I’m not an . Everyone has a reason for doing something, even if that reason is as simple as just wanting to do it for kicks. But that’s not why I did it.

Yesung adopted me when I was ten. He and Siwon weren’t yet together, but they were business partners. As a child, I could already tell that they had feelings for one another. I wanted something as special as that. Yesung would give me stories of knights and princesses every night and I read them diligently. Time passed by and I was given stories about revolutions and rebellions for a cause.

The times I wasn’t reading and learning, Yesung taught me about fine dining and business. He showed me how to address people properly, dress for an occasion, and defend myself without weapons. Fire arms would come when I turned sixteen.

At school, I was kept to myself. There was only one person I spoke to. His name isn’t important, not anymore at least. He treated me with respect and affection. As much as Yesung attempted to be a father figure, he would always be more of a mentor. I had never been looked at with so much love.

I had no idea that there was anything like puppy love. That’s what it ended up being though.

When my eighteenth birthday passed by, I was ready to give up the world to be with this person. He made my heart race and when I looked at him, I wanted nothing to do with the world Yesung raised me up in. I had no desire for revolution – not when I had found my safe haven in this corrupt world. Why did I have to care about helping everyone else when they hadn’t helped me?

I finally found a place to belong and turning against the world meant turning against him and our peaceful future.

It wasn’t worth it. I would rather live a lie than pursue a difficult truth.

Yesung disagreed profusely. I was called foolish and at the time I didn’t understand why. Well, he showed me.

Night came one day. Yesung called me to one of their warehouses. I went as instructed and found Yesung with my lover at the time. A gunshot cracked the air. I ducked, hearing it break concrete behind me.

“.”

 That’s what I remembered: that one word full of disappointment and fear. I stood and stared back at him. There was no explanation for shooting at me, but I wanted to hear him tell me something – anything, for his behavior.

Had Yesung told him to do it? Was a gun held to his back? And if there was a gun held to his back, why had he still pulled the trigger?

I was raised to believe that when you find the person you’re meant to be with, their life means more to you than your own. It’s fair. That way, your life is as important as mine. If you love me as much as you should, you would throw your life away for me. If I love you as much as I should, I would make sure your life is never thrown away. We’re supposed to be two sides of the same coin.

“He said if I shot you, he would give me enough money for school and get me a secure job in the future,” he told me hastily.

“That’s all it took?” I asked, leaving the distance between us.

“I wasn’t going to kill you, Hae. I swear. I just need the money and he said he would definitely patch you up afterwards.”

“And what about us?” Stupid question.

He smiled in this deranged way that made me want to—click…

I guess that answered that.

For all of my life, I will never forget the silence. Blood trickled from his chest and dribbled from his mouth. There was blankness in his eyes. I should’ve felt bad. I should’ve regretted killing him. How could I though?

“You killed him, Donghae.”

“I know.” Of course I knew. He showed me love. He showed me what it felt like to not be alone anymore. I wanted to be normal. I didn’t want to be a revolutionary if he was willing to let me stay with him.

But why did I have to kill him?

I knew what Yesung was like. If I hadn’t shot him, then he would’ve shot me. I saw it in his eyes. He was ready to kill me for what he wanted. To him, I was a quick and a high school “I love you.” We weren’t ever going to have a happy ending.

No matter what choice I made, it wouldn’t have involved him, because we’re characters of a different story. I’m the boy who changes the world. He was the knight waiting for a damsel. God, I wanted to be the knight. I wanted him to be my damsel and I wanted a happily ever after.

I wish I was joking.

Two years later, Yesung and Siwon announced that they would being training Siwon’s successor. I was curious. Who wouldn’t be? After all this time, Siwon had finally found someone worthy of his title. What kind of person would be my partner?

Yesung had told me many times before that it didn’t matter if it was romantic or not. My business partner would be the person who stood beside me through everything. He or She would be the other half of my coin if everything went according to plan. You could imagine how little faith I had in the whole process.

Furthermore, you could clearly see how skeptical I was once Siwon’s successor showed himself.

Kim Ryeowook. The son of an officer would be my partner.

He wasn’t just a son of an officer though; he was also tiny and androgynous. His eyes were dark and large, set in a porcelain face. Every muscle was lean to match his slenderness. If all of that wasn’t enough, his voice was musically high and smooth. I couldn’t take him seriously. I bet if I touched him, he would fly ten feet.

That’s how fragile he was in my eyes.

To make matters even dimmer, this poor boy didn’t even realize he was in love with a delinquent. No. The delinquent didn’t realize he was in love with Ryeowook. They were a pair of idiots obsessed with one another. I studied them for the weeks leading up to Ryeowook’s trial.

The boy, Kyuhyun, seemed to go over to Ryeowook’s house a lot. They had sleepovers from what I could tell. At school, Kyuhyun didn’t make much contact, but it was clear that there was chemistry at all times of the day.

And then Siwon took him to the whorehouse. I downloaded the security video of them. It was a clever plan on Siwon’s part. Once the kid saw his father’s disgusting ways, he would be convinced of the sin of the world. I expected him to cry or beg or something pathetic when he saw the foulness of his parent.

What I didn’t expect was the delicate figure to stand up, draw a knife and stab the monitor. that was scary. Granted, he puked afterwards, but it was still shocking. I understood what Siwon saw in him then.

There was a silent power behind the pretty face. He sort of reminded me of Yesung: quiet, but effective and strict in his convictions.

I took an interest in him after that. There were cameras set up inside of his home, and although I rarely checked them out, I did that night. Kyuhyun was waiting for him and I watched them dance together in the bedroom. Things escalated and I turned off the camera, not wanting to watch the inevitable.

The next day, Ryeowook came with his luggage. I didn’t speak to him yet, nor did I formally meet him. Siwon was keeping him locked away or running errands.

I kept tabs on Kyuhyun, but mostly I paid attention to Ryeowook’s growth. Little by little, I started wanting to know him in person. What was he like behind the hardworking mask? Did he have a funny, clumsy side?

An answer came one day, though. Yesung told me to come with him and when we arrived, I stepped out to see Siwon coming out of a building with Ryeowook in tow. The face I had seen hundreds of times on camera feeds was finally before me. He met my gaze, but I still couldn’t tell what he was thinking. There were flickers of emotion, but they faded within seconds.

Everything was a flurry of work after that meeting. I expected as much. My assumptions concerning Ryeowook were spot on. It wasn’t that difficult to ascertain what he was like in person after studying him for so long. The first few tests were hard, but it gradually grew worse and ended up pushing Ryeowook to his limits.

That was the point.

I didn’t have any special feelings about dunking his head into a bathtub full of water. If he died, that meant he was stupid and I already knew he wasn’t stupid. That was why I didn’t have to go easy on him. Ryeowook was a fighter. He wouldn’t give in just because the odds were against him.

Love…is probably what you’re thinking right now.

Maybe I did love him, but it was highly unlikely considering how little we knew about each other. Observations and occasional stalking couldn’t show you the person behind the glitz and glamour or dirt and musk.

More weeks passed by in relative quiet. We were diligently working which I had no qualms about. The only real issue had to be Ryeowook’s stubbornness when it came to our assignments. He did as he was supposed to, but the problem was how long it took to break down his walls.

For instance, one of the many torture-resistance missions was to stay chained upside-down for twenty-four hours. If he couldn’t handle it, then he could call the safe word: Daylight. When I underwent the same training, I remember calling out three times in total. He panicked nearly every three hours. I understood him to a certain extent, but it made me wonder what kept him from truly focusing.

I had seen Ryeowook stab the image of his father. He had guts and drive, so if he had the nerve to ruthlessly desecrate his parent in any form, why couldn’t he bring himself to calmly go through training?

Then he started screaming at night.

It didn’t take long until I confronted him and realized what the problem had been from the beginning.

Cho Kyuhyun.

He kept Ryeowook teetering on the edge. Whenever the latter began feeling too far from the past, he turned around and shuffled back. Kyuhyun made him feel like there was a home to go back to. That boy was the reason Ryeowook couldn’t completely give himself over.

So I planned their end. I made sure that things went right and Ryeowook gave up. I needed him to be dedicated to our cause.

And just maybe…just maybe I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

“Why did Yesung and Siwon take Ryeowook? …please, tell me.” That’s what Kyuhyun had begged of me. It was strange to hear someone so weak and desperate. But more than all of that, I felt angry.

I didn’t want to tell him about Ryeowook. They were meaningless to one another those days, so why couldn’t he just be mine? Somewhere along the way, he had become the only person who wouldn’t vanish. I had someone to care for and I wasn’t planning on sharing. So I told him: “I doubt I’m at liberty to discuss these things with an outsider.”

That wasn’t true, of course. Yesung and Siwon liked Kyuhyun.

I kept going though, saying: “Ryeowook is none of your concern anymore. I’ll take care of him from now on. This phone line will go dead, so refrain from trying to call.”

Then I broke the phone. Cho Kyuhyun could have anyone else in the world. His path was filled with encounters. But Ryeowook and I walked the same road, just two vigilantes seeking our own form of justice.