"Poor Sam!" Kai wailed as fat tears rolled down his cheeks. "Nobody understands her FEELS! What a rude family!" A half-empty bottle of soju sat forgotten in one hand as he used the back of the other to scrub the salty substance from his face. If Kai had ever bothered counting his drinks, he would've lost track after the fourth that night anyway.

    "I'd never forget your birthday, man," Lay sobbed, flopping down sideways onto the floor as he continued bawling his eyes out. With his cheek smashed into the carpeting, he brought the bottle he was holding to his lips and took a sip. Lying on his side the way he was, and drunk the way he was, it was no surprise that more of the liquid ended up streaming down the side of his chin than ended up in his mouth. He showed no sign of caring, or of even noticing for that matter.

    "Dude... Jake... He's kinda hot ."

    "Sam's too nice, man... She's too nice."

    "But why is Jake dating such a ! Sam is WAY better!"

    "Jake is such a sweetheart," Lay sobbed. "How is he real?"

    "They just don't make 'em like that anymore."

    "It's so unfair!" Kai cried, taking a long swig of soju before continuing. "I try so hard, but I just can't match up to him!"

    "You try. That's what matters. I love you, man."

    "I love you too, man."

    "Thanks."

    "No. No, you don't understand. I really love you, man. Like, I would take a bullet for you."

    "You think I don't understand? I would throw myself down on a sword for you."

    "I would swan dive into the Grand Canyon for you."

    The night—or morning, depending on how you looked at it—progressed in much the same way. They watched a plethora of sappy romance movies and feel-good romantic comedies, drank far more soju than was probably healthy, cried their eyes out in sympathy for characters' plights, shed plenty more happy tears when things went right, reaffirmed their love for each other, and even spread the love to some of their beloved friends via drunken phone calls. Additionally, Kai got some research done. Around sunrise, the night was deemed "legen—wait for it—dary!" and the two finally passed out in drunken comas.

O O O O O

"You've reached Kris Wu. Leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

"H-Hi, Hyung. I know you're unhappy with me a lot," the voice broke off in a sob. "But I just wanted to tell you that I love you. 'Cause I really do, y'know? I mean, if your life depended on it, I would strip and wrap raw steaks around my smokin' body and cannonball into a shark tank. I would! Because I love you so much, Hyung. You have no idea. You don't have to be unhappy all the time, frowning with those angry eyebrows of yours the way you do. I want you to be happy. I want you to find a pretty lady of your own species to marry and make sweet little angry-bird babies with and live happily ever after and . I want you to find someone who will put up with whatever freaky stuff I know you're probably into. You deserve to be happy. I know it seems like you'll never find someone, but even if I have to give up my entire measly life savings to pay someone to take you and pretend to love you, I will! Because I love you so much, Hyung!

"I just wanna know something though, Kris," his voice changed, shameless crying giving way to unquestionable anger. "Why are you SUCH a all the time?! I mean, seriously, what is up your ?! I try, and I try, and I try, but a person can only do so much! You are DRIVING ME CRAZY! I j-just—"

    The voice broke again as he choked out a sob. "I don't know what to do anymore! I just want to be your friend!" the voice wailed. "Why can't we get along?!" The wavering voice continued for another minute or so, but the intensified sobbing rendered the remainder of the message completely unintelligible.

O O O O O

"First unheard message. Today at 4 AM."

    The sound of uncontrolled sobbing and nonsensical mumbling made Kyungsoo frown as he listened. The noise ceased after a moment, as if the person on the other end realized they'd missed their cue. A shaky voice spoke, "Hyungie, I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided I have something I need to get off my chest. S-So I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen, mkay? -sob- S-Sorry, I get a li-little emotional when I've been drinking. K-Kris says I become an emotional . He can be so hurtful. Anyway, I just have this feeling, y'know? When I'm with you, there's this feeling—like in my chest, I guess. It's like we just have this sort of connection. I can't explain it. It's like we were brothers or friends or comrades or something in a past life, and we've found each other again. So I guess... my point is, can we be better friends? I want to get to know you better. I want to know everything about you, from your favorite food to the freaky you're into—'cause everyone's into their own freaky , it's just everyone's freaky is different, y'know?" Kyungsoo couldn't help but chuckle at how Kai could be so him even while he was plastered and talking through tears. "Well, Lay's about to put on the Notebook, so I have to go now. Goodbye, Hyung."

"End of message. To save, press seve—" Beep.

    Smiling now, Kyungsoo set his phone down on the table and looked up as the door opened and Junmyeon walked into the dorm. "Hey," the older boy said cheerfully, setting his backpack down on the floor. "You look happy. What's up?"

    Kyungsoo replied, "I got a drunk voice mail of my own from Kai. I guess he and Lay were at it again last night."

    "Oh yeah? What was it this time?"

    "Romance, maybe?"

    "Interesting. Oh, the new episode of our drama is on tonight. Are you gonna join me to watch it, or do you have plans with Baekhyun?"

    Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. "You know I don't make plans on drama nights. You get settled in, and I'll make us some lunch."

O O O O O

    "I'm telling you, I'm like the Korean love guru," Kai insisted. He stuffed a piece of kimbap into his mouth and chewed, looking at his clearly disbelieving friends sitting across from him.

    "If you're the love guru, I'm a star," Kris muttered.

    "What led you to this conclusion?" Chanyeol asked, deciding to humor his friend for the time being.

    Kai shrugged. "I just have a knack for these things, I guess."

    "Is this like the time you declared yourself to be a lazy genius?" Kris asked. "As I recall, you quit school and decided to come up with a multi-million dollar idea, but came up with some sort of beeping cellphone strap."

    "Hey, the BeepIt 3000 was an innovative idea! If you ever lose your phone, the beeping strap will help you find it!"

    "The thing just ing beeped. All the time. It had a switch, but that meant having to turn it on before you lost the damn thing! And on top of that, it took TWO double-A batteries. And didn't you do a test run for it? You had to put in new batteries after the first day!

    "It was still in the testing stages, . I was still working on a more energy efficient option, remember?"

    "What I remember is your mom flipping and threatening to cut you off if you didn't go back to school and get your together. I also remember you sleeping at Chanyeol's place for a week because you didn't have anywhere to go after you were no longer enrolled in school and your mom wouldn't let you back in the house until you came to your senses."

    Kai huffed, rolling his eyes. "So that was one fluke. That doesn't mean—"

    "I also recall a time when you decided you wanted to be a famous artist, but had to be dead to reach the kind of fame that you aspired for. You tried to fake your own death by jumping off the bridge that runs over the lake and swimming away underwater. That plan failed when some underwater plant touched your leg and you rushed to the surface, shrieking about the loch ness monster. That was only your first attempt at a death ruse, and it failed just as splendidly as every plan after that. Even if you'd managed to pull it off, I doubt that your macaroni art and finger paintings would have brought you much wealth."

    Kai was just sitting across from Kris, glaring down at the table. His older friend was always killing his buzz. "Okay," he sighed. "So two—"

    "Then there's the time you decided to be an advice blogger. People hated 'Randy Andy' so much you had to end that dream a week in. Oh, and your stint as a fortune teller made you some fast enemies. That was a pretty amusing one to watch."

    "You find joy in my failure, don't you, you sadistic bastard."

    Kris continued, ignoring Kai. "Oh god, and your little ghost hunting business was the dumbest I've ever—oh, and the time you decided to be a ing life coach!" Kris rolled his eyes dramatically, chuckling sardonically. "That took the cake."

    "I hate you. So. Much. But you know what?" Kai's mouth morphed into a demented grin as he leaned across the table, face frighteningly close to Kris's. "I'm gonna help you out."

    Kris narrowed his eyes and slowly pushed his friend back into his seat. "What the hell are you talking about?"

    "This sounds like a perfect job for Kai—"

    "Oh this can't be going anywhere good."

    "I feel like you set him up for this," Chanyeol muttered back.

    "—the Korean Love Guru!" Kai finished off his dramatic proclamation with waggled fingers and firework show sound effects.

    "Whatever you're planning, Kai, I don't want any part of it," Kris told him.

    "Too late! You're my main project! I'm gonna find you the perfect lady to melt that stone cold heart of yours!"

    "This is gonna be good," Chanyeol said, snickering.

    "You too!" Kai pointed exaggeratedly at Chanyeol, eyes gleaming.

    "What! Kris is the one that needs to get some action! I get plenty on my own, and you know it!"

    Kris scoffed.

    "But you, my loveable bucket of weird, get too much action. I'm worried about you."

    "Loveable bucket of...?

    "You need a nice lady in your life to look after you and who will stick around in the morning! You need a healthy romantic relationship."

    Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

    "Not so funny now, is it," Kris glared.

    "Whatever. If I get something out of this, what do I care? At least I'm not the sad sack who just desperately needs to get laid."

    "I do not! I do just fine on my own too, thank you!"

    Kai and Chanyeol just stared at him for a few moments... before bursting out into loud, raucous laughter that had people around the quad looking over at them.

    "That's ing funny," Kai gasped out, clutching his stomach. Kris just glared.

O O O O O

    "Just the guy I was looking for!"

    Kyungsoo snapped his head up, startled, to see Kai grinning down at him. He was sitting outside of the coffee shop on campus, trying to squeeze in some study time before his next class. With the sudden appearance of the unpredictable dancer, however, he realized that that was probably a lost cause. "U-Um... You were looking for me?" Kyungsoo asked.

    Kai nodded and sank down onto the bench beside Kyungsoo. "I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to worry, okay?" Kyungsoo stared into Kai's gently smiling face, thoroughly confused. "Things are gonna look up for you, buddy. Just you wait."

    "...What are you talking about?"

    Kai's face lit up at the question, as if he'd simply been waiting for the opening. "I've got a grand plan, and you're going to be part of it! See I—" He trailed off and Kyungsoo noticed the sudden loud groaning noise that could only be the younger boy's stomach. Kai cringed, moving one hand to clutch his midsection. ", I'm starving." He leapt to his feet suddenly, face bright once again, and tugged on Kyungsoo's arm. "Come on! I need food, so I'll explain on the way!"

    "I really can't go anywhere. I have class in a little bit," Kyungsoo insisted, beginning to pack up his belongings.

    "Don't worry, I'm paying!" Kai grabbed Kyungsoo's arm as soon as he had straightened up with his belongings secured in his backpack, and began pulling the shorter boy along with him.

    "But I have class!"

    Ten minutes past his class start time, Kyungsoo found himself sitting across from Kai in the dining hall. The younger boy had barely made a dent in the sizeable feast he had laid out before him, but was still managing to talk nonstop while shoveling food into his mouth.

"So then the angel stripper was all 'there is fate, but it only takes you so far' because like once you get there, it's all up to you to make it happen. And you could just FEEL it man, like the renewed hope and determination and ; it shone in Preston's eyes and I was shouting at the screen 'YOU GO GET THAT .' But before he could run off she gets all serious and is like 'Don't make my mistakes. if you want him, you need to get back on the phone and call Barry Manalow and tell him how you FEEL!' He tries to deny it, you know, explain that it's not Barry Manalow he's jonesing for but she's just like 'pfft, it's all good. I was into Scott Baio, who am I to judge? We all have our own things' and just how TRUE is that. We all like our crazy . And then she gets into her cab and rides off into the sunset; well if there was a sunset--it's kinda the middle of the night, but you get the point. And I mean, that just speaks to me, you know?"

    When Kyungsoo realized Kai was watching him expectantly, he started. "O-Oh yeah, I... guess," he stammered, realizing he'd sort of zoned out a few minutes into Kai's animated and detailed retelling of the plot of some American 90s movie he and Lay had watched the other night.

    Kai nodded and shoved a forkful of rice into his mouth. "So anyway," Kai continued, speaking around a mouthful of half-chewed food and making Kyungsoo cringe, "then Preston—"

    "—Kai!"

    Kai snapped his head up at the sound of his name being called from across the room. Two guys Kyungsoo had never seen before approached the table, but his eyes remained on Kai's face. He watched as the excited, youthful expression and air about him seemed to melt away, and he suddenly found himself sitting across from the charismatic golden boy of the university's dance program. It was in these moments that he thought perhaps he really didn't know the other. Kai talked with the two boys about some assessment they had coming up in one of their classes, and Kyungsoo merely watched him.

    And as he watched, he began to understand what Baekhyun and all of Kai's other admirers seemed to see in the boy. It starts with the way he holds your gaze, draws you in and holds you there with hooded, smoldering eyes. Eyes that promise you your deepest desires and more. Eyes that make you feel like you're the only thing he sees. And those lips. Those lips, pink and parted, slightly slick from the tongue that darts out from time to time to wetten them. Slightly swollen from the teeth that bite gently, teasingly.

    Hair falls in his eyes, but he only as eyes for you. A hand moves to rub his other arm and your eyes follow. He's long fingers and sun-kissed skin. Muscled and graceful like a dancer, and contained strength; predatory.

    Hair falls in his eyes, and he's drawn you in; before you realize what you're doing, your hand is in the air, moving to fix it. He doesn't blink.

    The boy in front of him freezes. Excuses are made, reddened cheeks are turned away, and footsteps hurry away. Kyungsoo didn't realize Kai had turned his attention back to him until there were fingers—long, lean fingers—waving in front of his face. Kyungsoo coughed, covering his mouth with his hand and clearing his throat for good measure. He hoped the heat he felt in his cheeks wasn't as apparent as it felt, and he lowered his gaze to the table as he went back to eating.

    "So," Kai drawled, leaning forward on his elbows. His crooked grin was back in place, and Kyungsoo swore he was getting whiplash. "Birds or bees?"

    Kyungsoo nearly choked on his sandwich. "Wh-What?" he managed after coughing a few times.

    "You know, dudes or chicks."

    "H-Huh?"

    "You know, I don't really even know what that means. Birds and bees. Which is boys, and which is girls? Or is that even what it's referring to? If it's not that, what is it referring to? Actual parts? Like and—" Kyungsoo choked again, and Kai raised a brow. "You should really be careful. Drink some water. You can't die on me." Kyungsoo nodded silently, taking a long swig of his water. What was he doing here? "Anyway, whatever you're into, you'll get no judgment from me. I'm not the type to judge. Well, unless you're one of those people who double dips in a communal bowl of dip, or drizzles ketchup on his fries instead of dipping, or doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Because those are serious deal-breakers. That's not all, either. There are other deal-breakers, stuff like peeing in pools, not liking chocolate, not liking dogs, wearing turtlenecks, coughing or sneezing on food... I don't remember what I was talking about. Anyway, I don't need people like that in my life, and neither do you, believe me. Damn, this pizza is delicious. Do you want a bite?"

    Kyungsoo looked up and froze for a moment. Kai was holding his half-eaten pizza out, his dazzling smile in place. How could someone say no to that face? Kyungsoo nodded and leaned in. He took a bite from the offered slice and Kai retracted it, taking another bite.

    "So, tell me a little about your friends."

    "My friends?"

    "Yeah. Like the tiny, crazy one who's got hearts in his eyes every time he's around Chanyeol. And your roommate who I don't think I've ever actually seen. Oh, and the pasty kid who loves me. He's a cutie."

    "You think Baekhyun is crazy?" Kyungsoo couldn't help but see the irony in that. Kai merely nodded, face serious. "Um. Okay, well. Baekhyun's cool. He likes to drag me to clubs a lot, but I have fun with him. Junmyeon's nice. I'm glad I have him as a roommate, rather than Baekhyun or Sehun, honestly. He's neat and responsible, so we match well. And we like to watch a lot of the same dramas." Kai looked amused. Kyungsoo scrunched his brow, thinking that he probably came off as really boring. "Anyway, then there's Sehun. He's cute. And he gets himself into messes pretty often. It just makes you want to look after him."

    "Is he hooking up with your roommate?"

    "Wh-What?! No. Why would you think that?"

    "He came out of one of the bedrooms at your place when I was over there. He looked like he'd just rolled out of bed."

    "Oh, no. He just likes to hang out there a lot. He sleeps in our beds and eats meals with us a lot, too. If the day ever comes that he finds someone, I'll be relieved."

    "What about you?"

    "Hm?"

    "Do you have someone?"

    Kyungsoo shook his head slowly.

    "Oh—OH! I remember now! That's what I was going to talk to you about earlier!"

    "What?"

    "You don't have to worry your pretty little head over this, okay? I'm gonna take care of it. I'll find someone special just for you."

    "H-Huh?"

    "These days, people are calling me the Korean Love Guru."

    "...Are they now?

A/N

Bonus chapter 3: A tale of Lay's adventures on Hoth. (aka a story that takes place during Lay's stay with Luhan and Minseok)

Kai is kind of bipolar, both when he's drunk and when he's sober. His sober sides are pretty obvious. His drunk sides... well, he tends to switch back and forth between a sobbing mess and very angry.

It's been pointed out to me before that Lay doesn't seem to have a unique personality, and is just like Kai. This actually isn't true, but it may seem that way if you're just reading this story line. He actually tends to draw from whoever he's with. So when he's with Kai (which is pretty much the only time he appears in this story line), he's kind of crazy. Because Kai is crazy.