Listen to this while reading :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wD-fZu8Z0U

Sleep. Practice. Sleep.Practice.Sleep. Practice.

Everyday the same Routine , everyday the same complaints coming from people I have seen for months , no years , but still can´t name .

Work harder, Luhan .
Smile more, Luhan .
Sing louder, Luhan .
Dance better, Luhan .
Become manlier, Luhan .

I am looking at this one particular dark spot on the floor of the practice room number 4 on this late summer evening while the warm breeze coming from the window over my head makes me shiver slightly. It has been there since I started being a trainee for SM and it guarded me trough rough times .When I was dancing till my knuckles felt about to break in two , when I was singing till I thought my vocal chords would rip , while I was  being scolded and  when I was crying my heart out. And now ,  at this point in my live , in this very moment while I sit with my back pressed up to  one of the big mirrors , legs pressed up to my chest ,I will call this spot my only true friend. Not like my soon to be members , managers or fellow trainees who always think about themselves first ,  regardless of feelings or anything else that has nothing to do with their so-called  "showbiz" .
 

No the spot was different , it was the only reliable thing in this whole company. But still, the mark  was only one of many. I don’t know why exactly this spot attracted my attention .Maybe because he was darker than the rest. Maybe because he wouldn’t go away no matter how hard the cleaners tried to clean it?
Maybe it was just as stupid as me , staying in this whole company even when you are not more than a bother , a nuisance to everyone around you .
I smiled at this thought . My grandmother always said
 

"Stupidity is the most precious skill human race can have . "
 

There was never a time I wished this saying to be more true.
Then I would have an excuse for being stupid. For sometimes forgetting the dance steps they thought us 5 minutes before, for  letting my voice crack when I try to reach the high notes , for needing to sleep or for getting sick . Then I would have an excuse for being imperfect . Because being imperfect is not what everybody wanted.
Everybody around me wanted 100 % .And even if I gave my 1000% ,it was still  too less for them . They will always find something to criticize .May it be my dancing , my singing , my hair or my non-existent abdominal muscles . They will never stop scolding me and they will never stop saying that we don’t know anything , that we should let them handle anything . They are the hyungs , they know what to do . And I have no other choice then to bow down and accept it . Because either I follow their lead and bend or break and get kicked out of the agency .
And I am smart enough to know that I can´t find any agency that is better than SM or any agency that would be willing to take me . After all , I am a Chinese who just learned Korean 2 years ago  therefore  my Korean is not good , my singing skills are also just medicore and I sometimes dance like a whale  . Well , that is at least what the managers , dance instructors and all  vocal coaches tell me . I , myself have already forgotten how I saw me 2 years ago , if I was a good singer or even  a great dancer .If I was one who always held his head up high and stood up for his rights . If I was someone who never questioned his skills or if I was like I am now.Pitiful and not worth even the last peace of respect.
 

All I did in the last two years was pushing myself to my limits while slowly loosing myself to a dream that seemed always so close I could touch it with the tip of my pointer finger  but far away in the next second , In the progress becoming a shadow of myself.  Being a singer , debuting in a group , that was all I wanted and still want. I just want all the hard work to get appreciated , my sweat and tears forming in smiles and laughs while I rock the stage with my band mates. I want to have my own five minutes of fame , and I want that even if people didn’t remember me as a single person they should at least remember what my group had once done . I want to go on variety shows , I want to crack bad jokes and I want to give signs so long till my hand hurts. I don’t want to sit in this sticky room , facing my reflection in the big mirrors , seeing how far away I am from this dream . How lost I am , how I eventually get bad and reach my own expiration date .
But  at the same time I don’t want to complain . Nobody forced me to audition , nobody forces me to stay in this company . I can drop out anytime I want ,its not like I count anyways. Its just that I get everyday a little more sick of me . Of me being a weakling , of me starting to break into a billion little pieces while I always swore to me that I will stay strong . And over all , I get sick of me being alone. I hate being alone more than anything and then I could get angry again , because I was so foolish to believe that the rumors weren’t true. That showbiz is not that cruel , that there could friendship exist and that everyone would debut and become a big star. I ,being the blinded me , ran into a world full of selfishness , hate and envy. A world I despised when I was younger , a world I am now a part of . This was the world I choose for myself and now I have to live with the consequences. Even if  I am hurting .

I notice how with every piece of me breaking apart, there is a voice inside me screaming in pain . Screaming at me for being too weak to hold myself together , to show the world that I am somebody. That I am not just that boy  who sings medicore and lacks everything else. That I am not a nobody  people will forget eventually . That I can be someone who looks in the sky with a raised head ,  a proud and confident look on the face . That I am strong enough and that I will make it .
If believing this just wouldn’t be so hard...


Whenever I try to stand up after falling down all that will come is a new wave of problems and hardships that will brush me of my feet again . The tiniest issues become the biggest problems in the whole world , the words that seemed to be nice sound mean and angry in my ears . The world turns from colorful and warm to grey and cold in seconds. The hope of better times inside my chest starts fading away again .
And my expiration date is slowly crawling closer.


While being in thoughts I don’t realize how someone enters the room , or how someone sits next to me , waving with a pack of tissues in front of my face .
Did I cry ? ...I didn’t realize that .
Ashamed I take the pack from his hands and start wiping the tears . I never showed anyone this weak side of me , I always had a smile on my lips even if I wanted to cry hard .
Well now , I guess , its time for someone to uncover my little secret .
"You okay?" the boy next to me asks. I remember him to be a new trainee . What was his name again ..Jongun..?Jongin..?
While I am in deep in  thoughts about his name I don’t realize how he is starting to look at me weirdly because I didn’t answer his question . When I make no move to answer him he asks again ,while nudging me by my shoulder.
"You okay ?"he asks in his thick-accented , broken Chinese  .
I snap out of thoughts and quickly nod .
"Sorry you had to see this ." I say while bowing , letting my hair feel into my eyes.
He thinks shortly and then nods.
I flash him an awkward smile and then I just feel like not talking anymore and lean my head on the mirror  behind me , staring up at the ceiling .
Its quiet for a while just our breathing is heard , the atmosphere is not awkward even with none of us talking . Its just us two , being in the same room , sitting next to each other . Not more , not less.
And I like it that way because I somehow know that even if we are from different worlds , we ,in this moment , share the same dream , the same hardships and the same way of thinking :

Enjoy this peaceful silence because silence is the thing people are most eager to find.


I turn my head and look at his profile to realize that he has a little scar under his eye. Non the less he looks quite attractive, I must admit.
I smile at me acting so stupid now  , in all of the moments I had to find someone attractive I must choose this one .The only moment that seemed perfect as it was, without me staring at him thinking thoughts I shouldn’t think .
When he suddenly looks at me I jump a little but still I can´t tear my eyes away from his eyes. They are deep and almost black . And as longer as I stare into them the more they tell me. They tell me that having weak points is okay , that as long as you work hard enough you can be perfect in anything you want . That breaking under their stares is no option and that a dream , doesn’t matter which dream , is worth of being lived .
All of this is what he  tells me without saying even one word. In this moment I and him are like one person . Our planets that were galaxies away just a second before suddenly clashed and mixed. His pain was a pain I went trough before, my problems became his problems and his faith in  life and dreams became my faith  too.
"Do you want a coffee ? I know a nice place ..." I asked after staring in his eyes for what seemed like hours.
Maybe you will think what I am doing or thinking is childish and only happens in some sappy romance novel or always happy-ending Hollywood movies but this was no movie .This was the reality and reality told me that with Jongin by my side I can be strong enough to face all of them , that I will work harder , smile wider , sing louder , dance better and become the most coolest person  they have ever seen .
 

 Maybe we are not speaking the same language in words but we are speaking the same language when it came to our feelings and lives. Feelings don’t need words to be transported .
And I don’t need words to understand anymore.
I don’t need words that pull me down , tell me that I am bad because deep deep deep inside me I know that all of those words are in the end just words. Nothing more.

And when he nods and stands up while offering me a hand I know that eventually my expiration date will come but before this , my date to shine will come too .



a/n

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