“I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this to myself this month, Nun.” Minseok says softly as she sits on the fluffy rug of the bathroom floor, petting the cat purring in her lap. “I said I wasn’t going to do this to myself- or to Han this time. But here I am again, getting my hopes up. And odds are I’m going to be disappointed. Just like every other time before this.” She looks tired and drained, scratching the cat under the chin as the silence of the room seems to mock her. She should have used the egg timer and not her phone. At least the ticking would give her something to focus on.

“Do you remember when Han and I first started trying? Things were so different. I can’t believe how hopeful we were. Why did so many people tell us this was going to be easy? That getting pregnant was so simple?” Minseok can’t help the tears welling up in her brown eyes. “We’ve done everything right, Nun. It’s not fair.”

--

Ten years ago Minseok and Han met at college orientation and hit it off right away. It was a whirlwind of a romance and Minseok and Han were inseparable. It only took three months before Han bought a ring and proposed Minseok in bar, while Manchester United played on the televisions in the background. It was love and it was intense and it was life or death for them.

After engagement, they agreed to move in together. Minseok decided to drop out of school and work, to help support Han as he made his way through college. Her parents weren’t thrilled, but Minseok wasn’t sure what she wanted to do anyway. They promised both their parents that they’d wait a year before getting married and due to stress and busy schedules, they ended waiting two years. In a white homecoming dress and a navy suit, Minseok and Han got married in court in the company of their families.

That’s when the baby fever really hit. Minseok was ready to be a young mom of twenty, but Han still had two years of school and suggested they wait. Graduation came and went but Han was firm on waiting. “Let me get settled in this job before we start a family.” “Don’t you want to buy a house so the baby can have its own room and not and office/nursery hybrid?” “Don’t you think we should travel a bit? I’ve been studying for four years with no breaks. Let’s go somewhere.” Excuse after excuse was spilled and Minseok had nothing but her own selfish feelings to battle Han’s excuses.

But waiting causes bitterness and resentment. And before Minseok knew it, she was praying for a mistake. She prayed for Han to change his mind. She prayed to God asking why she had to wait so long. Why could her high school friends have their children and yet she had to wait? The more often she would think about it, the more she would get angry. And the more she was angry, the less time she wanted to spend with Han. And so, the wedge was in place, slowly driving them further and further apart.

Minseok had her breaking point just before their nine year anniversary. At twenty-seven, she went back to her parents’ house with hopes of somehow being able to start her life over. That maybe she could find a man that would love her enough to agree to children. She was there two weeks before Han broke. He called her crying, saying that he needed her in his life. That he wanted her to have his children and that they could try. He had just been so paralyzed with fear of being a father. He didn’t want to mess it up. He just wanted Minseok back because he was nothing without her. And so she went back, because she could think of a life she wanted without Han by her side.

That was the first time they tried. It was a whim and when her period came, they were okay. The smiled and agreed that it would have been too soon. They needed to spend some time together and fix their problems. The second time was disappointing, but they had only been going off of Minseok’s fertility app on her phone. By the third period, Minseok decided it was time to do some research.

Pregnancy books were bought, TTC forums were visited, and the amount of they were having increased a bit. But cycle four was a bust and Minseok was starting to get sad. Tears were shed and Han didn’t know what to do. Next cycle cervical mucus was checked and a thermometer was purchased. Prenatal vitamins were taken. Minseok began charting religiously and felt happy that she was beginning to know her cycle. Feeling confident when she started to feel random symptoms she never got with her period, Minseok was elated. She was positively glowing and even had Han feeling giddy and excited.

And then her period came again and her world of hope and excitement was shattered. The next couple cycles were not given any excitement and Minseok was sure she had run out of hope. Each time a BFN or her period showed, anger would creep back in. “Why did he make me wait so long?” “I’m old. I’m sure this would have been easier at twenty when I wanted to start instead of twenty-eight.” They were tough demons to battle. And some nights she went to bed and cried herself to sleep. She’s tired already. She just wants her dream to come true.

--

The timer from Minseok’s phone startles both her and the cat. She watches as Nun runs out the door, leaving her alone. Mechanically, she reaches out for the test to view the results.

I promise I'll try and work on my other stories guys. So sorry. OTL