You felt ridiculous. No, you felt beyond ridiculous. Even the word ‘imbecile’ didn’t begin to describe how stupid you were for coming here. Yet you couldn’t help yourself; you had to see him from up close. Or at least, as ‘up close’ as you could get to him. Because the moment you heard Cheolyong and Byunghee would come on Super Junior’s Kiss the Radio, you had felt the cracks in the wall you had built around yourself resurface painfully. Your heart was aching like never before. It was a sign. You were feeling as if your heart had been shut off until now, awakened once more. But you still knew you had to go. Silly, wasn’t it? How you now felt this pain so deeply, even though the two of you both agreed upon breaking up months ago. It had been a reasonable decision then. Still, here you were…staring at Cheolyong from this distance like one of his fans.

It was crazy, you knew that for sure. What exactly were you trying to achieve anyway? Seeing him like this; in his natural environment between other idols, smiling and talking to them happily… It only made it harder for you to bear. Nonetheless, it was comforting to know he was this happy. He looked fine. Just as you had hoped he would be. And you were sure the pain you used to see in his eyes was probably gone now. Mission accomplished, right?

Upon watching him you saw flashes of your relationship come before your eyes. It was only normal that happened; you had been together for quite a while. You remember the way he laughed, how he hugged you every minute he was with you, his mischievous smile right before he pulled a prank on you…. The taste of his lips; hotly pressed against yours, exploring your body… Your heart skipped a beat at the thoughts. You were sure this was the time your heart would fall out of your chest. Once you had cracked your wall open, there was no turning back. And almost like on cue, all thoughts of the breakup resurfaced.

It hadn’t been anyone’s fault actually. It was a situation that simply became too hard to deal with. His stress during the comeback and your stress at work were like the most terrible combination to make both of your nerves stand on the very edge. That, together with the inevitable need to hide your relationship from the world around you, caused such pressure on your relationship it wasn’t okay anymore. It wasn’t healthy anymore. There was too little time together, too much fights about useless things and too much of things you couldn’t avoid facing. The pain that came together with all of that…simply indescribable… What does one feel when they leave the love of their life only to make sure that person can live a happy, healthy life?  It was a fact that both of you had different reasons for breaking up, no matter how hard it would hurt. But in the end you were only just protecting one another. He had to focus on his dream and career; you had to have the chance to live a normal life with a normal relationship. But that didn’t go exactly as planned. Swallowing harshly; you refocused on the recording room before you.

He seemed so focused, so passionate about what he was doing. Of course Cheolyong had always been really devoted to his job and dream. It meant the world to him and it seemed that hadn’t changed. But what would have? You couldn’t help but wonder if there was something else – or rather someone else – he was perhaps passionate about. Was it wrong to hope he wasn’t? Biting your lip in shame at such terrible thoughts, you realized you weren’t supposed to care. Then again, you also weren’t supposed to be here. You sighed loudly, eyes still glued to the man before you. Gosh, you felt so pathetic.

 His every move, his smiles and the way he pursed his lips together; it was hypnotizing you. It did not matter you had no idea why exactly you were here. You simply were and it felt good. And it was when you realized that and felt the extreme happiness at the sight of him, that he suddenly shifted and his eyes wandered of to the window you were standing behind. Could it be that you were getting no air? Or was it simply the emotions in that moment that were too overwhelming. He had spotted you almost instantly. You couldn’t exactly analyze the look he gave you; it was something you had never seen before. Confusion? Pain? Apathy? You had no idea what it was in his eyes and it was killing you. But he was looking at you…

Not a single smile came unto his lips, until…. His waving hand attracted your attention and pulled you away from the look in his eyes you didn’t understand. Before you knew it his lips curled into one of his lovely smiles. It felt as if your entire body, your entire being was about to explode. Not once in your life did you feel such overwhelming emotions. And in that moment you knew you were going to stay until he came out. You wanted to stay. Forever.

Nerve-wrecking wasn’t even close to describing how you felt while waiting for Cheolyong. All the other fangirls had been sent out, but you insisted you knew him personally. The staff member had asked him and you felt your heart jump up as you saw him nod at the person in question. Yes, you could stay.

You tried to figure out what to say to him. But it took you so long to find the right words you weren’t even halfway through your mental preparations when you heard his voice say your name. “________” his delicate voice almost whispered. Your eyes moved up instantly, glued onto the man before you who was staring at you with a small smile on his face. Everyone else had left the room by now, leaving the two of you on your own. “Cheolyong.” You replied, returning the smile nervously. “Why… why are you here?” he asked you seconds after an awkward silence. You bit your lip in shame, unsure what to say. “I just… I guess I had to see you.” You admitted, shrugging lightly. “Why?” he said again, sitting down next to you on the couch. You felt aggravation at his words: what did he expect you to say? “I don’t know.” You replied, looking down to your hands on your lap. “What do you mean you don’t know?” he asked this time. You groaned softly, why was he pushing it like this? Why was he putting you through this when you had no clear answer to give? Didn’t he understand how painful this was?

“I just don’t know Cheolyong! I just had to! I just had to see you okay!” you replied a bit more fiercely this time. You buried your face in your hands, trying to fight hard against the tears that were trying to escape from your eyes. He was silent for about a minute before you felt him shift. You expected the worst; thinking he would walk out on you and leave you here with your unsolved, miserable business. Clearly you were the only one still stuck in the past. But all of a sudden you felt two warm familiar arms shift around you, pulling you into a hug.

“I missed you too.” He whispered softly into your ear. And for the first time in months you felt a huge burden fall off your chest, together with thousands of tears that were now soaking his shirt.