"I just can't believe what you did."

My eyes are trained to the floor. I can't bare to look at her. A shouting mother is scary, but a cold, silent one is just plain deadly.

"You told me you were staying over at the Lee's, but instead you went to some unsupervised party. You knew there would be drinking, there could have been drugs for all you know. And then you hop into a stranger's car with a drunk driver."

I feel her gaze burning holes metaphorically into my head. I'm stil too ashamed to meet her stare. Yes, I shouldn't have lied to her about sneaking off to a party with L.joe instead of staying at his place, but I knew she would never allow it and the thrill of the escapade took over me.

"I'm very disappointed in you Chanhee." She is the only person who calls me by my real name. Even L.joe's parents don't call me that. My teachers managed to catch on to my nickname fast. Well, most of them.

"I'm really sorry." I bite my lip of out anxiety. It's quite the habit actually.

"You know I can't stay mad at you for long, no matter what you've done to make me angry. Who you should really be apologising to is Byunghyun's parents, don't you think?"

I nod, feeling my stomach sink at the mention of his name. I haven't seen him since the night of the accident, and I've had little information fiven to me on his condition. Basically, all I know is that he's alive.

Which I am thanking the angels in heaven for.

*

*

"Mr Lee, Mrs Lee, I'm terribly sorry for what happened. Words....words can't describe the regret I feel. And knowing how you must feel, with him being your son, tearsme apart. You have no right to forgive me, but I just hope you know how regretful, apologetic and idiotic I feel. If I had the chance I would take everything back and I only wish I could do that for you."

I practised this speech fifty times in my head, but now that I am actually saying it it brings tears to my eyes. Every single word is the truth. I feel a tear escape from my eyes but ignore it whilst being under the stare of L.joe's parents. The hospital's private lobby is quiet for a few moments until his dad finally breaks the silence.

"We forgive you Chunji. We're just extremely disappointed. In the both of you." I raise my eyebrows at him questioningly.

"Don't look at me like that. We know it wasn't just your idea. Byunghyun is also partly at fault here." I lower my gaze. Yes, both L.joe and I planned this together, but because of what happened to him I feel solely responsible.

"How is Byunghyun doing?" My mother speaks up from the corner of them room. I'd almost forgotten she was there.

It's L.joe's mother who answers. "He's....well, he's stable at the moment. They're still not sure entirely about his condition." My mother simply nods. Like her, I don't know what to say.

The door to the room suddenly bursts open and a frazzled looking nurse enters.

"Mr and Mrs Lee, he's awake!"

L.joe's parents practically leap from their seats. I go to do the same, while my mother tries to hold me back.

"Chanhee, you stay here."

I shake my head. "I can't, I have to see him." I begin joggin to catch up with the three who had already left.

*

"And you are?"

L.j- I mean Lee Byunghyun's....best friend."

"I'm sorry, but for the moment the only visitors we are allowing are family. You're free to wait here to talk to his parents about recieveing permission, but that is all."

I groaned. I haven't seen him in what feels like eternity. I feel my eyes filling up and I have to blink away the tears. Anxiety seems to follow me wherever I go. No matter what I'm going, my thoughts are always of L.joe. How he is, is he hurting, when will I see him again? I shake away these thoughts when I hear muffled shouting from L.joe's room. My heart lifts when I faintly hear his voice. He really is awake..

The door creaks open and both of L.joe's parents step out. I hear a voice still speaking inside the room and wonder. What's going on in there?

"Byunghyun....would like to see you." His parents are both staring me down, being a little bit intimidating. I nod dumbly before moving past them to the door, feeling my heart drumming hard in my chest. I get to see him..

*

The first thing I notice is the insane amount of wires and chords surrounding his bed, most of those attaching to his body somehow. His small frame is covered heavily with blankets, leaving only his chest upwards exposed. A bandage covers one side of his head, and a tube has been fitted and taped up his nose. His cheeks are hollow and sunken, clearly portraying how long he hasn't eaten properly, and his eyes are red rimmed and puffy, indicating he has been crying. I smile a little to myself, knowing my eyes probably look exactly the same.

When he notices my prescence his eyes widen and his hands reaches slowly out to me.

"Chunji.." I move quickly to his side, wrapping my arms firmly around him. He begins to sob and I push my face into his hair, taking in the familiar scent I've missed so much whilst my own tears dampen his hair.

"Chunji...I thought I was dead Chunji....I thought I was dead.." I begin kissing his cheek, his neck, his hair, everywhere possible.

"You're not dead...you're here, with me...I'm here.." I feel his hands gripping my shoulders, his nails digging into my skin. I lay my head on his chest, being careful of the plugs placed there. My head rises slowly with his ragged breathing, and I feel his ribs along my collarbone. His hands act as if they are frozen to my shoulders as I lightly pry them off and places them by his sides. I run my fingers lightly along his cheek bones, relishing the ability to touch him again.

"You're so thin...Eat well, ok?" I kiss his forehead and he weakly nods. His eyes suddenly widen and his back hunches over.

"L.joe...? What's wrong?" He begins to gag as I speak. I panic.

Um, hello?! Somebody, we need some help!" L.joe begins coughing hoarsely and I start thumping his back. After what feels like forever a nurse answers my calls by finding L.joe a glass of water. She holds it up to his lips and pours a small amount into his open mouth. He swallows slowly, relaxes and stops coughing. I sigh in relief and rub his back reassuringly, but not long after doing so he jumps a little in his position and empties out the water he swallowed into my lap. He starts coughing again and I grab a tissue from the table beside his bed to wipe his mouth as the nurse injects his arm with some kind of syringe. He whimpers as I wipe the saliva from his lips. Tears begin to streak down his gaunt face.

"I'm sorry." I place a finger on his mouth.

"Don't be sorry." I then grab his hands and lace his fingers through mine, and I feel his body slightly losing tension. The door to his room opens again and this time a doctor and two concerned parents enter. His father stands behind me as his mother leans over and grabs L.joe's face.

"Are you ok dear?" L.joe's shakes his head in a weak attempt to escape his mother's grasp/ His eyebrows furrow slowly as his mouth turns downwards into a scowl.

"Do I look okay to you? I'm stuck here, in a hospital, and I don't even know what's going on! I'm tired, I feel sick and I just threw up all over Chunji. So no, I'm not okay!" A single tear escapes his left eye and I watch enviously as his mother wipes it away with her thumb. I turn to the nurse.

"Why did he start gagging? He hasn't been able to eat, so how could he throw up?"

"That would be the antibiotics taking their toll. They're known to make patients feel nauseous, so that's not new, but since he has not eaten properly for so long his reaction is more severe. He needs ot be started on solid foods soon, liquid foods aren't the best substitute for a long period of time."

The doctor writes quickly on the notepad by his side before snapping it shut.

"Well Byunghyun, everything seems stable for now. How would you like it if we started you on some real good, eh? Does some light soup and bread sound good?" L.joe's head nods downwards and I watch as the doctor leaves the room.

"Why do they have to keep me here? I want to go home." L.joe's asks nobody in particular. I look on intently as L.joe's mother shuffles around awkwardly in place, wanting to know the answer just as much as L.joe does.

"You see honey, in the accident you...you hit your head pretty hard..." Her voice trails off and L.joe's dad moves to rest his hands on her shoulders as she bites her lip.

"Go on mother. You can tell me. I'm not scared." He was just like a small child. 'I'm not scared'. If his parents werent in the room I would have kissed him there and then. His mother sniffles, wiping a hand underneath her nose.

"You um...you recieved minor brain damage. You also fractured your leg and cracked your knee cap, but I think you already know that,"

Both L.joe and I look down to his legs, and I notice on is bulkier-looking than the other, most likely enveloped in a cast.

"Things are going to be....a little hard for you now. The doctors have said you'll have to learn to do a lot of things again, and it's going to take time. But we'll always be here, I promise." Tears cascade down her face as she bgeins to sob, her shoulders moving continuously up and down whilst her husband tries to comfort her.

"Father, can you take mother out somewhere? Shee needs rest." His father simply nods and guides his wife out of the room. The door clicks shut and I am still leaning beside L.joe, our fingers entwined. The room is silent as thoughts play rapidly through my mind. Brain damage? What part of the brain? What does she mean things will be 'a little hard'? What's going to be hard for him? Is there anyway to treat it? Can-

My thoughts are cut off by his voice.

"You know I was lying."

"About what?"

"Not being scared. I'm still really confused, I still don't really know what's going on. I'm really...really terrified." I feel him shaking lightly beside me and watch as he bites his lip to prevent a sob from escaping. I untangle one of my hands from his and run my hands along his cheekbone repeatedly. His breathing is shallow but the shaking soon fades to nothing.

"You can't be scared because I'm here and I'm not going away. Do you understand?" He moves his head slightly up and down. I lift his chin up to look into his eyes that are full of fear.

"I love you."

He his chapped lips. "I love you, too." I move my face closer to his and capture his dry lips with mine. I taste the salt of his tears on my tongue and quickly move my lips upwards, kissing both of his eyelids to seal them. He smiles weakly at me as I pull away. Even an action as small as that sends my heart into a frenzy.

"You're beautiful. So, so beautiful." I spy tears forming in his eyes.

"Why are you crying again?"

"Because I love you. And I'm still scared." I squish closer towards him and cautiously wrap my arms around him, trying to avoid pulling on any tubes. I nestle my face into his hair, my nose rubbing lightly against his scalp. I smile when I feel his lips lightly brushing against my neck.

"You know when the car flipped....all I could think of was you. I remember rashing through the window and rolling somewhere far off, not being able to move. My head hit something hard and I started ot get sleepy. The whole time I was thinking: 'Where is Chunji? Is he hurt? Is he alright?' I felt like I had no control, I couldn't stop my eyes from closing. I wanted to call out for you but I couldn't. I was so scared, Chunji. I thought I was going to leave without you. I kept telling myself: 'I can't leave, I can't leave Chunji.' And when my eyes closed I thought that was it, I was going to die. Even when I woke up today, I thought I was dead." His face turned pale as he spoke. Each word he said sent a shock through me. Hearing how he felt....without control. It scared me.

I squeeze his shoulders and am about to speak when a nurse enters the room holding a tray.

"Byunghyun? Both of your parents are down in the lobby, and I let them know you were going to attempt to have some soup now. They'll be up here to see you again in a short while, but for now you can try some of this, ok?" She sets the tray gently down on L.joe's lap and he eyes the food warily.

"Ok, you can eat now Byunghyun." L.joe's right hand slowly moves towards the spoon beside the soup bowl. I watch as he wraps his fingers around the plastic untensil. His wrist lifts limply upwards and I stiffle a small gasp as the spoon slips from his grasp. Surprise shows on L.joe's face as he attempts to grip the spoon again and drops it. He looks up at me slowly in disbelief.

"Why can't I pick it up?" His voice is small, and I hear he is on the verge of tears again. I look around nervously before turning to the nurse for an answer.

"This is connected to the damage to your brain, Byunghyun, and this will be one of the things you will have to relearn. With time and patience you'll get there."

I watch as anger flashes across his eyes. "I don't want it to take time! I shouldn't have to learn this! I'm not an idiot!" He turns to me, tears escaping from his eyes and spilling down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry...I'm stupid now.." I shake my head furiously and stare him dead in the eye. "You're not stupid, don't even say that. Here," I pick up the spoon and scoop some soup from the bowl onto it. "Let me feed you." I carefully quide the soup to his mouth and gently place it inside. He swallows as I pull it out.

"Good?" He nods and I quickly replenishe the spoon, gradually feeding him half the bowl, spoonful by spoonful. I lean in to feed him another but he moves his head to one side.

"No..no more. I feel sick." The nurse grabs a container from the side table and replaces the soup tray with it in his lap. He begins to gag and I hold his fringe out of his face expecting him to be sick. Surprisingly, he isn't. He gags a few more times before leaning back against his pillow. He moans quietly.

"I'm so weak..you must hate this."

"Never. I couldn't hate being with you again." I grab his wrist and rub the back of his hand comfortingly, being careful of the IV tube attached to it. A small knock comes from the other side of the door and L.joe's parents re-enter, his face wearing a poker face and his mother red-eyed and teary. The nurse begins telling them about L.joe's soup eating and I take this chance to quickly duck out, saying I 'have to use the men's room'. I had suddenly felt quite teary myself and I needed to escape. I didn't want to cry in front of L.joe. I walk down the hall and feel relief once the toilets come into view. Once inside I relish the coolness and lean against a mirror.

Before I know it I'm sobbing, with mucus running out of my nose and tears and gunk from my eyes. I slide down to the floor on my , laying my head against my knees. I cry for L.joe being frightened. I cry for L.joe being anxious. I cry for L.joe being confused. I cry for L.joe being frustrated. I cry for L.joe being mad, terrified, sick and injured. All my tears surround him. I know he's in so much pain, physcially and mentally, yet there's nothing I can do about it. If only I could help him, I would. If only I could.. I hear a stall door opening and quickly wipe away my tears, embarrassed for whoever heard me crying my eyes out. A tall boy with a wiry frame exits the last stall and begins walking towards me. Once he reaches me he slowly bends down onto his knees.

"Are you ok?" I shake my head and look away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice is soft and warm, and for some unknown reason I feel the need to empty out my feelings to a complete stranger.

"Well, my boyfriend's just woken up in the hospital with a broken leg, a cracked something or rather and minor brain damage. He can't do anything properly anymore. He moves really slowly and he can't even pick up a spoon! He gets really upset and frustrated, which makes me feel stupid because there's nothing I can do.." I trail off, thinking that this boy probably thinks I'm strange for telling him all of this. Surprisingly, he simply nods.

"I had a boyfriend once." I widen my eyes,

"He was awesome. Seriously, I thought he was the absolute best, but I had to break it off with him."

I look up at him, teary eyed but curious. "Why?"

"When I found out I had cancer I knew things wouldn't be the same. I didn't want to have to hurt him." I look him up and down and realise he is wearing a hopsital gown.

"You're a patient here?"

"Yep. Leukemia ward. The nurses let me walk around sometimes. If I'm good." He winks cheekily at me, making me laugh.

"I reckon it's because I'm just too irresistible, what do you think?"

I smile and nod. "Definitely." He offers me his hand and helps me to my feet.

"What's your name?"

"Chanhee, but you can call me Chunji."

"I'm Jonghyun. Before you go, can I give you some advice?" I nod.

"Everything happens for a reasons. It' kind of like my motto, and I can swear by my short life that it's true."

"Thankyou Jonghyun..It means a lot." I say shyly before turning to leave.

"Wait!" I move back around.

"Room 407. Level 5. Come visit me sometime?"

I smile brightly at him. "Of course. See you later." I head back to L.joe's room feeling surpisingly refreshed. I guess everything does happen for a reason.. My break down helped me meet a charming teen who helped me, a random stranger, have a better perspective when in doubt, and helped me have the only genuine smile I've had for weeks.

That had to have happened for a reason.

after notee

goodness gracious me a long chap (I hope) hope this is ok guys. as always,

ily xx