"Code blue @ rm. 114! Code blue @ rm. 114!"

 

 

 

 

 

The paging system was never at rest in announcing "code blues."

 

 

 

 God. Patients may be at brink of death but i hope they can make it. I carefully sat on a chair in a nurse's station of the oncology ward and didn't even realize that my shift was about to end.

 

 

Whew.

 

 

I lost track of time. And i love it because i love my job.

 

 

I am an oncology nurse for almost 5 years and I’m already used to everything about cancer.  I have witnessed and felt every patient's hopelessness of getting back a life. Some play it cool, with the belief that greater plans await them. This is such a job that requires passion and strong emotional aspect which will remind patients to keep on fighting.

 

 

As i was fixing myself to go home, i saw Dr. Lee, with a chart in his hand, heading towards me.

 

 

 “Hey beautiful nurse! End of shift?”

 

 

 "Good morning Dr. Lee. Yeah, i was just fixing myself. How may i help you?”

 

 

 “I have this patient and he requested me to assign him another "beautiful nurse" since Dara is on leave.”

 

 

“Do you have the heart to take this "handsome" patient?" Dr. Lee asked. As he teases me with his smile and eyebrows.

 

 

"So much for the ‘beautiful nurse and handsome patient’. I’d like to meet him. Would you take me to him, Dr. Lee?"

 

 

He was lying on his bed, with a PSP in his hands, apparently playing some kind of a game. He was shouting, obliviously so engrossed that he didn't even notice us coming. a lady beside him, might be in her early thirties, nudged him and said,  "Dr. Lee's here, bringing a beautiful Nurse".

 

 

“Huh? Beautiful nurse? Where?” and he suddenly realized that we were right in front of him...

 

 

“Oh! Dr. Lee and....”

 

 

"Suzy..? Bae Suzy and i will be your nurse for the mean time," i extended my right hand towards him and plastered my face with a smile. Staring at my waiting hand, he raised his eyes and looked at me, displaying a smile with conviction.

 

 

"At this very moment, Suzy, I'll tell you. I will be your patient you'll never want to let go. Mark my word." and he finally shook my hand.

 

 

 

 

He is KIM MYUNGSOO.

 

 

 

24 and an architect.

 

 

 

He was diagnosed with Hodgkin's-Lymphoma-stage 3. At first, i didn't notice his fair complexion, his dark hair, which are now starting to fall off, his bright eyes and heart-shaped lips.

 

 

 

 

      …..why?

 

 

 

Because i had all my thoughts running in my mind looking for answers. Where does all his energy come from? Cancer patients are weak due to chemotherapy. or is he even a cancer patient?  From then on, It gave me the feeling that i have to take care of him more. Seems like we're from opposite poles but i have no choice but to get attached.

 

 

 

No, not attract.

 

 

 

That gave me the creeps.

 

 

 

 

What does he mean when he told me those words?

 

 

 

Is it something like…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "Oh my god! Myungsoo, Please don’t die on me. Keep Fighting. Don’t let go."

 

 

 

 

 

Wah!

 

 

 

Erase.

 

Erase.

 

 

 

 

I won't let that prediction happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not until the next days…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

When i entered his room, he was asleep. He looks pale. Unbelievable to see him like that, but expected from a cancer patient right after chemo session. I looked at him more closely and noticed the dark circles under his eyes and his cracked lips.

 

 

 

  Poor guy.  Does he have a girlfriend? hhhmmm... just a little more color, minus the dark circles and cracked lips and he's kinda....

 

 

 

 

“Don’t you think it's rude to watch other people sleep?”

 

 

 

I was startled. Crap! He caught me staring at him. I should come up with an excuse.

 

 

“I wasn't watching you sleep; i was checking your respiration." And he suddenly roared into laughter. Man. he's getting into my nerves.

 

 

 

“If you were checking my respiration, you should be looking at my chest, not on my face. And as far as i know, respiration is checked for only 1 minute but you've been staring at me for 5 minutes.”

 

 

i was doomed. I wish the floor will crack open and eat me up.

 

 

 

 

“Mr. Kim-

 

 

“Call me Myungsoo.”

 

 

“Ok.  Myungsoo. Let’s have an agreement. Just let me take care of you okay? Trust me.” I pretended to scribble something on his chart.

 

 

“I’d love that”. He said.

 

 

 

“So, that would be all. I’ll be back.” i started my wobbly feet towards the door, aiming for an immediate exit. As i was about to turn the knob, he suddenly spoke up.

 

 

 

 

“Oh, by the way, to answer your question, i don't have a girlfriend.”

 

 

 

 

 

I shut the door quickly.

 

Did i say it out loud?

 

 

 

NO. Impossible. It was just my mind talking!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After the embarrassing incident, the next day, Myungsoo’s mom visited him. I was able to meet her and had a never-ending conversation. There, i have known that Myungsoo is the eldest and has a younger brother. She was so charming and has a great sense of humor. She and Myungsoo kept on exchanging sentences which had us laughing. Announcing that she has to leave, i walked her towards the door and she talked to me privately.

 

 

 

 

“I heard a lot about you from my son and i think he's into you. Can you please stay with him and make him happy? I noticed her eyes are starting to glisten, and i sensed an impending burst of tears. “I need to mask my sadness. i don't want him to see me cry.” and there the tears started to fall. I reached out and held her in an embrace.

 

 

 

 

“I’ll do everything, Mrs. Kim. Myungsoo’s a fighter.” then, she left.

 

 

 

 

After that tearful goodbye with Mrs. Kim, i went back to Myungsoo’s room.  He was watching television. I sat on a chair beside his bed.

Unconsciously, i said, “I love your mom."

 

 

 

 “That’s a good sign.” He said.

 

 

 

 

And what's that supposed to mean?  He suddenly smiled and asked, “Have you heard the saying live life like it's your last?” I just stared at him. That made him go on.

 

 

 

 

"All my life, i was so busy with my career and i forgot about myself. i don't know how it feels to just stay at home and be lazy. I don’t know how it feels like to be free from worries. And most especially, i don't know how it feels like to be in love. Now that I’m dying and god only knows when, i want to experience everything I've missed. Myungsoo said.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know what possessed me. I reached out to touch his hand and leaned closer.

 

 

 

 

“You’ll never know what's going to happen during your remaining days but I’ll be here to help you.” My voice started to crack.

 

 

 

 

 

“Will you help me make it possible Suzy?”

 

 

 

 

Tears started to roll down on my cheeks. All those smiles and laughs are just façade of his true feelings. How come I didn’t realize that? I’ve handled several cancer patients and I know that they have to cover up their sadness and fear to be strong for their families. Does this mean I’m in the stage of denial when it comes to Myungsoo as my cancer patient? I tried to erase that thought from my mind because I know in the end, I’m bound to get hurt, but I never thought that I answered him.

 

 

 

 

 “Of course, Myungsoo, I’ll help you.”

 

 

 

 

---