It has been years since that last encounter but I could still remember as if it was yesterday. I don’t even know why I’m feeling like this when I now don’t hold any bitterness inside of me. Maybe it’s because of the rain. Maybe it’s because of this damned weather but here I am wrapped up sitting on my bed gazing at the droplets by the window. Thinking about, remembering how it felt like hurts me no more. I can vividly recall everything but I can’t remember the feeling.

******************************

“I’m planning to ask Jin-ah to marry me” his words pierced my heart. He, who was my friend all this time, told me something I rather not hear. This is the person whom I could give all of my heart but chose not to.

I could not even mutter a word of congratulations. Seems like eons ago since he broke the news. I must’ve looked like an idiot when I finally composed myself and looked at him. He had this worried look on his face. “When?”

“Tonight. I wanted you to be the first to know.” He told me, smiling. Please don’t look at me that way. I turn my head to stop the tears from falling. You shouldn’t see me crying. Not here. Not now.

You lightly touch my arm and look at me with warmth. Please don’t look at me like that. Then, against my will the tears fall. Why does it fail me now? I turn my head but could see that you were looking at me in question.

“Are you okay?” he says. I look at you, you might get the wrong idea. I wanted too much to tell you how I feel but not now. Not now.

“I’m just happy for you.” I told you that lie. Isn’t it ironic that in front of you I wish you the best but deep in my heart, in a place where I only know, I am shattered?

“I’m glad Hyojinnie that you approve.” Hyojin. The fact that you call me by my real name makes my heart swell. Not JeA, leader of BEG. Just plain Hyojin. He told me, smiling.

“How could I not? You obviously love her very much. And as a friend, I am so happy for you.” So happy it hurts.

“Then why do you look like you’re crying?” he told me.

I am inside. I want to tell you this but I just hugged you. “As if you don’t know me Seung. I’m forever a crybaby.”

You hugged me back and patted my head. The same affectionate move I always loved ever since I found out that I had feelings for you. “Yes, you are my crybaby.”

Hearing those words, the tears fell. I love you Seung but I was too much of a coward to tell you the truth. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to lose your friendship that’s why I chose to keep everything inside. I love you but I was a coward.

Now I could only say goodbye.

******************************

Shaking my head from all those thoughts of yesterday, I began to laugh. It was definitely because of this rain. I looked around. I needed to get out of my bed to stop these thoughts from happening. I walked out of my room and found out that Ga-in hasn’t come home yet. I sighed and began to prepare and walk to the nearby coffee shop. Yep, maybe coffee could wake me up from this nostalgic slumber.

******************************

“Appa! Appa~” a little girl cried in front of the coffee shop. I looked at her and smiled. I remembered the time when the reasons why we cry are just that simple. So simple that the road to recovery doesn’t even last a day, heck…it doesn’t even get to five minutes. But as we get older it doesn’t get easier. Things become more complicated as is.

I got my coffee, and tried to call our maknae but to no avail. Walking seems to be some kind of therapy. My heart seems more at peace now.

“Hyojin?”

I stop, shaken at the familiarity of the voice that just grabbed my attention. After all these years he still can make me react like this. Or maybe because I was caught off-guard, I told myself. I turned around and saw him smiling at me, glad that we chanced upon each other.

“You look…good.” He said smiling, my heart fluttered. I know for a fact that I already was at peace with my feelings for him. I know that it was a long time ago but why am I like this?

“How are you Seung? You look the same as always.” I smiled at him.

“It’s been what….years? Since we last saw each other. I could only see you on television whenever you have promotions. How are the other members?”

“They’re the same as always. But Miryo and Narsha are living alone now. Only Ga-in is stuck with me.” I told him.

“Appa~” Seung looked at the voice and smiled. This is the first time I saw him smile so peacefully. I turned to follow his gaze and was surprised that it was the same little girl I saw earlier. She approached him and looked at me shyly.

“Hyojin meet my daughter Hara…” he told me. I smiled and the little girl hid behind you. You gave her a small smile, urging her to greet me. A smile that could warm one’s heart. A smile that I used to wish were directed at me. He then said to her “Go and find your mom okay?” she just nodded at him and bowed at me.

I smiled and said to him. “Your daughter is adorable.”

“I know. She is the reason for my existence. She made my life more wonderful and she gave it purpose.” He told me with a twinkle in his eye. This is the first time I could look at him and saw him at peace with the life he led. Surprisingly, I felt at peace too looking at him like that.

“Are you happy?”

“I am.”

“I’m glad.” I told him and hugged him.

“Would you like to say hi to Jin-ah?” He told me cautiously.

I smiled and told him. “Maybe next time though. I would love to but I have this feeling that Ga-in is waiting for me at home.” I went closer and hugged him.

“I’m so glad I did run into you Hyojin-ah.” he told me as he hugged me back.

I looked at him as I broke the hug and laughed. “Want to know a secret?” he looked at me curiously. “I once liked you.”

He looked at me blankly. I knew it. It was the wrong move that I told him. I should’ve kept it in and not ruin the slightest chance of being his friend again. At first I thought he would look at me in disgust and be all awkward. But he broke into the widest grin that shocked me.

“I knew.” He told me.

What?

“I didn’t know officially but somewhere along the way I knew. Let me tell you a secret too. I also liked you. But our friendship was much greater than everything else that I didn’t want to ruin it. And I still think it is.”

I looked at him momentarily shocked then I laughed. Laughed at all those years trying to make a fool of myself heartbroken about everything. Laughed at the things we chose not to cross over. He then laughed with me. I looked at him finally at peace with everything and hugged him.

“Thank you.” he told me as he hugged me back.

“Be happy.” Is what I told him. I looked as he returns to his wife. His daughter looks at him and smiles, she even waves at me . Jin-ah saw me and smiled. I smile and head outside.

I know that there are things in life that stay the same and that there are things that change constantly. What I had with him will always and forever be in my heart. He will always be special. He will always be the one that got away. I felt without a doubt happy for him. He has found something to live for. I would lie if I would convince myself that I hadn’t thought of what could have been. But he was right. What we have is something far too precious to throw away like that.

I look at the sky and notice that it is clearing up. Finally, I’m truly at peace with myself. Finally, I could look at the rain and smile from my heart.

“Jea-unnie!” Ga-in said that made me look at her. She was smiling and waving at me before she entered the apartment building. She was holding her phone close to her ear and whispering silently, must be Kwonnie on the other line. I smile at her.

“Unnie?” I look at her and saw that she was looking at me with a weird expression on her face. Was she worried? “You seem out of sorts today. Did something happen?” she told me.

I smiled and said to her. “Come on Ga-in ah, I’m going to treat you for dinner.” She looked at me shocked at first and turned to the person she was talking to on the phone.

“I should go, unnie is treating me. Of course. Call you later. What??? YAH!” I chuckled at their conversation. I looked at her and a blush crept “Araso~ me too….” He must’ve told her he loved her.

“Don’t mind me.” I told her jokingly.

Our maknae looked at me and whispered to the phone before she hung up. I couldn’t make out the words but I’m pretty sure it was ‘Saranghae’

“Let’s go?” she told me and I smiled back at her.

I want that. I want something like that someday. But for now, being with my members is the most important thing. I may have what Ga-in and Seung have someday, but for now these simple moments are far more important.

A/N:

Ah~ wrote this fic because of the weather. This cold weather plus I’m listening to BEG’s ballad songs. This would be the first time I would write in a first person mode. And the first fic I made for BEG’s raccoon leader, JeA. Enjoy.

Should I post here in AFF too? I am used in posting at my blog though. Just thought that I could try this.