Behind Closed Doors.
us.L.Joe's POV
It was never supposed to be like this.
Never was our legs supposed to tangle with each other, under the warm sheets of our shared bed. My cheek pressed against his exposed chest, listening to the soft thumping of his heartbeat, repeatedly, as if it were on autoplay. The sound was calm, steadied, as if it were a metronome, snoring continuously without fail. Our heat intertwined and mixed within the wrinkles of the cloth that composed the feeling of home. Every night, after the pleasure subsided, the heavy feeling of exhaust took its place, drowning us into unconsciousness. It was then that we were most peaceful, most at ease, and most of all, content.
But we weren't always this way.
Hell, we weren't even in love.
Our acts were acts of lust, and lust only.
At least, it was supposed to remain that way.
It actually all started with a slight issue, well, not for me. But for Chanhee.
Of course schedules that day were pretty hectic, but when we were able to settle down into our own dorm rooms, things calmed some, and everything was the way it had always been. Work, eat, sleep. But that wouldn't last for very long.
I had just finished taking a shower, letting my roommate occupy the bathroom after me. But he seemed too distracted to even think of it. I didn't know what he was up to, but I didn't want to know either. He only approached me with desperate eyes watching my every move, as if it were an inticing sight to him. His tongue poked out from between his lips, and at that moment, I knew something was off.
It wasn't until my gaze descended down his figure that I found out what was troubling him.
My eyes slightly expanded, followed by reddened cheeks. And I was so sure he knew what came across my mind, because before I knew it, my body was already forced back inside of the bathroom.
His eyes were narrowed, consumed with desire, a sort of depth hiding another feeling among them as well. But I didn't think it through, considering my back had already impacted against the wall with his hands marking my body with his touch. My mind was lagging behind, still trying to get past the idea of him actually wanting this from me. Actually wanting to do something like this, with me.
Actually wanting me.
Gazing up into his eyes, I could not see anyone else, but our eye contact was subtile, before he ravished my neck with kisses, markings, and bites. My reaction was more inviting than I intended it to be, drawing my neck back with my eyes slid shut, huffing against the ripples of his hair.
I could not remember what came after, but I only knew it went pretty far. Our bodies were stripped from their clothing, and the bathroom was flooded with soft moans, seductive words, and our actions of lust. And I was drowning in his embrace, suffocating from the heat of his hands that seemed to smooth out my insecurities, drawing out another side of me.
A side of me that I didn't recognize, because I never knew it existed.
Not until then.
Not until our affair.
But we never spoke of it, not even to the members of our group. It was between us, and us only.
But even then, we never discussed about it much.
They were always small talk, and never elaborate enough to go into detail, such as why it happened. It just did.
And moreover, we were much more concerned as to when we were able to squeeze it in with the busy schedules that consumed most of our time rather than why we did it. The answer was quite obvious anyway, we wanted love.
We wanted to feel love.
And since we shared a room, there was always something to look forward to.
Every night, behind closed doors, we would continue our fling.
The second time, my frame was crammed into the corner of our room, his body directly facing me.
At first, he appeared to be a bit uncertain, lifting one eyebrow and staring intensely into my eyes. But I did not see very much, it was dark after all.
But I imagined him, the exquisite details that made up his features, from his forehead to his chin. I imagined it all.
And I could see him perfectly, under the dense blackness of the room.
Somehow, I was soothed by the image I projected of him, and I could tell that he had sensed it. There was no fear between us, and that was the motivation that urged him to lean closer into me before there was nothing in between us at all.
Not even air.
His lips would move smoothly against mine, softly, but also roughly, as if he wanted more. And I was just as anxious as him, letting his tongue invade the privacy of my cavern and tasting the flesh that stirred against mine. I could not feel anything lurking on my skin, but the traces he left were evident from underneath, heating the adrenaline swerving throughout my body. And I was gradually losing myself, under his control, and under the satisfaction he provided me.
On the third time, my back sunk into the mattress of our bed, with his laying gently on top of me. We did not look at one another, but we felt each other, with our hands, and our heartbeats. Mine had somehow increased in pace, out of nerves, I had guessed, but that wasn't it.
I was falling, falling in love.
But I did not know if I was falling in love with Chanhee, or if I was falling in love with lust.
Because I could I not tell, and I could not see. But I felt it in the crevice of my soul, I felt love.
His hands roamed underneath my thin shirt, sliding the hem up to expose my stomach. I was trapped, but I didn't mind it, instead, I encouraged it, letting my hands return his gestures of affection, or lust, it was difficult to tell.
I felt his lower body press up against me, harshly, rushing our time together, but it was expected, after all, we had never had much time together to begin with.
My back arched, pushing myself up against him as a sign for more, in which he understood. In a flash, I had somehow become stripped of my clothing, but he was as well. And there were no blankets to interfere, but there were people. People like the members who knew better than to disturb us when we locked the door of our room.
"We're going out, you guys want to come?"
And the answer was always
"No."
Just like that, they were gone, and we continued sinking into lust's ocean, with my body underneath Chanhee's, and our frequent rocking made it hard to hear anything other than our own moans echoing throughout the room.
It was then that I realized what I loved. I loved Chanhee.
I might've not have known if this had never occured, but the thought of doing this with anyone else, it was just no good.
And if that was the case here, I was not in love with lust.
For me, there was only Chanhee.
And that's when I also realized that this was not love, because he did not feel the same way.
The whole time, we were not making love. We were simply touching one another, thinking it was love.
And that's why I had stopped abruptly, telling him to get off of me, but he only answered with a confused expression.
So I repeated myself, "Get off."
He obeyed, but if anything, he looked more hurt instead of confused. But he didn't question it, instead, he laid beside me, quietly, as if I were asleep.
But I was wallowing in my own self-pity, wondering why I couldn't have a proper relationship, and why I let myself be drawn to someone like him. I fell for his trap. I fell for it like a fool.
My heart was slowly deteriorating, and it was at that moment that I felt another embrace, not a ual one, but more of a loving one. It was warm, for the first time, I felt warm.
And it was from Chanhee.
"I'm sorry." He had said, whispering closely into my ear, "I didn't mean to force you into this."
I was speechless, but I knew that we had to talk this through, I needed answers, and he needed me.
"Was it love?"
"What?"
I turned my head to face him, losing myself in the depths of his concerned eyes, "Did you want me... out of love?"
His eye sockets slightly widened in shock, but he did not seem to be disgusted like I thought he would be. He appeared more relieved if anything.
One word.
One word was all it took for me to return his warm embrace, enveloping myself in his heat, and smearing my lips onto his. It was all it took for him to receive my message and slide his eyes shut, smoothing out his lips against mine, slowly and evenly. His tedious blush had darkened some, but I couldn't care less about it.
I cared more for love, not the physical kind, where it is necessary to expose it to the public. Not the ual kind, where we touch each other with lust, but the kind where we don't need to inform everyone to know that we love each other. The kind where we're not only touching each other's body, but also each other's hearts.
The kind where you can't simply touch, but you have to feel.
Not feel it on your skin, but underneath it, flowing throughout the courses of your body, and consuming the hollow spaces of your heart.
And in those hollow places, I will fill them
with the love Chanhee had given me.
And I will do the same for him.
Until our hearts are filled completely with one another,
and until our bodies are fully satisfied by one another,
we will continue to make love,
in the place where lust used to be,
behind closed doors.
A/N: Sorry I write angst too much seriously. And I know my writing style is sooooo weird, so thank you for putting up with me asdf. Anywho, I hope you guys liked this one, even though it was -ish. Not really, not directly. LOL. MAYBE NEXT TIME GUYS.
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