Did you ever feel like giving up on everything ? Put an end to you life ? To your pain, your disillusionment, your despair ? I do. Every day. I cant handle this existence anymore. It dont make sense. No, nothing has a sense anymore. I've always been seen as a weak and useless girl... maybe they were right finally. I acted like a rebel. But deep inside, I was just scared. Scared of loosing him. But I went too far.. I've been taken by my own game, I really became one of them. I shouldnt. Its what lost me. Its what made me lose him...

Before, I barely knew anything about the world. My parents were divorced and to dont fight to know who would have to take care of me, they send me in a sort of orphanage. Like this, they could see me when they wanted. Or, when they had time. My father got married again, and he had three others kids. I got along well with the eldest, he was nice and protective with me. I oved spending time with him. The other guy was nice too, maybe too much. Well, really too much. But at this time, naive girl that I was, I didnt understand what I felt. And even less what he felt to me. He loved me. I was happy about it, sincerily. But I didnt understand what it implied. We were linked by the blood in our veins, we couldnt be together. He didnt give a about the fact that we were siblings, and I, stupid girl, I didnt see what was wrong with all this situation. And then, there was the youngest of the family. I never really understood why she hated me so much. It hurt me a lot at this time, not anymore. But this, is another story.

So I came from the orphanage, where they didnt teach me anything about life. I always had a tutor so I didnt meet a lot of people who had the same age as me. Except my brothers and sisters. Its probably for this that I hangged to them that much. And then, I met him. I dont really remember where or when it was, but I perfectly remember what I felt at this moment. This pressure in my chest, my senses that blurred for a moment. He made me keel over. I didnt know what was happening, all I knew is that I would have follow him to the end of world and that I would have done anything to be with him, to be his. My parents were against this, my brother too by the way. They said he wasnt pleasant enough to meet, that he would have a bad influence on me. I didnt even know what this meant. To me, he was the ideal man and I wanted to be perfect to him. And the more they prevented me to see him, the more, of course, I wanted to see him. Even if I had to run away from home for that. But he made me promise to dont do that, he wanted me to go to highschool, to see people, to have... a normal life... I didnt care about all this, I just wanted to be by his side. See more and more his smile that made my heart beats like a crazy. This smile that was only for me. He was always cold and distant with everyone. Except me. And it made me feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

I often heard my parents argue because of him. My father was clearly against the fact that I was close to him while my mother kept saying that I was young and that I had to experiment love and life. My father ended up giving up and said she was right. With hindsight, I think its at this moment that my life toggled, to come to the hell which is mine now. Insu, the gy I love till I lost my mind. He loved parties, drinks and have fun. I didnt know anything about all this. I never drank a drop of alcohol, and didnt enter in a club either. So when he took me there for the first time, I must admit that at first, I was a bit scared. All those new things impressed me, but intrigued me too. And the way he looked at me. Each time I could feel my cheeks turn red, but he made me want to surpass myself so he would desire me more day by day. So he would only look at me, me and only me and make him forget about all the girls around him. I quicky got used to the taste of the beer, even if the others alcohols still loathed me. But disadvantages when you're not used to beer, its that your blood boils way faster. And its like this that I discovered that I was pretty, that I could be attracted and y when I wanted to. Big mistake. It helped to make me fall. Anyway, even if my brother spent his time chaperonned me and argued a lot with Insu, it didnt stop me. I wanted to become one of those girls, confident, who knew what she wanted and always had what they wished. Me, I wanted Insu. And I already had him, but I was too stupid to realize it. I slowly became a regular in parties and I changed. I changed my clothes of little shy girl to more womanly clothes. Less fabric, more skin exposed. My parents' point of view didnt matter at all anymore. And anyway, I didnt ask them their agreement to do anything. As long as Insu was there, I was there too. I could have keep doing like this during a long time, until a click made me stop. Temporarly at least. My younger brother, Daeyeon... He told me something that hurt me deep inside. Because it was him who said it, him, this brother I loved so much and who loved me even more. He said I was a . I never considered myself like this, and I didnt know what I did to deserve being called this way suddenly. To me, a was a girl who have with everybody, who wasnt faithful. But I was faithful. I couldnt see anything else than the man of my life. So why ? It took me a long time to understand. Till this sensation invaded me. This lack. Since Daeyeon told me this, he didnt talk to me anymore and clearly avoided me. At first, I was hurt, so I didnt want to see him anymore. But then, I seriously started to miss him. So much that even when I was with insu, I wasnt as happy as before. So I acted bravely and went to see him. Another mistake. I missed him too much, just as he missed me. Before I even had the time to understand anything, we were kissing as if our lives were depending on it. I couldnt understand anything. Why I loved the much the sensation of his lips on mine while Insu was the one I loved. After that, I finally understood. I wasnt a , not in the usual way. But because without wanting it, I gave more and more hope to Daeyeon, and when I become more desirable for Insu, I was too for my brother. I got lost during a few days. Until Insu discovered I kissed another guy than him. The way he looked at me at this moment... I felt my heart break into pieces. I was repugnant to him. It hurt, so badly. Yeah, I missed Daeyeon, but without Insu, it was worst. I didnt want to live anymore. I made everything I could to make him trust me again, to prove him I loved him, to make him forgive me. And he gave up. Because he sincerily loved me back. I understood it at this moment. Finally... and I stupidly thought things would go well after this. That we would live a perfect love. Big mistake, again. I changed, maybe too much. I wasnt... different anymore. And I could see that Insu didnt like it. He first fell in love with me because I wasnt like all the others girls. Now I looked like them. My style, my tatoo on my lower back, because I loved his and I wanted to try it too, the way I lived. It wasnt the real me but I lost myself. And my man didnt trully loved me anymore... so I went back to my father. Weird choice after all the things I did, I know. But I knew that no matter what, I would always stay his dear daughter. He comforted me, more than I expected. I stared at the days that passed, one after another. Quickly and too slowly at the same time. I could see Insu go away from me little by little and it was killing me. Even if he loved me, I was losing interest, it was clear. But I didnt know what to do. I couldnt bring back the one I was before. I could find back my lost innocence... i painfully realized that all this was my fault. All my choices. I thought I did for the best but I was wrong. And I was paying the price... I was loosing Insu, until the day he completely left me. He didnt even really said it. He simply stop to come to see me, had less and less time to answer my texts and my calls. Then... nothing. As if our love never existed. All I till have of him, it was a picture. A picture of his wonderful smile. This smile I would never see again... I spent my time crying, then my body itself gave up on me...

Did you ever feel like giving up on everything ? Put an end to you life ? To your pain, your disillusionment, your despair ? I do. Every day. I cant handle this existence anymore. It dont make sense. No, nothing has a sense anymore. I've always been seen as a weak and useless girl... maybe they were right finally. I acted like a rebel. But deep inside, I was just scared. Scared of loosing him. But I went too far.. I've been taken by my own game, I really became one of them. I shouldnt. Its what lost me. Its what made me lose him...

The bottom of the bathtub is cold against my back. I can feel myself disappear, slowly. Memories run in my mind. I feel dizzy, I wanna vomit. I hate myself. Im repugnant. And say that I dare crying on my sad life while Im the one who created all this... while I broke Insu's heart... not a second, I stopped thinking about him. Without him, nothing has a flavor, nothing is warm. Even the blood that's slowly running from my wrists. Daeyeon will hate me for leaving like this... appa will feel guilty... but what else can I do ? I dont have anything left... Insu will probably think he was right to gave up on me. A girl as pitiful as me...

My blood is beating in my temples, its painful, but soothing too. I know it wont last long. My body is already extremely weak. I dont even remember the last time I ate properly, the last time I smiled...

Insu... if we meet again in our next life, I promise I wont mess everything... so forgive me...

and farewell, my love...

...