I stopped to look at him. My spine sharpened.

                  An overgrown child. This repeated through my mind. A kid. A kid…

                  I had to keep repeating this to myself as I looked in Taemin’s eyes. But now, he didn’t look like a kid at all, nor a man, nor anything really—just Taemin. Just Taemin.

                 What am I doing… what are you doing…

                  I heard her voice in the background of my thoughts, disapproving and judgmental; I tried to drown her out. She wouldn’t understand this—hell, I didn’t even understand. But what’s a slight misunderstanding between guys, any way? That’s all it was… a misunderstanding. I’m sure he’d forgive it…

                  “Hyung… I think you have the wrong idea…” Taemin managed. He was shaking a little as he said it. Fear or nerves, I couldn’t tell, so I assumed the former.

                  I scurry off him, shamefully skirting eye contact now. I don’t really know what to say. I realize how pathetic I am—the new lows I had sunk to are astounding. Taemin probably had some hot little girl somewhere; why was I doing this to him? Why did I assume, blankly, that he would even remotely like it—or would I…?

                  “Jesus god—I am so sorry, Taemin.” This was my honest attempt. I really was sorry. I wasn’t a monster, and I didn’t want him to think I was. I was a nice person. A nice, sane, rational person. Wasn’t I? Not that he probably thought that—I’ve done nothing but crazy things since we met.

                  But I’m really not. I’m not… right?

                  Everything up until made sense in my head because I was the one in control. Because all things only affected only me. But this… that expression in his eyes that I would never forget, the feeling of his tense, innocent body beneath mine—that wasn’t sane or rational. This wasn’t a control that I wanted; this was wrong. Terrible. And it affected so much more than myself.

                  I would have expected him to hate me. I would have expected him to bolt out of that room, outraged. But he remained there, sitting on my bed quietly and seemingly deep in thought. “It’s… it’s okay, hyung,” he managed, though I didn’t believe him any more than I think he did. “I’m sure it’s just part of your sickness right now—”

                  I could still taste him on my lips. Maybe he was right; maybe I really was sick. Way more than I realized. I wanted to smile at him, but I was too busy hating myself to even offer that much. He was being far too generous. We both knew it. “Seriously, I don’t know what the hell came over me. I’m really, really sorry.”

                  “It’s all right.” Taemin was rubbing his wrist now, sitting up on the bed but looking down. Clearly, my advance had startled him. Of course it did; who treats another human this way? It really wasn’t like me. None of this was…

                  “I’m not—”

                  More disbelief. “No?”

                  “No…”

                  There was a moment here we mutually had no idea what to say. It was more than awkward now; I was sitting far away from him now, pillow in my lap and head hung low as he picked up the plate again and slid off the bed. Honestly, he could have walked out of my room—my house, my life—forever and I wouldn’t have blamed him one bit. In fact, it wouldn’t have shocked me if he belted me in the face. Slung obscenities at me. Anything. Anything at all. I not only expected it, I knew I deserved it. And in a way, I wanted it. 

                   The only thing that would have surprised me was the very thing he did: turned his head as he reached the bedroom door and managed a soft, light smile before saying in an enigmatic whisper: “I think I understand you, hyung. But you still have yet to understand me.”

 * * *

                  After some time alone in my room, I came to the realization that I needed to get back to work. I needed to get out of the house, anything, something. Being cooped up here for the past few days had obviously made me lose perspective. A grip on reality. How could I have ever let myself get so carried away? To confuse him with anyone else? To see him as anything but a man, a person with real, legitimate feelings? I'd been too busy focusing on myself that I didn't even stop to consider. I’d never thought myself capable of hurting another person this way. Hurting myself was one thing, hurting someone else a different thing altogether. And I certainly couldn’t leave this world with that kind of sin hanging over my head. Not until I made it right.

                  First things first: I needed to try to talk to him one last time. Yet when I found him in the hallway, it seemed Taemin had the same idea: to get out of the house, and with good reason why.   

                  “Tae-min…” I start, though no follow-up words come to mind. He already had his coat on, and was now wrapping a single-colored scarf around his small neck. I didn’t want him to leave; I really felt it now, the reality of my need for his presence, however strange it might be. “I really am sorry… please don’t feel like you have to go if you don’t want to.”

                  “But I have to,” he said determinately.

                  Of course he did. Who would want to stay in this house with a madman like me? A near-? A sadistic ? I had never been so ashamed in all my life. “I understand…”

                  I continued to watch him as he made for the door. It occurred to me then that I would possibly lose my job for causing a scandal. For taking advantage of a nice person who only had good intentions. For assaulting an employee. For trying to take something that wasn't mine—something I didn't even understand why I wanted in the first place. For being an all-around, Grade-A unfeeling, selfish and immature, inconsiderate .

                  However, the reality was, given my position, his job was more endangered than mine. Especially since few people would believe him. “I won’t deny it, you know. When you tell Mr. Roh—I’ll tell him everything was my fault. I won’t lie.”

                  This seemed to take Taemin by surprise. “What are you talking about, hyung?”           

                  “You can press charges if you want even. If it’s too embarrassing, you can just claim I tried to fight you… anything you say, I won’t deny it. Just so you know.”

                  He looked at me as if I were speaking another language. “Er… I think you have the wrong idea again.”

                  “No, I’m finally thinking clearly.”

                  “Hm… okay, hyung. Whatever you say.”

                  “I’m sure this will be the last time we meet… I just want to say, Taemin, it was really nice of you to take care of me while you did. Again, I’m sorry for everything.”               

                  Here, Taemin laughed. Laughed. And not a “ you, Choi Minho” kind of laugh—but a different kind. A kind I did not necessarily understand. “Oh!” he exclaimed. “This side of you I did not expect!”

                  “Why are you laughing?” I say.

                  “You are cute this way.”

                  I blushed a little. He must have noticed.

                  “Ah~ vasocongestion,” he chuckled, pointing at my enflamed cheeks. “I get it now.”

                  I blushed even more.

                  “Anything you need while I’m out?”

                  “Eh?”

                  “Dinner, hyung. I have to get groceries,” said Taemin as easily as that. “And there are things I need at my apartment if I'm going to be staying here. Where did you think I was going all this time?”

                  Unable to properly reply, I just stood there, stunned, as he waved goodbye.

_________

A/N: 

A short update, but I wanted to assure anyone who was worried that our poor HoHo didn't Taem. He could never do that, right? He'd never hurt his Minnie--and I seriously doubt that the Taemin in this story would 'let' him. The purpose of that scene was more to show Minho's continual transition, both emotionally and mentally.

I know a lot of you are really curious about Taem's secrets. I'll be revealing more, little by little, starting with the next chaper~ please stay tuned!      

Best, UnnieM ♥