"Omma! I'm going to school now! Annyeong!" I scream before closing the door. It's the first day of school again and I'm hoping to see Myungsoo. I've never seen him for months and I miss his smile, his laughter, his frown, him. Sadly, he never notices me. It's always like that. It's frustrating. If a wish will be granted, that would be that he looks at me, even just once.

I'm near the school and I can see a crowd growing near the gate. It would be just some kind of guy who accidentally fell from his bike. I walk nearer the gate, not minding these people.

"Gah! Such attention seekers!" I whisper to myself.

A meter away from the crowd, they clear out, leaving me with the sight of Myungsoo smiling. He's looking at me and I know that that smile is for me. I can get my hopes up if I want to. I try to ignore him and continue walking. He probably smiles to everyone, anyway.

"Hey! Nae-rin, wait!"

That's his voice, right? I turn back and there he is looking at me. I act natural, as if he's just a normal person and not someone I truly adore.

"You're . . ," he looks at the people around him and shakes his head, "It's nice seeing you again."

I flash a smile at him and he returns me with a warm one. His sentence, I know it's not what he's going to say. But what?

"Baby Rin!" I hear my best friend's voice boom through the thick crowd.
"Sungjong!" I scream, waving a hand at him. He runs to me and gives me a tight hug.
"You're squishy as ever! So, did you miss me?" he asks.
"Of course, why wouldn't I?"
"I missed you so much that I would like to say that . . .," he pauses and looks at me with enthusiasm, "Let's look at our classrooms."

Why are people not finishing their sentences today? First, Myungsoo and now, Sungjong. They've got stories to say that they don't intend to tell me.

Sungjong walks me around the school as if I’m a new student. He’s hiding me from something, and I ought to know.

“Sungjong, you’re hiding me from something. Tell me, what is it?” I ask, stopping from walking. He looks down and it seems very serious.
“I’ll be leaving Korea in two weeks. I have to stop my studies here. I’ll visit you, every year, every month. I’ll keep in touch,” he says, with sadness in his voice.

“Why all of a sudden? Can’t you finish one more year?” I ask in shock, looking for a way for him to think twice.
“I can’t, I have to really leave. Don’t worry, I’ve got things planned. You won’t be alone when I go. I’ll return, anyway.”
I can’t stop but feel oh, so bad. Why welcome my school year with sad news?
“Nae-rin, I know that face. Stop thinking. I’ll be fine, you too will be.”
“Andwae! I’ll talk to your parents. I’ll tell them that you can’t leave me all of a sudden! I’ll stop going to school if you go,” I say, threatening him.
“Stop it, my dear wife,” he says, pinching my cheeks, “I’ll be back soon. Besides, I’ll be leaving in two weeks. I can be your property ‘til then. Okay? Now, don’t feel bad.”

His arms are around my shoulders and he’s hand is patting my arm. He’s trying to comfort me and it does not work.

“Okay, I understand. And . . . I’m not your wife. I’m your best friend. You can’t marry me. It’s somehow against the rules of friendship.”

He frowns, laughs and we start walking again. Nothing much happened for the first day of school; same teachers, same rules, same faces, same loved one. I am waiting for Sungjong at the front gate. We are going home together and he said he’ll be short, and I’m telling, where is he?

While waiting, I see Myungsoo approach and I just want to hide. Sadly, there’s nowhere I could go. He stops few meters away from me. I’m not sure if he’s waiting for a cab or for someone. Come on, Sungjong! Make it fast! I’m sinking on my own feet here! I’m too near with Myungsoo. I don’t want to melt.

Myungsoo is looking left and right, I bet he’s trying to get himself dizzy. When he looks at my way, I can see a smile escaping his face. It seems teasing. He walks to me in a swift move that I might fall.

“Hi, Nae-rin!” he says enthusiastically.
“Hi!”I say blankly. I must not be showy. I want my secret to be a secret.

“Shouldn’t you be home right now? I mean, it’s night already,” he pauses and bit his lower lip, “I can take you home if you want to.”

What? He’s gathered his strength to take me home from his lower lip. Omma! How can his simple gesture make my soul ecstatic?

“I . . .,” I was cut off by Sungjong’s voice, calling my name.

In a second, Sungjong’s behind Myungsoo.

“So, should we go?” Sungjong asks and I don’t know if he’s taking me away from Myungsoo. I nod in response.

Myungsoo looks down; in disappointment maybe. How can I be too flesh-and-blood? He looks up and smiles at both me and Sungjong.

“I’ll see you, then,” he says walking to my side. He stops near me and whispers what I recall is his beautiful voice and a thrilling phrase.

“I missed you.”

Lying on my bed, my smiles and giggles seems brimmed. Three words can actually make a girl smile, and tonight, I’m that girl. Lurking in the silence again, negativity sets in. He may have said that in front of me, but not for me. My heart aches in hurt. Can’t I be the one? I can’t understand anymore. Am I not made for him? If I am not, then why do I keep telling myself that I am? Can I give it a try? Can he give it a try? I don’t know if I can risk anything if I have plenty to lose. Am I too proud? No, I’m not. I’m too lowly. I absent-mindedly start to tear down. I can never be too strong to handle such emotion. He never notices me anyway or he never notices me as a person he can love. In his eyes, I’m just his younger sister. As painful as it is, this is my life, hiding in my darkest fear: rejection.

~One Week Later~

       “So, let’s list the things we’ve done the past week,” Sungjong says.

We are sitting on a staircase in school; no one uses that staircase anyway. I look at him, fervently. I’m going to miss him so much. I can’t help but be sad. I hug him all of a sudden, with my tears flowing down my face.

“Hmm . . . What are you doing?” he asks me, shocked.

“I’m going to miss you,” I tell him, hugging him tighter.

“Stop it! You’re killing me,” he says with laughter.

“No!” I protest. “If you were manlier I could have married you even without my mother’s consent. But you were entitled to being my best friend.”

I can feel his smile drop. He doesn’t like hearing that. He’s vowed that he’ll be the man in my family, when my father died. It was on a phone call, so I don’t know if he was sincere. I know how he likes me, not as a best friend but someone who’s next relationship can reach to first base.

“Okay. We went to your favorite mall, we went to Hongdae and Myeongdong, we went to Lotte World, and we ate two pounds of beef, made our own kimchi at your house and emptied our pockets,” he says, probably trying to forget what I said.

“Come! I’m going to buy you anything you want, just say it to me.”

“You’re too dedicated to me, aren’t you?” he asks slyly.

I nod in a hundred percent agreement. He smiles to wide, his face may tear.

“But you love someone else anyway. So definitely, you’re 100% for me isn’t a hundred,” he says pouting.

I punch his arm in a not-so-girly way.

“You know me way too much. You’re a stalker!”

Out of nowhere, Myungsoo appears in front of us. Sungjong is not shocked and, it seems that he told Myungsoo about our meeting place. Sungjong stands up, goes pass Myungsoo and pats his back. So this is his plan; a total setup.

“Hi,” I say shyly. Don’t tell me I’m going to form a conversation with Myungsoo. I’m not ready for this. My words will be so interspersed.

“Uhm . . . Sorry for disturbing you, but Sungjong told me to come here,” he explains.
“I know.”
“You know?”
“He tells me he planned something before he leave Korea and I figure out that this is it.” Myungsoo just nods, maybe trying to process that this is a setup.

“So, how do I start this?” he says, scratching his head.

I wait in anticipation. I’m not sure if I’m prepared to anything he will say to me. I just hope that he’s not in a relationship. Not that I want him for myself, I just want to find my chance of being with him.

“Nae-rin, remember when Sungjong vowed to you that he’ll stand as the family’s man, when your father died,” he stops and looks away.

Something’s not right. How can he know that? Only Sungjong and I know about that vow. There is something really wrong here. I stand up facing Myungsoo and there he is, looking at me straight to my soul.

“That, that voice over the phone, it was me. I was the one who told you that I will protect your family.”

I can’t process this. So that’s the reason why Sungjong doesn’t want talking about that topic is that it wasn’t him. How can he hide me from all of these?

“I don’t know how to explain this, but, I have loved you even before that. You seem to notice it, but I think you don’t care at all. I think I’m not worth it. It is in that phone call that I gathered all my courage that I should show you how I feel, even if you believe that it’s Sungjong all along. You needed comfort, but Sungjong wants to make a vow that he can’t get hold off. I vowed to spend time with you, but I have to sacrifice it, because in school, I’m a public property. I’m sorry. I should have been with you all along,” Myungsoo says.

I don’t know how I feel. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m even happy. I didn’t have one-sided love; he loves me just as I do to him. I’m angry at Sungjong for hiding this from me and now that he’s leaving; he’ll leave me with this? I’m sad for Myungsoo because he’s not free; he’s tied to the demands of girls in school. I’m too confused, I want to go away.

“I need to go. I’ve got other things to do. Goodbye,” I say to Myungsoo, leaving him behind. I just want to avoid everyone. I’m mad at Sungjong, at myself and at Myungsoo. I want to be all alone.

“But if you love me back, will you give me a chance?” Myungsoo asks at my back.

I didn’t respond. I’m too tired to speak; physically and emotionally.

“Will you at least try?” he shouts.

“I don’t know! You didn’t seem to notice me, as well. I wasted my time trying to forget you because I know you’ll never be mine. I also didn’t know you’ll have a commitment with me just because Sungjong can’t do his part for me or for my family. I did and still love you. Chances will come, I’m not sure if I’m ready to take that chance right now,” I say, frustrated and exhausted.

He walks to me and holds my hand. I can’t push it back. He’s rubbing his fingers all through it. I can’t be soothed by it. I still need to understand things. “But if ever you think you will never take that chance, please remember that I have loved you anyway,” he tells me, then releasing my hand.