It’s funny how even the most unimportant things can affect your day or even the rest of your life.

How is it possible that a single smile can lift your spirits and a single word, a single eight-lettered word can destroy your mood?

Your name… The sweet melody of that eight-lettered word still lingers in my mind; it still lingers in my lips. But now I know that no matter how many times I call you, you are not going to look back at me again.

How long has it been? It feels like yesterday when we were kissing under the mistletoe, and yet here I am, only moments away from the New Year and so far away from you. I’ve stopped counting the days and I’ve stopped counting the hours. Right now even a second is hard to get through.

I can see you across the room, I can see your hair shining under the dim lights, I can hear your laughter over everyone else’s voice. You are so close I could touch you if only I would extend my hand. But I know you are now so far….

Is this a dream turned into a nightmare? If it is, why can’t I wake up?

Why am I so stuck? I thought I had already said I’d move on. I thought I had said I’d stop caring. I thought I had said I’d change.

And yet again I understand how weak I am. Can you tell me how you manage to do this to me? Maybe I should just forget about everything that connects us, maybe I should just forget about all the caresses and your bright eyes. Maybe I should just get away from you. Maybe I should stop letting my heart melt with the sound of your voice.

Is this a nightmare? Because it really feels like one. When you are almost next to me and still I am unable to reach you.

But I’ve already made my decisions. I am already trying to pinch myself awake. From 1/1 and on I will give up on drinking and I will give up on those that mess with my emotions.

I will give up on you.

But until then can’t I hide behind yet another smile? Can’t I keep your image alive for just another second?

It’s okay if I bury our memories deep in my heart, right?

It’s okay if I bury our pictures, our little stories, deep under my bed, right? So you can be close enough to feel but still far enough not to hurt me.

Is it okay if I cling onto this dream for just a little longer?

I still owe a tear, if not to anyone else, to myself. I know that the longer this goes on, the worst for me. But please, let me live this for a little more.

Let me stir in my sleep and go on dreaming. Allow me this little ray of light, this little hope, that you can still be mine.

Maybe that’s why I can’t wake up. Maybe that’s why I can’t hear the alarm clock, or the others talking to me. Maybe I am so in love with you, that even the slight connection between us is still precious to me. Maybe it’s because I know that when I open my eyes I will have lost you forever.

Should I tell you? About what I decided and everything I’ve been thinking about? Don’t I owe you an excuse?

But I owe myself not to get hurt anymore.

You came and turned my world upside down. You changed cold to warm, you turned salty tears of frustration to nectarous smiles of anticipation. You gave me so many promises for happiness and so many oaths of love with your eyes.

Who would have thought that you would take everything away so violently? That like the fire that destroys everything in its way, you’d erase me? Who would have thought that the thought of seeing you would now come with a fear that I cannot fight?

If this is a nightmare then it’s a long one. If this is a nightmare then I might as well give up on dreaming. Because despite everything I have promised myself I know that I’m still in love with you.

I wish I could hear the alarm clock and yet I desperately cling to my hell. Because even being miserable over you is much better than feeling nothing, than forgetting you.

And so I’m left once again with only ballads to sing. How ironic is that? That I turn to the ballads you love so much so I can get away from you?

And who should I talk to for everything that burns me? Who should I turn to when even my friends are yours?

So what else is left but to sing a ballad, hoping that nobody will understand it’s for you. What else but to get wasted when I’m next to you? What else but to hide all my anger, my tears and everything I still haven’t told you behind a passing happiness?

Honey, I’ve drunk a lot and I’m wasted, but where are you? Where should I look for you? Will it matter if I do?

Another ten seconds and then I promise to change. I will force myself to change. How hard can it be? Surely not worse than living this nightmare.

Is this really a nightmare? Because if it is, it’s a very bright one. Why does the moon shine like that? Why does it mock me with all its glory from up there?

Shouldn’t the moon be hidden behind dark shadows? Shouldn’t its light be unable to reach me? Shouldn’t I be engulfed in the darkness by now?

But the moon really is bright tonight. And its light is falling directly on you.

So this is my reality for now. Ballads, dreams and a half-empty glass of champagne. Tears that were never shed and a promise I am too afraid to confront.

If I tell you all my insecurities, what will you answer me? Will you be mine forever?

If I tell you all my fears, what will you answer me? Definitely not what I yearn to hear. For sure I will give in again. And the nightmare will start from the beginning.

So hide the moon from me, break it into pieces so its light won’t follow you. Cover the moonlight with shadows so I won’t see you turning your back to me.

It’s okay if you don’t say anything. Those who leave don’t speak words.

You can put the blame on me.

I remember the door closing behind you. Why did I ever let you go? I lost you and I lost myself too.

And if they ask me, for one more time I will say I’m fine, I will joke around, I will change the subject, I will hide behind that forced smile that is second nature for me now.

This must be a nightmare because only a nightmare would be so painful.

I wonder… would you care if you knew how much it hurts? If only you knew how much my insides are torn to pieces for you, the one standing away from me. If only you knew how much my heart bleeds for you, the one not speaking a word to me. I wonder… would you care at all?

But I am afraid of the answers.

Let me have another drink so I can stay away from you.

And from 1/1 and on… I will cast shadows in the moonlight so I won’t have to see you leaving and fall for you all over again.

Maybe then I can wake up. Maybe then I will be able to open my eyes to a less painful tomorrow.

As I look at you from the other side of the room, counting down the last seconds to the New Year, there’s only this left to tell you.

Be careful, good luck, I love you…

 

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A.N.

Okay, so here we have a super short one-shot (can it really be considered a oneshot?)

Anyway, the girlfriend was supposed to be Sooyoung at first but then I decided to leave it as it is, without names so that anyone can relate.

BTW, I had never notived it before but the JongKey Shipper inside me had to count to make sure... Jonghyun's name has eight letters as well ^^

Reviews are always welcome ^^