because of her tears. Someone he once found so beautiful now looked so... damaged. There was no longer life in those eyes. It felt like he was staring into her eyes the day they met, when he stopped her from going over the edge. He felt like they were strangers again. His heart hurt for the broken girl in front of him.
"Because things change and... people change." this was it. Her final words to Sungyeol. "But I love you, you know. And that will never change."
And she stepped out.
***
If you expected fluff, then you're reading stories from the wrong author XD Of course I'm back with angst. I hope you enjoyed! Thank you for reading. :)
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