Dying.

***

“No, stop. I’m dying!”

Seungho raises an eyebrow, tearing his eye off of tomorrow’s scripts long enough to catch sight of two blurred figures barreling down the hallway.

He steps out of his room just in time to hear the maknae squeals as he is tackled and tickled by two of his hyungs.

“You shouldn’t say that,” Sanghyun warns, despite the fact that he’s sitting square on Mir’s back. “What if you really were dying.”

“It’s just an expression hyung.”

The leader simply rolls his eyes before scolding them all for making too much noise.

***

“I feel lige I’b dyig.”

Mir spits out each syllable as Seungho tries to rub his back through a never ending litany of coughs that he’s tired of hearing. He himself isn’t feeling well but it’s his job to watch over the other’s first.

“Shut it,” Byunghee grumbles from where he’s sprawled across his mattress sweating out the fever that’s taken them all by storm.  “We’re all dying.”

“Why are you so bean Hyu-“ the maknae starts to whine back before he’s cut off again, unable to take enough breath to retaliate.

And the leader shushes him, tucking the blankets around his body and urging him to rest.

***

“I’m… dying?”

The question is barely audible, small like that of a child’s and full of all sorts of questions that get caught up in Mir’s throat.

Seungho glances at him once, twice, three times, and then a fourth because doesn’t believe it. The maknae only has a cold and nothing more. Just a cold that stuck around longer than it should because of too many late night video games and not enough sleep.

But the paper before them spells the diagnosis out in black and white and all of a sudden the young man is somehow in the Leader’s lap, clinging to him like he’s five again.

And Seungho pries his fingers loose, wiping at his tears and reprimanding him gently. “You’re not dying, you’re just sick.”

***

“If I’m dying, it’s going to be with you.”

The manager looks surprised, but Seungho shakes his head and gives Mir the look. “Go home, get better, come back. That’s how it goes kiddo.”

And honest to god the maknae throws a complete fit. He’s crying, pleading, crumbling on the floor, the whole thing. And no one knows what to do.

Eventually the Leader hauls him up by his collar and presses him into a tight hug, giving him what he wants.

“Fine. You’re staying with us, but only because you’re not dying.”

***

“This is worse than dying.”

The maknae manages to say before he coughs and heaves up all of the water Seungho forced into his system just a minute ago into the toilet, gripping the sides with white knuckles.

 Seungho rubs his back, keeps him from faceplanting in the putrid water, and sticks a straw in his mouth when he’s done because even regurgitating water is better than straight bile and he needs to try and keep the poor kid hydrated.

Mir whimpers and shakes his head, barely strong enough to do that but he knows he has to.

The leader coaxes him slowly to drink, and then rubs his stomach to try and settle it before they repeat the process all over again.

***

“I look dead.”

Mir stands in the bathroom rubbing his hand over his hairless scalp and then poking the dark rings under his eyes cautiously.

“Do you feel dead?”

Byunghee whacks Joon upside the head faster than Seungho can open his mouth. “It looks cool,” the dancer recovers quickly. “Like how my hair was for Ninja Assassin.”

“Yeah,” Thunder pipes up. “And you match Seungho’s panda eyes.”

And the leader shoves him out the door.

***

“I had a dream that I died.”

Seungho immediately flips on the light. Mir is pale as the sheets of his bed and shaking something awful.

“You’re fine, you just had a nightmare. You’re not dying.” As he says the words, he nods at Byunhee who is also awake. He doesn’t even need a thermometer to know that they are about to take a trip to the emergency room.

“If you die in your dream you die in real life,” the boy mumbles almost incoherently. He barely finishes his sentence before collapsing in the oldest’s arms.

And the leader prays as they run to the car.

***

“I need you to help me die.

"I can't," Seungho protests with both hands in the air.

Pacing the floor of the small, white room, he clenches his fists by his side. The past few months of cleaning up vomit, making middle of the night trips to the emergency room, cooking three or four things until he found something that the other male was interested enough in to eat, holding hands through countless tests and procedures… all those things he could somehow do easily.

But this, what he was being asked to do in this moment was utterly incomprehensible.

“No,” he decides firmly, putting his foot down for good measure.

“Please,” comes the small voice, pleading this time and making him come undone. In their entire friendship he has never heard the maknae plead. Whine, plenty of times but never had he sounded like this.

“No,” repeats the leader. “You’re not dying.”

***

“He’s dyi-“

Seungho knows exactly what Byunghee is going to say and he doesn’t want to listen. “Don’t,” he warns even as tear rolls down his cheek. He is the first of them to cry.

“You need to tell him it’s okay to let go.”

He swallows hard, wishing he could be somewhere else because he knows what comes next.

“He’s in pain Seungho. It’s only going to get worse. There are no more options and we can’t keep dragging his days out like this. It seems selfish but he’s tired. I’m so… tired of watching him die. I’m s-sorry.”

“No,” he chokes, throat tight and unyielding as he finds himself burying his face in his hands “No, it’s selfish of me to ask you him stay because I’m not ready.” He feels strong arms carefully curl around his body as support.

“I’m never… going to… be ready,” he sobs.

“I know,” is the soft reply accompanied by trembling fingers that wipe at his tears. “But I need you to be. We love him but it’s time.”

And the leader’s heart breaks as he nods and picks up keys to go say goodbye.