White. That was all I was seeing again. Not flashing anymore. Just white.

I walked around the area, looking at its plainness before even realizing that I wasn't even stepping on something to walk on. This made me panic and I ran.

But it seemed that the road was endless. Or if you even call a colossal place with no road, a road. Everything was white it hurt my eyes. Even if it wasn't flashing, it was still kind of blinding.

A thought came into my mind. Is this heaven? I thought. And as I thought about it, it made me smile. I was now in heaven. I was now free. Free from any problems.

Free from Jongdae.

Jongdae.

Jongdae.

His name set me thinking about him. What happened to that guy now?

But, why would I even worry? I should be happy I wouldn't be seeing him again.

I gave myself a wide smile for the thought. And little by little, I felt Jongdae disappearing in my mind again.

-

TWO YEARS AFTER

I was already starting to think this place wasn't really heaven in the first place. Because if it was, I wouldn't be worried about anything anymore. Right? My face wouldn't show any signs of disappointment and--- regret for not seeing one certain person again and again.

Kim Jongdae.

Here it was again. My heart started beating faster at the thought of him. And what I felt made me chuckle bitterly. Do dead people even have hearts for it to beat fast?

But, how was he right now? These past two years all I have been thinking about was him. How he was doing, how he was able to cope up with everything after my death.

Oh. It's as if I'm someone important to him. But no matter, I was still thinking about him even now.

I was deep in my thoughts about him I didn't realize the usual whiteness I started to get used to for two years disappeared, leaving a view of the bus stop.

I was surprised. This view my heaven showed was actually a first time so I was surprised. And a realization came into me.

I was thinking of Jongdae on the usual favorite waiting bench on the bus stop. And I just made it come true.

I could view places if I just thought about it.

My eyes instantly searched for a man with prominent jawline, and with anything I remember about him. The buses were blocking my vision towards that waiting bench. I waited for the bus to drive away. And at last it did. And at last I saw him.

He was sitting on the waiting bench, his elbows on his knees and his hands were covering his face. He was wearing a fluffy black coat. His lips were the only ones visible when he was covering his face.

I started walking slowly towards him. Then my feet suddenly betrayed my mind and I ran my way towards him. Now I was in front of his figure. I was already in front of this ugly figure I felt happy not seeing it before. But now I was here. I could already see him. At last I've found him.

"Jo-Jongdae." I managed to whisper.

No answer.

"Jongdae." I said a little bit loud.

No answer. He was still on his position.

"CHEN." I said, a little bit irritated. Usually when I would call him, his ears would 'perk' up right away and look for the source of the voice.

Then he removed his face from his hands. He looked straight at the opposite sidewalk. I smiled widely and bent down to meet his line of vision. But when I did, my smile faltered.

His eyes were red. His smile was not visible on his face anymore.

This Jongdae wasn't the Jongdae that I used to know. Now he was like a living dead.

A ghost. A dead man with nothing to think of for the world.

"Jongdae?" I waved my hands in front of him but he didn't even notice it. He was still staring at the opposite sidewalk.

"Hi, Jongdae. It's been two years already." I decided I would sit beside him. Oh how I missed sitting by his side.

"How have you been these past two years? Have you been progressing with your studio?"

Silence. Only the honks and other things from vehicles could be heard.

"Oh, I'm sure you're already progressing. And I'm sure a lot of companies already plan to get you for being a singer. You're a great singer, right? And-- and--" I decided I would say this to him.

"And you know well I like--- no-- love your voice, Jongdae. I love the way you hit the high notes so right it makes my heart melt."

He was still silent when I looked at him, my lips pressed into a thin line. But then I continued on.

"I- I love the way you tease me with that little-bit-of-high-pitch voice you have. I love the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh whenever I call you a jerk and anything insulting. I love the way you glre at me when I call you 'Chen', I know you hate it, but I just, loved calling you that. I love the way you hold my shoulders and make me expect for a hug, but instead, a push." I chuckled slightly. But his face still showed no happiness. Just-- sadness.

"I loved the way you were Jongdae. What happened to you now? What happend to the happy-go-lucky Jongdae I used to know?"

"What happened to the Jongdae I---- fell in love with?" I could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. I touched his right shoulder. I loved holding him like this. It felt so real.

But was he feeling the same way?

Oh, he shouldn't be. I'm already dead.

Just then, a bus stopped in front of the bench. He started to get up and walk towards the waiting bus.

"Jongdae, wait." I said and I reached out for him. I walked faster to catch up to him. But he was already inside the bus and the door already closed. The bus then drove off immediately, leaving me behind, running to catch up to Jongdae.

"Wait! Jongdae! Wait!" I shouted and I ran after the bus. But it already disappeared. I went down on my knees, and without even noticing, tears were already falling from my eyes.

Jongdae. I should've told him before that I didn't really hate him. I never hated him.

The usual earthly road disappeared and I was back to my white heaven.

-

Now I concluded that this white place wasn't really heaven at all. If it was, I wouldn't be crying my heart out for a man who changed a lot.

Why, just why?

Why did he change into a ghostly-like Jongdae?

Then I remembered.

It must be me.

I thought of one place he would go for me. And then I concentrated my mind on that place.

And at last, the whiteness disappeared again and a cemetery came into view. A cemetery where my dead body was buried. Even though I was already dead, I could still feel the cold breeze. I entered the metallic gates and looked around for my tomb. And after a long walk, I found it.

I stared at my tomb for minutes before I felt someone was behind me.

"Hello, Haesung." I turned around and there he was.

Kim Jongdae, holding a basket of roses. He always knew I loved roses.

I smiled. He was here. He still remembered me.

He went near the tomb and sat down, placing the roses on top of the 'stoneage'. He cleaned up imaginary dirt on the stone with his hands and after he was done, he smiled.

Jongdae finally smiled.

"Today I got hired in a famous company called SM Entertainment. They wanted me to work with them together with other boys they were going to get and they would form a group. It seemed like a nice offer."

No Jongdae. It was such a great offer they were so lucky they had you.

"But I turned it down."

My smiled turned into a frown.

"Why would you do that?" I asked him. But he didn't look at me. He looked straight at the tomb. He gave off his laugh. But this time it showed no sign of happiness. It was kind of like, forced.

"I'm sure you would be asking me why. So why, really? I wouldn't have time with you anymore if I accepted it, Sungie." That nickname. How I missed that name you called me Jongdae.

"If I accepted it, I wouldn't have time to go here and have some happy times with you. I wouldn't be able to talk to you about things. I would be really busy I would be leaving you alone. And I know well you hate being left alone."

Silence.

"Jo--"

"I know you told me you hate me before you died. But I just want to tell you that even though you said that, I didn't care about it. I didn't care about the words you said because at that time, I just cared about you. I didn't want you to die. I didn't want you to leave me. I didn't care if you called me a jerk, idiot, bastard, anything. I just wanted you living, that was all. I just wanted you with me."

"But now, you're dead. And there's nothing I could do about it. And you know what, I think I'm going to stick with you for me being such a jerk for not saying anything about my feelings for you, Haesung."

No you weren't a jerk, Jongdae. Not at all. You were never a jerk.

The wind blew and the strands of my hair went dancing with it too.

"I-I- I loved you ever since we became friends. Or should I say I loved you right from the start, Sungie. But I never told you that. Because if I told you, you would stay away from me and even forget our friendship even existed. So when you were about to die and you said hurtful things about me, I just laughed it off weakly, because I couldn't even hate you for doing that."

“I-I love you even though you hate me that much.”

Before I knew it, tears fell down on my cheeks.

He had taken it seriously. He really thought I hated him. God, no.

 

Please give me one more chance to prove him wrong.

“Jongdae, I don’t... I don’t hate you. Please know that.” My voice was almost a whisper. But I doubted he would hear it anyway. No one could listen to a soul.

But still.. I was trying.

My eyes were already a blur because of the tears. I did not notice he was already gone.

What was left was the roses.

I bent down and read a note posted on the basket. And this just made me cry even more.

 

~Happy 2^nd Death Anniversary, Yoon Haesung

Sincerely, Your Chen~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=____________________=

AND A BIIIIG FAIL! :'( 

I'm so sorry it didn't reach your expectations. :( 

I was trying to make angst and-- yeah-- this nothingness was the result. TT.TT

BUT! I hope you liked it even though it was a piece of... XD

Okay, I'm going, :) Leave your comments and etc. if you want to. ^^~

//Roni