{If you haven't, please read the foreword before you continue.}


That year I was sixteen, my knees were shaking when I stood in front of the girl I liked (or loved, I'm not sure) but I couldn't say it out. I couldn't because I was scared.

I couldn't because I got rejected even before I started.

"Jiyong, I'm sorry. I know. I can feel it. But... even though we're in the same class, we hardly speak to each other. I don't know why you like me. I know how you feel but I must tell you, I don't have that kind of feelings for you."

You shouldn't have said sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. And it made me feel even worse.

I was sad. I took months to get over it. I didn't stop crying at night until months later. But occasionally, I think of her and my chest feels hollow again. At those times, I just let my tears fall carelessly. I'm too tired to hold them back anymore.

What is this bitter taste on my tongue that I can't get rid of? Is it those unspoken words that were halted even before I could spill them? They are turning stale in my mouth. Didn't know three words could taste so bad.

But up till now, they're still there. My heart says don't give them to anyone else. But you don't want them.

Who else am I supposed to give them to?

I saw you when I never thought I would, ever again. Standing there, waving the light stick. You're so close to me. Are you here to support me? Or are you here for G-dragon? Do you remember me? Jiyong, I'm Kwon Jiyong. You tell me "Hwaiting" and smile with an underlying meaning. I'm glad you do still remember me.

And I don't want this to end just like that.

Until.

I see him.

Who is this man? Is he treating you well? Are you happy? All I want to know is, are you well?

Why do you make me feel this way even when I know you could never like me back? I never knew my love could be so noble. One-sided. For 11 years.

Would you tell me you're happy? Tell me you're blissful with him. So I can let my heart die. So I can give those three words to another woman who actually loves me like how I love her too.

But why are you so stupid? Why are you so blind? Why do you have to show me how unhappily you are living now?

Why won't you leave him?

Stop.

Stop abusing yourself.

Here I am, standing. And I have nothing I can do. What can I do? The one you love is not me, but him.



What's so good about that motherf*cker.