His name is Luhan, 19 years old, goalkeeper of the school’s soccer team.

I don’t know if he has high standards for girls. He’s usually quiet and he never leaves his friends alone. But he’s the independent type. He could do almost anything alone. He’s not that vain too. He’s not the type of guy to stop by a mirror and check his looks.

What else? Did I mention he’s two years older than me? He’s diligent in class too. And he has a very manly voice which, by the way, melts me every time he opens his mouth to talk.

 

He was the type of guy I wasn’t afraid to talk to. I’d rather intimidate him with my stare and shut him up with my fist. I thought he was a boring guy to talk to. But the moment I realized he was different, too different from the rest I’ve met, I decided to just ignore him and continue doing other things I was supposed to focus on.

He’s just somebody in the class. He’s nobody in my life.

But that was before.

 

Because now, no matter how much I deny it,

He means everything to me.

 

And I couldn’t gather the courage to tell him.

Because if I make one wrong move,

Then everything is going to vanish like the wind.

 

I’ve never came across someone like his type before. I thought soccer guys were breezy and full of themselves. I’ve judged him even before a friend of mine introduced me to him. I was like, ‘Jeez, this is the type of guy I don’t want to get crossed with.’  He had his head up high when he greeted our group. So at first, I knew he was too much of himself, maybe he’s even arrogant, or maybe he’s overconfident.

But I didn’t care at that time, because I was too preoccupied with other things, like I said, were worth my time.

So pardon me right now for being too lousy and crappy with my words.

 

This is me.

And I’m talking about the guy who took my heart without even noticing.

 

 

He’s just a guy. He could be a friend soon.

But whatever, he’s just a guy.

He’s just Luhan.

I didn’t care about him. I never paid attention to anything he’s done before. I don’t even talk to him when we sit next to each other. I never tried striking up a conversation with him. I never tried doing anything that included him.

I never did anything.

It was like I was avoiding being anywhere near him.

He wasn’t my type and I didn’t like him.

That was it, period. End of conversation.

 

I was one tough girl in class, they said.

One guy classmate even told me I’d never get a boyfriend with my attitude.

I told him he’d better shut up or else I’d kick him in the face.

 

I was only good to those people who treated me with respect.

The rest, I handle with my fist and kick.

And I was sure, for once, that Luhan guy was going to get on my nerves soon.

 

But I got it all wrong, because I didn’t know he was the clumsy type.

He had mistaken me for another person, which was my best friend.

And because of that, he had me laughing for the whole day.

He also had me thinking, ’Hey, he’s not so bad after all.’

 

And I didn’t know how we got to the ‘staring-into-each-other’s-eyes-without-looking-away-or-else-you-fail’ competition. It just happened.

The next few days were unexpected too.

We don’t greet each other when we meet in the hallways before, but now, we smile or nod when we come across each other. He even gives me high fives.

 

I don’t know what got to me when I gave him my number either.

It was nothing special at first. I thought he was just trying to flirt with me.

 

A few days after, I’ve grown a fondness over him.

I noticed everything. The way he talked, the way he treated his friends, the way he acted around other people. I just noticed.

Lastly, I noticed that I was starting to like him.

 

I smiled at just the thought of him. The mention of his name would give me a mild heart attack. His presence would make me feel uneasy.

I’d look for him whenever he’s gone. I’d try to strike a normal conversation with him.

I tried everything I could think of.

 

But it got to the point that I got my heart broken.

We started out great, we ended in ruins.

Because yes, I thought he liked me too in that way.

 

I thought he did.

My friends thought he did.

 

Yes, I know. I shouldn’t have rushed to conclusions.

Maybe if I waited just a bit, I’d prevent myself from getting hurt.

But I was a reckless human being.

Maybe I’m masochistic, that I don’t know.

I just knew I had to fight for him.

 

But what could a mere person like me do?

 

I’m just a girl.

I’m not pretty.

I’m not talented.

I’m not intelligent.

I don’t stand out from the rest.

I’m not anything he should be proud of.

 

I’m tough, but that doesn’t mean he’d like me for that.

 

 

He’s a guy.

But starting right now, he’s not just any other guy.

 

Because he’s the guy I like.

 

 

I gave up even before New Year began. I knew it was too obvious he doesn’t like me in that way. He’s interested with another girl, like what he said to me. I got turned off. Why would I even force myself to someone who doesn’t see me the way I see him?

 

So I left the country for a short while.

It’s not that I wanted to. I just had to.

I tried to return my focus on the things I’ve missed. I tried forgetting that a guy like him ever existed in my life. I tried doing everything I could think about.

 

I tried giving my attention to one particular guy who confessed to me his feelings.

One guy, whom I thought would be better than him.

He had everything a girl would want, the looks, the charm, the skills, and the attitude.

Everything.

 

But I didn’t want him.

I never wanted him.

 

And there’s one thing he didn’t have.

My heart.

 

I tried liking him back. I tried giving him all the effort and attention I gave Luhan before.

Then I told myself, I couldn’t just play with anybody’s feelings. I don’t want anybody to end up being like me. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t afford to lose someone who mattered to me. He was a friend before he confessed. He’d still be a friend after. No more, no less.

 

I tried avoiding Luhan, really.

But something always brings me back to him.

And it never takes too long.

 

 

He asked me out after New Year, and then stood me up.

No, he actually told me that he wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t blame him.

I went out with my best friend instead, who tried her best to cheer me up.

 

I ignored him again.

I hate repeating myself, but yes, like a rubber band, I was being pulled back again.

I knew I couldn’t just avoid him.

He meant something to me after all.

 

I told myself it was too much.

That I should just stop hoping and give up.

Maybe it was easier that way. At least I’d prevent myself from future heartbreak.

 

But it was already too late.

I’ve already started it, so I might as well learn how to end it myself.

 

There were times when I’d get jealous for no apparent reason. Or find myself crying secretly because of him. And I find it funny because he was never really mine in the first place.

 

I tried imagining a life without him.

I’d still be happy, I’d continue living my life with my friends, and I’d continue being a tough girl.

Wait… I forgot.

 

When I fell for him, tough girl became as soft as tofu.

Yes, very funny.

 

He found a soft spot in my heart. Unfortunately, he stayed there for a very long time.

I don’t even know when he’s planning to leave.

 

I envisaged how things would turn out if I just confessed.

But according to norms, girls were just supposed to wait in one corner until a guy asserts that he likes her. That’s it.

So I told myself there was nothing I could do but to watch him from afar as he confessed to another girl his feelings.

 

I sent him signs. It was mortared almost everywhere. (Hello, Bushed.)

Was he too dense to notice?

Too preoccupied to care?

Or was he too busy catching someone else’s attention?

 

I don’t know what happened to me.

I just knew I had to continue doing what I had to.

I mean, I know I’m a girl.

I know where I stand. I know my limits.

 

But whenever I’m with him, I forget everything.

I don’t want to remember anything.

Because like I’ve said before,

 

He’s everything to my nothing and everywhere to my nowhere.

 

 

But it could have been better if we were nothing from the beginning.

I wanted to tell him to go back to where he was supposed to be from the start, to act like he didn’t know me at all and to pretend that he doesn’t know such person like me.

 

But how could I tell him those things

When from the start, I couldn’t even gather the courage to tell him how much me means to me?

 

 

---

 

“Are you sure this is the right thing to do?” I asked my best friend who was happily eating the food I gave her after I lost my appetite.

“Of course, if you tell him you’re all alone then he’ll come here.” She told me.

“But that’ll only make me a liar.”

“And if you won’t lie, that would make you lose him.”

“But—“

“No more buts if you like that guy.” She finally spilled.

And she was right. This was the first time Luhan actually agreed to clear his schedule just to be with me. It was quite a miracle, wasn’t it?

So he arrived, after pulling of a shocked expression of seeing my friend sitting beside me.

 

“Hey…” He muttered.

“Oh, it’s nice to see you here, Luhan!” My friend teasingly exclaimed after seeing my pleading face.

“So… You’re guys are together?” He asked after taking a seat next to me.

“No. We just saw each other here. She invited me to sit with her.” I defensively strike before my friend could say anything destructive.

I looked at my friend who was trying to act calm.

I was trying to act calm too, for heaven’s sake.

 

“Maybe it’s best if I leave—“

“No, don’t.” I said and pulled him back to his seat at the same time. “You’re here already and it’s a waste if I let you walk away.” Now I was being honest.

No Luhan, you cannot walk away from me this time.

 

“But you guys are—“

“No, it’s fine Luhan, really.” I told him.

 

Keep calm and continue talking because if you start the silence, he’s going to tell you he’s going to leave. You don’t want that, do you? I told myself. I had to motivate myself to continue talking.

“I should really lea—“

“No. You stay.” I told him and shot him a glare.

 

It was the only thing I could do.

Don’t blame me. This wasn’t my idea.

Well, half of it was mine.

This was Luhan. The guy I like and someone I’d cancel my whole hectic schedule just to be with. That was how much he mattered to me.

 

“Are you sure?” He asked as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

I nodded in assurance.

 

So the whole two hours was spent getting to know each other.

I know he was expecting for me to be alone.

 

But hey, everybody needs moral support. I just couldn’t do it without my best friend.

And yes, thanks to her, I got to know Luhan better.

 

But crap, I’m falling more.

 

It’s not that I don’t want to.

It’s just that I know I’m making a deeper hole just so I could bury myself into it.

Liking Luhan looked like trouble.

 

But I love getting into troubles.

 

That night, I was to leave again.

But he accompanied us before we went home.

 

I had lots of fun.

And I was forever grateful towards my best friend.

 

I never thought liking him would make me feel like I’m fighting in a battle field.

Whoa, hold on.

I meant soccer field.

 

Not really, but call me jelly.

Because it was his birthday the last month and I was supposed to…

 

Scratch that part.

I’ll keep it a secret.

 

So yeah, like the idiot I was, I wanted to do something.

But when I had to courage to do the thing that I wanted to, I saw him in one corner.

With another girl

Hands down, people

 

He was hugging her back.

And yes, with his signature blushing included.

 

You guessed right, I spent the whole day sulking in one corner.

And I was pissed at myself for doing that.

 

I forgot my friends and how worried they were.

I just thought about myself.

 

That same day, he told me I looked beautiful.

Not pretty, not whatever word you could think of. It was beautiful. Of all the possible words he could have used, he told me I was beautiful!

We had a dance for P.E. that day and whatever, let’s skip that part because I got pissed off again.

 

I wonder why bad things would happen after the good things arrived.

Oh well.

 

Then one day I woke up and I got to the point where I realized giving up would mean defeat. I wasn’t the type to give up on something I want. Or need.

I needed him.

And fighting for him was the only way to make him stay.

 

I had to force myself not to expect anything from him.

I won’t risk myself ever again.

 

But I had to try my luck again.

Let’s bargain this time, I convinced myself.

I’d give him up after fourteen days.

If I failed.

 

Oh, hello February!

 

I only had fourteen days left.

Fourteen days left before I finally realize that he’s either for me.

Or for somebody else

 

I didn’t mind if he didn’t give me anything for Valentine’s Day. As long as I knew he had the same feelings as mine, then it’s all going to be fine.

But how was I going to do it?

I don’t want to corner him and bombard him with questions that, I know, would pressure him. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself or hurt myself with useless hoping and frustrate myself with things that aren’t supposed to happen.

But it was the only way.

These were the answers to my questions.

 

So screw it, I threw those expected norms out of the window and did what I had to.

 

It was a bit early for Valentine’s and I was trying not to get my hopes up.

Trust me, I did everything I could.

 

---

 

We just came from a contest and I was dog-tired yet I had managed to meet up with him.

We were supposed to look for a gift for his friend but he invited me to watch a movie instead.

 

So we watched together but I had a numb arm.

I was just trying to bring back its life. I couldn’t work right with a numb arm.

So Luhan was seated beside me, I don’t know but I was quite sure he was a bit bugged by my situation because I was grumping and complaining all about it.

“You know what the best remedy for that is?” He asked.

I eyed him. “What?”

“Here.” He told me, took my arm and slowly intertwined his fingers with mine.

 

He held my hand.

Yes, he did and I wanted to scream and shout that time, in the theatre.

He was holding my hand!

 

Then I remembered.

Chances… I gave him too much.

But when he took my hand, I knew it was worth giving.

 

I’d given up on him so many times, countless times.

But at some point, I’d still return to him.

And it’s not normal for a person to do that.

 

By the way, that time, I had to act normal. I tried to act normally.

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

He held my hand until the film ended.

 

We talked about things that entered our thoughts. Almost anything we could think about.

 

And he brought me home that night.

He was acting like a gentleman again.

And I hated him for that because I was falling more.

 

So the next few weeks, we started to hang out together.

Hanging out secretly?

Maybe, I wasn’t sure.

But getting to see him every morning made my heart skip a beat.

 

He would casually hold my hand, lean in closer to me, or drape his arm around my shoulder.

I didn’t say anything.

I felt secured and safe when I was with him.

 

One day, he held my hand and told me I was special for him.

 

He didn’t tell me he liked me,

He told me that I WAS SPECIAL FOR HIM.

 

C’MON DUDE, CAN’T YOU JUST GET TO THE POINT?

You are frustrating me.

And you are so confusing.

Yes, male species are so confusing you’d want to open their heads and dissect it just so you could get all the information you want from them.

But I didn’t want to rush things.

Yes, no pressure please.

 

But I like that guy.

I might wake up one day only to realize that he’s gone for good.

And I didn’t want that.

 

Then we hanged out again before my recital started.

And before I left, he kissed my forehead.

Dude, what was that all about?

 

So the whole time I was rehearsing, I was thinking about it.

Guys don’t do those things unless they liked the girl.

 

Wait, does he like me now?

No, too impossible.

Maybe it was just a reaction he did because I hugged him.

Yes, I did and I was not sorry about it.

 

So after that incident, or even before that, he still had his ‘boyfriend attitude’ on.

But since that incident, he started to kiss my forehead every time we’d part ways.

 

Then Valentine’s Day came.

I wasn’t expecting for anything to happen.

But I was expecting him to at least say something.

 

Although he didn’t

But he gave me something.

A box of expensive chocolates.

I wasn’t expecting that.

 

Do guys do that when they like the girl?

Yes?

 

Can somebody give me an answer now?

I’m confused as hell.

 

So that day, he kept company before I returned home.

The ‘one-arm-wrapped-around-my-shoulder’ was still there and so was the ‘kiss-on-the-forehead-before-he-leaves’ was also present.

 

Then while I was riding on my way home, of course with my best friend who’d never leave me hanging during the roughest times, I had thought about something.

 

Everything that included me, him, us.

 

 

I may not hear him say those words I’ve been waiting for.

But I’ve felt it.

 

He might have other things on mind right now.

But I hope I crossed him at least one time.

 

I’d wait until he’d realize.

But I won’t be all pressure-ry and clingy about it.

 

I won’t lie this time.

But I won’t leave anyone hanging. Not even him.

 

I won’t force anything to happen.

I’d just let fate take its proper course.

 

One day, I’d wake up and realize it was just a dream.

Or maybe I’d hurt myself again with these stupid assumptions.

But right now, I’m living the way I want to.

 

He’s just by my side.

I’m happy in some way.

He’s making me happy in some way.

 

I am happy.

I’m happy I did not give him up.

I’m happy I did not let bad things get in the way.

I’m happy I trusted my will despite my doubts.

I’m happy with every decision I made.

 

 

 

He’s Luhan after all.

 

 

 

Did I mention I like him very much? :)