Death seemed to be near as time passed by. Days took long like years as I wait for my tears to dry. It all seemed frustratingly different. The air felt colder than it should, the floor seemed rougher than before. I try to snap myself out of this yearning. The yearning for him to come back. I still sat near the door, the same place that I retired to as he exited the apartment. It's only been 2 weeks but the pain didn't seem to fade and kept on lingering. I wondered what would become of me if he wouldn't come back, but those thoughts would only bring me to the edge of oblivion.

My breath staggered as I took a shaky step, pulling myself upwards. Memories flooded my mind again and as soon as it came, tears threated to fall. I shake them away before dragging myself to the bedroom. I knew that if I stayed a while longer, I would've lost myself.

He wasn't a person that was easily forgotten. His smiles and laughs are still engraved in my mind and heart, no matter how hard I try to erase and forget them. I failed too many times to forget him. Although times did come that it felt like I was dying, I couldn't let this go.

On November 6, his familliar scent brought me to this numbness pain. He had told me that he was leaving for a job in Seoul. At first I didn't believe him, since we always joked about having jobs even though we didn't have ones.

"I'm serious. I'm leaving in 2 days." I dropped the brush that I was holding as I stood inside the warm bathroom. I cleaned my mouth, at least tried to... My hands kept on shaking and I didn't know how to respond. His warm arms embrace me from behind and he nuzzled his face to the crook of my neck, almost inhalling my scent. 

"Say it. Just tell me to stay and I will." Even though his voice was muffled I understood perfectly. I didn't want him to drop something because of me. His family depended on him a lot and I didn't want to risk his future in this job. I decided to be the man that I was and encourage him on. 

"Go. I'll be fine. I'll be leaving in weeks anyways." I said it even though it was a lie. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. The truth that I had a job a few buildings away from our apartment so that I couldn't leave him. But because of his message, that job wouldn't be reasonable.

I took drinks behind his back. I didn't want him to suffer anymore but I let myself do the suffering. There were nights were I felt like I was drifting away but there were some nights were I knew those impecable things that may or will happen. 

I was scared. Scared that maybe he wouldn't make it in Seoul and suffer the consequences. I was scared that maybe he would find his internship hard and give up on the world. I was scared that maybe he would find someone there to accompany him. I was scared to lose him. I mean he wouldn't. Would you agree to let your loved one go cross borders and die in war? 

The day that we parted was the hardest. It seemed like the apartment lost its colors as his footsteps echoed past the hall. I wouldn't dare say goodbye to him. Cause' if I do I feel like I was going to break down. I was a mess inside. I didn't want to show my weakness. 

There were many times that he asked me to tell him to stay, and all those times I stopped myself from saying so. Maybe I was a coward. I wouldn't want to be selfish. Our lives wouldn't continue if we were stuck in this loomy apartment. 

Time stopped as soon as he left. But I knew that a new day would start as soon as he had left. But nothing came. The numbness was there. But nothing else remained. I must have spent days or weeks in that state. Until I finally had a breakthrough. I decided to follow him to Seoul. Even though I haven't been there. I would try my best to find him. Or at least try to.... The odds of it was a million to one. I would probably ask Ahra for it. But I'm to scared to do so. He is her sister. 

By tomorrow, I'll probably start a new day. A new day of everything; a fresh start. Maybe things would go back to normal if I would stay positive. But I knew I never will. The pain of first love is too much.Even though we werent together; even if we only seperated, it all felt like a breakup to me. 

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