# 4 : Loss -- "Can't Accept" [The very first guest story on board!]

All credit goes to mspanda97 for writing & sharing this heartrending story.

Starring Zelo and XX.  Written in Zelo's POV.

I could only stare at the board.

I could hear the chatter, as everyone sat down.

The drill of the bell was numb to me, my mind was an empty state. 

I couldn't accept it. 

Note: In this story, Zelo is not a part of B.A.P. He's just a regular kid, who very into performing and participates in his school performing arts program. The name of whom Zelo talks about here is kept omitted out, for personal and private reasons. You can use any name you want.

I was running late, as usual I didn't hear the sound of my alarm, or multiple ones that I had. I grabbed my bag, scarfed down a bowl of rice in the kitchen, put on my shoes, and rushed out the door with my skateboard. I got on campus five minutes before the first bell, with my earbuds on while listening to a new song on my mp3.

"Ah~ I'm not late!" I let a breathe of relief out as I headed to my first class.

This was a usual routine for me. Wake up late, rush out the house, and get to school. I thought today would be another day where I made it by.

When I got to my seat, before I sat down the upperclassmen that usually sat in front jabbered on about their weekends as usual on a Monday morning. This time what I heard was different. It wasn't some assignment they forgot, or some new clothes either. I didn't believe my ears.

"Hey, did you hear? XX XXX passed away."

"I just heard too, they seem just fine too. Healthy and everything."

My brain was as slow as a snail computing what I just heard. Did I hear that name right? It must be someone else, a mistake.

"What's their last name?" I asked one of them. I had to confirm that my ears were wrong, that the name just sounded the same.

"I think it's XXX right?"

"Yeah that's it, spe..."

I zoned out after that. I wasn't hearing things. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

RING! RING!

I could only stare at the board. I could hear the chatter, as everyone sat down. The drill of the bell was numb to me, my mind was an empty slate. I could barely hear my teacher ask for us to pull something out, or the lecture that started. I wanted to rush out of my class and run to the fine arts department, where class should be going on normally. Not like the gut feeling that I had. The feeling that everyone would be in mourning.

This isn't true. It can't be, I mean we talked just last week! XX was fine! Hanging out with the rest of us and helping out at rehearsals. This was just a bad dream, and when I went to the class we have together, XX will just be sitting there as usual.

The intercom came on.

"Excuse me, bu..." The voice of our principal could be heard crisply, "student... passed away... in honor..."

This was a sick joke. I couldn't, I CAN'T accept it. The period ended, just like that and I barely even remember how I sat through the next class. When I went on to my performance class, I had a feeling in my gut telling me that this was reality. I didn't want to hear it. when I got near the building, I could already see one of my sunbaes in tears. They had been really close with XX, and they were bawling their eyes out. I looked away, absolutely voided of any emotion in my face. I couldn't accept it. It felt like I reached my classroom too soon when I got there, and I didn't want to go in.

I did, and everyone was there. Our directors, actors, our class. Except for one person. One desk, that was in the middle of the class where XX always sat. Empty.

It was the seat right by mine, I could only stare at it as I walked by it and sat down. I heard the sobbing of my classmates, saw the rims of their red puffy eyes and the numb looks of shock some of them had. I was still in shock.

Our teacher was just as dismayed, but she tried not to show it. Trying to get us through, but she kept talking about XX anyway. I turned my head to my side, and all I got was empty space. It was really true. XX was really gone. Even before i finished turning away to do who knows what, I felt the sting. The sting of tears that had been threatening to fall since I first I heard. I pain in my chest that dropped as it dawned on me that it was true.

And they fell.

They fell and wouldn't stop.

I felt the tears slide down my cheeks, and my vision blurred.

All I could do was stare ahead and clench my fists wishing them to stop. They wouldn't. It was all true but I still couldn't grasp it.

XX

Dead.

I remember the times we talked, and the impression I had when I first came. I had been a transfer here, and I didn't know anybody here long. But I meet them, and got to know them. And XX was one of them, and every person in this room was a friend to me. Hearing the news of losing one of them was unreal, but really hitting me with the full force was unreal.

XX had been so young, not even an adult. I never had a single bad memory of them in the time since I arrived. Not a single bad thought at all, nor a single bad word about them from ANYONE here. XX was a good person, and their death seemed so unreal.

I remember the first time I saw them perform. From the usual goof to a 180 degree change when acting. It's unfair. I wish this was just a bad dream where I would wake up from, but it's not.

What was most unfair was how I found out. I wish someone here had told, someone who was a friend who actually KNEW XX. Not from someone who just talked about it as unfortunate news that didn't know really KNOW XX. What was most cruel was how people that didn't know XX spread the cause of their death. The lies that person made, spread out to the rest of the school. But we knew it wasn't true, because XX would've never done those things. And we knew how XX died.

Heart Attack.

A heart attack at seventeen.

Cruel World.

If I ever, no if ANY of us found who spread such lies that person would not see the light of tomorrow.

All this is unreal, and unfair. But if there was one light on justice out of this is that XX got live doing what they loved most before dying.

Acting. Whether performing on that stage or rehearsing with us, XX was doing what they loved. That is the one thing death can't take away: Having lived a life doing what you loved, even if it was short.

That is forever a thousand times over better, than living a long life without a dream.

If anything, the saying

"Life can end at Anytime"
is true.

Live your life aspiring after your dreams, and don't lose them because you don't know what can happen to you.

This is in memory of my friend.

3-3-13

Click for link to the original story . I want to shout out a huge thank you to mspanda97 for writing this story and sharing it! <3

It is sure a heartrending story and I couldn't have imagined how it feels if I had to accept a loss of someone very precious in my life if not for this story. It's true that we have no control over how long we will live. So to all the readers out there, let's live our lives with a purpose since we only have one chance and we never know when we will lose it!

Thank you again for reading! Jeongmal kamsahabnida!~ ^^ Hope you enjoyed the first ever guest story on board! :)

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