The Right Side Up
Mission: Make Her A Woman
Summary of Last Chapter:
JH and KJK end up fighting after their heated dance as JH thinks that KJK is messing with her for not following the script, taking advantage of the fact that she had liked him sometime in the past. JH is extremely angry and disappointed in him as she walks off. KJK has a phone call with Jang Hyuk where he confides his feelings with his best friend. Hyuk is not very happy as he doesn't agree with JH but advises KJK to talk it out. The frustrated Angel names Gwang Soo as the wisher who is in love with JH, and God grants her the earth vacation. LDW approaches JH to clarify the kiss issue and hints that he is interested in her which makes JH excited but also have an epiphany that she doesn't want to be more than friends with him. She has a small breakdown in her room with Gwang Soo present, where she tells him about her 17 years of feelings for KJK and that her epiphany is that she hasn't really moved on despite all her efforts. What she didn't realize that she broke Gwang Soo's heart with every word of hers.
"Thank you."
Jong Kook stared at the perfect set of lips which the words came out of, with a bit of disbelief that he should have become accustomed to by now. He has been disbelieving all morning, after all. He had gaped at her when he had come out of his and Gary's room in the morning and the butter knife in her hand hadn't been flung in his direction; instead she had given him a curt 'Good Morning'. He had been left shocked when he asked her to not to hound the director around the set with her creative inputs, and she had agreed. Hell, he thought he was dreaming when he put some broccoli in her plate during dinner and she had silently chewed on it, when she had once claimed never to even touch that particular vegetable.
He awkwardly gave her a curt nod in return and moved on to the next person as he distributed the packets of bagels he had ordered for the crew.
"She forgave you for yesterday?" Gary asked Jong Kook when he finally settled down at the corner of the set once the filming for the last scene had resumed and his entry in the scene was still to come . "What did you two fight about, Hyung?"
"Nothing, really. And she is entirely too polite; I keep waiting for the hit to come when my back is turned."
"Ask Gwang Soo, he has been hanging around her like a manager all day. He might know if you are forgiven." The rapper offered conspiratorially, fighting off a grin at his hyung's forlorn expression.
Jong Kook wearily rubbed a hand over his face where he could feel the five 'o' clock shadow growing. To say he was tired would be an understatement; in fact all of them were beat as the sun had soon been replaced by the moon and the last day of their MV shoot was coming to an end. He wondered where all these days went but at the same time thought of ALL that has happened in the four days and couldn't help thinking that they were too long. "Gwang Soo is acting like a guard dog around her ever since Lee Dong Wook arrived on this goddamned island." He muttered, before the implication of his own words hit him.
No, no, it can't be. Not Gwang Soo too. Maknae can't possibly... Ji Hyo? Stop being paranoid, Kim Jong Kook; you are projecting your own feelings on others now.
Gary's eyes widened and he stared at Jong Kook in surprise. He opened his mouth to say something but then thought better of it. He was supposed to be the clueless one, and he will pretend as if he hasn't become privy to maknae's big secret. It all made sense now, Gary thought. That sly giraffe, he chuckled to himself, that noona-crazy kid is really hopeless.
The Leessang got up as the director motioned for the entry of Man #1 and brushed some sand off his pants. Jong Kook Hyung gave him a thumbs up as he made his way to The Girl as she sat on the front steps of the cottage, tears of joy shining in her eyes as she saw the love of her life making his way to her. Gary stopped at the start point and waited for the camera to be positioned alongside him, and the director's command for him to transform into Man #1. Shooting a small smirk to Gwang Soo, who returned a baffled look, he schooled his features into a cool mask of a twisted man, as Man #1 became closer and closer to breaking the heart of the woman he had loved till his destruction.
The Girl gazed at him, her face white in the moonlight and her tears like stars on snow. Hope shone ever brighter in her eyes. He wished that he hated her; he had once said he'd wait for her forever, but forever became too long and the wait had to end. Men are like that.
She stood up as he came near enough to touch. Her expression morphed into a troubled one when she couldn't detect the eagerness and the love that had always been so clear on his face. He was not looking at her like she was the light at the end of the tunnel for him; she felt like she was yet another person caught in that tunnel, just like him. That's when The Girl knew she had been cruel; so cruel to think that she would always be the light at the end of his tunnel. That he would always be the home that she could return to when the outside world held no attraction to her any more. Now that home had been uprooted so cleanly, that there was not even hate that he felt for her. Her heart hurt worse when she realized what he was like now. Indifferent.
She caught his face between her hands and looked into his eyes, searching the cool depths for that man that she knew once, that man whose unrequited passion she had ignored. Now he was gone and was instead replaced by this stranger. This stranger who gently took her wrists and pushed her hands away from his face.
Man #1 released her and at once her arms fell to her side. Giving her a small impersonal smile, he shook his head at her in goodbye and simply turned to leave into the night. She watched his retreating back, grief rendering her immobile, as the waves swallowed the sound of his light footsteps on the sand, and the fog swallowed the sight of her last love. Men are like that.
"CUT!"
"Talk to me," He whispered loudly as he shook the sleeping girl's shoulder. "Ji Hyo, wake up. Talk to me!"
Kim Jong Kook would never sneak into a girl's room after midnight, they said. Kim Jong Kook would never sit on the girl's bed and shake her out of deep sleep, they said. Yet here he was, at the end of his desperation and confusion, going straight to the source to get answers. Gary's suggestion did not work as Gwang Soo refused to divulge a single thing, and there is no way he is going back to Seoul with this tension hanging between him and Ji Hyo. He will clear it out with her even if it killed him. And so he was here, in the lioness' lair, stirring trouble for himself on his own.
He heard a low annoyed groan as she started rolling over and he got up from the bed to avoid having her roll into his lap. That would have been hard to explain when she got up. IF she got up.
"Ya, Song Ji Hyo!" He hissed when he heard her breaths even out, indicating that she had fallen asleep after the change in position. He pulled at her comforter but the girl refused to budge. "Let's talk, Ji Hyo. Get up!"
"OOooppa, what iz itz?" She groaned out, her eyes still closed and breath shallow. Jong Kook could tell that she wasn't really cognizant of his presence which is why he had even managed to get longer than two words from her in the entire day.
He took hold of her arm and pulled her into a sitting position, hating to wake her from her restful sleep, especially after the tiring day she has had. But this island trip will be coming to an end when they board the ferry back to mainland at 7 AM tomorrow, and this fantasy bubble of theirs had to burst to let reality score in. It felt like they had been suspended in time and it's extra-ordinary events, and he wanted to put this everything back into it's rightful place before he left these waters. Running Man will shoot three days from now and if Ji Hyo doesn't stop giving him the passive-aggressive treatment then he might just lose control of the beast inside of him, flip her over his shoulder like a caveman and tie her up so she would sit still long enough for him to explain.
"What the ing hell is the problem?" She hissed as she tried to lie down again.
"Ji Hyo ah, wake up now, kid. Talk to me. Chaebal." Her eyes focused at last and she blew the hair that had stuck to the corner of . Remembering the past day and all the things that had resurfaced in relation to this man in her life, she decided to humour him. She swung her legs off the bed and slipped her feet into the flip-flops on the floor.
Kim Jong Kook sighed, slightly in relief, slightly because the sleepy confusion was no more on her face and her expression had returned to the indifference he has been faced with the entire day today. He followed her as she grabbed a zipper and walked out of her room, making her way out of the cottage with her face hidden beneath the shadows of the jacket's hood.
Softly closing the main door behind him, he whispered, "Walk with me?"
She nodded and let her hood fall, which made him stop for a moment as her face was thrown in sharp relief by the moonlight, painting her in a spectrum of blue. Her hair was a mess of inky-blue and her face the colour of ice, which made him scramble to collect his thoughts before the sublime completely overwhelmed it. This little woman against the background of the infinite sea made him want to believe that magic existed; it existed and sang, in the wind that made her hair dance.
They walked in silence till the cottage became as small as her hand from their spot. He had prepared what to say and how to answer all her questions, but the thought that she might not even ask him those questions made him take some more time to think. Song Ji Hyo, however, had already been more patient than was in her nature.
"I am sorry." She said suddenly. But it was a bitter apology, simply because she knew that his behavior last night was simply a joke to him, one that she should have gotten upset and fought with him for, like usual. But she had taken it further because it hurt so much more than he would ever realize. She can't expect him to be apologetic for what he didn't comprehend. He wouldn't know the cruelty of trying to joke about her feelings because to him they were in the past; to her they had just been proven as alive in the present as the thumping heart in her ribcage.
Jong Kook turned sharply at her words and gaped for a second before her rushed to answer, "No, no. Ji Hyo ah, I am sorry. I am so sorry that I don't even deserve this chance to explain that you have given me."
She simply looked at him, a little surprised at the intensity of the sincerity that rang in his voice. "I wasn't messing with you." He continued, "You know I won't lie to you. Heck, you always know when I am lying! Ji Hyo ah, Oppa swears, I didn't mean to hurt you."
It took her a moment to evaluate his words, wondering if she had made a mountain out of a molehill. The roller-coaster that he made her life go through was no joke. Sometimes he would make her think that he hates her, only for him to be joking; other times it seemed like he was joking, making her react grandly, only to be perfectly serious. This man had made her feel a real physical pain in the chest all day long, only to prove that it was all in her head? That he was simply as he always is and she was the one who read invisible signals between the lines?
"So you just got lost in the moment?" She asked, tentatively.
Jong Kook opened his mouth to tell her that it was much bigger than losing his mind in the moment; tell her what he had felt these past two months. Yet, he chickened out the last moment inexplicably; deviating from Hyuk's advice, he sighed, "Yes, this place is magic. It's easily to lose oneself."
Ji Hyo looked around to gather the vastness of the magic he was talking about, the boulders that lined the white beach and the diamonds in the water where the moon beamed on the sea. She smiled softly, in relief. This she can understand, this she can overcome and continue to live on. Her feelings might never go away but she can learn to make peace with them.
"Okay."
"Okay??"
"Yes, okay." She replied with a little laugh. "It's easy to get lost in the moment when dancing with someone as pretty as me."
Jong Kook ignored the little joke and took a long step and blocked her path to meet her eyes, "That's it? Chincha?"
"Yes. And as I said earlier, I am sorry too. For acting weird and dragging this out. I should have listened when you tried to explain yesterday."
Jong Kook waved her apology off as something not necessary; he deserved the manner she treated him with after all. He hardly could stomach an apology after the generous forgiveness that he was handed so easily. She might fight with him all the time and make him worry, but she has always been been too good to him, much more than I deserve, he thought.
They walked a little more in a more companionable comfortable silence. Ji Hyo marveled how it was easier to breath now that the pain of yesterday's epiphany had eased a bit; maybe she should give more energy to moving on, she thought.
"I have one more thing to apologize" She looked up at her oppa, wondering what he would be apologizing now for. His hands clutched each other behind his back and his stared at his feet as he walked beside her, taking a moment to continue. "I promised you a good time during these four days, I promised you an alternate happiness. I am sorry that it has been everything but that."
She averted her eyes from his face and ruefully kept on walking. "It's okay" She mumbled, not really meaning it.
"But I want you to consider what I had said. Don't let the hatred for your mother rule your life, Ji Hyo ah. You deserve to be happy, little one, and you can't be if you refuse to stay away from her. You think you are causing her pain by being around her?"
Ji Hyo gritted her teeth, unwilling to discuss the topic so openly. It was one thing when things were laid in the open when she was drunk, it's another to have him read her mind while she is fully aware of how bad her actions sound. She did not want to explain herself simply because no one would understand; one has to be in her exact life to know, and one can't be. "Oppa, I don't---"
"No, you are also the one living in pain alongside. Sadism, I understand; but masochism doesn't suit you, Song Ji Hyo. You are stronger than that. I am sorry to have not been able to give you proof of a happy life without feeling the need of revenge on your mother, but it is there." He carried on without breaks, as he saw her lips thin in annoyance."You can see sense in my words, kid. Don't deny yourself a chance. Why are you allowing someone who made your childhood sad continue to ruin the rest of your life?"
"Why aren't you telling me that somewhere my mother loves me?" She asked quietly, "Why aren't you telling me that it's all a misunderstanding that never got cleared?"
"Because I believe you must have loved her enough to have tried to clear it up. On more occasions than one." He mumbled softly, laying a hand on her arm. "It never worked, did it?"
"Not once. I did love her, you know." caught on that so he gently moved the hand on her arm up and down. "I don't hate her without a reason, Oppa. They think I am unfilial, that I am a terrible person to hate my own mother, but I tried so hard to keep on loving her. I really did try."
He knew that the 'they' here was 'everyone' in general. "I believe you, Ji Hyo ah. We all do." He murmured as he drew her closer and pressed his lips to her head before letting her go. "You love everything, it's not your fault for stopping to love her. She drove you to it."
Ji Hyo in a breath at the empathy in his voice; her next words came harshly like a volley of bullets. "So why do you want me stop from hurting her? Do you know how my life has been? What she has been like to me? People easily put it as me wanting her to love me, but Oppa that was me when I have fifteen. I am not a fool pining for something that won't come my way. But I want her to be reminded every single day of her life of the love that cheated and then died on her."
"Do you enjoy it?"
"It gives me satisfaction."
"But does it give you happiness?"
She fell silent at that, not wanting to give a petty answer since she knew he wanted to try and 'help' her in his own way. The only sounds for the next ten minutes was the light scraping of their slippers on the sand, the waves and two beeps from his wristwatch indicating that midnight was upon them.
"I'll think about it," She finally said, her short patience having run it's course when he had not said anything after his question. "I'll think about moving out of the building, but I can't guarantee that it would happen immediately."
"I can accept that." Jong Kook smiled and started whistling, warmed that he had gotten somewhere with her.
"Maybe I can live with Gwang Soo for a while." She thought loudly to herself, expecting a laugh from him.
"No." He growled, which made Ji Hyo give him a frown. No way is she staying with Gwang Soo, he thought, not until I get some proof that my suspicion about the maknae is just a figment of my imagination.
"Wae? WAE? You think you have some kind of right over him? He is not all yours! He is MINE too!" She complained, which made him slip the stern expression off his face and break into a smile.
"No, he is only mine. Mine to rule over and mine to command." He teased back.
"Yeah right! Remember, you still have to pay me for acting in the MV?" She smirked.
"Yes, so?"
"I want Lee Gwang Soo."
He started laughing, "Are you serious? Oh, you ARE serious. Then my answer would be NO."
"But we agreed that you'd give me anything I want! I want exclusive rights on Gwang Soo, Oppaaa!" She pulled on his arm and swung it about like a child throwing a tantrum.
"Yes, but we also agreed that the demand has to be reasonable. So, NO."
"Lee Gwang Soo, or nothing." She challenged.
" 'Nothing' can't be an option here, Ahjumma."
"Then Gwang Soo or a Piggyback ride for the whole of next hour" She smirked at that, sometimes it helped that she weighed lot more than the idols he is used to carrying.
"Then you get... Piggybacking." He felt like his grin would split his cheeks as he bent forward a little and motioned for her to climb. A moment later her weight rested upon his back and he didn't even make a peep when she accidentally-on-purpose jabbed a sharp little elbow in his side while climbing on. Once she was secure across his back, he looped his arms around her pajama-clad thighs and resumed walking.
"Cheap" She muttered.
"Did you just...?"
"ing yes."
"Song Ji Hyo."
"WHAT?"
"How many years do I have on you?"
"Five."
"What does that make me?"
"Old?"
"Song Ji Hyo."
"It makes you an Oppa."
"And how do you treat an Oppa?"
"With respect?"
"Ten points for the correct answer."
"I can't believe I wasted a Do Anything Chance on a piggyback ride."
"You were never the sharpest tool in the shed, Ahjumma"
"I can't believe you let me."
"I couldn't have handed over the Giraffe. You just made my job easier."
"Well, piggybacking is just as nice as they say. So I will try to be content."
"Nice for you, I know the second half of the hour is going to be torture for me. And what's so nice? You get just as tired as walking."
"It's nice because I haven't been piggybacked before."
"You know, I was there these past three years. In fact, guess what, it was I who piggybacked you. More than once." He replied sarcastically.
"I meant off-camera, Oppa."
"What? Never?"
"Dad must have when I was young, but I don't remember. So this is nice. We should do this again sometime."
"You are wrong. How do you think you get home after all the alcohol you drink? I am sure each one of the six of us have piggybacked you to your apartment complex at least once. Your guard always made us leave you on the couch in the lobby, which kind of makes sense now."
"Yeah, can't have you come up and come face-to-face with the Wicked Witch of the West by accident."
"It wouldn't have been too bad if your mother saw you drunk. You are old enough, what's the worse she can say?"
"That I am sleeping with you."
Jong Kook swore, which made her chuckle as he hardly ever used inappropriate language. "I don't care what your mother would think of me. Or you, for that matter." He answered with conviction.
"Yes, because I am also old enough to sleep with whoever I want."
"WHAT?! NO! I meant that her words would not change my perception. You CAN'T do what you just said you can do!"
"Prude." Came another mutter against his neck.
"Ya!"
"What?"
"You are feeling particularly brave tonight, aren't you, Mong Ji Hyo?"
"I am not scared of you."
"How about I throw you into the water then?"
"Oppa! It'd be freezing!"
"Ha! Now you are pleading."
"I didn't plead!"
" 'Oppa! It'd be freezing!' " He mimicked in a shrill voice, which she deduced was supposed to be hers. "What do you call that?"
"Stating a fact."
"Whatever you say, woman. Just be a good girl and you shall remain dry."
"What's the fun in being a good girl?"
"You can be good and have fun."
"......."
"WHAT?"
"Oppa, just because you have a thing for nice good girls doesn't mean ALL girls should be like that."
"I don't have a 'thing' for good girls. Everyone likes a nice girl."
"Plenty of men like me. And I am not nice."
"They like you because you are nice. You are the nicest, Song Ji Hyo!"
"Funny? Should I laugh?" Came a sarcastic quip.
"I am not joking, you are very very good. Maybe drink and curse too much, but that's okay."
"Then why didn't you like me?"
Her words made him stop in his tracks and twist his neck to try to look at her.
"Ji Hyo ah, I--"
"I am kidding, Ahjussi. Keep walking. Man, you are so serious all the time."
"Can I ask you something?"
"You are going to ask something awkward, right? I want to say NO but since the theme today is Honesty, then okay, YES. But wait, let me off. I want to see your face go all red as you ask your awkward questions."
"You know what? Forget it!" He replied, gripping her legs as she tried to climb down, and continued to march forward.
"Oppa! Sorry, sorry. But put me down on the rock, please. My legs are starting to cramp."
He positioned himself next to a relatively smooth boulder and let her leap off him to the top of the rock. He quickly pulled himself up beside her, but laid down on his back as she sat on the edge with her legs swinging off the side. Staring at the stars that were much clearer here than back home, he took a long breath. "Don't misunderstand, but I am genuinely curious about the time when you liked me."
Ji Hyo stared ahead. What could she tell him? That she remembers liking him as far as she could properly remember? That she ing feels it right at this moment?
"Exactly which time?" She asked daringly.
There was a pregnant pause before his reply came from behind her, where he was spread out on their rock. "How many 'times' were there?"
"15 years." She decided to omit the last two years. In her defense, she had been under the impression that she was getting successful in leaving her feelings behind, untill recently.
There was a sharp intake of breath. "15 years??" His voice came out like a squeak.
"Freaked you out?" She asked, smirking to herself. It was a unique exhilaration. Telling him about it after all these years of keeping in all the frustrations, disappointments and heartbreaks. Maybe a part of her was angry at him, angry that he never recognized her or her sentiments, that he never saw her in that light.
"How is that...?"
"Turbo. Even with that awful hairstyle, I managed to like you, Jong Kook Oppa. Though the sunglasses disgusted me even back then."
"That's being a fan!"
"Not if it continues even when you yourself become a celebrity."
"But... why? I mean I was a nobody for a while after that. And you worked with some of the best men in the industry."
"I wonder why too." She teased.
"Yes, it doesn't make sense." He twisted his fingers together, which was a nice graphic for both his feelings and his thoughts. Her candid admissions had left him aghast. What he had assumed to be a small crush, either during the earlier days of Running Man or maybe the shoot of Family Outing, was so much bigger than that. It was of mammoth proportions and he didn't know if he should be happy about it or be horrified about treating it so casually.
But Ji Hyo was on a roll and words, memories starting flowing as if he had broken the dam of her past. He heard as she recounted parts related to him and other tidbits, he realized he had never asked her about her life before in the three years of their knowing each other. All of it overwhelmed him but it also fed his resolve and boosted his hope. A niggling part of him did remind him again and again that the only reason why she is so open about it is because she has put it behind her.
"I stood in the line of the concert ticket booth for..."
"...cried when Turbo got disbanded..."
"Mother tore my posters of you, told me my head's in the clouds. That's when I decided I wanted to become a celebrity..."
"I saw you once, I was modeling in a fashion show and you were dating that model Lee..."
"I loved X-Men, hated Yoon Eun Hye..."
"...poor girl, she is so nice but I was a to her on Goong's set..."
"I disguised myself and forced my manager to take me to your press conference before you left for the army..."
"... cried when heard 'Han Namja'; it was beautiful and you deserved to get back your fame..."
"Harassed my boss to get me on Family Outing..."
"... we never talked on the set but at least I made friends with Jae Suk Oppa..."
"I won the water challenge with Lee Hyori because I wanted you to be proud..."
"I waved at you once on the red carpet of SBS Awards, but you probably didn't see me..."
"I told Jae Suk Oppa NO about RM but then he showed me the members' list and you were there..."
"... called you 'Hyung' first because I blushed at 'Oppa'..."
"You'd hardly ever talked to me... Suk Jin Oppa said you were shy..."
"... I thought I'd give up... There was Hyun Bin too after all..."
"Two years ago, at Kang Gary's birthday party, you told me I should make Monday Couple real. That's when it all stopped."
Ji Hyo was a little thirsty by the time she was finished but the pain in the chest was almost gone. Maybe this was all that was required to let go - plain simple catharsis - and she cursed internally for not considering this option much earlier. For almost a minute she couldn't care less about what her Oppa must be thinking and going through after the giant load of confessions that befell him, because the liberation that came with them was intoxicating. She wanted to throw her arms into the air and yell "FREE!", letting the wind and the waves carry her sentiments to rest of the world.
However, the moment came to an end when she became aware of the man behind her who was sitting up, if the rustling that broke the train of her thoughts was any indication.
"You don't have to form a reply or something. I was just telling you what it was like." She told him, continuing to address the air in front of her instead of the man her words were meant for, as she had been doing for the past half hour. She hoped to spare him the awkwardness of reacting to her monologue.
"I think I understand properly now, why you reacted the way you did after yesterday." He sighed, running a hand over his face as he felt all his 37 years in his bones now. "I can't imagine how it felt to have me mock something like that. Not that I did. Mock, I mean. Which we did clear earlier, but I wanted to repeat. I didn't mock, I just--"
"Oppa"
"Huh?"
"You are rambling." She said, turning to him, stretching out to ruffle his hair a bit.
"I just... I have to tell you something." He nodded to himself.
"Tell me what?"
"About yesterday."
"There is no need, I know now that you didn't do it. It was stupid of me to think you'd do that to me."
"No, I need to, Ji Hyo." He too leaned forward, raising himself just enough to meet her eyes head-on, "I need to explain the last two months, just not yesterday."
Ji Hyo was arrested by the sight of the usual temperamental but confident oppa seeming like he was having a battle inside his head. She nodded at him to continue, her curiosity peaked.
"Remember the Park Bo Young episode? Well, Ha Ha said that you were sad---"
"Are referring to the pact you guys made about treating me like a woman? What about it?"
Jong Kook's mouth fell open as he stared at the amazing woman in front of him. She was grinning like a Cheshire cat, proud to have stumped him yet again. "Uh... How?"
"I told you, Gwang Soo is mine. He tells me EVERYTHING."
"Why, that little---" He scowled, before returning his eyes to her, "How long have you known about that?"
"Actually, only since today morning."
"Okay, so about that mission. Well, it screwed up with our heads at first. And I, I didn't know for a while what to do. I mean you acted like a kid, talked like one but when we... no, I looked at you, you were suddenly the beautiful woman that I see often on TV."
It was Ji Hyo's time to be spellbound as the night of confessions continued. She felt like she was standing on a railway line, enchanted at the light on top of the speeding train as it neared with frightening speed.
"It began a struggle that I didn't anticipate. Like someone threw ice water on top of my head but left half a hangover still. Ji Hyo, you know I have always loved you as a dongseng, and now I don't see you without thinking of you as a woman, so what I want to say is---"
"That you love me as a woman?" She finished for him. Pieces fell into place like a complicated jigsaw puzzle coming to fruition. Only it didn't leave her with the satisfaction of completion. It left her sad of the end.
"Yes." Jong Kook answered with all the conviction he could muster in his words. "I know I might be too late now but I can't not tell you; especially when I am having moments when I lose myself and end up hurting your sentiments like I did yesterday."
"Oppa..."
"Ji Hyo ah, just like you said, there is no need of a reply." He offered, even as he bit the inside of his cheek from begging her to consider him. The expression on her face was of acute panic, like she was stricken at his words. It cut through him as he realized the fate of his confession was definitely not in his favour. He couldn't even say that she didn't have any idea of what he was feeling right now, because what is two months in the face of several years that she felt the same? "You know, it shadows eerily the last MV scene, only that I am The Girl." He said, giving an awkward laugh.
"Oppa, you are wrong." She whispered, her gaze steady though her eyes looked a little crazed. As if million thoughts were flying in them and he was unable to catch a single of them. Like there was so much emotion that he could no longer be sure exactly what it was that she was feeling.
"Is it not too late?" He asked, though he knew better than keeping the fledging flame of hope, seeing that she looked everything but happy about the situation.
Ji Hyo sighed, the jigsaw pieces spelling out the story which she wished she hadn't figured out. "You do not love me, Kim Jong Kook." she told him firmly. How she had wished that her brain hadn't cracked the puzzle and she could believe his words at face value, but the same brain spelled it out to her how he had illusion-ed himself into 'loving' her. Come to think of it, she realized she couldn't even take him loving her for real.
He didn't reply for a minute and Ji Hyo saw his infamous temper building within his eyes. "Oppa, I am not presuming your feelings. Nor do I think you are lying. But I know for a fact that you don't love me."
Jong Kook tamped down his frustration. After all this, this is what it came down to. But he would fight for it because it could be that she can't believe he would like her because he hadn't all these years. "I am sure, I do love you. I know my heart, Ji Hyo ah. It's not impossible that I could fall in love with you; you are aware of how amazing you are."
"I never said it's not possible, but I know for a fact that you don't feel like that towards me. Please don't get angry but you are confusing some things."
He gritted his teeth and focused on how much he adored this frustrating woman, he won't let her run away due to some notion she had formed in her head. "Why would you think so?"
"Because Oppa, I think I know more about love than you do."
"You 'loved' me?" He choked a bit.
"I know I used the word 'like' but do you really think that it can remain 'like' for 15 years?"
"Even so, what makes you think what I feel is not love?"
"Because as you said, that loving me as a dongseng and seeing me as a woman afterwards brought you to this realization?" She looked at him for confirmation, to which he nodded, "So, Oppa, you can't possibly be in love with me as you never did love me as a dongseng."
"What the hell are you talking about?" He could tear his hair out by now, why was this becoming so complicated? "Now from where have you gotten this crazy idea?"
"One can tell if one is being loved. You care about me, deeply, for which I can never be thankful enough. But Oppa, you never loved me as anything, and I don't mean it in any wrong way."
"How can you tell?"
"Because I have other Oppas, and I have a dongseng I love too. I know Gary Oppa doesn't love me as a dongseng as well. You care for me, and now you are perhaps... attracted to me as well."
Self-doubt started filling his mind as he rolled her words over and over in his mind. How had he been with her as an Oppa? He did love her as a dongseng, maybe not as much as Jae Suk hyung or Suk Jin hyung, but they knew her so much more. Of course he loved her as a dongseng, she used to cause him all sorts of worries and anxieties. But what if he didn't? He never had had a female dongseng and that had made him keep a certain sub-conscious distance as compared to, say Ha Ha, but that was to be expected. There were lines he couldn't cross. "Even if, say, it's not love. Then will you agree that I definitely like you a lot?"
"See, it didn't even take much to convince you. Because you are aware somewhere inside, Oppa." She replied calmly, a little sadness leaking out of the barrier she had put up.
Kim Jong Kook couldn't muster anger at her statement because he didn't hear an 'I told you so' or an accusation in it, it simply stated a fact, that he realized held some ounce of truth in it. He did feel he loved her even now, but a part of him reminded how much he didn't even know about her 2 months ago. Even if he loved her, it was a partial picture, one he was now determined to completely. "I can only work to convince you in the future, Ji Hyo ah, but will you allow me to do so as it's at least assured that I do like you, a hell lot?"
"No." She whispered, slipping of the boulder, but leaning against it's side. He stared down at her from his perch, waiting for her to continue before his heart could shatter any more. "No, I don't want you to convince me or even yourself that you love me, Oppa."
"Why? If you want to bring it down to facts, then I will let you have it. What are the odds? 50% that I do fall in love with you, 50% that I do not. And what I know about how I feel, 50% for falling in love are pretty damn good! You were never the one to back down from a challenge. Take a chance with me, Song Ji Hyo."
"It's been hell, Oppa. There have been times I hated you as much as my mother, and if this chance fails, I might hate you more." She replied. If it took lying, then she would lie. "It took me two years to get over you and even I don't know if I can feel the same. Even if I do, I am not willing to have a 50% risk of having to work on moving on for another two years."
The moment came when she gave a clear answer to his earlier questions, that she did move on. That it was perhaps too late. Even now as she continued to soothe his bruised heart, telling him to snub whatever has sprung up, he could only think of what could have been. The black-haired children, the squabbles over food, the idiotic spa visits - it all slipped away like a mirage before a nomad's eyes. Replaced by it were the visions of a RM race without Ji Hyo, a club visit without trying to get her to stop dancing on the table, a festive party without her chuckles filling the room. What scared him was that more than the ghost of the Future, the ghost of the Past and Present pained him more if absent. He needed her beside him, dongseng, friend, or however she wanted to be and a romantic love was somehow not a necessity as yet.
Maybe she was right. The socially-awkward younger woman was right while he with his 'supposed' older wisdom could only concede to that.
Ji Hyo on the other hand rubbed a hand over her heart, glad that his perch on top of the boulder prevented him from seeing her face. She had lied about moving on, which will be true in the coming few years if it kills her, but she hadn't lied about anything else. She liked where she was with him in life, it was comfortable now. And the gamble had an equal chance of destroying even that. She could recover from yesterday's epiphany but experiencing a taste of what she had been wanting since 17 years, only to have it concluding in him never actually being in love with her (despite continuing to claim that he is) would do irreparable damage. A part of her wished that he does find love in her, but the rest wanted him to stop teasing her with the idea that he could. Earlier it was the fact that he didn't see her as a woman that stopped that possibility but it seared her heart to know that even after overcoming that hurdle now, he still hadn't found love in his heart for her.
"What do we do now, Oppa?" She asked a while later, a bit scared of what his answer would be. The thought of losing him even as a team-mate, an Oppa, a friend crossed her mind, and she physically shuddered and cursed Honesty.
He leaped down the rock and held his hand out to her, "We finish your piggyback ride and we go back."
She took his hand tentatively, and tried to ignore how awkward it felt climbing his back. If the tenseness of his muscles was an indication, then he felt the same. Keeping her body a little more stiff and differently from her usual comfortable lean against him, she contemplated his silence. "It feels like we wore some sort of magical glasses for the past four days and the world turned upside down."
"Maybe" He mused, feeling the tension of his muscles loosening slightly at her soft content words. "Maybe all it will take is four more days to turn it back up."
"When we go back to Seoul, Oppa?" She asked, leaning just a bit further against his back.
"When we go back home."
Her chin returned to her usual position on top of his shoulder, "What about all the things we broke while stumbling around when the world was upside down?"
He smiled at how the mature woman who had just taught him about love, now sounded like a 5-year-old she turned into in some precious rare moments. Innocent and affectionate. "We will patch them up together, kiddo. One by one."
"I might have scraped my knees when I fell. You might have hit your head and become dazed."
"I'll clean your knees and get those Harry Potter band-aids you like. You can hit me again to bring me out of the daze." He chuckled, relief flooding like water to a parched throat. It felt like he had exercised for four hours straight and then sunk into a cool pool. He could already feel the world starting to turn to its rightful place. The Upside Down world had opened possibilities, created the magic, but Reality beckons and the possibilities become memories that might or might not be revisited. For now, they both were on their way back.
"I like SpongeBob now."
"But you were wearing the Potter Pajamas on the first days."
"Don't you see, Oppa? Nothing is constant."
"Ah, SpongeBob then. I'll get you SpongeBob band-aids then."
The cottage was a long way off and the gears of magic shifted and turned. They walked, talked and chatted. Both aware of rotations, both nostalgic of the Upside Down World and both preparing for Reality. Silence never fell between the two as they laughed over who gets to own one tall Giraffe.
The soft brown house that they'd been calling home for the past crazy four days was only 20 yards away when Ji Hyo let out an adorable little yawn which made Jong Kook speed up so that he could get the girl to her bed; after all they had to catch the early morning ferry back home tomorrow.
"Oppa?"
"Hmm?"
"I should have at least scored a kiss while our world was upside down. Damn, I'd never know now." She muttered, half asleep on his shoulder.
He shook his head, a smile gracing his lips.
"Don't push your luck, Ahjumma."
Mianhe! I promised to write regularly and do this! I will try harder to find time to write now. I joined Korean language course so even my weekends are full.
Now I am pretty sure this chapter would raise a few eyebrows with many of you and some of you might hate me or JH, but everything will set to right (just like their world) as things unfold. Feelings have been made clear in every sentence of the chapter, the trail left for the events that'd follow!
But I hope you like it. Constructive criticism as welcomed as ever!
Sahrange!~~
-NJ
KJK hovers around SJH in most of the 10-minute screen time he got. What does that say about the man? Yes, he lurrrrrves his girl! LOL, I am feeling mushy today.
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