Seunghyun sighed and reached in his crumpled pack of cigarettes for another stick. He knew he shouldn’t be gripping the box this tightly but he was too far gone now to stop. Too far gone in his emotions to care. All he had now was his thoughts and the automatic pull of taking a stick out to burn, puff, and start over again.

Ever since that law had passed he has been feeling anxiety overwhelming him. He knew that Korea was filled with traditional Korean people with traditional Korean values but it didn’t make it sting any less. He knew he would probably never be able to marry Jiyong. He accepted that long ago but this was an entirely new level.

In 2011, both he and Jiyong decided that they were going to start laying the foundations for their life together. Seunghyun started looking for acting roles and Jiyong worked more on producing and song writing. They still performed and met with fans, went on variety shows, but this was different. They went as grown ups. They weren’t kids any more. They got that out of their systems and wanted to be taken seriously.

. They even learned how to cook basic Korean dishes that their mothers would make them. Seunghyun couldn’t count the hours he spent with his mother in the kitchen, tying to make the perfect Korean staples for his perfect Jiyong. He would take the dishes by late at night to Jiyong who he knew would be up working on some song or another or passed out on the couch, sometimes his chair. Nothing compared to the look Jiyong gave him when he woke up to see him with a steaming bowl of food that his boyfriend had made himself.

They tried so hard and worked so much for each other, for the day Big Bang was no more and they could live more private lives. Every day he would look online just to see it, just some little sign they promised to give each other to let each other know they loved each other and they were trying. The bracelets, not one, but three. Black, blue, and gold. As long as he was wearing one of the three he knew that Jiyong still loved him and wanted to spend his life with him, no matter the bull that came from his mouth for the rest of Korea. In turn, once a week he would wear something they shared, a jacket, shoes, ring, something. He would send the picture to Jiyong because he knew he wasn’t always being photographed as much as his younger boyfriend.

This has been going on for years but one thing happened that both made him cry and his blood boil. In August 2012, Seunghyun woke up to a text from Jiyong. He smiled at first but as soon as he read it he knew something was wrong, so very wrong. Look at Korea Joongang daily. That’s all it said.

He rushed to his computer feeling intense dread. If this was anything like Dongwook had to go through, they were done for. They would be poor and shunned from society, despite their fame. He felt his nerves bundle up. He kept telling himself that they could do this. They would never break up. They could take whatever the media gave them. But it wasn’t the media throwing the punches this time. It was the government. And boy was it a nasty right hook complete with brass knuckles.

A law had been passed about adoption in Korea. Jiyong had always wanted to be a father and seeing him with children over the years made Seunghyun’s heart melt. He would be the perfect father. He was stern but understanding. He was fun but serious. He knew when to be R-rated and when to be rated-G.

It got to the point where Seunghyun was so worried about his stopping Jiyong from being a father that he fell ill. He was so thin. He didn’t feel like eating much and he smoked more. He could see Jiyong worrying but he didn’t want to tell him. If he did, their relationship could end there. If not, they would have an elephant in the room.

Eventually, Jiyong asked him with tears spilling down his face what was going on and why he would be doing this to himself. Seunghyun told him it was nothing for several hours laying on his bed before Jiyong’s persistent asking and tears had him in tears of his own.

“We’ll never be able to have children, will we? I’ll never get to see you become a father while still being with me.”

“Shh…shh…don’t cry. It will all be okay. We can still be fathers.”

“How Jiyong? How?”

“We can adopt. I know it isn’t the perfect answer you were looking for but I’m sure one day there will be a child out there with a nose just like yours and eyes just like mine wanting to call us their appas.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. We can even adopt them right after they are born so they will always seem like ours. Now, go to sleep before the sun starts to come up.”

“Okay. I love you, Jiyong.”

“I love you too, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun exhaled and beat his head on the railing on the roof of YG building. He knew this wasn’t the place to have these thoughts but they were on repeat and he couldn’t find the switch to turn them off. His hands shook. He wanted Jiyong to be a father so badly, so much that he was thinking about eloping to America with him just so it could happen.

The law that was passed said that anyone wishing to adopt in the Republic of Korea needed to apply for one and take that appeal to court. Then, in front of a judge and jury they had to plead their case as to why they deserved to adopt. They then decided if they could or could not. It also stated that babies are required to stay with their mothers for 6 weeks before being put into foster care. This made it less likely that the children would be put up for adoption. This law was valid only on children placed into foster care after the law was passed but it still meant that Jiyong or himself would have to appeal in court for a child. He could see the headlines already. It wasn’t like he or Jiyong looked like a good traditional Korean couple or even individually.

With Jiyong’s piercings and tattoos and his past “scandals” he would have to make a strong case as to why he would make a great father for this child. This made Seunghyun’s head boil. That they would probably never see past his skin. That they would never see that that makes no difference to a child. He tried his best to stay as clean cut and free of scandal as possible.

As the weeks and months wore on, Seunghyun started feeling doubt. This law wasn’t going to go away. Only one person was granted adoption and that was because the mother had died in childbirth and the father was engaged to her, not married. He felt the pressure building. He would never have a child to call his own. He would never see Jiyong give their child a piggyback ride. There would be no family vacations or family portraits. No image of Jiyong gushing to him about their child’s first steps. Still, he saw Jiyong wearing those bracelets. It was his only sign of hope.

When Big Bang went to the US on tour he left LA early to go to New York. He left Jiyong in the trusted hands of Youngbae who was sure to distract him. Seunghyun spent part of his free time studying his script but the other part, the anxious part, looked at adoption regulations in the state and even apartments. He felt the stress taking over him. He could hardly smile but he needed this. He really needed this.

As time wore on, up until this present moment, Seunghyun started to prepare himself for Jiyong leaving him. He pushed away. It was hard for him to look at his face and not think of Jiyong smiling while holding their child. He would leave him. He would marry some woman and he would be smiling at her as their child grew. They would look just like their parents and would pass on the bloodline that his country was so obsessed with.

Seunghyun shook with sobs, lips loose from the emotions and tears let go of his forgotten cigarette. He wanted it all. He just couldn’t have it all. He had to accept this. He curled up in a ball on the cool concrete beneath his feet. He watched the Thank You special that Jiyong was on. He talked about retiring and getting married to a lovely woman, having a daughter who was a ballerina. He showed off his cooking abilities to the nation. He had only showed those skills to him before. No one else needed to know, unless he was leaving him for someone else, that is. His smile was so bitterly beautiful. He kept his eyes on his wrist but he kept his sleeves long enough that he couldn’t tell if there was a bracelet there.

Seunghyun scrubbed his face with his hands. He knew he should be hiding from Jiyong, making this last as long as possible. He just couldn’t. it was inevitable. So, he decided that he would wait, for hours if necessary, for the time Jiyong would come up to have a smoke of his own.

Then, as if on cue, Jiyong emerged. His face was long and the circles and bags under his eyes weighted. He pulled out his lighter and pack from his pocket. He lit up and walked up to the railing, not even looking at the lump, a short stride away from him.

“Hey, hyung.” Jiyong muttered as he exhaled, still looking out at the city as opposed to the listener.

“You knew I was here?” He asked.

“Of course. I know you.” He stated simply.

Seunghyun looked down at the gray surface, in the silence, not daring to look at Jiyong when he knew what he would say to him.

“So, are you going to do it now?” Seunghyun asked with a thick voice. The tears were about to come and Jiyong hadn’t even said it yet. . He was such a baby.

“Do what?” Jiyong asked as he flung his cigarette to the ground below.

“Break up with me. Break up with me so that you can find the woman of your dreams who can give you children and make you a father. Break up with me so you can keep your family’s name and bloodline going. Break up with me so you’ll never be ashamed. Just…break up with me.” Seunghyun sobbed, his head hung low.

“Choi Seunghyun, look at me.” Jiyong said in a soft but firm tone.

Seunghyun looked up to see Jiyong crouched down in front of him. His ears were bare from metal or jewels. His face free of any makeup. His hair had no product and swayed slightly in the light breeze. This was Jiyong, plain and simple. His brown eyes filled with care locked onto his own.

“Choi Seunghyun, you are my one and my only. We will have a family one day. Some way, some how, we will, and we will be the best appas in all of Korea. For now, we just need to wait and roll with the punches. If Korea really can’t see that we would make excellent fathers, we will move elsewhere, but that day is far from now. So, let’s just enjoy what we have now, okay?” Jiyong cooed, his hand on top of Seunghyun’s clenched ones.

Jiyong was always solid ground. His smiles brought him back to reality where he was the luckiest man alive. Sometimes Seunghyun would be Jiyong’s ground. They took turns because when you have fallen, you always need someone to catch you or you would spend eternity in panic, falling, falling, falling, until you disintegrate into nothing.