ONE SHOT!

1000 Words

When Lee Jinki a.k.a Onew was a child, there was a tree that would shed one leaf each time he spoke a word. He noticed this when there was only 3 leaves left. His mother noticed and talked to his school principal to say that he was "Mute". In High School, he met a girl named Allie. She was his best friend. Although Onew couldn't talk, they still communicated with sign language and talking to each other with white boards. During his senior year, the tree still had its 3 leaves. Still the same shape. Still the same size. Still the same color. He sighed in his mind and proceeded to his room and did his trigonometry homework. In a couple of months, he developed feelings for Allie. Onew asked her out on a date, and she said yes. The date was at Onews house, on the deck, in front of the tree. His mother made a lovely dinner. With his white board, he wrote that if he spoke 3 more words, he would go to another place. Allie was shocked. She didn't know it was this critical. Days passed and Allie developed feelings for Onew as well. They would go on dates and take walks in the park. One night, Onew decorated the backyard with lights, and decorated the deck with lanterns. They had a picnic on the deck and it was perfect. The picnic had everything a picnic should have. Sandwiches, iced tea, and chocolate covered strawberries. It struck 10 o'clock and he wrote on the white board, 'I have been meaning to tell you something..' Allie wrote 'what is it?' Onew put the white board down and Allie asked what he was doing. They both stood up and Onew said, in his real voice nobody has heard before "I love you". He said it with passion and they both kissed. He collapsed and Allie screamed for Onews mother. Onew was at the Hospital and he had an oxygen mask on his face. Allie saw him and she started to cry. She shed a tear and the tear fell on Onew's face. His eyes carefully opened and Allie cried even more. Onew held her close and they both smiled at each other. :)

 

THE END:)

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TypicalAuthornim
#1
Chapter 1: I think this resembles an Indian movie actually adopted from an English book...
Park_HyeSun #2
Chapter 1: Oh, you have quite the interesting plot honestly. You meant to make it sound like the three leaves represented the amount of life he had left, and the fact that it all dropped meant that Onew will die, right? Thing is, I wanted to ask if it was only meant to look like that, or the situation really is like that. (Meaning, is it true if the leaves fall that Onew will die? Because it could be a twist in the plot, really. But uh, personally I think you just meant that Onew was supposed to die. OTL Sorry for beating around the bush.)

The story's okay. Sometimes though, you forget to capitalize letters like in the sentence ('what is it?') it should be ('What is it?'). Usually people use the " symbol instead of ' for conversations, but I'm not too sure if it's wrong to use the ' symbol instead of the " symbol. ^^;

Your tenses seem alright. Just that you should remember to not leave out any apostrophes such as the example in the sentence (He collapsed and Allie screamed for Onews mother.) the word (Onews mother) should be (Onew's mother).

I'm not here to point out on all your flaws. I just thought that I should just write my honest opinion and share what I know. Have a great day. (: