Jiyong stared at the glaring monitor in front of him. It was late at night, or was it early? He could hardly tell the difference in the dark studio. He had been working for several hours. He mostly tried to fix this one part that just didn’t sound quite right. Over and over again he tweaked it until he didn’t even know what the original sounded like.

He pulled at his hair exasperatedly. His friends knew he was in pain. He was usually glad his friends could read him but sometimes he just wanted them to be left in the dark. They took him out clubbing and made him dance when he would rather just drink and black out.

After the tour ended he felt like a huge chunk was missing. It had taken up so much of his time and energy that when it was suddenly over, he didn’t know what to do until his own tour. He wrote and composed songs, spent countless sleepless nights on social sites, and beating himself up for not doing more.

All of his band mates were doing so many things and seemed content. He knew he should be relaxing, sleeping, and just enjoying himself before the stress of another world tour kicked in but he couldn’t. He felt restless and the hole he felt just wouldn’t be filled, not with anything.

He sighed and shut his eyes only to rub them. He did this before the tour when he felt so empty. He felt so content then. So, why wasn’t he feeling it now? What was different?

He tried to search his memories but his hazy, exhausted mind wouldn’t let him search its contents. He minimized all of his work programs and brought up his fun browser. Instagram, twitter, a couple of portal sites, and one that he has been refreshing for days.

He knew they were all busy but he still checked. Phones could be hacked, people could see their social sites, but this was one place where they could talk openly without anyone judging. It was the only place he would come. Big Bang’s chat room.

Little Seunghyun was always logged in, Bae checked in when he was looking for someone to hang out with when all his friends were busy, and Daesung liked to check in when he felt homesick but they weren’t the reason Jiyong kept refreshing the page.

Seunghyun hated social networking and kept forgetting that a phone is meant for talking to more people than his mother and his acting friends. Seunghyun, since the gold medalist incident of last year, checked the chat room quite often. He didn’t really say much but Jiyong knew he was there. It was comforting.

He leaned back in his chair reading the chat feed from earlier. Daesung rambling about how much he missed Korean food and Seungri being understanding. They made plans to meet up in a few days but to be more careful than before. Jiyong rolled his eyes. More mischief from those two could be bad. Youngbae was wondering if anyone was able to get lunch this weekend. Ugh. Too far away. Why does he always plan so far ahead? Then there was Seunghyun.

Jiyong’s eyes glazed over as he read Seunghyun’s cute simple questions. He was back in Japan and kept asking what simple phrases meant. Seungri and Daesung kept trying to explain but Seunghyun kept getting lost and making them frustrated. The conversation seemed to end after a little while and Jiyong sighed. He missed them. Maybe that was the hole he needed filled. Why did he keep missing all the conversations? Right as he thought that he heard a ding and he sprung up in his seat.

SH: Is anyone there?

JY: Hey.

SH: Woah. Living dead is actually speaking?

JY: Living dead? What are you talking about?

SH: That’s what we have taken to calling you on here cuz you aren’t quite dead but you aren’t alive either.

JY: Shut up! :P

SH: You work too much. Why do you work so much?

JY: Well, why do you work so little?

SH: I want to enjoy life, not have it control me.

JY: Yeah…well…

SH: Are you okay, Ji?

JY: Yeah. I’m fine.

SH:  Where are you right now?

JY: Studio.

SH: I should have guessed.

JY: What does that mean?

SH: What are you looking for?

Jiyong stared at the monitor with wide eyes. How did he know? He couldn’t possibly know about the hole he had inside of him, could he?

JY: What do you mean?

SH: You know what I mean. I have been there, trying to find something to fill the emptiness you feel.

JY: I told you I feel fine. You are reading way too much into this.

SH: I went to that sushi place again.

Jiyong sat there, feeling a slight ache in his heart. He went there without him? The last time they went there was about 2 months ago. They ate all the rolls they wanted and drank sake until the room was just a warm blanket around them. They talked about anything they wanted to but Seunghyun made one rule: no work talk.

At first it was difficult thinking of things besides something that took up almost his whole life but as Seunghyun talked animatedly about his adventures around cities where no one recognized him, and the books he last read, and teasingly creating the picture of what he might look like with Jiyong’s latest hair crazes. He melted into it all, his voice, the sound of clinking dishes and hushed chatter in the background. He laughed. He talked. He joked. He felt so free.

He tried not to cry as he tried to decide what to say. He had always thought of it as their place. Maybe Seunghyun didn’t feel the same way.

JY: Oh really? Did you eat a few extra rolls for me? ^^

SH: No. But I did drink enough sake for us both.

JY: You should take better care of yourself.

SH: I miss you.

Jiyong sat there staring at the message. As he read it over and over, he realized what the hole was. Seunghyun. The tour and working on solo work and promotions and advertisements helped mask the pain but now as things were slowing down he realized what was missing the whole time.

Seunghyun was gone so much for filming his movie during the tour and while Jiyong promoted his solo work that he didn’t notice the gap. Then as he thought harder about his current situation, the anger started to rise. Why was Seunghyun not around? He was done filming that never ending movie now so why wasn’t he spending more time with him, just like they used to? Why was he gone to Japan to leave him alone in Seoul?

JY: Funny way of showing it.

SH: Jiyong…

JY: No. You listen to me. We had it so good and things were going really well with you and me up until you started that movie.

SH: You told me to do it. You told me it was a great opportunity cuz you were already going to be busy with your solo work.

JY: You left me. You left me for your acting friends and ing John Lee. You left me to be a social pariah, sitting in the studio working on the same stupid part until my eyes want to bleed. I keep refreshing the chat room page over and over because you will never text me. After your movie stopped filming and the tour was over, I thought we would go back to normal but you left me with this ing stupid empty feeling that I can’t fill with anything. Then you go to Japan, to our sushi restaurant and only pop up to tell me you miss me? You seriously have the balls to say you miss me now? Well, you, Seunghyun, because you have no idea how this feels.

Jiyong at this point was crying open tears. He grabbed his water bottle, trying to wet his drying throat. The ing nerve of this guy. He really thought this was okay? They were so happy and in love and he was inches from moving into his impenetrable villa with him when everything seemed to change. 2012 was full of changes, so much that Jiyong felt himself going crazy. He dyed his hair all the time and found beauty in the strange. Anything, to make him feel that he was still sane.

SH: I’m really sorry, Ji. I waited patiently for you when you were doing solo work. I know I was filming and hanging out with lots of new people but I kept feeling empty. I went to that place tonight to hopefully connect with you. You have seemed so busy lately and I have been waiting around for you to be finished with your work but it never ended. After working so much last year, one of the last places I wanted to go was the place where you currently seem to live. I should have been stronger and come to see if you were okay and maybe brought some takeout. I’m a coward though. No one knows this better than you. I sat around waiting when I should have been doing. I ran off to Japan to try and forget that it was Valentines Day but my feet listened to my aching heart. They brought me to the sushi place where I drank sake until I felt so warm, it felt like I was holding you in my arms like I have countless times when we were there. I miss you so much, Kwon Jiyong. I got on here tonight cuz here I am in another hotel room in another country but you aren’t here to sneak into my room in the middle of the night. I keep tossing and turning under a velour blanket, reaching over only to find a cold and empty place next to me. I need you. I knew no other way then to come on here.

Jiyong sat there in shock at Seunghyun’s heart that was spread out on the screen. He wiped his tears off his face and felt pain for a whole new reason. This was all his fault. He spent so much time feeling bad for himself that he didn’t think that Seunghyun was doing the exact same thing, drowning himself in something to forget the pain.

JY: You have a phone, you know. You could just text me or call.

SH: I know that!

JY: Do you? I see that iPhone you carry but you never seem to contact me.

Jiyong scowled thinking of the pictures he has seen of Seunghyun with the new iPhone. Every time a picture was released where the phone made an appearance he broke out the liquor and stared at his own phone hoping against all reason that Seunghyun would somehow call. He closed his eyes trying to relieve the ache that came with crying and several days worth of too little sleep and too much coffee. He was just starting to relax and doze off in his chair when he heard his phone vibrate on the coffee table behind him. He opened his eyes as his heart jumped.

He looked at the screen and saw an old selica of him and Seunghyun lighting up the darkness. He scrambled to pick up the phone, clear his throat of the gravely sound that came with sleep, and answer before voicemail beat him to it.

“Yobeseayo?”

“Hey, Ji.” A rich but scratchy voice said.

Jiyong melted a little into the couch he moved to. Seunghyun’s voice made him feel so much better.

“Why did you call? We could have just messaged online.” Jiyong said, even though he was thanking the heavens that he had.

“Well, I had to prove that I know how to work this thing, now didn’t I?” Seunghyun quipped with a smirk in his voice.

Smartass.

“Do anything fun in Japan?” Jiyong asked, staring where the ceiling should be.

“Nothing too exciting. I am taking a hands on Japanese language tour.” Seunghyun said.

Jiyong couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“A-a what?” Jiyong asked between fits of laughter.

“It isn’t funny. You guys are always making fun of me about my Japanese and I can’t get any of it so I decided that maybe I should try hands on language learning. We go to shops and landmarks and practice speaking and reading. It helps a little but I still don’t know.” Seunghyun said shyly.

Jiyong smiled. He really did try hard. Foreign language just wasn’t his forte, which was unfortunate for a hallyu star like him.

“You’ll get it. It just takes time.” Jiyong said.

“I don’t care too much. You know I would rather stay quiet for interviews and tv shows anyways.” Seunghyun said.

“I know.” Jiyong said, knowing full well that he wasn’t there for the Japanese lessons.

After a few moments of silence Jiyong decided to take the reins of the conversation.

“So, why did you really call me?” Jiyong asked the silent caller.

“I can’t sleep. I needed to at least hear your voice tonight to put my heart at ease.” Seunghyun said.

“You’re such a cheesy person.” Jiyong said, feeling the corners of his mouth rebelling against his statement.

“I know. I just….I feel so empty and alone without you.” Seunghyun said so quietly, it was almost whispered.

“Me too, Seunghyun. Me too.” Jiyong sighed into the receiver.

“Jiyong?”

“Yes, Seunghyun?”

“How about you go home and call me back and we can fall asleep together, just like we always used to do when we were apart.” Seunghyun offered.

Jiyong smiled at the memories of those nights, phone between his ear and the pillow, with a spare pillow in his arms. Somehow, those nights were less lonely despite the distance.

“That sounds nice.” Jiyong said sleepily.

“I love you, Jiyong.”

“I love you too, Seunghyun.”

Jiyong ended the call only to stretch out his sore and exhausted body, shut down the computer, gather his stash of belongings from the studio, and finally leave to see the sun starting to peek up through the glass windows of the building. This would be a morning for sunglasses and hushed long distance pillow talk. He smiled and made the short trip to his car and home to his Seunghyun.