“99, 100,” the drill sergeant barked. The smell of sweat was thick in the air as the large group of soldiers finished their last set of pushups for the day. They were all dressed in the same drab camouflage shirts and slacks. Some proudly showed their buzzed heads while others hid it beneath their crisp caps. The camp itself was drab and gray. No bright colors stood out from the endless sea of army shades.

            “That’s it for today boys,” the drill sergeant continued.

            “Yes sir," the soldiers stood up and saluted in one clean cut motion.

            They all wanted to be released as soon as possible and go back to living in civilization with their loved ones. They all passed each day waiting in agony, worrying about the life that was going on without them. They were all normal boys from normal backgrounds serving their mandatory two years in the military. All except for one. He was standing in the second row, fourth person till the end.  His cap was placed neatly atop his head, his uniform clean without a single wrinkle. Dried up trails of sweat stained his porcelain face. He looked like any other soldier standing the room but at the same time he was different.

            The others tried hard not to slouch and maintain good posture, while he stood upright flawlessly, his back as straight as a plank of wood. The other faces showed signs of tiredness and weariness from the long day of training. His face however, was emotionless, his concentration soaking in each of the final words the drill sergeant said.

            A final salute and the soldiers lined up trumping uniformly to their dorms. When they reached the safety of their quarters, they all sighed. Some even dropped to floor and laid there, too tired to even move one more step. The different soldier walked straight to his shared room and sat on his creaky bed. He was tired too but hated showing weakness.

            “Tough day huh?” one of the other soldiers, Minhun, patted him on the back.

            “Yeah,” he grunted back.

            “Only one more year left man. Then we can go back to our normal lives!”

            He nodded his head back in response.

            “The first thing I’m going to do is go out to a bar and drink my heart out,” Minhun fantasized with a gleam in his eyes.

            The other soldier just sat there, not responding, eyes blank.

            “Oh sorry man. Hit a sensitive spot didn’t I?” Minhun apologized.

            “It’s okay,” he finally replied back.

            “Minhun! So Nyu Shi Dae’s on!” another soldier called out.

            “I’ll be right there!” he called back. “See you later Youngwoon, he finished before bolting out of the room and into the lounge.

            “Youngwoon,” the left over soldier whispered to himself. “Kim Youngwoon.” The name rolled awkwardly out of his mouth. He laughed at himself. After a year spent in the military, he still wasn’t used to people calling him that. He only felt comfortable with that name when it was his family calling him.

            He heard hoots and whistles come out of the lounge as Taeyeon’s familiar voice began to belt out notes. He smiled to himself. Taeyeon was always one of his favorite hoobaes. He remembers the years they spent hosting that radio show together. He remembers how hurt she had been when she found out what he had done.

            The song finished and he heard Heechul’s mcing voice. Was it already a mid-year special? He clung onto everyone of his hyung’s voice wanting to melt in them. He heard the familiar laughter of other hoobaes filling up the stage.

            It was too much for him. He grabbed is pillow and covered his ears, burying his body deep into his thin mattress. He didn’t want to hear anymore. It hurt too much to hear those familiar voices. This was why he never watched the performances. Just hearing them made him crazy. He couldn’t imagine what would really happen if he saw their smiling faces.

            He buried himself deeper, humming nonsense to himself until he finally slipped into sleep.

            He woke up an hour later. The lights were all out so he assumed all the others had already hit the sack. He smelled himself, the sweaty stench hadn’t evaporated like he had hoped. He got up from his bed, trying to minimize the creaking. When he realized it was impossible to get up without the rusty bed springs making some sort of noise, he stood up swiftly and walked over to his belongings. He grabbed a gray towel, gray t-shirt, a pair of boxers, black shirts, and his toothbrush.

            He shuffled quietly to the bathhouse. He wasn’t surprised when he found it empty. No sane soldier would be up at this hour when they could be getting that precious needed sleep.

            He rid himself of his sweat-stained clothes and stepped into one of the shower stalls. He turned the wiggly shower knob and let the steamy water run over him. He sighed. Who ever knew a hot shower could seem to wash away all his problems? If only it could be that easy.

            He squeezed a dime-size blob of shampoo into his hand and started to wash his hair. He chuckled when he realized his hair was still pretty much nonexistent. It’s been a year and he still wasn’t used to the feeling of his fingers running through the soft fuzz he called ‘hair’.

            He examined his sculpted body as he finished washing up. He had lost a few pounds and gained some muscle. Heck, he now had abs and biceps that even Siwon would be jealous of. He missed that religious horse. In the army there was no one to nag him about his sins anymore.

            He stepped out the shower and towel dried himself before putting on his clothes. Either the shirt had grown or he had shrunk. The gray t-shirt that use to fit snugly on him when he had first entered the military was now hanging loosely over his built frame.

            Youngwoon walked over to a sink and began to brush his teeth. The mirror was all fogged up from the steam from his shower. After the three minutes of brushing, he spit out the foamy concoction. He gargled water and spit again. Using the towel he wiped his face and looked straight into his reflection. Except it wasn’t him. The fog had faded and left him staring at a reflection that didn’t resemble him.

            He remembers how the fans nicknamed him raccoon. Now he had dark circles under his eyes just like a raccoon. He used to get circles under his eyes when he was training too but they had never been this bad. A finger went up to rub the circles away as if they were just chalk. What surprised him wasn’t that the circle didn’t disappear, but how rough the pads of his finger were. He brought his hand up for closer examination. They were calloused and rough. They weren’t the smooth, soft hands that held microphones anymore. They were the hands that did hundreds of pushups a day. They were the hands that were expected to kill if they were invited to war.

            His hands dropped to his side and he picked up his belongings and began to head back to his room. He was halfway there when he realized he wouldn’t be able to sleep the rest of the night. So he decided to head to the rooftop. He climbed each step slowly. When he reached the rooftop, he rolled his towel and placed it on the floor. He laid down, his neck and head resting on the towel. He looked at the midnight sky and was greeted by thousands of shining stars. They reminded him of their song, ‘Shining Star’. Were s looking at the stars too? He remembered Donghae used to look at the stars because they were comforting. Donghae would trick Kyuhyun into thinking that they were going to play Starcraft and then drag him out to go stargazing. Then Eunhyuk and Sungmin would get jealous and follow them outside. Pretty soon each member would be out on the balcony, leaning against each other stargazing.

            Youngwoon had always liked those nights. They would just sit there and stare at the stars for hours after a tiring schedule. Just like he was doing now, except he was alone.

            His stomach growled. For dinner all they had was bread. He wanted real food. He closed his eyes and drifted into Super Junior’s kitchen. Ryeowook was making dinner and the rest of the crew were already crowded around their small, beaten up, wooden dining table. He wanted to be there, sitting at that table watching the boys throw food at each other. He wanted to be there fighting Eunhyuk and Shindong for the last piece of meat before it was decided that it would be split into three.

            He opens his eyes and realizes that he really isn’t sitting at that table. He sighs again and shakes his head. He misses s so much. He remembers when Kyuhyun had joined the group. Like the others he had opposed the magnae joining. Kyuhyun was the shy, awkward, new member who had grown to be evil and cocky boy that they all loved.  He remembered how the magnae had clutched at his chest and shook crying when he was trying to convince Eunhyuk that Super Junior was falling apart all those years ago on EHB.

            Youngwoon remembers Intimate Note where he had become closer with pink bunny Sungmin. When the younger had spit coke in his face, he was embarrassed, but now he would give anything to relive that moment.

            Yesung’s turtle had always annoyed him when he found it lying on his head. He had threatened Yesung more than once that he was going to make turtle soup but now he missed the feel of the reptile’s cold shell against his flesh. Sure he often made fun of Hankyung’s broken Korean but it wasn’t the same without hearing someone stutter every few minutes. He had to admit he missed Kibum too. Kibum was the quiet one who kept the peace.

            And oh Teukie. He missed his Leeteuk hyung so much. He remembers the nights Teukie stayed up waiting for him when he came home drunk. How Leeteuk would fold him up into his arms until the pounding hangover faded. He had thrown up on their leader more than once. Yet the elder had always cleaned up with Ryeowook following with a mop and wet rag.

            There was that one night when he came home drunker than ever. There was no Leeteuk waiting on the couch for him that night. He had walked to the bathroom and threw up, almost missing the toilet. He had turned around to an angry Donghae and was greeted with a punch.

            “You’re ruining us hyung,” Donghae and said with his teeth gritted together. “You’re ruining everything Teukie hyung built for us.” The younger then slipped back into his bedroom leaving Youngwoon to contemplate his words.

            After the assault case he promised them he would be a good boy. They welcomed him back with open arms. The best kind of love he had ever received was from s. He would never forget the look on their faces after the drunken driving hit-and-run incident. They all stared at him as if he were a caged zoo animal. Not a word was spoken between any of them as they all stood in the center of the living room, their feet and hearts heavy, filled thick like lead. Their gazes spelt disappointment, betrayal, and worst of all hurt. He had never wanted to hurt them. Leeteuk looked down and shook his head with a hand pinching the bridge of his nose.

            “Hyung,” Youngwoon had croaked.

            Leeteuk responded by walking away. The others stared at him some more. Their gazes filled with tears and tore at his vulnerable chest. One by one, they shook their heads like their leader and slipped away. No one, not even Sungmin and Ryeowook was on his side this time. The last one standing in front of him was Donghae.

            “I told you hyung. I told you so,” Donghae had said, tears dripping down his pale face, his head shaking before he disappeared like the rest of them.

            Youngwoon sighed deeply for the nth time that night and looked at the stars again. He willed himself not to cry. He would not cry, not now. If he cried he would be letting everyone down. His walls would come crumbling down and there would be no one here to glue him back together.

            He would be strong and go back to society as a better person than he has ever been. He knew no matter what s and fans would welcome him back. He needed to deserve their love though. He would work hard so he would jump back into their arms without the guilt. He would become the best there ever was.

            When he had first walked into the military camp a sergeant had barked at him like he did every other soldier standing in line, “Who are you?”

            He had answered, “Kim Youngwoon, member of South Korea’s army!”

            Now starring at the stars he asked himself, “Who are you?”

            He answered, “I am Kangin, member of Super Junior, Korea’s number one handsome guy.”

            “Kangin,” he mumbled himself to sleep that night, loving the way it rolled off his tongue.

            “Kangin, Kangin, Kangin.”  

**Thanks for reading!**