I didn’t expect today to come so fast. I promised myself I would keep it together, just for today. I had to.

 

I remember it clearly, the day I told my father I wanted to be a rapper. He grunted, with that piercing look, the look he gave me when I refused to sit and listen to my mother whine on about pretty dresses and all that gushy stuff. That wasn’t me. I hated it. He took one last look at me that day, and told me that if I ever dared utter another word about music, or rap for that matter, he would want nothing to do with me. Bit harsh, but when was he not?

 

I stare at my reflection in the mirror, taking note of my imperfections, my lopsided smile, the smile that hardly exists sometimes. I can’t really stand smiles, or smiley- happy go lucky – people. The only smile I could ever stand was Yongguks’. He’s been the best elder brother I never had. Truthfully, he got me into the whole rap debacle. But I don’t hate him one bit for it, if anything, helped me find myself. Being friends with him for around eight years has taught me a lot, and one thing is to always ignore the hate. So whenever I think back to the times my father spits out vile words in response to my pleas of auditioning, I overlook them every single time, in hope that he’ll see sense one day, that he will understand me.

 

 

It’s 8pm now, and I have one last thing to do before I leave. 

 

‘I’ll be back for Christmas, and I’ll ring you all the time.’ I mumbled, staring deep into my mothers’ saddened eyes.

 

‘You do us proud, Jinnie. You come back with that First and show the world what you’re about.’

 

I momentarily shut my eyes, tightly, hoping she would forgive me later on. I didn’t want to complete a degree in anything, let alone Biology. I hated science, and absolutely could not stand to follow in the steps of my brother. He didn’t really give a about me, like my father. He wasn’t even here; the moment I was leaving the house for what they thought would be three years of studying. I was lucky I was allowed to live on campus. I expertly picked a University further away, to help with not getting dragged home every day.

 

‘I will. I’ll do you proud.’ I promised. Even if it was not in the way she expected, I promised us both I would do us proud.

 

I grabbed my suitcases, and my shoulder bag towards the taxi, giving a small smile to my mother as I finally got in the taxi, ready to leave. I didn’t want to cry, but I felt sorry for lying to her, for doing this to her. Only she understood me, and my dream, but still she would always end up siding with my father.

 

‘I’ll be seeing you, then.’ She whispered, taking my hand, before I had chance to shut the door. ‘You take care. I love you.’

 

‘I love you, too. Bye.’ I whispered, trying to sob silently as tears slid down her face. ‘I can come visit on weekends, don’t worry.’ I nudged her, smiling wholeheartedly.

 

‘You better!’ She sniggered. After a moment of silence she gave a nod, and shut the door.

 

…

 

Only Yongguk and I knew where I was heading, and it was not University. I was auditioning today, and possibly becoming a trainee, should I succeed. The thing is, I wasn’t going to be entirely myself. I had thought about this a lot, and the only way this was going to work, the only way I had a shot at it, was to change myself. I’m not into that whole plastic surgery scenario, since I feel quite contempt with my body and looks, but I needed to seem less feminine. Not that I didn’t look it already. I mean, I hardly wore skirts, dresses, anything pink or whatever. I would rather dress in black, white, just crisp and clean colours that didn’t really define my personality, not properly anyway.

 

After weeks and weeks of rowing, disagreeing and not speaking, Yongguk understood me. I didn’t know what I did, but he agreed. I had told him everything about myself, just everything. I didn’t mind getting personal, but he knew what I had been through. My family didn’t agree, they don’t. But still, I want this more than I have wanted anything. The moment Yongguk agreed, I stood there like a lemon, trying to take in what he had said to me.

 

‘If we do this, we do it right.’

 

I understood. I couldn’t believe him, but I understood.

 

…

 

I spent last night at Yongguks house, as we both agreed to travel to Seoul in the morning. As I got into bed, he barged into the guest room with a pair of scissors. I raised an eyebrow, ‘Seriously, Guk?’

He nodded and rolled his eyes, ‘How else will this work, then?’

 

I let out a small yawn and shrugged, patting on an empty spot on the bed, ‘Get it over with, then.’

 

It was now 8am and Yongguk was ready, but I wasn’t. I was still in bed, trying to ignore the fact that I had to be up. As I shut my eyes to fall asleep, yet again, Yongguk barged in and threw my duvet on the ground.

 

‘Up. Now.’ He said sternly. He wasn’t a morning person, and neither were I. But I listened to him, with a few mutters here and there from pure frustration, and most probably laziness.

 

Yongguk waited for me as I tied my laces to my black leather vans. Taking each ends of the laces slowly, wasting his precious time, I tried to knot them through one another but I was just too tired to do so. Yongguk sighed heavily and kneeled on the wooden floor, slapping my useless hands away as he quickly tied my laces up, shoving them into the insides of my shoes as he knew I only wore laced shoes in such a manner.

 

‘Now let’s go.’ He hissed, as soon as he finished.

 

I didn’t argue because when we had morning arguments, we would usually not speak for a week if it was serious. Even when it was a pathetic argument, it was mostly rare we would speak before a week. That seemed to be the weakness in our friendship, our stubbornness. Other than that, we seemed completely fine most of the time.

 

‘You know, if this works, you’re going to be really careful, I mean, really.’ He said as he locked the front door behind us.

 

‘I’m not entirely thick, Guk.’ I muttered, frowning at the light specs of rain which seemed to hit my nose and trickle down my cheeks.

 

‘I wasn’t saying that. Just, we’ll work it out. It doesn’t matter, leggo.’

 

I sniggered at his way of words and he just shrugged as he walked on.

 

…

 

Once we arrived, a half hour later due to the subway being congested, Yongguk suggested we got some breakfast and tested me on my boy-ish tone which I would need to work on, still.

 

‘Good, good. Just a little more harshness … that should cut it.’ He advised whilst scoffing down a muffin. I wasn’t really hungry, more so nervous, so I refused to touch anything. I stuck to drinking water and on-looked my friend gulping down a considerably icy Frappuccino.

 

…

 

‘Well?’ Guk asked as soon as I left the audition room. I didn’t really know what to say except let out a tear or two, and this confused him all the more. ‘They said.. They said I’m through to the next round. You?’

 

‘Thank god.’ He smiled and pulled me into a hug. I pushed away after a minute, hoping no one saw that. ‘Uh, well this is good.’ He mumbled, knowing how awkward I felt at this moment.

 

‘Yeah, it is.’ I confirmed, and we both took a seat for our next calling.

 

It wasn’t for a while but we finally got called in, together for once, to showcase our ability to dance. If it wasn’t for Yongguk, I would be well and truly ed, since he taught me how to dance a little, just stuff we practiced from films. Honestly, we both didn’t feel we could dance but we weren’t horrendous.

 

…

 

‘Bang Yongguk, Kim Jaewon, step forward.’

 

We both looked at one another as we were called forward, hoping it wasn’t bad news.

 

‘Through. We’d like to take you both on a probationary period. Exit to the left and gather a probationary contract.

 

We weren’t expecting to be given a chance so quickly, but we had spent time putting together mixtapes prior to this whole experience, and sent them to the agency.

Yongguk was smiling brightly as he grabbed my arm and dragged me out.

 

‘.’ I muttered, trying to take this in. He said nothing and instead, screamed loudly, thanking God. I sniggered at his foolishness as other auditionees on-looked our celebrations.

 

It was clearly explained to us, the way in which the probationary period would work.

 

For the period of three months, we will review and assess you as a trainee. We may put you in group situations, with the expectation of excellent communicative skills, patience, timing, the ability to strengthen your weaknesses with your trainee friends. At the end of each month, three of you will be leaving, to leave only six trainees whom will be given the opportunity to train further under us, and possibly debut in the near future.

 

The monthly reviews are taken very seriously and we expect nothing but professionalism through these periods. We expect all trainees to work well together and build good relationships. You will be housed in an apartment of eight trainees. Take care of those in your block, they may be the ones you later debut with, should you meet our expectations.

 

 

I looked to Yongguk once I read through the introduction. ‘It seems straightforward. But I’m just wondering, there must be only a select amount of trainees being picked if only nine are leaving in the next three months.

 

‘Yeah. I heard there will be around sixteen of us. So that means two apartments. Since he said we’re housed in eights.’

 

I nodded and continued reading as we took a taxi to the apartment, to be given access to our keys.

I looked at Yongguk as soon as we opened the door, to see six other people sitting on the two sofas, all whom seemed immersed in the TV.

 

I was worried my identity wasn’t concealed well enough. Yongguk knew how nervous I felt when I met new people, and having to hide something on top of that, I panicked.

 

‘Hey! You must be our last two room-mates!’ One of the guys exclaimed, staring right at me. I fearfully broke eye contact within seconds and tried to rush out, telling Yongguk I needed water and air.

 

‘Is he alright?’ I heard one of them ask Guk as I proceeded to leave.

 

‘Sure. It’s just happened all too fast.’ He sniggered. ‘I’m Bang Yongguk.’

 

‘Oh, should I go after him?’ A young looking guy asked, staring at me as I quickly turned back to the door and opened it. ‘I will.’ He confirmed and followed me out. I knew what Yongguk was thinking, that I’d give myself away, knowing me, but I was determined not to.